Praying for a Little One--for Adriane

This month's praying for a little one is a sweet reader who googled "infertility" and "Christian" and found my blog a little over a year ago.  It is always such an encouragement to me to hear from long time readers who haven't commented and so I was very happy to hear from Adriane a few months ago.  Adriane is a sweet farmer's wife who lives in a small town with very limited access to fertility doctors.  I love her honesty it is so refreshing to read.  You can access her blog here...please add her to your google reader so you can continue to give her support through upcoming cycles. 

Tell us about your ttc journey so far


Conrad and I have been married since July 2003, and TTC since February 2008. For the first year or so, I just kept track of my cycle, took my BBT, used home ovulation predictors (which always showed a spike), and tried a few rounds of Clomid. During this time, we also discovered that we have some male-factor infertility issues (varicocele). Because he's self-employed (a farmer) and uninsured, and I only have limited insurance, we don't have any coverage for fertility treatments. With our tax return this past year, I had the HSG procedure done (OUCH!). The results showed that I only had one fallopian tube open, and the doctor said that "unblocking" the other one would cause more damage with the scar tissue than just using my "good" one. Let me say here that the closest "big city" (around 60,000) has limited treatment options. The doctor I'm seeing is an OB/GYN with basic infertility knowledge and the ability to do IUI. After harvest is over this fall, we are planning on pursuing the IUI option, complete with the ultrasound to make sure it's my "good" tube side that's ovulating and Clomid.


What is the hardest part of infertility for you?
 
The hardest part of infertility for me is the roller coaster of emotions.  I knew I was an emotional person before, but this has been unreal.  The first two years were full of LOTS of tears and raw emotion.  I seriously felt like I wasn't even myself.  Now, I feel somewhat numb on the outside, though I still have all the emotions on the inside.  Another hard part has been the test of my faith.  I know God, I believe God, I trust God.  However, my faith has been wavering.  Why me?  How is it going to work out?  When will I start a family?  etc., etc.
 
Specific prayer requests?
 
**I need prayer that my faith would be strong. I know God has a plan, but I need to believe it in my heart and keep moving forward with my life until my dream of a baby comes true.


**Also, would you pray for my marriage? I'm sure that anyone battling infertility can attest to the fact that it's hard on a marriage. "Trying" to have a baby sure sounds fun until you have to plan every last detail month in and month out. Conrad has been so patient and loving with me, but I really want to be the best wife I can be for him, even in the midst of this struggle.

**Physical healing would be great, for Conrad and for me. I know God does miracles, and I would not be upset at all if He decided to use healing in my story to glorify Him. He knows what He's doing!

**Finances. Farming is quite up and down, and since we're self-employed, we take all the risk (and benefits) of our decisions. God has blessed us immensely and we need that to pursue our pregnancy dreams.


How can a "fertile" friend be a support to a friend dealing with infertility?


I want to know that you're with me throughout this journey, I need your strength.  Don't sweep it under the rug because it brings up some raw emotions that need to be expressed.  If I'm expressing them to you, it's because I trust you and because I need your support.  If you get pregnant, tell me you are, and reassure me that you know it's hard for me to hear the news.  If our friends are getting pregnant, let me know that you're still praying for my miracle to come; and a "that must be hard to hear that someone else is pregnant" would be welcome, too.

***Note from Courtney:  Adriane thank you for being so open with all of us.  I'm looking forward to praying for you this month and in the months to come.  This verse keeps coming to me for y'all so I hope you can cling to it as you wait for the harvest.
"Let us not grow weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap the harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Post below with an update on what is going on with us too...

"Normal" Bloodwork and more....update!

I feel so blessed to have so many sweet readers checking on me and praying for me. I feel bad that y’all are even thinking about me when so many of you have so much going on in your own lives. If it wasn’t obvious from the post below, the old feelings of infertility started to rush back in the two week wait last cycle. If you have been a long time reader, then you know that the two week wait and Courtney do not get along very well (at all!!). As I expected, last cycle was negative, and I was sad but okay. The hardest part by far though was seeing Shaun’s reaction. I don’t know that I will ever be able to get that look of disappointment on his face out of my head. He really thought I was pregnant because I was tired, emotional, earliest I’ve ever ovulated naturally etc, and when I told him I wasn’t…he looked so sad. When we were trying before Henry, he was of course upset, but I don’t think he knew what he was missing. Now after experiencing being a father and loving his little buddy to bits, I can see that our inability to conceive is really hitting him harder this time. I wasn’t expecting him to be like this, but it really does make sense now that I’ve taken some time to process it. Part of me is glad that we might be grieving together this time but another part of me is just sad for how I feel like I’m letting him down (even though I know that isn’t true). I decided to get some basic bloodwork on cycle day 3 to see how I’m doing especially because I’m having hot flashes at night during certain times of my cycle. Nurse called and said bloodwork was “normal.” And of course I asked for numbers because bloodwork and normal don’t belong in the same sentence for me. My fsh was close to 9 so it hasn’t gone up too much in two years (close to ten last time), which I was so glad to hear. Estradiol (estrogen) was 19…google says 25-75 is normal and that you don’t want your day 3 number too high or too low. I’m not surprised to see my estrogen level low because my lining is always thin when I have ultrasounds so it makes sense. I guess it might not be low enough to be causing the hot flashes (?) or to be considered abnormal (?), but it is low according to google. Shaun and I had a big talk on Sunday about where we are headed this next year with trying to get pregnant. We both agreed that injectables are not an option for us financially at this time and would be something we would have to save up for maybe late summer/fall of 2011. I’ve also taken clomid off the table because I don’t need to take a drug that makes my lining worse and fertile mucus thick, which are two of my problems (thank you Making BABIES book!!). I also took vaginal progesterone suppositories (for my luteal phase defect) off the table because those things made my life a living you- know- what for 1 ½ weeks out of the month…not doing those unless we are doing something with a high success rate like injectables. So what is left? Probably just naturally trying for a year with making the changes in lifestyle/diet/supplements from the Making Babies book. I did make an appt with my old RE for next Wednesday who has just started his own private practice to see what he thinks about the low estrogen, etc. I’m going to bring my “making babies” book to introduce him to my new favorite book, and I’m hoping we can talk about some natural estrogen/progesterone options. He might be all like…hey nice to see you but come back in a year when you are ready for the fertility drugs, but I’m hoping he will be open to helping us this year with some monitoring (ultrasound, bloodwork, etc) and maybe some natural hormone options. I’m really just interested to see what he says and to see if the switch to being on his own is making him only want ivf patients or if he will be more interested in finding the cause/treating the cause etc. I’m hoping to inspire him to be more like I want him to be…lol! Hey when you only have two REs in your town…you have to work with what you’ve got. ***Just in case you are reading this Dr. H…I really do like you…just think all of you REs these days are jumping too quickly to IVF.*** I’m hoping that by taking IVF off the table forever (not going to do IVF where I live and probably would never do it because we don’t have the $$$) that he might be willing to work with other options. We shall see on Wednesday.

Protecting my heart (and my sanity!)

I'm in the middle of a two week wait right now, and I'm starting to feel the old feelings coming back...and it is making me sick.  I don't want to go back to where I was two years ago ever again.  It was such a bad place...so much constant thinking about trying to conceive, jealousy, bitterness, anger.  It (infertility) consumed my life.  Things are different now.  My heart is full and content.  I'm blown away every day at what a blessing Henry is to us and how he is more sweet and wonderful than I could have ever imagined.  I thank God all of the time while squeezing my boy as hard as I can for God giving us such a precious gift in Henry.  But things are different now.  I've experienced the incredible joy of carrying a sweet baby.  I've loved labor and breastfeeding and snuggling with a tiny baby while being so sleep deprived that I could hardly move.  I know now in a way that I've never known before how rewarding it is to be a mother and to see your baby grow up before your eyes.  And so I find myself creeping back to that place while trying as hard as I can to block it out.  Trying to protect my full heart from feeling broken again.  Shaun is so full of hope, and he keeps saying that I'm pregnant every time I mention that I'm tired or he sees me a cry at a commercial...etc.  This is not helping.  I can see the little grin creeping up on his face, and the dreams that he has for a little brother or sister for Henry.  His heart is so much more involved now after experiencing Henry.  I keep telling myself that there is no possible way that I'm pregnant, but I know in my heart that I can't say that for sure.  I find myself feeling like I need to be praying for a baby and then not feeling I can when I'm too close to too many women still waiting for a child.