Thursday, October 7, 2010
Protecting my heart (and my sanity!)
I'm in the middle of a two week wait right now, and I'm starting to feel the old feelings coming back...and it is making me sick. I don't want to go back to where I was two years ago ever again. It was such a bad place...so much constant thinking about trying to conceive, jealousy, bitterness, anger. It (infertility) consumed my life. Things are different now. My heart is full and content. I'm blown away every day at what a blessing Henry is to us and how he is more sweet and wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I thank God all of the time while squeezing my boy as hard as I can for God giving us such a precious gift in Henry. But things are different now. I've experienced the incredible joy of carrying a sweet baby. I've loved labor and breastfeeding and snuggling with a tiny baby while being so sleep deprived that I could hardly move. I know now in a way that I've never known before how rewarding it is to be a mother and to see your baby grow up before your eyes. And so I find myself creeping back to that place while trying as hard as I can to block it out. Trying to protect my full heart from feeling broken again. Shaun is so full of hope, and he keeps saying that I'm pregnant every time I mention that I'm tired or he sees me a cry at a commercial...etc. This is not helping. I can see the little grin creeping up on his face, and the dreams that he has for a little brother or sister for Henry. His heart is so much more involved now after experiencing Henry. I keep telling myself that there is no possible way that I'm pregnant, but I know in my heart that I can't say that for sure. I find myself feeling like I need to be praying for a baby and then not feeling I can when I'm too close to too many women still waiting for a child.
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11 comments:
I'm right there with you. Russ and I started trying again in August and I'm doing my best to not let the bitterness return. I don't feel like it will be the end of the world this time, though, if I'm not able to have another baby. I have my sweet Chloe Jo and I know I'm blessed to have her.
Sending baby vibes to you! Who knows, maybe one or both of us will get lucky this time!
Hope is a hard thing to deal with sometimes. Your title is correct, "protecting my heart". I hope you get everything you wish for and hope you get that second bfp you deserve so much. ~hugs~
I am right there with you, too. I have had three friends in the past 48 hours with pregnancy announcements (all there 2nd...two of them have babies younger than mine). I know the timing is not right for us to have another right now but I long for it for the same reasons you long for another. It is hard but I will be praying for you! And please pray for me, too! =)
I completely understand! The emotions are very different this time, but the same also. After experiencing parenthood, I think hubby will take it a lot harder this time around if things don't work out and that just adds a whole new level of emotion for me.
I know what it's like watching that hope in your DH. Since we have Alli, Jason does that same thing to me. Now we are pretty much done trying since my failed IVF cycle, the pain is worse for me because I can see it in him, too.
Good luck Courtney! And thanks for your last post about the natural methods books. I am probably going to do that when I feel ready.
I'm excited to hear you're trying and I hope that God has an expeditious plan for #2. Praying for you still!
Sending you tons of prayers and baby dust!!!!
Hey Girl! You are in my prayers.
I can clearly remember those feelings. Praying for peace no matter what the outcome of this 2 week wait is.
Although we are not actively trying yet I have the same fears. I have hope that achieving a second pregnancy will be quicker but I am scared of the process and what feelings may return. It's so hard to know how to approach trying again too... Do we try on our own for awhile or go straight to the RE and do what worked last time?? 'sigh'
Update????
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