When we lost our dear sweet Baby Faith, we lost more than her precious life. We lost the innocence of pregnancy. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time. I have to be honest that as happy as I am right now....I'm equally scared. When I called for my second hcg results, my heart was beating so fast. The new nurse answered so sweet and bubbly and put me on hold to go get my results. When she came back to the phone, my heart probably stopped beating for a second until she told me that the number was 319 (doubling from the first hcg of 122). I let out the biggest "whew!" she's probably ever heard from a patient. "Were you nervous?" she asked obviously amused. I responded quickly with a big..."YES!!," which I thought would end her questioning. But then she actually asked me, "Did you have a reason
to be nervous?" I could have kept her on the phone for another hour explaining my reason(s) for being nervous, but instead...I laughed to myself at her innocence and my lack of it.
On a side note...thank you so much for all of the sweet and encouraging congrats! I can't put into words how much all of your comments have meant to me. Below is my hcg chart...I will have one more beta on Monday and then an ultrasound the following week!
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5 comments:
I think I've lost my innocence simply by being IN the blogosphere. I'm praying for you sweet friend.
~~HUGS~~
totally understandable. I will be like you the next time I have a BFP. Glad you had a great report. Praying you continue to have good news. (BTW: your time line - the last several dates are in the wrong year -- they say '09. lol. It's ok though, we know what you mean).
When I first started reading this entry, I read it wrong and I thought that you were telling us that you had lost the pregnancy again. My heart just sunk. I think I even made a noise aloud like, "Oohh." Then when I read it again for about the 3rd time, I realized that you were referring to the previous miscarriage and I was so relieved to hear the great news. It makes sense to me that you'd feel such fear. They say that once an infertile, always an infertile. Just like infertility itself is a constant process to trust God through the months and years of childlessness, so pregnancy afterward continues to be a step of faith to trust that God knows best. My prayer for you is that you continue to see His blessing in the form of the word "Yes" with continued health and happiness and praise. I can't wait to continue reading of the things that God will do in the following months.
Court, I will continue to pray for you and your little bean. I too got a little scared when I saw your post title. I was on the phone with someone and immediatley told them I had to call them back. I'm glad I was off track! You are such a strong woman.
So excited for you! It is totally understandable for you to be a nervous reck. I was worried about something going wrong all the way up to delivery (and I am still worrying). I think once you have had a loss, pregnancy is just not the same. Can't wait to hear about the great ultrasound!
You have lots of prayers coming your way!
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