December 31, 2007- December was our first month trying again after our loss. Right around Christmas, I found out that my good friend on her first month trying was pregnant and at the same time I found out that I was not pregnant. I was incredibly happy for her, but my heart hurt for the baby that I lost. I was focusing so hard on getting pregnant again, but my true hurt was ringing in the new year without Baby Faith. She drank sparkling white grape juice...I drank several glasses of champagne. As we celebrated the New Year...I still felt hopeful on the surface that we would get pregnant easily, but deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 2008.
January 2008- Both of our birthdays our in January so we celebrated and hoped for the best...bfn.
February- My period came in the middle of the night, and I didn't have any naproxen (aleve) for the pain. I took some extra strength Tylenol and suffered through extreme pain throughout the night. I honestly believe that my pain was at the same or similar level of childbirth...yeah go ahead and laugh, but I know it had to be close. I called my gyn in the morning, and we went in to get an ultrasound to look for problems. U/S was clear, and my dr took a look at my temp charts (still long cycles with a short lp) and decided to prescribe me Clomid. I can't tell you how happy I was to get that Clomid prescription. I was so naive in thinking that a little clomid would fix all of our problems.
February also was my first meeting with a support group here in town. This was such an answer to prayer. I decided to ask for prayer about my loss and trying to get pregnant again during a bible study with my church girls and one of them worked with a girl who helped lead a bible study/support group for women with infertility or loss. She gave me her email and a couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of girls that knew all too well how I was feeling...there was an instant bond.
March- Our "miracle" drug didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate at a normal time. Uh-Oh! After researching, I realized I wasn't being closely followed enough and decided to make an appointment with a RE in town. We both really felt like God was leading us to Dr. H. and He definitely was...
April- The famous False Positive month. This month was one of the worst. You can click on the link for the full story. I took the test on a Sunday morning, and we were beyond thrilled. I pulled my good friend in the stairwell at church to tell her the news. She was pregnant at the time after a much harder journey, and we were so excited that God answered both of our prayers. The next day, I called her in tears to tell her that the bloodwork came back negative.
May- First appt with my RE. He wasn't the best at giving a lot of hope, but we did leave with a lot of info. He also found by looking at my temp charts that I was going to need progesterone supps at the end of each cycle. Next appointment revealed that my follicles didn't even grow...u/s two days later confirmed. Even the RE was confused with my young body having this response to meds. May 13th was our due date for Baby Faith, which made the month even harder.
Then I received an email for my good friend who I mentioned above, a follow-up ultrasound revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy that was not caught on previous scans...she was headed in for an emergency surgery. My heart broke for her, and I was so angry with God. Test confirmed later that she did have heteroectopic twins...one implanted in her uterus, the other in her tube. I went to go see after surgery, and I was just sick to my stomach that she would have to go through more pain. My anger at God grew stronger the more I let myself think about it on the way home. When we got home, I took a moment to breathe outside, and I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked up in the night sky. Written in cursive letters in the clouds were the letters "T-R-U-S-T." I yelled at Shaun to hurry outside. He also saw it and then the cloud immediately started to fade away. I look back on that night, and it is still so hard for me to believe that it actually happened. God was telling me to trust Him even in these incredibly hard circumstances that we will never understand...He has a plan.
June- One follicle actually decided to grow this cycle, and we had our first IUI on a very special Sunday morning, Father's Day. How is that for dramatic? I just knew it had to be the cycle. bfn.
July- Follicles didn't grow...lining was too thin to even think about trying. I decided to talk to Dr. H about the pain I was having with my periods. The first doctor who actually believed me and took my pain seriously!! We scheduled surgery for August. July was also my first time at baby therapy. I loved holding those babies in the newborn nursery. It calmed my heart to have such a beautiful reminder in my arms of why we were going through all of this.
August 11, 2008- Surgery day. Found Stage IIish Endometriois. I woke up so fast in recovery when I heard the resident say to the nurse "endometriosis." Dr. H came and talked with me and told me that I probably wouldn't remember our conversation...yeah right!! I was asking what stage and everything. Although, I did think that he told me I was an angel that might have still been the drugs lol.
September 25, 2008--the one year anniversary of our d&c. The anesthesiologist at the D&C told me not to worry that I would be back at the hospital around this time, and he would be giving me my epidural. Instead, I was not pregnant as not pregnant gets. IUI #2 failed.
October- IUI #3 failed. I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.
November- Let's get aggressive! After talking and praying with our pastor and an elder, Shaun and I felt comfortable moving on to injections. We were blown away that our insurance company agreed to pay for the meds...such a blessing from God. Do you know how many insurance companies cover anything involving infertility in Mississippi? Um yeah hardly any of them. Our RE was less than excited about starting an inj cycle because he was scared of multiples (he usually likes to move on straight to IVF), but he was willing to let us try a couple cycles.
Thanksgiving Day- We found out that God answered our prayers. I still can't get over that we found out on Thanksgiving day. I just felt like that was a special little sign that God was showing us how His plans our perfect.
So I raise my sparkling white grape juice glass to 2008...A year that showed me that God is in control even in the most difficult circumstances. May we all be able to trust Him more in 2009.
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10 comments:
what a great summary of your year. My year has ended in tragedy. I am standing on the Lord's promise for a divine 2009. I'm hoping my 2009 will end similar to yours, with a baby in my belly or better yet, in my arms. congratulations to you!
It's hard knowing that so much of the year was spent in pain and disappointment. For myself, I had just begun trying in December of 07, but was REALLY struggling with it just not working at all. Everything seemed to be fine, but we weren't getting any results. I wrestled with God for much of the year until He began to show me the testimony He was building up in my infertility. It wasn't until December of 08 (just a few short weeks ago) that I received the answer to my prayer like you have.
I look back and can now see what God was doing in it all, but I can feel the raw emotions too when I reflect on what it was like going through it. And my heart still goes out to those who are still battling infertility.
Anyways, what a year it has indeed been! And what a year the next will be! You're gonna be a mommy by August! By this time next year, you will have a 4 month old baby in your arms! You're already 8 weeks along! That's a lot to celebrate and look forward to!!!
Courtney,
I wanted to give you a heartfelt thanks for posting on my IF political action post. It really juices me to keep going. (I am a Mississippi, born and bred). Your comment is a good one that I will employ in my tactics.
THanks!
As I sit here in tears yet again reading your post, I can only hope that 2009 goes as wonderfully for me as it is going to for you. We lost our first baby to a chemical pregnancy in June and I'm just now starting to see the light. I start the new year off with a fresh prescription for Clomid with hopes that we don't have to do IUI in March. But if that is God's will, so be it, and I pray that this all works and that He is as faithful to us as he has been to you and Shaun.
I really find your story and your faith very inspirational. After our year (2 IVF's: 1 chemical, 1 miscarriage), I am struggling with trusting that God has a plan, and this pain and strife is for SOME reason, we just don't know what yet. It is so hard to let go of MY plans and realize that He is in control, not me (and I hate not to be in control!). I am slowly coming to the realization that I must succumb to the plan He has for us. I know this IF journey will end, I just don't know how or when. Thank you for your faith and trust in Him. It is an inspiration to me.
It's been quite a journey, my friend. Cheers to 2009, especially with grape juice!
I am praying for the best year ever in 2009! And wow, your story of seeing the word "trust" in the clouds in the sky just sent chills down my spine! Beautiful!
Shelley
You are one of my favorite success stories. I was almost in tears reading all of that again-so much of it I can relate to. Here's to having some healthy babies this August!
Amy (ImpossibleWoman)
I just wanted to say I loved your post and felt compelled to respond. I know you from TTCAL board (I'm LandonsMama) and was so happy to hear that you got a BFP. I especially liked the part where you saw Trust in the clouds. After I read it, I thought to myself "Why can't I get a sign like that?" And no sooner did that thought fly into my head then I remembered what happened yesterday. I have been TTC after a 2nd tri loss for 6 months and just the day prior had decided to go back to see my RE who, after 3 years of trying, helped us get pregnant with our now 3-year-old son Landon. I was really struggling if this was the right thing to do and was praying for a sign that it was. I was sitting at our dining room table eating lunch with Landon yesterday and feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't pregnant and wondering if I was making the right choice. I was looking out the window when I saw a cloud that looked like a mother holding a sleeping baby by her neck. It was so clear that I wish someone other than my 3-year-old had been around to show. :) I didn't really know what to think about it at first and actually had forgotten about it. It wasn't until I read your post and thought "Why can't I get a sign like that?" that I remembered the cloud yesterday. See after I lost Grace, I was so sad, as you can imagine, and all I wanted was just to hold my baby and feel her breath on my neck. It was something that I could only dream about and now it has turned into my dream and something that I hope I get the chance to have again. I feel confident now that I am doing the right thing and that that was a sign that my dream will come true. That I WILL have another baby and will get to hold them in my arms and feel their sweet breath on my skin. So, Thank You! Your post opened my eyes to the signs that we sometimes miss. Sorry that this got so long, but I just need to share with you and say "Thank You!"
Also, I have to say that watching the video of your ultrasound made me cry. I can't wait until I hear that sweet, sweet sound again. And I am so happy that you can! You've been through so much and so deserve this! :)
Teresa
OK!!!!! Are you going to post any more updates??? I'm dying to know how you're doing! Please update soon! Prayers are with you and hubby!!! :)
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