Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Crazy TTC Dreams
I was conversing with a reader through email yesterday (prayingforalittleone@gmail.com), and she asked me if I ever had crazy dreams while trying to conceive. Oh boy did I ever!! I always had them more often during the two week wait probably because that was by far the hardest part of a cycle for me. I actually had a reoccurring dream that every time I went into a store the song by Ace of Base "All That She Wants" would start playing. For those of you who aren't familiar with this classic song, the chorus goes "All that she wants is another baby...ohohohoh." Another dream that I had during my friend's ivf cycle was that I was in charge of "babysitting" her embryos. I was freaking out because I had no lab experience lol...it was a very stressful dream. I also had a dream one time that they told me my fsh was like fifty something, and I was actually relieved in my dream for a few minutes because it meant I could stop treatments (this was probably a dream in the middle of a clomid hot flash). Anyways now that I've made myself sound completely crazy (as if I haven't already on this blog!)...it is your turn! What crazy ttc dreams have you had?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Better Than a Hallelujah
Several new posts below as I'm finally catching up on blogging...
A few weeks back I got the sweetest text message from my friend Laura who said that she thought of me when she heard the new song by Amy Grant "Better Than a Hallelujah," and she thanked me for making her sensitive to those who are struggling with infertility. I actually had not heard the song yet when I got her text message but heard it on the radio not long after I got her message, and I immediately started crying when I heard the song. These lyrics are so true. How many times in the midst of infertility did I find myself unable to even find the words to pray? God hears our heart. Even recently, I've been walking with a friend through a very difficult time and find myself not having words when praying on her behalf. God knows our needs. He just wants us to come to Him.
Lyrics and youtube video below...
Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
A few weeks back I got the sweetest text message from my friend Laura who said that she thought of me when she heard the new song by Amy Grant "Better Than a Hallelujah," and she thanked me for making her sensitive to those who are struggling with infertility. I actually had not heard the song yet when I got her text message but heard it on the radio not long after I got her message, and I immediately started crying when I heard the song. These lyrics are so true. How many times in the midst of infertility did I find myself unable to even find the words to pray? God hears our heart. Even recently, I've been walking with a friend through a very difficult time and find myself not having words when praying on her behalf. God knows our needs. He just wants us to come to Him.
Lyrics and youtube video below...
Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3AmhFXckSc&feature=fvw
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3AmhFXckSc&feature=fvw
Perfect Timing.
It wasn't until I retold my journey through infertility at the May support group meeting that I finally got something that I've known all along, but I have never truly processed.
Leaving my surgery, August 11, 2008...my mom told me that my Aunt had the same surgery and had my cousin Hannah almost a year to the day of the surgery. I think I actually rolled my eyes in the backseat and uttered a "yeah right" to myself.
Based on the day of conception of Henry (our fourth IUI)--definitely ovulated that day because I felt it, our due date was EXACTLY one year to the DAY of my surgery...August 11, 2009.
In order for that to happen, God had to perfectly time my ovulation to that ONE out of 365 24 hour period.
Which also had to time out to be 10 days before Thanksgiving Day (God knows I'm an early tester) so that I could find out I was pregnant on a holiday like I always dreamed (He hears even our small dreams)
And then He timed Henry's birth to be August 7, 2009. 7 lbs 7 ounces at 7:04 PM (5 minutes earlier, and it wouldn't have been 7...one or two days later and Henry would have weighed more). 7 is the number of completion.
And on the day, He made a hard, difficult journey into a beautiful birth story.
God's timing is always perfect...oh how often I need to be reminded of this.
Leaving my surgery, August 11, 2008...my mom told me that my Aunt had the same surgery and had my cousin Hannah almost a year to the day of the surgery. I think I actually rolled my eyes in the backseat and uttered a "yeah right" to myself.
Based on the day of conception of Henry (our fourth IUI)--definitely ovulated that day because I felt it, our due date was EXACTLY one year to the DAY of my surgery...August 11, 2009.
In order for that to happen, God had to perfectly time my ovulation to that ONE out of 365 24 hour period.
Which also had to time out to be 10 days before Thanksgiving Day (God knows I'm an early tester) so that I could find out I was pregnant on a holiday like I always dreamed (He hears even our small dreams)
And then He timed Henry's birth to be August 7, 2009. 7 lbs 7 ounces at 7:04 PM (5 minutes earlier, and it wouldn't have been 7...one or two days later and Henry would have weighed more). 7 is the number of completion.
And on the day, He made a hard, difficult journey into a beautiful birth story.
God's timing is always perfect...oh how often I need to be reminded of this.
Praying for a Little One- for Anonymous
For the month of June, we are going to do something a little different around here. We will continue to pray for Becky, Lisa, and Loren, but this month I want to pray for the women (who may read this blog without commenting) that struggle alone with infertility. This was put on my heart in two different ways this month. The first way was while holding hands praying with amazing women at our local support group. Surrounded by such a strong strength and bond with these women made me feel called to pray for women who for whatever reason might not have such support. It could be that she doesn't feel comfortable attending a support group or that she hasn't even told anyone about their struggles. Infertility can be such a silent struggle. You might be one of these women. Your husband might have asked you not to say a word to anyone, or it hurts too much to even talk about it. The second way this was put on my heart was when I asked a former anonymous commenter that I correspond with through email (email me anytime at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) to be this month's praying for a little one. We prayed for her previously through this blog so she felt selfish (although she shouldn't :) ) to take the spot. She mentioned how the post to the Girl in the Purple Shirt that I posted originally spoke to her and she asked if we could pray for others like her who aren't talking to anyone in "real life." Looking back at that post, I realized that I never even posted it over here (posted on forthislittleone) so here it is below...followed by a prayer for those of you who remain anonymous.
Dear Girl in the Purple Shirt at Wal-Mart,
You don't know me, but I couldn't help but overhear your phone conversation today with your mom. I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you said estrogen really loud and words like that get my attention. A progesterone level of 14 isn't the best, but it isn't nearly as bad as your gyn nurse made you think. I don't know why they wanted it to be at least 18...pretty sure 16 was the "great" ovulatory number just last year. I would be surprised if your dr already wants to up your dosage just based on that progesterone number. I really wanted to say something to you, but you made absolutely no eye contact with me, and I don't blame you. I was just another young "fertile" mom to you with a sweet baby asleep in my cart, and you were in too much pain to look. I even heard you complain to your mom about how walmart has now changed their layout so that you have to walk right through the baby section to get anywhere. I remember all too well avoiding "that" corner of walmart, and I really do understand why walking by something as simple as formula and baby food causes a lump in your throat on a bad day. It was like baby was everywhere in the store (including this really adorable baby girl with a sheep coat on), and I felt terrible that I was part of causing you pain. I really hope your miracle is coming soon and that one day you will be able to do something as simple as grocery shopping without feeling the pain. I've been there, and I know how infertility follows you throughout your day.
Love,
A Fellow Infertile Wal-Mart Shopper
Lord, we are coming together now asking for you to wrap your comforting arms around those who are hurting too deeply to speak or to seek out support. You know their names. You know the plans you have for them, and we rest in knowing that in Your time...You will provide. Give them peace that surpasses all understanding and give them the strength to reach out to others if that is what they need right now. We also pray protection over their heart when hurtful words or medical facts come their way. We love you, and we thank you that we can come to you with all of our burdens...big and small. Amen.
You don't know me, but I couldn't help but overhear your phone conversation today with your mom. I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you said estrogen really loud and words like that get my attention. A progesterone level of 14 isn't the best, but it isn't nearly as bad as your gyn nurse made you think. I don't know why they wanted it to be at least 18...pretty sure 16 was the "great" ovulatory number just last year. I would be surprised if your dr already wants to up your dosage just based on that progesterone number. I really wanted to say something to you, but you made absolutely no eye contact with me, and I don't blame you. I was just another young "fertile" mom to you with a sweet baby asleep in my cart, and you were in too much pain to look. I even heard you complain to your mom about how walmart has now changed their layout so that you have to walk right through the baby section to get anywhere. I remember all too well avoiding "that" corner of walmart, and I really do understand why walking by something as simple as formula and baby food causes a lump in your throat on a bad day. It was like baby was everywhere in the store (including this really adorable baby girl with a sheep coat on), and I felt terrible that I was part of causing you pain. I really hope your miracle is coming soon and that one day you will be able to do something as simple as grocery shopping without feeling the pain. I've been there, and I know how infertility follows you throughout your day.
Love,
A Fellow Infertile Wal-Mart Shopper
Lord, we are coming together now asking for you to wrap your comforting arms around those who are hurting too deeply to speak or to seek out support. You know their names. You know the plans you have for them, and we rest in knowing that in Your time...You will provide. Give them peace that surpasses all understanding and give them the strength to reach out to others if that is what they need right now. We also pray protection over their heart when hurtful words or medical facts come their way. We love you, and we thank you that we can come to you with all of our burdens...big and small. Amen.
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