Sunday, April 5, 2009
The Closet
This afternoon I decided to tackle cleaning out our guest bedroom/future nursery closet. I really didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to start bringing everything out of that closet. The day that we found out that we lost Baby Faith, Shaun went around the house with a green Motherhood bag (yes I already bought some clothes) and collected every pregnancy related thing from around the house (ultrasound pics, clothes, prenatal vitamins, pamphlets from doctor office, estimated delivery cost statements, books). It was so sad to watch him go around the house collecting all of the items, and I really wasn't ready to put everything away, but I knew it was his way of protecting me. We also received many touching cards from family and friends that I knew I wanted to keep so I tucked them away in the closet. On a few occasions(probably in the middle of a two week wait), I would let myself buy a baby item with the logic that if it wasn't for me that I could give it to someone as part of a baby shower gift. My trips to the closet were always quick...place item and shut the doors. I was doing okay bringing everything out of the closet until I got to the cards. I started to read all of them and all of the emotional pain of that time came back to me. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and honestly it felt good to grieve again. I think about Baby Faith often especially this time of year when I should be planning her one year old birthday party. I get asked frequently now if this is my first baby, and I feel a little lump in my throat and guilt every time I reply that he is. I don't know what else to say. Shaun saw me crying and took some time to look at her ultrasound picture. We talked about how strong her heartbeat sounded and what a gift that was to get to hear it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
9 comments:
Hello! I have been a silent follower on your blog and have enjoyed reading every single thing about your pregnancy. I saw that you don't know what to tell people if that little boy in your belly is your first. I have been where you are at. I lost my one and only baby in November 2004. Alot of people ask me when I am going to try and have my first child and I tell them that my first baby is in Heaven and we are trying to have our second child. Even though I didn't ever get to see that baby, he/she was/is still apart of me. I know it's hard and I still grieve myself but I hope for you that it will get easier for you!
I think about my lost little ones often, too, and especially this time of year. I should have a 2 year old tomorrow actually, and a newborn in another month. But in the happy news dept., our adoption papers are getting filled out and we are getting on top of things with it!!
Hi. I too have been a "lurker" for the past couple months and reading your blog tonight brought back a lot of my own memories. It was two years ago (in three days) that I traumatically lost our baby at 12 wks. I have every little memory tucked away and every so often I go to it and grieve. I was fortunate to get pregnant again and had our daughter last June but it was so hard to trust my body after what had happened. Even now when I am looking at my baby I wonder about the one I lost. It never goes away but it has gotten easier. I learned to trust in God's plan in a much deeper way. I am grateful for every little moment that I share with my daughter and I cry sometimes when I see how sweet and beautiful she is.
Congratulation on your son. I am rejoicing for you & your pregnancy.
Here's to remembering our little ones :-) Today is the anniversary of my angel's BFP, and your post made me feel a little less alone. I feel the same as you, I am never sorry I knew my baby, even if it was for such a short time.
Amy (webmd)
I swear we have so much the same story.
We bought baby clothes this weekend and I hung them in the baby closet (that I cleaned out weeks ago), I came across Roses diaper bag that I gave DF on fathers day to announce my pregnancy last year. I understand that greiving tho we're having babies. The love for that one will never die and sometimes I still think of what might have been.
I too tell people this is my second child (I have a 14 yr old boy) only because my m/c's are such a private part of my life that I only share with my most intimate friends and family, and In my mind I'm saying "my second living child". But there is always a little bit of sadness when I tell people I this is my second.
~~HUGS~~
((hugs)) i'm glad you got a chance to go thru baby faith's things... i know it must have been so hard for you (it's still hard for me to find things we got for our angels) but in some way it always makes me feel closer to them, & n & i actually found ways to use some of their things for our boys, which made me feel like our WHOLE family (both here on earth & in heaven) are involved in celebrating our guys.
hope you're doing ok sweetie-- sorry i haven't been checking in as often, but i'm still reading!
Hugs! This time is so bitter sweet. I did something very similar as I have a box for my angels and when I was preggo I came across it and just bawled. You are right, it did feel good to grieve again. I'm glad that you got that chance to spend thinking about your sweet baby Faith. Many hugs as you prepare for your sweet son!
Hugs,
Shelley
I just wanted to say Love you and Im right here holding your hand as we do this journey together. May all of our babies play in heaven and wait for the day when we will see them again. I cant await the arrival of your son and my daughter. God is good Court and no matter what we have went though to get to where we are now its all worth it in the end. HUGS aubrey
Post a Comment