Expecting a Miracle

Recently I received the question below from Hollie of Welcome to the Land of IVF. Hollie found out about two weeks ago that she is pregnant after her third IVF attempt, and we have all been celebrating her great hcg numbers!! Typically when someone leaves me a question in the comments section I hop over to their blog to answer, but I have too much to say to get it all in a comment form!

Hi Courtney! I need your help- how did you do it- getting pg again after a m/c and being calm? I am having trouble being anxiety-free with this new pregnancy! I thank God every day that He allowed this blessing, but I can't help but worry too. I'm always such a worrier! Knowing that you have "been in my boat", do you have some advice?? When did/do you stop worrying?

Pregnancy after infertility or loss is incredibly difficult. In a time when you feel like you should be "over the moon" in emotions and excitement, you are instead filled with an incredible amount of fear. This can in turn make you feel guilty for not celebrating your miracle, but your fear is completely normal. Infertility and loss takes away the innocence of pregnancy. Shortly after my bfp, I wrote a post about this called the Loss of Innocence. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time.
At the time that I wrote this I thought that by the end of my first trimester, I would be able to relax. I will say that with each passing week and milestone I'm able to relax more, but the worrying is still there. So here are some thoughts and realizations that have helped me along the way.

Welcome to Motherhood!- My mom has helped me realize this (thanks Mom!). She still worries about all of us, and she is approaching forty years of Motherhood! I think that holding Henry in my arms will be a huge relief, but new worries will pop up..."is he eating enough?" "why is he crying? is he sick?" I already know that I need to be looking for a very accessible pediatrician. It has helped me to accept that worrying is going to be a part of my life and something that I will struggle with as a mom of a sweet miracle from God. With that said, God does call us to cast all of our worries and burdens on Him because we can trust Him to take care of us. Just as you prayed for God to give you this most wonderful miracle, trust Him with your worries.

Celebrate!- When I look back on my loss, the one thing that I'm so glad that I did and that I will never regret is celebrating. A miracle has taken place! God has created life within you. Celebrating is not being "too innocent" or "counting your chickens before they hatch." You and your husband have a baby now that will forever change you and that you will forever love no matter what happens. Shaun and I went out to dinner to celebrate our first beta confirming that we were pregnant. I told my close friends that have walked this journey with me. Shaun brought home a big box wrapped in baby wrapping paper with a "pregnancy couch rest" blanket and pillow (my favorite present that he has ever given me). With my loss, a friend of mine gave me a little yellow and green blanket when she found out I was pregnant. It was a comfort to me to have something physical that I could hold on to and cry. I can't wait to see Henry holding it close to him. Make sure to celebrate all of the milestones. Believe me...it will help you get through the first trimester: first beta, second beta, six week ultrasound, last RE appt, first OB appt...anything and everything you can find to celebrate.

Don't be surprised by shock- Most days I feel like I'm walking around in a dream. It is very hard for me to believe or let it sink in that I'm carrying a healthy beautiful baby boy and that I'm going to get to hold him in August. My good friend Bridget who has walked this journey with me pointed out the other night that she can tell it hasn't sunken in yet, and she doesn't think I will really get it until I'm holding Henry in my arms. She couldn't be more right. My mind can't even comprehend the miracle that has taken place. I thought a few weeks ago "well maybe when I can feel him more" or "maybe after we have the big ultrasound and I know boy or girl"...these milestones just bring about more feelings of shock and an overwhelming awe that this is actually happening.