2008...Oh What a Year!

December 31, 2007- December was our first month trying again after our loss. Right around Christmas, I found out that my good friend on her first month trying was pregnant and at the same time I found out that I was not pregnant. I was incredibly happy for her, but my heart hurt for the baby that I lost. I was focusing so hard on getting pregnant again, but my true hurt was ringing in the new year without Baby Faith. She drank sparkling white grape juice...I drank several glasses of champagne. As we celebrated the New Year...I still felt hopeful on the surface that we would get pregnant easily, but deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 2008.

January 2008- Both of our birthdays our in January so we celebrated and hoped for the best...bfn.

February- My period came in the middle of the night, and I didn't have any naproxen (aleve) for the pain. I took some extra strength Tylenol and suffered through extreme pain throughout the night. I honestly believe that my pain was at the same or similar level of childbirth...yeah go ahead and laugh, but I know it had to be close. I called my gyn in the morning, and we went in to get an ultrasound to look for problems. U/S was clear, and my dr took a look at my temp charts (still long cycles with a short lp) and decided to prescribe me Clomid. I can't tell you how happy I was to get that Clomid prescription. I was so naive in thinking that a little clomid would fix all of our problems.
February also was my first meeting with a support group here in town. This was such an answer to prayer. I decided to ask for prayer about my loss and trying to get pregnant again during a bible study with my church girls and one of them worked with a girl who helped lead a bible study/support group for women with infertility or loss. She gave me her email and a couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of girls that knew all too well how I was feeling...there was an instant bond.


March- Our "miracle" drug didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate at a normal time. Uh-Oh! After researching, I realized I wasn't being closely followed enough and decided to make an appointment with a RE in town. We both really felt like God was leading us to Dr. H. and He definitely was...

April- The famous False Positive month. This month was one of the worst. You can click on the link for the full story. I took the test on a Sunday morning, and we were beyond thrilled. I pulled my good friend in the stairwell at church to tell her the news. She was pregnant at the time after a much harder journey, and we were so excited that God answered both of our prayers. The next day, I called her in tears to tell her that the bloodwork came back negative.

May- First appt with my RE. He wasn't the best at giving a lot of hope, but we did leave with a lot of info. He also found by looking at my temp charts that I was going to need progesterone supps at the end of each cycle. Next appointment revealed that my follicles didn't even grow...u/s two days later confirmed. Even the RE was confused with my young body having this response to meds. May 13th was our due date for Baby Faith, which made the month even harder.

Then I received an email for my good friend who I mentioned above, a follow-up ultrasound revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy that was not caught on previous scans...she was headed in for an emergency surgery. My heart broke for her, and I was so angry with God. Test confirmed later that she did have heteroectopic twins...one implanted in her uterus, the other in her tube. I went to go see after surgery, and I was just sick to my stomach that she would have to go through more pain. My anger at God grew stronger the more I let myself think about it on the way home. When we got home, I took a moment to breathe outside, and I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked up in the night sky. Written in cursive letters in the clouds were the letters "T-R-U-S-T." I yelled at Shaun to hurry outside. He also saw it and then the cloud immediately started to fade away. I look back on that night, and it is still so hard for me to believe that it actually happened. God was telling me to trust Him even in these incredibly hard circumstances that we will never understand...He has a plan.

June- One follicle actually decided to grow this cycle, and we had our first IUI on a very special Sunday morning, Father's Day. How is that for dramatic? I just knew it had to be the cycle. bfn.

July- Follicles didn't grow...lining was too thin to even think about trying. I decided to talk to Dr. H about the pain I was having with my periods. The first doctor who actually believed me and took my pain seriously!! We scheduled surgery for August. July was also my first time at baby therapy. I loved holding those babies in the newborn nursery. It calmed my heart to have such a beautiful reminder in my arms of why we were going through all of this.

August 11, 2008- Surgery day. Found Stage IIish Endometriois. I woke up so fast in recovery when I heard the resident say to the nurse "endometriosis." Dr. H came and talked with me and told me that I probably wouldn't remember our conversation...yeah right!! I was asking what stage and everything. Although, I did think that he told me I was an angel that might have still been the drugs lol.

September 25, 2008--the one year anniversary of our d&c. The anesthesiologist at the D&C told me not to worry that I would be back at the hospital around this time, and he would be giving me my epidural. Instead, I was not pregnant as not pregnant gets. IUI #2 failed.

October- IUI #3 failed. I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.

November- Let's get aggressive! After talking and praying with our pastor and an elder, Shaun and I felt comfortable moving on to injections. We were blown away that our insurance company agreed to pay for the meds...such a blessing from God. Do you know how many insurance companies cover anything involving infertility in Mississippi? Um yeah hardly any of them. Our RE was less than excited about starting an inj cycle because he was scared of multiples (he usually likes to move on straight to IVF), but he was willing to let us try a couple cycles.
Thanksgiving Day- We found out that God answered our prayers. I still can't get over that we found out on Thanksgiving day. I just felt like that was a special little sign that God was showing us how His plans our perfect.

So I raise my sparkling white grape juice glass to 2008...A year that showed me that God is in control even in the most difficult circumstances. May we all be able to trust Him more in 2009.

Ultrasound Video

We had our first regular ob appt today. It was so wonderful to feel like a normal pregnant patient. I was of course still nervous at this appointment but definitely not as much as our first ultrasound. The baby's heartbeat was a lot stronger today at 140 during the first ultrasound of the appointment and in the 130s during the second ultrasound of the appointment. Yes you read correctly...we got two ultrasounds today. The ultrasound tech forgot to put a dvd in to record the ultrasound so my sweet ob asked her to please give us another u/s at the end of our appointment. I'm so glad he asked us if we got a dvd because I felt too bad to bring it up to the tech when I realized that she forgot. I don't have another appointment until four weeks from now!! Do you know how long it has been since I've gone a month without seeing a doc? I'm a normal patient again...yay!! I hope I get to stay that way.

Our First Ultrasound

Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 3:30-4 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was a disaster. All of my fears and doubts got the best of me and all I could think about was what I was going to do if we got bad news. I prayed for God to take care of our baby and to give me peace, but then I would immediately go back to thinking the worst. Finally, I decided to make myself picture Shaun and I going to the hospital to deliver our baby in August. I was finally able to get a few more winks until Shaun woke me up around 6AM, and I practically jumped out of bed. This was pretty funny because I typically have to get dragged out of bed. I'm not a morning person. Shaun was so happy that he didn't have to tiptoe in the dark to get ready to run. I know a lot of people were praying for us because I felt at peace as I was getting ready to leave. On the ride to the hospital, we both stayed pretty quiet because there were really no words to say. I was doing okay until we pulled off our exit. I looked at Shaun and said, "Okay now I'm getting nervous." He admitted that he was also feeling a little nervous, but of course not as much as me. It was such a weird feeling walking through those double doors with my hand tucked around his arm…. Is this the last time we will ever walk through these doors together or is this only the beginning of more of the same? They immediately got us into an ultrasound room. Shaun and I found the perfect position where he could stand andhold my hand, and we could both see the flat panel monitor on the wall. Then it seemed like we had to wait for forever. Finally my sweet ultrasound tech came rushing through the door and said, "I'm sure you are ready for me to get in here." Then she asked us "Now are we sure we are going to be okay if we see more than one or more than two?" Shaun and I both emphatically replied "yes!" Then the moment came when she finally started the ultrasound. I could immediately see the sac, but I couldn't see a baby. It was a scary few moments. She kept looking around because I think she was expecting to see more than one. After realizing that there was only one baby, she zoomed in on the sac and that is when we both saw the baby. In that moment, an enormous amount of peace, relief, and joy came over me. Shaun and I were squeezing each other's hands so tight. There was our baby with a flickering heartbeat…it was twinkling away, and it was the most beautiful sight. And then she turned the Doppler on, and we heard our baby's heartbeat pounding so hard. It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound. I could listen to that sound all day long. When we left our clinic, we said our goodbyes and thanked all of the nurses and my doctor for being such sensitive caregivers. I hugged my good friend at the front desk who always had a smile for me. And then Shaun and I held each other close again as we walked through those same double doors. We will never forget the heartache and pain that we experienced in our journey to parenthood…it will forever change who we are…but as we left through those doors, we both realized that God has given us an incredible gift. Not only the gift of this baby He has created for us, but the gift of an overwhelming appreciation for the miracle of life and especially the miracle of our little one's life. I pray that was the last time we ever have to exit through those doors.

One more day...

Our first ultrasound is Wednesday morning! My emotions right now range from extremely excited to pretty much terrified. Wednesday is either going to be one of the best days of our lives or one of the worst. I can't imagine how fast my heart is going to beat waiting for that first reaction from the ultrasound tech. I still have my sore bbs and tired symptoms, but I still don't have any nausea :(. I was really hoping I would be hugging a toilet by now. I'm having a hard time blogging because it is impossible for me to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. Hopefully, I will have a beautiful video of our miracle baby to show all of you on Wednesday! Please pray for us.

Yawn.

The early pregnancy exhaustion definitely kicked in today. I've been tired for days, but this was the first day that I was struggling to make it through work. I heart feeling symptoms. I still press on my bbs all day long (when no one is looking of course) to make sure they are still hurting. I really hope that morning sickness starts to happen soon because that will make me feel so much better. My nurse did call me with my 3rd hcg draw yesterday, and it was 1,111! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday morning so just one more week until we get to see our baby! I'm still in absolute shock and amazement at what God has done for us.

Everything is Okay!

Oh no! I scared my blogger buddies with the title of my previous post! Please forgive me girls for making you worry for nothing.

Loss of Innocence

When we lost our dear sweet Baby Faith, we lost more than her precious life. We lost the innocence of pregnancy. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time. I have to be honest that as happy as I am right now....I'm equally scared. When I called for my second hcg results, my heart was beating so fast. The new nurse answered so sweet and bubbly and put me on hold to go get my results. When she came back to the phone, my heart probably stopped beating for a second until she told me that the number was 319 (doubling from the first hcg of 122). I let out the biggest "whew!" she's probably ever heard from a patient. "Were you nervous?" she asked obviously amused. I responded quickly with a big..."YES!!," which I thought would end her questioning. But then she actually asked me, "Did you have a reason
to be nervous?" I could have kept her on the phone for another hour explaining my reason(s) for being nervous, but instead...I laughed to myself at her innocence and my lack of it.
On a side note...thank you so much for all of the sweet and encouraging congrats! I can't put into words how much all of your comments have meant to me. Below is my hcg chart...I will have one more beta on Monday and then an ultrasound the following week!

A Thanksgiving Surprise!!!!!

God has answered our prayers and has blessed us with a miracle...we are pregnant!!! Thanksgiving morning, I took a digital test, and I really thought it was going to say "not pregnant." I placed the test on the nightstand, and my heart was beating so fast as I watched the hour glass flash on the test. All of a sudden, it was there...it said "Pregnant." My heart started to race even more as I turned over to look at Shaun next to me in bed. I don't think I could get a word out, and I was shaking like crazy. We could not believe our eyes. We couldn't even cry any tears because we were both so shocked. We prayed together and thanked God over and over for blessing us. I've taken like eight tests this weekend, and it is still hard to believe that I'm pregnant. My nurse called me with my first beta draw at lunch, and it was 122 (today is 14 DPIUI). Tonight was the first time I've cried...it was a mixture between laughing and sobbing at the same time because it is just starting to feel real. When I came home tonight, there was a big box wrapped in baby paper on the coffee table. In the box was the sweetest present I have ever gotten from my hubby...an incredibly soft pink plush blanket and pillow. Shaun said that he got it for me for my pregnancy couch rest...too cute. I'm walking around like I'm in a dream similar to how I felt on my wedding day. We know that we still have a long way to go especially with our history, but we have decided to celebrate each day that God has given us with our baby.