Trip to Labor and Delivery

Everything is okay, but boy did we have a scare! I woke up in the wee hours of Saturday morning with my underwear soaked. I tried to remain calm knowing that it could very easily be pregnancy related discharge so I changed and went back to bed to see if it continued to "leak." Woke up Saturday morning, and I was still having a significant amount of wet discharge so we didn't have any choice but to call the ob on-call. Fortunately the dr on call was my former OB/GYN (loved her...just not her nurse), and she was at the hospital so we met her there. I was pretty freaked out by the time we got to the hospital. We "quickly" (lots of paperwork) got checked-in and before I knew it I was changing into a hospital gown and giving a urine sample. They immediately got me in bed and got the monitors going to see if I was having any contractions and to monitor Baby Henry's heartbeat. Dr. C came right in with a portable ultrasound to check the fluid level. We were all relieved to see plenty of fluid surrounding him. He was also measuring a week ahead still, and Dr. C explained to us that if we had to deliver that he would probably do okay. I think Shaun and I both were pretty scared when we heard her say "if we had to deliver"..yikes!! Henry is not even close to being ready! Dr. C ran a ph test, fern test, and ffn test which all came back negative to our relief. Once I found out all of the test results, I completely calmed down. It was so nice to lay there and listen to my sweet boy's heartbeat. I was having discomfort/tightness...which I'm still having...and it was showing up on the monitor so my L&D nurse had me drink an enormous amount of ice water in a short amount of time. Apparently I have a "irritable uterus." I would be irritable too if I was stuck in this reproductive system...can you blame my poor uterus? After all of the cold water...Henry was no longer a happy camper, and he kicked and moved all over the place. They could not keep his heartbeat on the monitor after that, and they had to keep coming in to change the location of the doppler. He was such a good little guy at the beginning, but he had enough! And so did his Dad! Shaun was starving...it was almost 4 in the afternoon, and he only ate a little cereal in the morning. After my uterus seemed to calm down, they finally let us go! My L&D nurse was so sweet. I really hope she is my nurse for the real thing.

I went in Monday afternoon to see my OB, and he ordered another ultrasound just to make sure the fluid level was still great. The fluid level was perfect, and he was too cute in there...stretching out both of his hands. Ultrasound tech was sweet enough to give me some more pics of him, and she said that he will be the perfect size next Friday for our 4D...I can't wait!! So apparently I have a mild bacterial infection that might have caused the increase. I feel somewhat silly now for going to the hospital, but I'm going to do whatever I can to protect this little guy. Dr. C (the ob on-call) told us that she thought her water broke 5 times so that made me feel so much better. Below is a picture that Shaun took of me with his cell phone at the hospital...don't I look pitiful? It was really hard to drink all of that water when I needed to pee!

23 Weeks

Very Pregnancy Related Post

I can't believe it!! The weeks keep on flying by, and I'm really surprised that we are already 23 weeks along. I absolutely love being pregnant! I love feeling my sweet boy move around in my tummy. I love the way Shaun constantly put his hand on my tummy and moves up and down to feel how big my bump has grown. I'm absolutely amazed at the miracle that is taking place, and I find it so hard to believe that people can experience this and not believe there is a God. I will admit though that I feel like I need to take back some things that I said about some pregnant women when I was going through treatments. Probably one of the hardest things for me to hear through this journey was women complaining or just talking about the common aches and pains/symptoms of pregnancy and labor and delivery. Those comments hurt me so deeply emotionally that I would start to feel physically sick. I would tell Shaun to "slap me (obviously not literally) if I ever get pregnant and if I ever complain." I honestly thought that these women were exaggerating their symptoms (I'm sure some do) and that they needed to learn how to deal with a little pain. I will admit now that I didn't realize just how difficult/hard pregnancy can be on your body. I have pretty severe back pain, and reflux is making every meal and for some time after the meal very uncomfortable. But I still say slap me if I complain! I need to be grateful for every moment, every ache and pain because I realize how incredibly blessed I am to be able to carry my son.
Last Saturday was also a huge milestone for us...we registered at Bab.ies.r.u.s!! This was such a highly anticipated day for me that I actually talked to Shaun about my expectations on our drive over to the store. He just laughed at me because he knew what I was really saying was..."we've waited a long time to do this and we are going to do it right...no complaints about being tired or taking too long making a decision." We went down each aisle and discussed what we needed and what would be best. Shaun was great, and I even started to become the impatient one when he was looking at our travel system and the mechanics of how it worked. I knew I wanted that travel system because I knew other moms that had it, but he wanted to see exactly how it worked and if it would be the best. I was surprised by my confidence in picking out baby products...I guess I paid attention at all of those showers! But I was still walking around like I was in a dream. I ran into a friend of mine from my support group, and I couldn't even talk right. She should be here registering...not me. Why me??!! I wanted to be sensitive and everything that came out of my mouth was total crap. I just wish I could re-do that entire conversation...I would have said something completely different. It is interesting to me that I have run into 3 of the girls in my support group at different times at B.r.us. This is pretty incredible because it is not like we live in a small town. I'm almost starting to believe there is some significance to this and that God is showing us that He is placing each other in our lives for a purpose.

I know I'm a dork, but I wanted to take a picture to remember registering. People were seriously laughing at us when we were taking this pic as you can imagine.


And here is the most recent bump photo: I'm even way bigger than this photo...we are really growing these days!



Also, calling all IVF experts...Go over and encourage my friend Bridget through her ivf cycle. It was less than a year ago that we were both talking about how we were "not" going to give ourselves shots...and look at us now. She is a precious friend who has walked a most difficult journey. She is my hero.

The Closet

This afternoon I decided to tackle cleaning out our guest bedroom/future nursery closet. I really didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to start bringing everything out of that closet. The day that we found out that we lost Baby Faith, Shaun went around the house with a green Motherhood bag (yes I already bought some clothes) and collected every pregnancy related thing from around the house (ultrasound pics, clothes, prenatal vitamins, pamphlets from doctor office, estimated delivery cost statements, books). It was so sad to watch him go around the house collecting all of the items, and I really wasn't ready to put everything away, but I knew it was his way of protecting me. We also received many touching cards from family and friends that I knew I wanted to keep so I tucked them away in the closet. On a few occasions(probably in the middle of a two week wait), I would let myself buy a baby item with the logic that if it wasn't for me that I could give it to someone as part of a baby shower gift. My trips to the closet were always quick...place item and shut the doors. I was doing okay bringing everything out of the closet until I got to the cards. I started to read all of them and all of the emotional pain of that time came back to me. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and honestly it felt good to grieve again. I think about Baby Faith often especially this time of year when I should be planning her one year old birthday party. I get asked frequently now if this is my first baby, and I feel a little lump in my throat and guilt every time I reply that he is. I don't know what else to say. Shaun saw me crying and took some time to look at her ultrasound picture. We talked about how strong her heartbeat sounded and what a gift that was to get to hear it.

Expecting a Miracle

Recently I received the question below from Hollie of Welcome to the Land of IVF. Hollie found out about two weeks ago that she is pregnant after her third IVF attempt, and we have all been celebrating her great hcg numbers!! Typically when someone leaves me a question in the comments section I hop over to their blog to answer, but I have too much to say to get it all in a comment form!

Hi Courtney! I need your help- how did you do it- getting pg again after a m/c and being calm? I am having trouble being anxiety-free with this new pregnancy! I thank God every day that He allowed this blessing, but I can't help but worry too. I'm always such a worrier! Knowing that you have "been in my boat", do you have some advice?? When did/do you stop worrying?

Pregnancy after infertility or loss is incredibly difficult. In a time when you feel like you should be "over the moon" in emotions and excitement, you are instead filled with an incredible amount of fear. This can in turn make you feel guilty for not celebrating your miracle, but your fear is completely normal. Infertility and loss takes away the innocence of pregnancy. Shortly after my bfp, I wrote a post about this called the Loss of Innocence. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time.
At the time that I wrote this I thought that by the end of my first trimester, I would be able to relax. I will say that with each passing week and milestone I'm able to relax more, but the worrying is still there. So here are some thoughts and realizations that have helped me along the way.

Welcome to Motherhood!- My mom has helped me realize this (thanks Mom!). She still worries about all of us, and she is approaching forty years of Motherhood! I think that holding Henry in my arms will be a huge relief, but new worries will pop up..."is he eating enough?" "why is he crying? is he sick?" I already know that I need to be looking for a very accessible pediatrician. It has helped me to accept that worrying is going to be a part of my life and something that I will struggle with as a mom of a sweet miracle from God. With that said, God does call us to cast all of our worries and burdens on Him because we can trust Him to take care of us. Just as you prayed for God to give you this most wonderful miracle, trust Him with your worries.

Celebrate!- When I look back on my loss, the one thing that I'm so glad that I did and that I will never regret is celebrating. A miracle has taken place! God has created life within you. Celebrating is not being "too innocent" or "counting your chickens before they hatch." You and your husband have a baby now that will forever change you and that you will forever love no matter what happens. Shaun and I went out to dinner to celebrate our first beta confirming that we were pregnant. I told my close friends that have walked this journey with me. Shaun brought home a big box wrapped in baby wrapping paper with a "pregnancy couch rest" blanket and pillow (my favorite present that he has ever given me). With my loss, a friend of mine gave me a little yellow and green blanket when she found out I was pregnant. It was a comfort to me to have something physical that I could hold on to and cry. I can't wait to see Henry holding it close to him. Make sure to celebrate all of the milestones. Believe me...it will help you get through the first trimester: first beta, second beta, six week ultrasound, last RE appt, first OB appt...anything and everything you can find to celebrate.

Don't be surprised by shock- Most days I feel like I'm walking around in a dream. It is very hard for me to believe or let it sink in that I'm carrying a healthy beautiful baby boy and that I'm going to get to hold him in August. My good friend Bridget who has walked this journey with me pointed out the other night that she can tell it hasn't sunken in yet, and she doesn't think I will really get it until I'm holding Henry in my arms. She couldn't be more right. My mind can't even comprehend the miracle that has taken place. I thought a few weeks ago "well maybe when I can feel him more" or "maybe after we have the big ultrasound and I know boy or girl"...these milestones just bring about more feelings of shock and an overwhelming awe that this is actually happening.