Emotional

It is hard to even explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm just plain tired...emotionally and physically. I'm sure the progesterone supps three times a day aren't helping. Eight straight months of fertility meds is getting to be too much. I'm scared of a negative result. Will I have the strength to move on to an even more aggressive treatment? I really feel ridiculous. I'm in my mid 20s and my daily life revolves around infertility treatments. How did we get to this place?

Counting the days!

I'm trying to stay extremely busy, but this two week wait is dragging! We did have a fun weekend including a pumpkin carving party on Friday night, a costume karaoke party on Saturday night, and a fall festival at our church tonight. But nothing can make your "ovaries cringe" (phrase my older brothers used to use when they were single to describe a girls reaction to them playing with babies e.g. "her ovaries were cringing" lol) more than all of these adorable babies in costume. Some of my favorites...a bunny, a monkey, a spider with his older brother who was spiderman, a pumpkin, and a bear. I can't help but hope that we will have a baby or two (!) this time next year.

IUI #3

IUI #3 went very smoothly! We had 139 million spermies! We enjoyed our traditions of going to breakfast while the sperm gets washed, praying over the IUI after the nurse leaves, and taking a picture. Everyone has been so optimistic about this cycle for us...family, friends, my RE and nurses, even some blogger friends, but I think it is just because everyone doesn't want us to have to go to the next step. I'm not as emotionally or physically drained as I was when I first started going to my RE with all of the appointments, meds, and new procedures...I know what to expect now, and I feel like I'm friends with everyone at my RE's clinic so it is just makes it easier. And the 2ww isn't as hard because I don't expect to be pregnant anymore, I will just be shocked if/when it does happen. It is probably my way of dealing with the disappointment, but it definitely helps the 2ww not to be so painful.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Well I think God is trying to show me who is in control, and it is definitely not me or my doctor. This morning I went back for an ultrasound, and my lining was thicker, fluid was gone, AND I had a 17 mm follicle! I am going to trigger Sunday night, and our IUI is Tuesday moning. My RE and I were both surprised. He told me that I can do injectibles next if I want to, but he is hoping I will get pregnant this time. I still believe my eoc theory in the post below is true, but I believe this is a fresh new follicle this time. Oh I hope this is the one!

Every Other Cycle Therory= Confirmed

I'm so glad y'all had fun testing your husband's ttc knowledge! I really enjoyed hearing back from all of you about all of the funny answers and the impressive scores that came from our fabulous hubbies.

I almost posted a blog entry about my Every Other Cycle Theory on Tuesday night, but I decided we could all benefit from a fun post (the quiz) so now let me explain my theory before I tell you how it was confirmed yesterday.

EOC Theory: The entire time I have been monitored by my RE, I've only had a mature follicle every other cycle. I would have one cycle where I would go in for several ultrasounds and my follicles wouldn't grow (everyone would scratch their heads). Then I would go back the next cycle, and I would all of a sudden have this nice big juicy follicle that was ready for the trigger on cd 11. The next cycle after the trigger, we would be back to a no-try tiny slow growing follicles again. My theory is that these "mature" follicles that we find on cd 11 are leftover from the previous cycle. My RE doesn't do cycle day 3 ultrasounds so this whole time I've been trying with leftover follicles a.k.a cysts.

Theory Confirmed: Yesterday my mid-cycle u/s once again showed tiny follicles and a very thin lining 5mm. Apparently when I have the hcg shot, it triggers ovulation so it doesn't leave any leftover follicles hence why I didn't have a big one this time. I decided to go ahead and share my theory with my nurse and my RE...and they actually both seemed to somewhat believe me. I also had fluid around one of my ovaries so I'm going back for another u/s tomorrow to check on the fluid and to talk more with my RE about the next step.

So What Now??: Well obviously Femara isn't working so we have to move on to either injectibles or IVF. My RE tries to skip the injectibles step because it has a higher rate of multiples, and it is not a cost effective option in his opinion. Well the good news is that I talked to my insurance company yesterday afternoon, and they will cover the injectible meds. Since they are covering the cost, I'm going to try to convince him to let us do at least 2 injectible cycles.

I will try to post another update tomorrow!

TTC Hubby Quiz

Shaun and I were talking the other day about how much he knows about the female reproductive system so I decided to give him an impromptu quiz. His answers definitely proved again my post below that I talk about this way too much! But since we got so many laughs out of it...I thought I would pass it on to all of you! Enjoy!

What Kind of TTC Hubby Are You?

1. Average number of days in a normal woman's cycle
2. Abbreviation for the urine tests that some women take daily before ovulation
3. First drug most doctors prescribe for infertility
4. Brand name of sperm friendly lubricant
5. First thing many ttc (trying to conceive) women do in the morning
6. Nickname for the hcg injection given to induce ovulation
7. 2ww stands for this
8. 2 common side effects of fertility meds
9. Name for spotting during very early pregnancy
10. IUI stands for this
11. The second half of a cycle after ovulation
12. Average length of that phase
13. IVF stands for this
14. Region of the body that the hcg injection is given
15. Measured during mid-cycle ultrasounds
16. Typical time length in hours between a hcg injection and an IUI
17. Acronym for pregnancy hormone
18. Hormone needed to support early pregnancy also known to cause PMS
19. Average day past ovulation that implantation would take place
20. The Big O
Answers below if you need them!

5 or less- "Spare Me the Details" Hubby--
The word "tampon" sends chills down your spine, and you do everything in your power to avoid talking about making a baby unless of course it has to do with sex. While your "manly" exterior is pretty cute at times, your wife needs you now more than ever to take a more active role.

6 to 10- "It Takes Two to Tango" Hubby--
You have surprised yourself with all of the knowledge you have absorbed from your wife's ttc talk. At first you tried to avoid the topic, but over time you have realized that it takes a strong partnership to make it through this tough time.

11-15- "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby--
You care so much about your sweet wife, and you do your very best to understand all of these medical procedures. Sometimes you get your medical info just a little confused, but you know an impressive amount, and you are on your way to dr status in the near future!

16-20- "Just Call Me Doc" Hubby--
From FSH to LH to HCG and anything in between, you know it all! In fact, you know more about the female reproductive system than the majority of females. You are a great listener, and you give shots with skill and precision.

Dr. Shaun scored a 16! I made the descriptions for the points before he took the quiz so I wasn't partial...I actually thought he was going to be the "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby...which he definitely is too :)

My mid-cycle u/s is tomorrow so I will post an update!

Answers to quiz: 1. 28; 2. OPK; 3. Clomid; 4. Pre-Seed; 5. Take temp; 6. Trigger shot; 7. Two Week Wait; 8. Hot flashes, moody, headaches, bloating...and more!; 9. Implantation Bleeding; 10. Intrauterine Insemination; 11. Luteal Phase; 12. 14 days; 13. In-Vitro Fertilization; 14. Butt; 15. Follicles and/or Uterine Lining; 16. 36 hours; 17. HCG; 18. Progesterone; 19. 7; 20. Ovulation (give your hubby the points if he put the other big o instead)

Support

God has blessed me with such an amazing support system through this time in my life. Early this spring, I was sharing in a small group through our church that I was really having a tough time with infertility/loss, and one of the girls in that group just happened to work with one of the leaders of a support group in town. She told me about the group and gave me her co-workers contact info. A couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of women who became my instant friends. I love everything about our group. We meet once a month at the home of the leader of our group, and we sit around the table and share a delicious dinner together. We usually just laugh and talk about life and then around dessert time we all go around the table and give our update for the month. Then we move over to the living room, and we discuss the chapter for that month out of the book that we are currently studying (right now we are doing "Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus...GREAT book..highly recommend it). My favorite part of the night and usually the most emotional time of the night is when we all hold hands and pray for each other. It is such a powerful time, and you can really feel God's presence. We usually leave around ten because we don't rush at all since we only see each other once a month.
My other support group is all of my wonderful WebMd girls and blogger buddies...I can't get over all of the kind words, encouragement, and prayers that I get from all of you. Even today, I was surprised and completely honored at what one of my webmd friends did for me. http://magaliesgarden.blogspot.com/2008/10/hope-sewing-and-sowing.html
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." Psalm 126:5

And I'm sure one of my best blogger buddies will teach me how to make a link on my blog...still haven't figured that out yet! Just wanted to let all of you know how much I appreciate you!

Quote of the Weekend

Saturday Evening
Court: (sees that spot has arrived) YES!!
Shaun: What? Implantation bleeding??
Court: (shocked that he knows what that is) What did you say??
Shaun: Implantation bleeding
Court: (laughs) wow! I really do talk about this too much!

The sad part is that not only did my darling husband know that term, but he was actually making a joke because he knows the typical time period that implantation takes place.

Update from my "Little Less Talk" post:
Wow..it is really hard!! Shaun picked up on it right away. We went to our fav lunch spot on saturday, and this adorable little blonde baby was right next to us answering her parents. "What does a snake say?" "Ssssssss.". It was very cute, but not only did I not comment on it...I tried to pretend that I didn't hear it. Shaun called me out right away, and he said that he could tell that I was pretending not to hear it. He knows me too well! I love my hubby! I am going to continue to try "a little less talk" this cycle, and I'm hoping like the country song "for a lot more action.". And I mean pregnancy action, not where some of your minds are going!

A Little Less Talk

I have let infertility consume my life. It is all I think about and pretty much all I talk about these days,and I am sick of it. I have let myself get away with this for months now because I kept telling myself that this would be over soon. This latest bfn has made me realize now more than ever that I have got to start living my life. I don't know that it is going to be this month or even this time next year. My most wonderful sweet husband has put up with so much of my ttc talk. I honestly do not know how he still listens to it. So I'm done...I'm done talking. I am not going to talk about anything ttc or baby related. I will continue to blog because I will definitely still need to vent. This is going to be so hard, but this is what I need.

Negative.

12 dpo this morning, and I woke up to a stark white negative-as-negative-can-get pregnancy test. I know what y'all are going to say that it might be too early. I really just don't think this is it for us. I will test again on Friday, and then I will stop the progesterone supps to get my period. I have a lot more to say, but I will have to save it for another blog because I am late for work!!