Baby Therapy

Today was my first day as a volunteer in the newborn nursery at a local hospital, and it was amazing. This all started at the beginning of the summer when I decided to call the hospital to see if they needed volunteers to hold babies and to my surprise...she said yes and that the orientation was later that night. A couple fingerprints, a background check, and a TB test later, I was cleared to become a volunteer. After getting my badge today, the volunteer coordinator showed me how to do the three minute scrub down. Then, I put on a long sleeve yellow robe with an open back, and she brought me into the nursery. Most of the babies were in the little plastic mini-cribs, but some were still in incubators. This nursery is where the babies from nicu are placed once they are well enough to leave the nicu, but they aren't well enough to go home yet. My first baby was a sweet black baby boy...precious. I rocked him for probably 30 minutes. He liked to keep one of his hands untucked from his swaddle so that he could make sure that his paci didn't fall out. And then a baby started crying so I put my first baby down, changed my gown, washed up again, and held a sweet black baby girl. She had a little heart monitor on her foot so I had to move my chair over to her station to hold her. She was funny because she wanted to check out who was holding her, but she was only willing to open one eye. I can't describe to you how blessed I feel to have the opportunity to hold these little miracles. I miss them already!

Disturbed

I just don't feel right....I don't know what it is?? I feel very anxious like something bad is going to happen. Maybe it is just the Provera doing crazy things to me. I hate this feeling. I'm pretty sure it is the Provera so don't worry. On a much lighter note, I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed Shaun's comment from the other night. I was hoping it wasn't one of those.."youhadtobethere" moments.

Quote of the Day

Shaun and Courtney are watching a reality show on a relaxing Friday night.
Announcer: "They lived in a small town with a population of 1700"
Shaun: (not really watching) What??? Oh!! I thought she said ovulation
Courtney: (laughs out loud and thinks to herself..what have I done to my poor husband?)

Interesting Week

Monday--came down with an awful cold
Monday evening--girl ran into the back of my car, and the stinkin girl left the scene of the accident (hit and run)
Tuesday--8:00AM with the insurance adjuster
really felt sick...bad cold
Wednesday--actually feeling a lot better today, had tons of EWCM so I decided to take a opk for fun (yes I know this is sad), and it was positive on cd 25. So now my body wants to ovulate (sorry body...you are just a little too late)

at least I had a nice weekend...see Saturday's post

I'm NOT over it

I sometimes like to think that I'm "over it"..the whole pregnancy thing, but who am I kidding. I went to a chick flick on Friday night with my about-to-pop friend, Jessica (the really sweet one that I threw the shower for). After the movie, the entire theater of women of course went straight to the bathroom. I happened to be in front of her in line, and when a stall became available I started to head for it and then realized that I was being really rude.
"oh sorry jessica, you go ahead."
"oh no, you go...i just went..."
I proceed to the restroom
"But I have to go again!!"
Immediate burst of knowing laughs (way louder then probably anyone laughed in the entire movie)
For some reason I wanted to sit on the toilet and cry. I want to know what it feels like to carry a baby. I want to be able to burst into "knowing" laughter. I'm not "over it", but my desire to be a mother is much, much stronger than my desire to experience the "joys" of pregnancy. Lord turn these empty arms into open arms..ready to receive the miracle you have in store for us.

Finally

I heart wine.

Courtney for Dummies

While celebrating my TAB cycle with Shaun in B&N with a delicious Cafe Mocha from Starbucks in hand, I wandered (of course) into the women's health section. I picked up a few books about infertility to read including a book called "Endometriosis for Dummies." I started out reading "A Few Good Eggs", which was very funny, but Dr. Court was dying to get into the medical information so I put the entertaining book down and got back to business with my endo book. By page 10, I was hooked...it was quite a page turner because it was describing me...exactly me...the book title might as well have been "Courtney for Dummies." All of my crazy infertility symptoms...they can all be explained by this disease. Let me just list a few:
Luteal Phase Defect
Problems with Follicular Development
Ovulatory Dysfunction
Destruction of Ovarian Tissue (which would in turn cause a higher fsh)
Bowel problems (sorry TMI)
Extremely painful cramps
Miscarriage
Hypogycemia (low blood sugar)
I honestly could not even believe every single symptom was in this book. I of course bought the book, and I pretty much hugged the book all the way home. It felt so good to know that we might be getting close to at least finally having some answers. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I can't wait for my surgery!

Not This Cycle

My ultrasound today confirmed that this cycle is a no-try cycle. My follicles were still itty bitty, and my lining was so thin the ultrasound tech had a hard time finding anything to measure. So on to surgery next month! I think I'm actually going to enjoy a break. It will be nice not to feel like a crazy person on prog supps and not to have to wonder.."am I pregnant?" Bring on the coffee and wine and anything else pregnant people aren't supposed to drink or eat!

Google Me

Top Five Best Google Search Engine Queries to this blog:
5. "things to do during 2ww" and "how to pamper yourself 2ww"--I know...the 2ww sucks doesn't it??
4. "im having a tuff time getting pregnant"-I feel ya honey!
3. "warm bath after iui"- Ummmm...not a good idea.
2. "progesterone supps foamy pee"- I've had a lot of symptoms on the prog supps, but not that one!! Could just be some of the supps coming out, but you might need to get checked for a UTI.
And the number one query.....
1. "Spermies!"- Well apparently you are just as excited about spermies as I am! I heart your use of an exclamation point in a google search.

If you were one of the google searches to make the top five...don't feel bad! I have googled way crazier things!

Dr. Appt Update

Well it looks like my uterus has finally had enough! Fifth cycle of meds and my lining is super thin (4 mm). My follicles also did not cooperate...I have a couple, but they are only 11,11,11, and 13. I'm going back on Friday to see if the little follies have grown or if my uterus has decided to cooperate. I finally got to express my concerns about my pain (mainly around af) to my doctor, and he immediately brought up lap surgery. He said that my symptoms sound like I could have endometriosis, and we will only know by taking a look inside through surgery. I told him that I am all for surgery because I would rather do it first, then spend all of the $$$ and then decide we need to do surgery. Unfortunately the OR is booked for Friday so we will have to schedule the surgery for August. I am actually okay because I just knew my follies were going to be little. I would have fallen off the table if the tech told me I had a big one this time. I have a funny blog coming tomorrow to lighten the mood!

Where Do I Start?

Well girls.....it has been an interesting week. I feel like I need to write 10 posts to catch all of you up on what is going on right now, but I will just have to try to summarize. But before I begin, I just want to thank all of you for your support, encouragement, and most importantly-prayers. This was the most difficult bfn I have ever received, and it meant the world to me that all of you were there for me. So why was this bfn the hardest? For a couple reasons, but I think the biggest reason was because I got my hopes up...really up.
1. First time I have ever ovulated on time (cd 13)
2. 35 Progesterone number
3. IUI Procedure- actually trying at the RE's office.
4. Progesterone suppositories made me absolutely crazy this past
2ww--or at least I can blame it on them (I think b/c I already had a naturally higher progesterone number...my body had way too much prog).
5. Faint positives on hpts 14 days past trigger

So I have mourned the loss of that cycle, and it is time for a new cycle! I will have my first mid-cycle ultrasound on Tuesday so let's all hope for a big follicle!!

Now on to the really big development this week---I have felt for at least a month that we needed to talk to our pastor in more detail about our problems. Every Sunday, I kept looking for a time when not too many people were around so I could talk to him, but there was never a good time. But this past Sunday, the crowds parted, and there he was... all by himself (I wonder if that has ever happened). So I practically ran over there to talk to him.
"Hey Courtney! How is your summer going?"
"Not good." (already started crying that was all I could get out)
"What's wrong?"
I leaned in as if I was going to tell him a deep, shameful secret...
"Infertility." (that is all I could say...pitiful).
"I want to pray with you and Shaun."
So I finally got Shaun to stop talking (he is a talker...especially at church), and our pastor asked us to come up to his office. I wish all of you could have the opportunity to sit on that red loveseat and spill your guts. My pastor is a great listener, and he really took time to understand what we have been through the past two years. He completely agrees with medical intervention and treatment for infertility just like any other disease. He also said that even though God can always make a miracle happen God doesn't ask us to ignore medical facts or statistics. But he surprised us both at his advice..."I want the two of you to start praying about pursuing adoption now." I can't even describe to you what it felt like to hear those words. I think the best way to describe it is....relief. I looked at Shaun, and I could just see it in his eyes. God has been working on our hearts for months and months, but for the first time, we both seriously started considering the blessing of adoption. Adoption is not right for everyone, but it might be right for us. I always try to take control of my infertility but as much as I try I can't do anything...I'm left with empty arms. But I don't want empty arms, I want open arms. I'm praying that God will get our hearts ready to open our arms to the blessing He has in store for us. More to come....