Find the Cause!

One of my major frustrations with doctors while being treated for infertility was the very common practice of just treating the symptoms and not the cause(s). If you go to your GYN one year after trying, you will most likely get a 21 day progesterone bloodwork (maybe a thyroid and prolactin) and a semen analysis for your hubby along with a prescription for clomid. Go have fun! No monitoring with ultrasounds, no real concern for what is causing the ovulation problems...just here is your clomid candy. When that doesn't work (it does work for some people...yay for them), it is time to see a RE. Depending on your RE, you might get more of a thorough workup with different hormone levels, but from what I've witnessed from my own experience and read from other IF bloggers...it is more of the same just a more aggressive version. Hey here is this clomid or femara...come back around day 10 for an ultrasound...okay time to trigger with a hcg shot...two days later come back for an IUI. When that doesn't work, the next step for most REs is injectables. Other REs jump straight from the clomid/femara protocol to IVF (my dr is one of these- but I twisted his arm to do injectables...something not right about going from a $7 medication to a 10,000 cycle). So there you sit with two choices, go home with no baby and no treatment or take the 10,000 dollar plunge for IVF. Half of the couples (if you go to a good clinic) exit the scene at this point with their little miracles...with the other half having to go back to the RE for a WTH Appt (what the heck is a nicer term than what most IF bloggers use). Sometimes REs are able to give answers on why the cycle didn't work but for the most part it is just a better luck next time appointment. Now the couple feels like they can't step back to a more affordable treatment from IVF, they must slap down another 10 grand if they want to try again. Does anyone else see a problem with this??!! Now before I go any further...please do not get me wrong! I am all for REs--in fact I love them. They are the ONLY ones in my opinion who should prescribe fertility meds because of proper monitoring and nurse accessibility with a few exceptions. I love infertility treatments--clomid, injectables, IVF. All of these are important medications and treatments, but they should be used once everything (and I mean everything!) is looked at for possible causes of the infertility. Do you know I had to ask for my surgery? There is no way to know now if I would have gotten pregnant without the surgery but at least I know now the cause of my infertility (or at least part of the cause).

This vent now brings me to why I'm writing this post. My IRL friend also is completely frustrated with this process, and she has decided to take charge of her treatment plan and her overall wellness. She went back to her GYN to ask her to run every possible test/bloodwork that she could. If you saw this friend's medical file, you would think that every test would have already been run...unfortunately that is not the case. Everything so far has come back normal (still pending some results) except for a major vitamin D deficiency. After finding this out, my friend googled vitamin d deficiency and infertility and was floored by what she found. I had not heard about this study, and I couldn't wait to get home to google after hearing about it from her. I started taking Vitamin D3 1,000iu daily probably around August of last year along with my prenatal, baby aspirin, and dha/omega 3 oils because my mom bought some for me. We are all super sensitive about MS because my Aunt has MS, and there is a strong genetic link in our family. My Aunt's doctor told her that her younger female relatives should be taking vitamin d3 so that is why my mom purchased the vitamins for me. What if my deficiency was part of the cause for my ovulation problems??!!

Here is the current research on Vitamin D and Infertility: (hopefully more will come soon)

A team from Yale studied infertile women and their Vitamin D levels. Not a single woman with ovulatory disturbance or PCOS had normal Vitamin D levels. They even found that those undergoing infertility treatments that had a higher level of Vitamin D were more likely to achieve pregnancy. These studies were small so more in-depth studies are needed, but in the meantime...why not add a little Vitamin D supplement? (of course talk to your dr first). You might need a prescription for a major dose of Vitamin D if you are severely deficient. This was the case for my friend.

I encourage all of you who are still waiting for your precious little one to research and to become an advocate for your own health. Remember that you know your body more than anyone else. Ask questions. Demand bloodwork. Pray for wisdom. It is absolutely no skin off a doctor's nose (no idea where this saying came from?) to run a few tests. Checking your vitamin levels and ALL of your hormone levels is a great place to start. And once the levels come back...don't just accept that they are "okay"...know what the levels or results are and what they mean. Give hugs and read Eileen's story for just one example of why we have to be our own advocate (which includes finding the right doctor!).

If you do this or plan to...please let me know what you found!

The Postpartum Appt of Two Infertiles

At my postpartum visit this week another new mom in the waiting room saw that I just had Henry and decided to strike up a conversation with me. We talked about feeding and sleeping schedules and all of the typical newborn mom small talk, but as we were talking I couldn't help but notice another woman sitting close by and her body language as she listened to our conversation. I cringed as the new mom talked about how "weird it was to be at the clinic without being pregnant" and many other comments that I knew would have hurt me if I had overheard them a year ago when I was at the gyn for my annual in the middle of fertility treatments. The woman nearby was flipping through a magazine and cringing every time I was cringing. I tried to tell myself that I was just imagining things, but when I saw her obviously make a face when the lab tech said, "see you next year." I knew she was struggling with infertility. I decided that if anyone said anything about Henry while I was waiting for bloodwork that I would say something so that she could be encouraged or she could talk to me if she wanted. The lab tech that I had for what felt like a million appointments during the pregnancy started ooing and aahing over Henry so I took the opportunity to say, "he really is a miracle." She started talking about how all babies are miracles once you learn what can go wrong and then I replied that every baby is for sure a miracle once you realize all that has to happen. Immediately my infertile friend spoke up (took the bait!)..."did you have to do fertility treatments to get pregnant?" I couldn't believe I was actually right about her! But it turns out I was only partially right. She did previously struggle with infertility, but she was there for a postpartum appointment. She had to do IVF to get pregnant with her first, but then had two surprise pregnancies so she has her hands full now with three under three! After she made sure to tell me to be careful (that advice went in one ear and out the other-no birth control for us!), we discussed infertility treatments like we were old friends. I know infertility is common and that I could have just made a lucky guess, but there was something about her body language. She heard things the way I heard them. She was sitting there with three babies at home, but infertility changed her just like it changed me. We can't sit there and hear "see you next year" and not think about the poor girl that is there for her yearly and praying that it is not another year before she makes it back to the clinic again. Our prayers were answered...we have our miracles, but going through infertility will forever change us.

New Blog!

When I started Praying for a Little One in May 2008, I was in a very bad place in my life. The unfulfilled due date of Baby Faith had just passed, and I got a false positive pregnancy test on a clomid cycle that month. I found myself needing to write down my feelings to sort things out, but I didn't expect anyone to read along. I didn't anticipate how therapeutic blogging would be for me or the incredible amount of support and encouragement I would receive from the amazing community of infertility bloggers around the world. It is such a blessing to be able to look back now at the archives of Praying for a Little One and see what God has done in just a year. As I enter my third week of motherhood, I find myself wanting to blog about the little adventures and sweet moments of our little guy. I'm keeping Praying for a Little One active as an infertility blog and will continue to post thoughts and encouragement about infertility so I've decided to create a separate parenting after infertility blog. So much to say...so little time! It has definitely been the most life changing, challenging, and joyful three weeks of my life. Come laugh with us as we figure out how to be parents to our little miracle!
http://forthislittleoneweprayed.blogspot.com

Birth Story

August 7, 2009. The best day of our lives. The alarm went off at 3:30 AM, but I was already wide awake. I think I got about two hours of sleep. Shaun and I both easily got out of bed and started getting ready to leave for the hospital. I took a nice long shower and got all fixed up for the hospital. I'm sure the L&D nurses laugh at the couples who come in so cleaned up, but we were that couple--Shaun in his new light blue and white stripe polo, and I was in full makeup and pearls. We wanted to make sure we were the first ones in line at the hospital so we left our house at 4:30 AM to make it to the hospital by 5:00 AM (instead of 5:30 which is when we were actually supposed to be there). On the way over to the hospital I was having contractions five minutes apart. I was hoping that this might mean I could avoid pitocin, but unfortunately I still needed it. Shaun and I hurried in to the hospital to check-in, and we were happy to see that we were the first ones there. Shaun was making me laugh like crazy while we waited to be admitted. A couple minutes later...another couple arrived, and they even tried to save time by driving up to the door (this hospital is a one floor hospital with parking right in front- not really necessary). The competition was now on! They called both of us back at basically the same time to be admitted. I was getting out my cards as fast as I could and ready with my pen to sign as quickly as possible. Our lady was slow so the other couple almost beat us, but we got out right before them and made it to L&D first. Once we got into the room, they asked for the usual urine sample and for me to change into my hospital gown. This of course is when it started feeling more real, but we still were laughing and having a good time. The nurses made me take out my pearl earrings (so sad) and then attempted to have me take off my wedding ring--that ring wasn't going anywhere--it was so tight! I actually had a choice about whether or not I wanted an enema or not, and I opted for one--no pooping on the table for me! and I was hoping it would get labor going. They asked Shaun to go to the cafeteria for 30 minutes, and I was given some privacy :). I really didn't think the enema was bad at all, but I was pretty cleaned out already (see post below for more info if you really care to know ;). Right around 7 AM, my nurse for the day came in to get my pitocin started (started at 6 mu) , and I was so excited to see that it was my nurse from my pre-term labor scare- Elizabeth! She was so sweet that day when I was completely freaked out, and I knew she would be a great labor and delivery nurse. We sat and talked with her about our intentions to try for natural childbirth without medication. She was very supportive of whatever we wanted to try. Not long after that my doctor came in to check me and to break my water. I was still the same dilation/effacement from my appointment on Monday (3-4 cm). It was such a weird sensation when he broke my water....a big warm gush of fluid. And it kept coming and coming and coming...I couldn't believe how much fluid kept coming out for the next few hours. I started feeling more pain once my water was broken. At this point it was just an uncomfortable cramping at the time of the contractions. It was similar to the very, very beginning of my menstrual cramps (remember that I have endometriosis so I experience a much more intense level of pain once the cramps really kick in with my period). I knew at this point that it would be best for me to rest as much as possible and to stay distracted from the pain so I labored in bed and visited with several family members and friends. By the time my mom arrived to the hospital probably around 9 AM, my contractions were intense. They were now to the pain level that I experience with my menstrual cramps. I could no longer talk during the contractions, and it was impossible to distract me from the pain. The only difference between this and my cramps is that I actually got a two minute break and that made a huge difference. So to those endo girls out there...yes it is very close to childbirth pain. I always used to tell Shaun that my pain had to be close to childbirth, and I was right! My mom had natural childbirth with all four of us so she kept reminding me about the importance of relaxing during the contractions. This really is so key to dealing with the pain. If you tense up, you will experience so much more pain. You have to focus on relaxing your entire body during the contraction. My mom was sitting there trying to breathe and relax during the contractions, and it was cracking me up. It was obvious that she needed to breathe more than I did at that point--she was very tense as any mother would be when their daughter is in labor. Then my two wonderful sister-in-laws (I don't have any sisters so they are the closest thing I have, and they are the best) came in to see me for a few minutes. I was very happy to get to see them, and they came just in time. I was getting to the point where I was about to not be able to see anyone. I was able to visit like usual in between contractions, but I was really hurting during my contractions. They were all three rubbing me during the contractions which definitely helped. At this point I looked over at my pitocin dosage to see that it was 24...much more than 6...and I could tell. After my sister-in-laws left, my nurse checked me, and I was only 4 almost 5cm. I thought for sure I would have made more progress, but Elizabeth was very encouraging and explained to me that getting to five was the hardest part and that it will go much faster after reaching five...and she was right! It was at this point that Shaun and I both could tell it was time to start focusing and finding a rhythm and position that worked for me during the contractions. Elizabeth turned off the overhead lights, and Shaun started the music that we brought for labor (my blog playlist actually). I decided to sit on the exercise ball during the contractions. This is when hours felt like minutes. I know it would seem that it would be the opposite, but time flew for me. Shaun was an amazing labor coach. I mean amazing. The several hours that we spent together during labor were some of the most bonding moments of our entire marriage. Shaun massaged my lower back during every contraction and helped me stay focused on breathing and relaxing. The contractions were so close together at this point (pitocin now at 36) that we literally had less than a minute break sometimes no break at all between contractions. I moaned, rocked, and prayed out loud. It probably sounded like a revival was going down in that delivery room! I loved being able to experience labor physically and emotionally. It is hard to describe the pain level at this point in the labor, but the one thing that surprised me about the pain was the incredible amount of pressure that I felt with every contraction. It felt like I was feeling his head move down with every contraction, and it probably was! I felt more pressure while standing or on the birth ball, but I knew this meant that I was making progress. At the point that I decided to get an epi, I was no longer getting much of a break between contractions, and I started to feel fear of what was to come. This is very typical of the transition portion of labor, but I decided at that point to have my nurse check me and to probably get an epidural. She checked me, and I was almost 8 cm. I knew that I could make it without the epi, but I decided at that point that I didn't want to! Once I made the call for the epi, they sent Shaun out of the room to prepare me for the epi, and I had to stay in bed as they got everything setup. This was most definitely the worst pain I experienced during the entire labor. I didn't have Shaun there to help me through the contractions, and the pain was pretty much impossible to handle alone. I was extremely annoyed with the anesthesiologist and his nurse. The first thing the anesthesia nurse said when she walked in was "I knew you were going to get an epidural." I never even saw this woman before, and she just "knew" I was getting an epi. Were they taking bets out there or something? I was in the middle of a contraction so I didn't say a word, but I felt like calling off the epi at that second and telling her where she could put her epi. I know that doesn't sound like me, but I just about had it! But fortunately I didn't...and somehow I made it through the procedure without Shaun. It was definitely a relief when the epidural kicked in for sure. I don't regret getting the epidural at the end, and I most definitely don't regret attempting natural childbirth. I already know that if I'm blessed to ever experience labor again that I will try to avoid induction, and I will attempt a completely natural labor and delivery. It is like my recovery nurse said at the hospital, "if anyone actually had the opportunity to go into childbirth naturally...it might actually be possible to have a natural childbirth." I don't regret inducing this time because it was so wonderful to have all of our family in town the night before our delivery and the delivery day. Everything worked out exactly as I would have hoped, and I don't have any regrets. Shaun and I spent a few quiet moments together, and we both started to get emotional as we realized how close we were to holding our sweet boy. Not long after the epi, I was 10 cm, and it was time to start pushing. Wow! It is pretty much impossible to push when you can't feel yourself pushing! Shaun and I both weren't really prepared for the pushing stage of delivery. Shaun was on one side holding one leg up...my nurse Elizabeth was on the bed watching the progress and stretching, and another really great labor and delivery nurse held my other leg. They finally came in and turned my epi down which really helped me to be able to at least feel some pressure. And they brought in a mirror! I was a little not sure about this, but the mirror really helped! I was able to see his head, and it really helped to see that I was making progress. Plus, I was starting to get a little jealous of Shaun getting to see his head so I'm glad I got the mirror :). Yes...Shaun watched the progression the entire day so he wasn't at all freaked out by the look of things down there :). Two hours later...it was time to bring in the doctor and the team of nurses for delivery. It seemed like within seconds of the nurses making the call that the room transformed. Big lights came out from the ceiling...blue drapes were placed all over me, and everyone got into position. I couldn't believe the moment finally arrived. All of that waiting for this sweet little miracle, and we were minutes away. My doctor talked me through the rest of the pushes. And then I felt Henry enter the world. It was such an incredible feeling! My doctor lifted him up, and it was love at first sight. I reached out my hands to feel him as Shaun cut the cord, and my doctor asked if I wanted to hold him. I of course said, "Yes!! I want to hold him!!" and at that moment, he was placed in my arms. I will never forget how amazing it felt to feel him on my chest. I can't even describe the joy. They had to take Henry over to the warming table to get cleaned up so Shaun went over to be with him. Everyone was busy working around me, and I was just laying there laughing and crying at the same time. I'm sure my doctor was having a hard time stitching me up because I couldn't stop laughing! They had to take Henry over to the warming table to get cleaned up so Shaun went over to be with him. Everyone was busy working around me, and I was just laying there laughing and crying at the same time. A few minutes later (which felt like forever), I got to hold Henry again before Shaun took him out to see our family and friends. Everyone was waiting forever for us because they knew we were pushing around four and now it was 7 o'clock! I think everyone was getting pretty worried! Shaun walked out with him, and a few seconds later, I heard this big outburst of squeals. I started crying my eyes out at that point, and I asked a nurse to tell my mom to come back to see me. My mom came walking through the door, and she was crying really hard. It was such a special moment that we were able to share together. About 30 minutes later, Shaun and a nurse returned with our sweet boy to try to nurse. I was worried before delivery about breastfeeding for the first time, but the nurse helped him latch on, and he immediately took to breastfeeding. I just looked down and couldn't believe my eyes. What a miracle! A year ago I was preparing for surgery...in December we saw a sweet baby the size of a pea with a strong heartbeat...and now there he was looking at me with his precious eyes. How great is our God?
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

Baby Henry is Here!

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting" Psalm 126:5

Joyfully annoucing the birth of Henry Jackson born August 7, 2009, 7 lbs 7 ounces 21 inches long at 7:04 PM. He is a perfect miracle from God. Birth story coming soon...

Labor Update #2

Just a quick update...wow there really is no way to describe the pain. I held out until around 2 pm, but I decided to get an epi at 8 cm. I don't regret one second of the natural childbirth because I think it helped with progress, but now I'm relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of the birthing process. Shaun was absolutely amazing!!! I'm getting pretty emotional as we get closer to meeting our sweet boy!! I can't believe it! Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery!

Labor Updates

Today is the day!! Shaun and I are so excited!! We are all checked in, and I'm having contractions five minutes apart without any meds yet. This is actually just a test to make sure that I can email updates from my blog via blackberry. Will continue to send many more updates so stay tuned!

Thankful.

I don't know what to do with myself! We are going to meet Baby Henry by Friday and as much as I try to wrap my brain around that I feel like I'm living in a dream. I know there is probably so much that I need to do around the house to prepare, but I don't know what to do. Some of our family is coming up tonight so this is my last chance to get ready. Right now I'm sitting here looking up at one of my favorite pictures taken of Shaun and I on our wedding day. Our photographer pulled us away from the reception to take some pictures outside. We sat on a bench together, and my forehead was resting on Shaun's cheeks. Most of our wedding day was a blur, but I can distinctly remember the stillness of that moment and how amazing it felt to be together. It makes me want to cry (I am crying actually) when I look at that picture because we had no idea at that time how much heartache we were going to face and how much deeper our relationship would become because of our trials together. I can now say as we are days away from meeting our sweet little miracle that I wouldn't take back one second of the wait...not one tear...because I'm so grateful for how God has used infertility in our lives. I can see His purpose in the pain. I've loved every moment of this pregnancy...even the bedrest. To feel so full of life after so many years of feeling empty and barren, there are no words to describe that joy. I guess to be honest there is a part of me that is a little sad about it being over, but I know that will all melt away when I finally get to look into the eyes of our sweet boy. I will keep all of you updated if anything happens!

Progress!

Just got back from a much better doctor appointment than last week! What a difference a week can make! I'm currently 3 almost 4 cm dilated, 60% effaced, and Henry is dropped and ready to go! Dr says it could be any day. We are going to wait on induction and if nothing happens by Friday morning then we will start a small dosage of pitocin to get things going. So what does this mean????? Shaun and I are going to get to meet our sweet boy by this Friday. We are literally hours/days away from holding him. As much as I try to wrap my brain around that, I just don't think I'm going to believe it until I get to kiss his sweet cheeks. I was holding back my excitement as much as possible while Shaun and I were in the clinic, but once we got into the elevator...I busted out into a little happy dance. I'm giddy :). I'm definitely going to update the moment I even think about going to the hospital! I even have the email update activated on this blog so I should be able to write emails on my blackberry to update the blog. All of you have been so sweet and supportive through this journey...I'm not going to leave y'all in the dark! Well off to get some last minute things done around the house. Body is definitely "cleaning out"...getting ready for labor, but no regular contractions just yet.

Waiting for the Big Day

When is it going to be?? When will we get to meet our sweet Henry? We go to bed every night and wake up every morning wondering if today could be the day. I really thought I wouldn't feel this way this week after our not-so-great appointment (not much progress), but of course starting Monday night and all week long I've had some pre-labor/early labor signs. Warning MAJOR TMI ahead (there is way too much information on this blog..why stop now??)...it all started with a pretty bad case of diarrhea (I stayed by the toilet most of Tuesday). Well of course this could be food poisoning/stomach bug/or an early labor sign. According to my new favorite book "The Birth Partner," loose stool/diarrhea is caused by an increase in prostaglandins.."these substances soften and thin the cervix and stimulate bowel activity." So of course I started to get a little excited...first time I've ever been excited by that! Then on Wednesday I was feeling pretty normal until late afternoon. I started noticing a lot of contractions so I decided to time them. They were coming every four minutes and lasting for a minute or longer. I also was feeling them more in my back, which is a first for me. I started getting everything ready for the hospital, and Shaun also got a few things together just in case. We didn't rush off to the hospital even though this went on for several hours because the contractions did not become closer together, and they were somewhat painful at times but I could easily be distracted from them. I've heard you really shouldn't think about going to the hospital until you can't talk through a contraction. And since we want to go natural, I would prefer to do some labor at home so no reason to rush. Around midnight...they stopped. sigh. We were starting to get excited :). The rest of this week I've continued to notice an increase in contractions. I also believe that he is dropped. There is a space between my boobs and my belly now (sorry tmi) and previously my boobs were pretty much resting on my belly. Another new development is these incredible sharp shooting pains that happen extremely low sometimes when I'm guessing that Henry is moving his head. It usually happens around a time that he is active so that is why I'm guessing he is the cause ;). It absolutely stops me in my tracks...I can't move, talk, think...until it passes. So there is the progress update! Now if we can just get the real facts on Monday and hope that there is some progress there. I can be patient (as much as I would love for him to come tomorrow), but progress would be encouraging. I've been sitting very unlady like in a squat on a exercise ball and on the edge of my couch this week trying to make sure he can get into position (trying to avoid a c-section here!). I will probably post a blog and some updates if I do go to the hospital! I try to close my eyes sometimes and picture holding him for the first time, and I just can't believe it is really going to happen and within DAYS. Will keep all of you updated!

37 (almost 38!) Dr Appt Update

Today we started out with a biophysical and weight estimate ultrasound to check on Baby Henry since he has been a little quiet these past few weeks. The good news is that he is practicing his breathing like he is supposed to, which is a great sign that he is still doing very well in my belly. He is also estimated to be a big boy for 37 weeks at 7 lbs 7 ounces. Now I know that ultrasound measurements are consistently wrong so he could be smaller, but it is good to hear that he seems to be a nice healthy size. The ultrasound tech also pointed out that he has huge hands! They were so cute and chunky :)...can't wait to kiss them! I was feeling pretty encouraged and excited after the ultrasound because he looked so great. Unfortunately, I didn't get the best news during the cervix checking portion of my doctor appointment :(. Still no progress...Henry hasn't dropped, no changes in dilation or effacement. Apparently most first babies drop weeks before their due date and if this doesn't occur...my doctor starts to wonder if there isn't a reason for why he hasn't dropped (ex: too big for pelvic bone structure). We talked again about a possible induction date of August 5th (holy cow that is in a week), but I explained to my doctor that I'm not interested in inducing until/unless absolutely necessary. All of the c-section and induction talk left me feeling very discouraged and confused, but I'm feeling better after talking it over with some family and friends. We have waited a long time for this sweet baby boy, and if there is one thing that infertility has taught me it is patience during a unknown waiting period :). As much as I'm looking forward to the sweet day that we get to hold our little boy, I can wait until he is ready. All we can do now is pray that things will progress and most importantly pray for a healthy and safe delivery. In the meantime...I'm going to choose to treasure this precious time that I have left with Henry in my belly. He is growing up too fast already :).

Now for my curious readers...what is in those bags?? I tried my best not to over pack, but I can't help myself at the same time :).

The Labor Bag-

Freezer ziplock of snacks for Shaun- granolas, fruit snacks, trail mix--have to keep that labor coach energized!

Blood pressure cuff and belts- the l&d nurses asked for me to bring these back...I guess it saves the hospital money or me?

"The Birth Partner" by Penny Simkin- absolutely the BEST I've seen in information regarding natural childbirth...has a lot of easy to find/quick guides for situations that might come up

Labor Positions chart

Massage tools and lotions--also included a sock with two tennis balls in case of back labor

Chapstick

Focal point--Henry's 4d pics

Eyeglasses--didn't know if they would make me take my contacts out if I had a c-section

Also plan on packing my ipod with some tunes

Slippers and socks

Thin robe

Hair Bands

Diaper Bag

Going home outfit--blue with white polka dot kissy kissy gown with hat to match and white booties :)

2 gowns

1-2 side snap white shirts

2 pairs of socks

1 receiving blanket

2 burp cloths

Nursing Pads


Postpartum Bag-a.k.a Post-party Bag- Shaun has only heard the term postpartum in the context of postpartum depression so he said we should call it the post-party bag instead :)

No-so-cute Panties

Blue Nursing gown with robe

Light Pink Nursing gown with robe

Nursing Bras

Notepad


Toiletries Bag

All of our toiletries that we use in travel size. Packed new toothbrushes and contact solution in case we don't have time to pack. Also packed flushable wipes because the hospital toilet paper is like sandpaper--but I heard I will be using a spray bottle so who knows??!!


I also have a quick list of things to grab at the last minute...including what Shaun will need to pack for the hospital and a tech bag with video camera, digital camera, laptop, chargers, etc.

I'm obviously just guessing when it comes to what to pack...what am I missing experts??!!

Term!! We made it!!

37 weeks today! What a blessing! I can't believe we are full-term today! There were days on bedrest that I really doubted we would ever get to this day. More new posts below...

P.S. Bags are packed :) From Left to Right: Postpartum Bag, Toiletries Bag, Diaper Bag, and Labor Bag

The Baby Shower

It is hard to even put into words how much my baby shower meant to me on Sunday. I woke up on Sunday morning very excited about the shower, but I had to almost keep telling myself that it was happening because I could hardly believe it. I took a lot of time getting ready so I wouldn't feel rushed and tried to make myself look as cute as possible in this not-so-cute stage of pregnancy. I even wore maternity spanx! I don't think they helped but oh well I tried :). Shaun helped me pick out which heels to wear, and I was off to my baby shower. I could already feel the emotions starting to come up when I was driving over to the shower, but when I pulled up to the shower...I lost it. The shower was at my good friend Bridget's house. Bridget has walked this journey with me every step of the way. She unfortunately knows all too well the pain of loss and trying to conceive, and we are still waiting for the miracle that God has for them. As I drove up, I couldn't help but think about the many conversations that we shared at her house...she comforted me after my loss, I "coached" her with her first shot, discussions about treatments, and times when there wasn't much either one of us could say. But now I was driving up for my baby shower, and I couldn't help but feel so many conflicting emotions at the same time. Her mailbox was tied with baby blue balloons...a stork next to her door, but it was for me. It was difficult and humbling to see. I had these huge tears in my eyes, and I quickly found a napkin in my glove compartment to hold up to try to absorb the tears. I somehow pulled myself together, and I had an even harder time as I walked in to the cutest baby shower I've ever seen. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends who have supported me and loved me through some of the hardest and best times of my life. Several of my friends from my support group came to my shower, and it really meant so much to me to have them there. It is amazing the close bond that we all have when we only see each other once a month. Once everyone started to arrive, I was too busy to get too emotional, and I had such a fun time seeing everyone and of course opening all of the precious gifts for Baby Henry :). I couldn't have asked for a more perfect shower. And here are some pics to prove it!

Adorable wreath and mantle...taking it with me to hossy for my postpartum door :)


Close-up


Antique Baby Carriage for gifts


HUGE Belly!




Adorable cupcakes..H for Henry!






My beautiful hostesses

36 Week Dr Appt Update

I had my weekly dr appt on Monday morning, and there isn't much to report from the appointment! I'm STILL 1 cm dilated (same as 28 weeks), and I'm kinda getting ready to start seeing a little progress. I think it is so cute of my uterus to now decide that she is no longer "irritable." This is when I'm suppposed to be feeling more Braxton Hicks contractions not at 27-28 weeks. I definitely felt more contractions then than I do now. I am so grateful though that Henry is safe and cooking! I said from the beginning of the pre-term scare that I would keep my eyes on our due date, and I continue to see that as our goal. Awwwh he might even have chunky cheeks :). They did hook me up to the belts for some time to check on him because I've noticed a decrease in movement, but he was doing just fine. Next dr appt is on Monday with a bio-physical ultrasound to check on him.

35 Weeks and Dr Appt Update

I know I keep saying this, but time is flying! I thought this was the part of the pregnancy that things were supposed to drag! I will be 36 weeks on Wednesday, and we only have 30 days until our due date. 30 days or less until I get to hold my boy! (disclaimer: may actually be more than 30 days!). Shaun and I are getting very excited, and we are continuing to nest like crazy. If Henry really doesn't come until his due date or after no telling what this place is going to look like. Shaun even got new lighting fixtures for our bathroom last night at Lo.we's. I'm still very much enjoying my time with Henry in my belly, and I'm surprised by how comfortable I am these days. I'm definitely getting to the point where it is hard to stay on my feet for very long, but as long as I take breaks and stay off my feet, then I am good to go! This Sunday is my baby shower. I can't tell you how weird it feels to write that sentence. My baby shower...wow. I'm going to be an emotional disaster. I'm either going to walk around with a lump in my throat the entire time and make it through or one present or comment is going to trigger it...and I'm going to be crying uncontrollably. I'm trying to decide if I should go buy a new dress for the shower. It seems a little silly to buy a maternity dress at this point, but none of my dresses fit anymore. You know your belly is getting big when your maternity clothes don't fit!! I don't like either of the mother.hood stores in this area so that leaves me with a fancy maternity boutique type place, which probably also means...cha ching! I will probably go look tomorrow. In other shopping news...Shaun and I bought a new video camera! We actually found the camera at "Worst" Buy, but we bought the display model for several hundred dollars off. Shaun and I agreed that we wanted to get an HD camera...Henry in HD is a must! so I'm glad we were able to find one in our budget. It is also a Sony, which I'm very happy about because I've always liked Sony cameras. I LOVED the quality/performance of the Sony XD.Cam that we had at my old job even though I didn't get to play with it very much since we got it a few months before I left :(. But I did get to edit some of the footage and that was a lot of fun. So now that we have a video camera of course we are getting it out and playing with it! And we both couldn't get over how fat we looked! I'm sure the camera adds ten pounds..right??!! Shaun has now decided to put down the milkshakes and to try to lose some weight before Henry gets here. I on the other hand have accepted that this is just part of it, and I will continue to drink my chicky.fil.a milkshakes! Have y'all had one of those?? They are the best! I haven't tried the peach one yet, but I'm sure it is good too. If you haven't tried one...start with the cookiesncream...it is our fav. On the subject of weight it is probably a good time to now talk about my dr appt today...

I love my nurse. She seriously is the best. She cracked me up today..."Wow..You are still pregnant! I was telling Dr. C today...man doesn't it feel like Courtney has been pregnant forever??!!." I know they are tired of seeing me in their office! My first appt was super early into my pregnancy, and I hardly ever made it from a regular appt to another regular appt without having to go in for some "scare." Then she takes my weight and says "oh just two pounds" in the sweetest voice. She made it sound so pleasant that I didn't even realize that was two pounds in ONE week (thanks Mom for pointing that out ;). My Group B Strep was positive so they will have to start antibiotics in an IV when I get to the hospital...haven't googled this yet but it seems common and no cause for an alarm. And there were NO changes to my cervix...just a fingertip dilated still with about 60% effacement (actually I can't remember if it was 40 or 60 so I'm going with 60 for now :). I'm glad that this means that Henry is most likely not coming anytime soon and that we will have a fully cooked little guy...what a blessing!! But now I start to worry that after all of that pre-term labor, medicine, bedrest that I'm going to stay fingertip forever. Doctor seems confident that I will probably make progress soon and reminded me that it will be good for him to stay in until 39 since he is a boy. I also finally had the natural chat with my doctor. He was very sweet about it, and said that he would not pressure me to do anything and that it was completely up to me. The only concern that he had is that he didn't want me to feel like a failure if I ended up with a c-section or an epi. I explained to him that we realize that a lot is out of our control but that we would like to try. He told me to explain to the L&D nurses our plans and that they would completely respect my wishes. We laughed a lot, and I told him that if I started cursing that I would get an epi (he is an elder in our church). So YAY for getting that little chat over with! I definitely felt like I needed to be honest with him, but I felt a little silly knowing that is NOT something he hears very often these days. I think the most common question he probably gets at this stage is "when can we get this baby out?" and "how soon after I get to the hospital can I get my epi?" Another appt next Monday...

Oh and I forgot to mention that bags are packed and ready to go! And that Shaun installed the carseat this weekend. We love seeing it in our backseat...so fun! Here are some pics...

Shaun after the "easy" installation.


Catching Shaun in the middle of a little happy dance. This picture doesn't really capture how cute it was, but it makes me laugh so here it is...


"Yay I finally have a carseat in my car!"


"Uh oh...this is already heavy without a baby!"


Ready to go! Carseat with sunshade and mirror so we can watch Baby Henry in our rear view mirror.

34 Weeks, Dr Appt Update

So here I am again only 20 minutes away from 35 weeks, and I'm just now sitting down to do my 34 week post. Time is flying!! We are in major preparation mode at our house right now, and Shaun and I are both nesting. Sometimes I think Shaun has more pregnancy symptoms than I do! He has been complaining of reflux right along with me (very strange because he never has any problems with that), and I even think he is starting to crave milkshakes. He spent hours cleaning and organizing our garage on Saturday morning while I stayed on the couch wondering when the nesting would hit me. Last night, I finally had a burst of energy and scrubbed our toilet for a ridiculous amount of time. My friend was sitting on our bed talking to me while I was working on it, and she stopped her story at one point and was like, "Courtney! how dirty was your toilet??!!" Well it definitely needed a good clean, but I guess I might have gotten a little carried away.

Doctor Appt Update: So I'm still a fingertip dilated, which at this point is a good thing. Of course, leave it to me to now worry that I'm never going to make any more progress and that I'm going to stay fingertip forever. When my nurse got me into my room, she was like "oh yeah and we need to get you a date!" I had NO clue what she was talking about, but I said..."oh yeah....a date!." And matched her enthusiasm! I figured it out later when my dr said that we could induce on August 5th if we wanted to deliver that day. Um....that is in less than a month??!! Of course at first I got excited, but induction is NOT what I want so I had to have a little pep talk/conversation with myself. Shaun and I are hoping and planning for a vaginal delivery without induction and no pain meds. I understand that this is just a plan and that it could end up being thrown completely out the window, but it is our goal. It would be really nice to know the date, and I would certainly love to know that I would be holding my sweet boy this time next month, but I can't let myself be tempted. What happened to the good ole days when your doctor would make you go forever after your due date before he would even talk about inducing?! And why does it feel like an epidural is required for delivery? I feel like I'm a rebel or something because I want to go natural. Now I know a lot of you are thinking..."Courtney...why in the world would you want to go natural?" Well to be honest, I want to feel childbirth. I want to experience it physically. I'm actually excited about it. And there is also this tiny part of me that wants to see how close my endometriosis menstrual cramps (where I passed out from the pain or couldn't walk or moaned in pain) were to childbirth pain--but believe me that is not the main reason why I'm going natural :). I've told only a few people about our plans for natural because usually most people freak out when you tell them you are considering it. I haven't even told my doctor because I don't want to see the look he gets on his face or to hear how he thinks it is best to go with the epi. I guess I have to bring this up at some point??!! Or maybe he can just figure it out when he walks in the delivery room, and I don't have a big smile on my face :). Thoughts?? I have decided to make sure to inform my labor and delivery nurse that we don't want pain meds and that I don't want to be offered pain meds. I think that would make it so hard if they kept asking..."are you sure you don't want an epi? or a little something to take the edge off??." I also ran into a friend at a baby store the other day who delivered at the same hospital that we are going to, and she said that the nurse didn't even really ask her if she wanted the drugs. She just said "here you will want this" and forced some loopy medicine into her IV. She said it never wore off and that it just made her feel out of it. I don't want to be "out of it" for one of the most exciting moments of my life. This gave me a little idea of what to expect with the staff so I know I'm going to have to be pretty firm in the beginning. Heck maybe I should even come in with a birth plan so they will really like me then :).

YAY for 35 weeks! It is time for bed!

33 Weeks

I still can't get over how fast the weeks are flying by now. I realized today that I better hurry up and post a blog because 33 weeks is almost over! I have to say that this makes me super, super excited and a little sentimental/sad at the same time. This pregnancy definitely had some ups and downs, but overall I have thoroughly enjoyed carrying my little guy. I love feeling him move all around and how strong he is these days. My favorite movement to feel is when he moves either his knees or his elbows (not sure which one!) across my belly. Shaun still enjoys watching my belly move all around or feeling him move, but he is definitely ready for Henry to be here. I can just see the excitement grow for him as we get closer and closer. Yesterday morning, we were laying in bed talking/reminiscing about the pregnancy. Shaun brought up about how we found out on Thanksgiving day, and it got me thinking. When we were trying to conceive or probably even before when I would think about someday getting pregnant (you know how us girls like to daydream), I would dream about finding out that we were pregnant on a holiday and telling family and friends on a holiday. I also figured out during this dreaming that November was the BEST month to get pregnant because you could wear all of the cute maternity clothes (no need to bundle up that huge belly). Those of you who have been readers for a long time know that all of these little dreams came true. We got pregnant in November, found out on Thanksgiving morning, shared with some family on Thanksgiving and surprised the rest with a little ultrasound video at Christmas...not to mention that I have gotten to wear all of the cute summer maternity dresses :). How amazing is it that God listens to even those little desires deep in your heart that you don't even share with anyone? He had it planned all along! His perfect timing.

I didn't get a 33 week picture on Wednesday of me holding up the fingers...but my friend did take a photo of me in a pool. Yes! I finally got to float, and it was even better than my expectations. One thing that surprised me was when I was getting out of the pool...all of a sudden all of the weight that I'm carrying hit me as I stepped out. I had no idea I was carrying so much until I got a little break from it :). No wonder I move so slowly these days!

Being back in public after five weeks of isolation has been very interesting! I forgot how much people love to stare at pregnant women. Also everyone wants to stop and talk to you...when are you due? boy or girl? My favorite story from this week is when I went to go get the oil changed in my car. I walked over to find a magazine and sit down to wait, and I heard these two ladies laughing really loud. I finally looked up and realized they were laughing AT me!! One of the women said, "Honey...you look as cute as a button...but it is just too hot to be THAT pregnant." Now it is probably the hottest and driest summer on the record books for Mississippi so that might be slightly true, but I must be way bigger than I think I am if people are actually laughing out loud at the sight of me. I think I am in a little bit of a denial about how big my belly actually is these days. Shaun says I am so I will take his word for it :). He likes to tell me how "huge" I am, and it makes me laugh because not very many husbands could get away with comments like that, but I let it slide because I know what he means. He is constantly telling me that I look "hot" or "so cute," which is really sweet because he sees me naked :). And it looks like I have gotten attacked by a cat on my butt, thighs, and the top of my hips. Glad I didn't put stretch mark cream on this entire pregnancy only to be applying it in the wrong place...my belly doesn't have a single mark!!

Well sorry for such a long, random post but I had a lot to share!

Big News!

I had my dr appt today, and my ob took me off bedrest!! So as of today I am a free woman! I will of course continue to take it easy, stay hydrated, and take meds, but I'm very happy to be able to do some things! I can't believe how fast the past five weeks have gone by! It wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I'm actually grateful for the time that I had to rest up and to process all that is happening right now. Henry passed the biophysical ultrasound with flying colors, and he is measuring a little ahead at 4 lbs 12 ounces. He should gain approx. a half a pound a week from now until he is born. I just can't get over that I'm going to get to meet him soon. Shaun and I both are having little thoughts/dreams pop in our head that get us so excited. Like last night in the kitchen, Shaun said "ooh! I just thought about Christmas! Think about how much fun Christmas will be with Henry." It is all starting to feel real as we get the house ready to bring him home, but I don't think it will really feel completely real until we hold him in our arms. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement during bedrest...I can't tell you how much it meant to me! P.S. Expect a 33 week picture not from the couch this week!

32 Weeks....YAY!

Yesterday was our big Wednesday celebration day! I can't believe we are 32 weeks! 32 weeks means that we've met our doctor's immediate goal and that we have completed an entire month of bedrest. A month went by super fast so I know the last two weeks are going to fly! Shaun brought home bbq sandwiches, potato salad and baked beans from my favorite BBQ restaurant in town (yum yum!), and we watched another chick flick this week (He's Just Not that Into You). I love our Wednesday nights :). I realized at the end of the night that we didn't take a 32 week pic, and I can't stand breaking tradition so we decided to take a pic of just our hands since we both were not picture ready (if you know what I mean-wink wink). By the way...I just realized that I held up 32 weeks last week...what was I thinking??!! And none of y'all called me out on that! Wednesdays are also the days that I take a shower and let myself take a little more time (sitting down of course) to fix my hair and makeup. Shaun came home from work and said, "Wow what did you do?...you look hot." I'm sure it was a nice change to see me in regular clothes with clean hair and makeup. Right before Shaun got home from work, I decided to stand up and experiment with taking a few maternity pictures of myself. I know this sounds silly, but I was so scared that I was going to go into labor and not have any decent pictures of my last few weeks of pregnancy. Here is a sample of some of the photos & our fingers holding up 32!

Pretty funny pic and we kinda got our fingers in the wrong order...but hey we tried and we didn't break tradition!



Shaun purchased this entire outfit for me by himself last weekend at Target...he has such great taste!



This is what happens when you attempt to take pictures of yourself...no face :)

Daddy Instinct

Last night was probably one of the funniest (and sweetest) things I've witnessed in a long time. Shaun was very tired from a long week of work so he feel asleep on the couch and told me to wake him after I was done getting ready for bed. I really wasn't that tired so after turning out all of the lights, I decided to lay down on our love seat to do a little internet surfing and blog reading. Jen from Maybe If You Just Relax posted a blog about the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. I just finished reading the book as part of my quest to learn everything I can about babies on bedrest so I decided to take a look at what Jen had to say about the book. At the end of her fabulous summary of Dr. Karp's 5 Ss, she had two related youtube videos to watch. I watched the first video which was about ten minutes on a very low volume, and Shaun didn't move a bit...he was definitely in a deep sleep. When I clicked on the second video, a newborn was crying, but I didn't think it would bother Shaun since it was at such a low volume. About two seconds into the crying, Shaun all of a sudden throws off his covers...pops off the couch and starts sprinting to the bedroom door. "Courtney, Courtney are you okay?? I thought I heard a baby crying??!!" When I first saw him throw off the covers I thought I woke him and that he wasn't happy about it, but there he was obviously distraught at our bedroom door with his hair sticking up everywhere and a big line down his face from the blanket he was using. I have never seen anyone move that fast from a deep sleep. It was like he turned into Jackie Chan. At this point I was confused..."Shaun, are you okay?" Once he realized that I was laying on the loveseat, he got this priceless look of relief on his face. "I thought you were hurt...I really thought I heard a baby crying." We both started laughing as we realized what happened. "Well it definitely seems like your daddy instinct is ready!"

It really meant a lot to me to see Shaun react like that to a little newborn cry. It made me realize that I'm not the only one who is going through a lot of changes and feeling some anxiety. And he must really love us to sprint into action that fast from a deep sleep! He is going to be the best daddy!

31 Weeks and Dr Appt Update

I am a very happy bedrest camper right now! I had a great doctor's appointment this afternoon, and I'm starting to feel like a full term delivery is a likely possibility for us! I was so nervous about this appointment. Henry was hardly moving at all this morning, and I was having some unpleasant symptoms that can be a sign of labor. I was thinking the absolute worst! Dr checked me, and my cervix is still holding steady at a fingertip dilated (YAY!!). I expressed my concerns about Henry's lack of movement so he sent me for a biophysical ultrasound. We had to wait for him to practice breathing...it took some time, but he finally practiced. I enjoyed watching my little guy on the screen for an extended period of time. He was taking a nice nap but thankfully he moved around a little for me. Henry is getting so big! It doesn't seem that long ago that he was just the size of a pea on our first ultrasound. My next appointment is Tuesday, June 23rd, and we will do another biophysical ultrasound to check in on our little guy.

In other news....I'm 31 weeks!! Last night was our big Wednesday celebration. Shaun brought home subs for dinner, and we watched Marley & Me. ****Spoiler Alert****- the miscarriage scene where they found out at the ultrasound that the baby's heartbeat had stopped beating (very similar to how we found out with baby faith) just about put me into uncontrollable sobbing. But overall it was a great movie, and it was a fun night together! And even though I look rough on bedrest...I still feel the need to document every week's celebration.

Doctor Appointment Update

My doctor appointment went very well yesterday morning. I had a list of questions ready, and now I have a better understanding of what to somewhat expect for the next few weeks. Our immediate goal is 32 weeks, and my ob will take me off my meds and bedrest at 34 weeks. I definitely plan on making it to 34 weeks so I have approx a month left of bedrest (July 1st to be exact!). I asked why in the world my uterus is acting like this (like I should expect after all of this for my uterus to behave lol), and my ob explained that I have a few risk factors but for the most part some women just have an irritable uterus. Next d/a is Thursday morning.

Yesterday afternoon (after a little meltdown on Thursday evening) I was so positive and happy. I got back from my d/a, and I felt great about four more weeks of bedrest..."oh I so can do that...no problem!" I played Wheel of Fortune on our PS3 for part of the afternoon (I've discovered that this is another way to entertain myself), and then my friend came by with her cute little guy for a quick visit. It is so fun to watch him because Henry will be around his same age this time next year...pretty exciting to think about! Anyways all this to say that I was having a very good bedrest day. Today.....um not so much. I hate to even complain because I know that this time last year if I read what I was writing one year later I would want to reach into the future and slap myself. But I'm turning into a crazy lady!! I'm so emotional...so on edge...so frustrated with my husband (he gets to go play tennis while I stay at home by myself on a Saturday)...my uterus is irritable...I'm irritable. I of course don't want to get off bedrest because I want Henry to stay in here until he can enter the world safe and healthy, but it doesn't make this any easier. Okay I'm done venting, and I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day! Wow I feel so much better after writing that...whew!

On a happier note...Henry's movements are so strong. I love watching my belly move all day. I can definitely tell he is getting big, which of course warms my heart. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and put his sweet cheeks next to mine and squeeze him so close.

The Big 30!

Last night we celebrated 30 weeks! Doesn't 30 weeks sound so much better than 29 weeks? I really wasn't feeling that great last night so I took a long nap in Shaun's lap, and he said I was sleeping very hard (I'm guessing that was a nice way of saying that I was snoring). I don't know how it is possible for me to be tired after laying around all day long! After I woke up, I decided that even though I looked awful that I still wanted to continue our new tradition of taking a picture of our weekly celebration.



And here is my "lovely" 30 weeks belly shot...I'm hoping to get a better one tomorrow at my dr appt...



Speaking of my doctor appointment...I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house and having a sit down with Shaun and my doctor. I feel like I have so many questions, but I don't really know what to ask??!! I'm going to write a couple questions down this evening so that I don't completely blank when I get in there. I will definitely update tomorrow after my appointment!

Top 10 Things I Love about Bedrest

10. Laying around all day with a sink full of dirty dishes and no guilt
9. Not waking up until around noon everyday
8. Watching Judge shows and laughing at what people actually say (Judge Toler is my fav so far--she is tough but sweet). side note--I don't have cable, and I'm NOT going to watch soaps.
7. Getting lots of phone calls from friends because they know I'm free to talk
6. Reading about what to do once this little guy actually gets here
5. Staying in my pjs or lounge pants all day
4. Watching birds or Larry the lizard--yes I named him...outside my window
3. Shaun looking at me like any sudden move and I might pop--he actually told me that I need to pretend that my belly is a balloon
2. "It's going to be a hot summer!"--Not for me! It is 72 degrees with a slight breeze. I'm so scared to see our power bill this month--I'm in Mississippi...it is going to be a big one!
1. Feeling Henry's every move because I'm laying still all day--loving it! He is getting so strong--it is like an earthquake in my belly.

Back from dr...

I decided to call my nurse this morning because I'm still having contractions while taking procardia. She thought it would be best for me just to go ahead and come in to be monitored. I'm glad she did because it really gave me peace of mind. I was definitely having what they like to call "irritability" (a wavy line the entire time)and a few larger contractions. My nurse was saying that I definitely had something going on there, but then my doctor came in and said that he "wasn't that impressed" with my contractions. He checked my cervix (I was terrified that he was going to see more progress and send me to the hossy), and there was no change!! We also did a transvaginal ultrasound to check the cervix length, and it was 3.1 cm, which is a slight improvement from two weeks ago. So what does this tell us? We are on the right track with the procardia and bedrest. I really do think that the bedrest is helping! And my dr must agree because I got the impression from him today that I'm on bedrest for good. Considering Wednesday makes me 30 weeks...I'm guessing that I have about six more weeks. So how do I feel about this? Well this morning I started writing this really sad pity party post about all of the things I'm not going to get to do because I'm on bedrest. I'm glad that I didn't post it because it was pretty pitiful, but I will mention a few things. We should be on our way right now to our first childbirth class. I was so excited about our childbirth class that I registered for it in early March. I was just looking forward to being a normal little happy expectant couple going to childbirth class. I had it all planned out that Monday nights were going to be our date nights and that we were going to go out to dinner after class. Oh the best laid plans! I also had two showers planned for this month...One here in town and one in our hometown in Alabama. Then a quick trip after the AL shower to the beach with Shaun to meet up with my close college friends (I had a really cute bathing suit by the way). Add to that list a maternity photo shoot, prenatal massage and pedicure gift certificate that I can't use, soaking in pools, shopping for Henry, a breasfeeding class, and a much needed haircut. So yes I'm a little sad. I'm sad that I can't just be normal for once. I try not to think about what this could potentially mean for future pregnancies and fertility treatments but I do. This could be it for me. We won't be able to risk multiples like we did to get pregnant with Henry. With all of that said...I am so blessed, and I have absolutely no reason to complain. Who cares if I can't get a massage or go on a beach trip?? Who cares! I have the sweetest most precious gift inside me right now, and I will do anything for him.

"Velcome to Baby Land"

This week I watched Father of the Bride Part II and laughed my head off. Franck cracks me up! Last time I watched F of B Part II, I cried my eyes out. It was on television, and it was probably right after a big fat negative. Shaun came in the room and caught me with tears running down my face. He always seemed to walk in when I was watching some baby program (deliver me, baby story) and crying. He would always say, "Courtney, you have got to stop doing this to yourself!"--and then he would make me change the channel. But instead of getting on to me with F of B II, he sat down and watched it with me. I guess he realized that I needed to cry it out. One of my favorite parts is when Franck shows George the baby suite, and he says "Velcome to Baby Land." Well thanks to my sweet husband's very hard work last weekend, we now have our very own baby land. It is missing all of the final touches like curtains, accessories, and wall hangings but still we have a nursery! Here is a sneak peak...the pictures make the walls look like they have a lavender undertone but I promise it is straight up light blue.







And here was the last picture taken of me out and about..right before the big scare and bedrest...27 week bump.

And here we are celebrating 29 weeks! Wednesday is our official new week day, and we have decided to celebrate every Wednesday. I put on a cute shirt and my Henry necklace (Bridget gave to me as my Mother's Day gift--very special to me) before Shaun got home. Shaun brought home some nutty buddy ice cream cones, and we took a picture. I ended up changing my shirt before the pic because I didn't want to get any food on my shirt.



Oh and here is the blue glow that I get to enjoy from my couch...


This post would not be complete without a big thank you to my Mom! She got here last Thursday night, left a few hours ago to go back home, and she worked like crazy the entire time she was here! My kitchen cabinets and pantry are completely re-organized, bathrooms are clean, and a freezer full of yummy casseroles and soups are ready for us to eat. It was so great to have her here! I really enjoyed her company. Thanks Mom! Love You!

Bedrest: Day 7

Almost a week down!! It really wasn't that bad. I'm starting to get adjusted to the horizontal life. I haven't really accomplished anything this week...just lots of movies, tv, Internet surfing, and some reading. My mom arrived on Thursday night, and it makes a huge difference to have her here. Speaking of Thursday night, I spent another couple hours in labor and delivery. Shaun was on his way back from picking up my mom, and I was all alone at the house. All of a sudden I started having severe lower back pain and very strong lower pain/pressure. I of course completely freaked out and called my OB on his cell phone, and he told me to come in to the hospital. This was the first time during all of this that I was actually feeling pretty significant pain, and I thought we were in big trouble! I knew I couldn't drive myself so I called my friend that lives the closest to me to come pick me up. Poor thing, I think I really scared her! Of course we got behind the slowest person who was hardly even paying attention to the road. I started to get really emotional, but I held it together. Once we got to the hospital and through admissions, the nurse hooked me up to all of the monitors and also swabbed me for a fetal fibronectin (fFN) test. I was feeling so much pressure, but they weren't picking up very many contractions (lots of irritability but no big ones). Long story short...it was a false alarm. My back started feeling a lot better before I even got in bed from walking around...I now know that the lower back pain was just a symptom of two days of bedrest ;) because my back hurts all of the time now. And the pressure...how do I put this in a nice way?...apparently I was full of a ton of gas!! so tmi and I will spare you more details...but that is what it was! Procardia gives me constipation, gas, and hot flashes/flushing. It almost feels like taking clomid around the clock lol. But I'm not complaining! I've heard the other meds have much worse side effects so I'm hoping we can stick with procardia. The ffn test came back negative so that tells us that I only have a 3% chance of delivering in the next two weeks, which really put my mind at ease. Obviously we are not out of the woods yet, but I'm still sticking to my goal of making it all the way. Actually I've kinda adjusted my goal to 36 weeks, but I would still love to make it to August! As far as contractions go...I'm still having them. Last night was the worst I've had since last week, but today I've had what I affectionally call my "procardia jelly belly." You can tell the muscles are completely relaxed, which is what I want. My friend Andrea was here last night, and she felt a contraction and then felt again when it was a jelly belly...it completely freaked her out lol. In other news...I can't seem to get enough food. I'm eating like a cow! I really thought I wouldn't have a big appetite since I'm not moving around, but it is exactly the opposite. I want to make sure Henry is a big boy so I guess I'm just eating to make sure he gets chunky. We also have a nursery now! It is not an empty room anymore! Shaun painted the nursery blue this weekend and setup all of the furniture. Now it just needs cute curtains, wall hangings and accessories, but it feels so good to have a room for him now. From my couch I can see a little blue glow from his nursery, and it warms my heart. I will have to take a pic during one of my bathroom breaks and post some soon. Well sorry for such a rambling post...just had a lot of random bedrest thoughts.

Pre-term Labor & Bedrest

It is hard to even know where to begin with this post! The past couple of weeks I might have mentioned on my blog that I've been having tons of braxton hicks contractions. I tried to not let them concern me because they weren't painful, pretty irregular and "normal" for this time in pregnancy, but part of me was starting to feel like something wasn't right. It is so hard to know what is normal in pregnancy, but I felt like the frequency was starting to increase daily, and I had a hard time believing that women walked around with as many braxtons as I did. But I'm so tired of being "that" patient. I have not made it from one appointment to the next without having to come in this entire pregnancy (except from my 7wk to 11wk appt...but I think I called several times lol). Well Monday afternoon/evening I started to notice a significant increase in contractions. I figured I was just dehydrated or something so I started drinking tons of water. And I started timing them...they were one minute long, three minutes apart. I know at this point all of you are probably going to kill me for not going into L&D, but I didn't understand how they could be that close together and still not very painful if it was true labor. I decided that I had stressed myself out and that was causing the contractions so I just stopped timing and went to bed. When I got up yesterday morning...they were still there and still three minutes apart. I knew I needed to at least call and of course they wanted me to come in right away. They first did a trans vag u/s to check on the cervix, and they were happy with the length (think it was approx 2.8 cm (peaked at screen :)...down from 3.75 cm at 21 weeks), and I'm assuming that they didn't see any funneling or they would have mentioned it. At this point I'm thinking that once again I can't just deal with normal pregnancy sypmptoms and that I'm that super annoying patient. We did the usual urine and blood pressure and then they put me on the monitors. Well of course I felt nothing...it was like those bands had super powers :)...I had a couple but NOTHING like what I had the night before or that morning or even on the way to the doctor's. Several contractions or activity still showed up on the monitor so it was enough for my OB to decide to check my cervix. I saw his face, and I knew it wasn't good. I was just waiting for him to say that I'm like 3 cm dilated or something. It turns out I was only a fingertip dilated, but I shouldn't have ANY dilation at just 28 weeks with my "first" pregnancy (I always hate saying that but they are just speaking in terms that this is my first pregnancy to progress past first tri). So I was sent over to L&D for monitoring, and I again didn't have nearly as many contractions as I did at home. But I did have enough that they gave me one shot of terbutaline. I started seeing some really weird spots in my vision but fortunately it didn't last long and I also had a racing heartbeat (which is normal side effect from the shot). We thought one was going to knock it out...but activity started again so they gave me a procardia pill. At this point I need to mention how amazing my friends are...seriously they are the best. Shaun couldn't get out of work because he had an important all day conference call (of course he could have left if it got really bad!..he was just a phone call away). Claire and Bridget both knew that I would not ask for them to come up there so they just came, and it was so great having them there. They kept me VERY entertained. I loved how they asked a million questions so for once I didn't have to be "that" patient, and they were watching the monitor closely to look for contractions. Andrea and Jessica were texting me to check on me, and they were also just a phone call away. It makes a huge difference to face something like this with friends by your side. It really looked like the contractions were gone until right before my OB came to check on me...I had several more. They gave me another shot of terbutaline and later another procardia. This seemed to do the trick, and we were discharged around 8 PM with a prescription for procardia every 6 hours and strict bedrest until further notice. OB said we can re-evaluate the bedrest in 3 weeks if I don't have any episodes and no more changes to my cervix. As I'm typing this in bed right now, I'm still having some contractions so I'm not feeling very confident that this will just be a 3 week bedrest. Shaun is meeting my Dad to pick up my Mom tomorrow night so I will be very grateful to have her here. I know it might not be realistic, but I'm keeping my eyes set on 12 more weeks...that would put me at my due date of August 12th! I will lay here for 12 weeks if that is what it takes. We are very encouraged that Henry is looking great on the ultrasound and is still measuring a little over a week ahead. He also did really well on the monitors yesterday, which makes me happy. They did give me a steroid shot for his lungs to develop at the hospital yesterday, and I will get another dose at my ob's office today around 3. I know I'm leaving out info so please feel free to ask questions! I will update (maybe even via mobile--wow fancy) if I have to go into the hospital again or if anything changes this afternoon.

But after such a scary post...let me leave you with some 4D pics of sweet Henry. I know I'm partial, but he is a cutie! We had the 4D the Friday before Mother's Day, and we caught him yawning several times and playing with his toes. He is such a blessing, and he is just precious.







Caught in a yawn!

Thinking of all of you today

Today is the first Mother's day that I thought I wouldn't have tears running down my face, but I still do. This time...it is happy tears. Two years ago on Mother's Day, I took a pregnancy test and cried my eyes out. Last Mother's Day, I walked around church with a lump in my throat and hardly made it through. This Mother's Day, I cry again as my little boy wakes me up with his kicks. To say that I'm blessed to have our sweet Henry really doesn't put into words how I'm feeling today. I'm thinking of all of you today, and praying for God to surround you with His comforting arms today.

Trip to Labor and Delivery

Everything is okay, but boy did we have a scare! I woke up in the wee hours of Saturday morning with my underwear soaked. I tried to remain calm knowing that it could very easily be pregnancy related discharge so I changed and went back to bed to see if it continued to "leak." Woke up Saturday morning, and I was still having a significant amount of wet discharge so we didn't have any choice but to call the ob on-call. Fortunately the dr on call was my former OB/GYN (loved her...just not her nurse), and she was at the hospital so we met her there. I was pretty freaked out by the time we got to the hospital. We "quickly" (lots of paperwork) got checked-in and before I knew it I was changing into a hospital gown and giving a urine sample. They immediately got me in bed and got the monitors going to see if I was having any contractions and to monitor Baby Henry's heartbeat. Dr. C came right in with a portable ultrasound to check the fluid level. We were all relieved to see plenty of fluid surrounding him. He was also measuring a week ahead still, and Dr. C explained to us that if we had to deliver that he would probably do okay. I think Shaun and I both were pretty scared when we heard her say "if we had to deliver"..yikes!! Henry is not even close to being ready! Dr. C ran a ph test, fern test, and ffn test which all came back negative to our relief. Once I found out all of the test results, I completely calmed down. It was so nice to lay there and listen to my sweet boy's heartbeat. I was having discomfort/tightness...which I'm still having...and it was showing up on the monitor so my L&D nurse had me drink an enormous amount of ice water in a short amount of time. Apparently I have a "irritable uterus." I would be irritable too if I was stuck in this reproductive system...can you blame my poor uterus? After all of the cold water...Henry was no longer a happy camper, and he kicked and moved all over the place. They could not keep his heartbeat on the monitor after that, and they had to keep coming in to change the location of the doppler. He was such a good little guy at the beginning, but he had enough! And so did his Dad! Shaun was starving...it was almost 4 in the afternoon, and he only ate a little cereal in the morning. After my uterus seemed to calm down, they finally let us go! My L&D nurse was so sweet. I really hope she is my nurse for the real thing.

I went in Monday afternoon to see my OB, and he ordered another ultrasound just to make sure the fluid level was still great. The fluid level was perfect, and he was too cute in there...stretching out both of his hands. Ultrasound tech was sweet enough to give me some more pics of him, and she said that he will be the perfect size next Friday for our 4D...I can't wait!! So apparently I have a mild bacterial infection that might have caused the increase. I feel somewhat silly now for going to the hospital, but I'm going to do whatever I can to protect this little guy. Dr. C (the ob on-call) told us that she thought her water broke 5 times so that made me feel so much better. Below is a picture that Shaun took of me with his cell phone at the hospital...don't I look pitiful? It was really hard to drink all of that water when I needed to pee!

23 Weeks

Very Pregnancy Related Post

I can't believe it!! The weeks keep on flying by, and I'm really surprised that we are already 23 weeks along. I absolutely love being pregnant! I love feeling my sweet boy move around in my tummy. I love the way Shaun constantly put his hand on my tummy and moves up and down to feel how big my bump has grown. I'm absolutely amazed at the miracle that is taking place, and I find it so hard to believe that people can experience this and not believe there is a God. I will admit though that I feel like I need to take back some things that I said about some pregnant women when I was going through treatments. Probably one of the hardest things for me to hear through this journey was women complaining or just talking about the common aches and pains/symptoms of pregnancy and labor and delivery. Those comments hurt me so deeply emotionally that I would start to feel physically sick. I would tell Shaun to "slap me (obviously not literally) if I ever get pregnant and if I ever complain." I honestly thought that these women were exaggerating their symptoms (I'm sure some do) and that they needed to learn how to deal with a little pain. I will admit now that I didn't realize just how difficult/hard pregnancy can be on your body. I have pretty severe back pain, and reflux is making every meal and for some time after the meal very uncomfortable. But I still say slap me if I complain! I need to be grateful for every moment, every ache and pain because I realize how incredibly blessed I am to be able to carry my son.
Last Saturday was also a huge milestone for us...we registered at Bab.ies.r.u.s!! This was such a highly anticipated day for me that I actually talked to Shaun about my expectations on our drive over to the store. He just laughed at me because he knew what I was really saying was..."we've waited a long time to do this and we are going to do it right...no complaints about being tired or taking too long making a decision." We went down each aisle and discussed what we needed and what would be best. Shaun was great, and I even started to become the impatient one when he was looking at our travel system and the mechanics of how it worked. I knew I wanted that travel system because I knew other moms that had it, but he wanted to see exactly how it worked and if it would be the best. I was surprised by my confidence in picking out baby products...I guess I paid attention at all of those showers! But I was still walking around like I was in a dream. I ran into a friend of mine from my support group, and I couldn't even talk right. She should be here registering...not me. Why me??!! I wanted to be sensitive and everything that came out of my mouth was total crap. I just wish I could re-do that entire conversation...I would have said something completely different. It is interesting to me that I have run into 3 of the girls in my support group at different times at B.r.us. This is pretty incredible because it is not like we live in a small town. I'm almost starting to believe there is some significance to this and that God is showing us that He is placing each other in our lives for a purpose.

I know I'm a dork, but I wanted to take a picture to remember registering. People were seriously laughing at us when we were taking this pic as you can imagine.


And here is the most recent bump photo: I'm even way bigger than this photo...we are really growing these days!



Also, calling all IVF experts...Go over and encourage my friend Bridget through her ivf cycle. It was less than a year ago that we were both talking about how we were "not" going to give ourselves shots...and look at us now. She is a precious friend who has walked a most difficult journey. She is my hero.

The Closet

This afternoon I decided to tackle cleaning out our guest bedroom/future nursery closet. I really didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to start bringing everything out of that closet. The day that we found out that we lost Baby Faith, Shaun went around the house with a green Motherhood bag (yes I already bought some clothes) and collected every pregnancy related thing from around the house (ultrasound pics, clothes, prenatal vitamins, pamphlets from doctor office, estimated delivery cost statements, books). It was so sad to watch him go around the house collecting all of the items, and I really wasn't ready to put everything away, but I knew it was his way of protecting me. We also received many touching cards from family and friends that I knew I wanted to keep so I tucked them away in the closet. On a few occasions(probably in the middle of a two week wait), I would let myself buy a baby item with the logic that if it wasn't for me that I could give it to someone as part of a baby shower gift. My trips to the closet were always quick...place item and shut the doors. I was doing okay bringing everything out of the closet until I got to the cards. I started to read all of them and all of the emotional pain of that time came back to me. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and honestly it felt good to grieve again. I think about Baby Faith often especially this time of year when I should be planning her one year old birthday party. I get asked frequently now if this is my first baby, and I feel a little lump in my throat and guilt every time I reply that he is. I don't know what else to say. Shaun saw me crying and took some time to look at her ultrasound picture. We talked about how strong her heartbeat sounded and what a gift that was to get to hear it.

Expecting a Miracle

Recently I received the question below from Hollie of Welcome to the Land of IVF. Hollie found out about two weeks ago that she is pregnant after her third IVF attempt, and we have all been celebrating her great hcg numbers!! Typically when someone leaves me a question in the comments section I hop over to their blog to answer, but I have too much to say to get it all in a comment form!

Hi Courtney! I need your help- how did you do it- getting pg again after a m/c and being calm? I am having trouble being anxiety-free with this new pregnancy! I thank God every day that He allowed this blessing, but I can't help but worry too. I'm always such a worrier! Knowing that you have "been in my boat", do you have some advice?? When did/do you stop worrying?

Pregnancy after infertility or loss is incredibly difficult. In a time when you feel like you should be "over the moon" in emotions and excitement, you are instead filled with an incredible amount of fear. This can in turn make you feel guilty for not celebrating your miracle, but your fear is completely normal. Infertility and loss takes away the innocence of pregnancy. Shortly after my bfp, I wrote a post about this called the Loss of Innocence. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time.
At the time that I wrote this I thought that by the end of my first trimester, I would be able to relax. I will say that with each passing week and milestone I'm able to relax more, but the worrying is still there. So here are some thoughts and realizations that have helped me along the way.

Welcome to Motherhood!- My mom has helped me realize this (thanks Mom!). She still worries about all of us, and she is approaching forty years of Motherhood! I think that holding Henry in my arms will be a huge relief, but new worries will pop up..."is he eating enough?" "why is he crying? is he sick?" I already know that I need to be looking for a very accessible pediatrician. It has helped me to accept that worrying is going to be a part of my life and something that I will struggle with as a mom of a sweet miracle from God. With that said, God does call us to cast all of our worries and burdens on Him because we can trust Him to take care of us. Just as you prayed for God to give you this most wonderful miracle, trust Him with your worries.

Celebrate!- When I look back on my loss, the one thing that I'm so glad that I did and that I will never regret is celebrating. A miracle has taken place! God has created life within you. Celebrating is not being "too innocent" or "counting your chickens before they hatch." You and your husband have a baby now that will forever change you and that you will forever love no matter what happens. Shaun and I went out to dinner to celebrate our first beta confirming that we were pregnant. I told my close friends that have walked this journey with me. Shaun brought home a big box wrapped in baby wrapping paper with a "pregnancy couch rest" blanket and pillow (my favorite present that he has ever given me). With my loss, a friend of mine gave me a little yellow and green blanket when she found out I was pregnant. It was a comfort to me to have something physical that I could hold on to and cry. I can't wait to see Henry holding it close to him. Make sure to celebrate all of the milestones. Believe me...it will help you get through the first trimester: first beta, second beta, six week ultrasound, last RE appt, first OB appt...anything and everything you can find to celebrate.

Don't be surprised by shock- Most days I feel like I'm walking around in a dream. It is very hard for me to believe or let it sink in that I'm carrying a healthy beautiful baby boy and that I'm going to get to hold him in August. My good friend Bridget who has walked this journey with me pointed out the other night that she can tell it hasn't sunken in yet, and she doesn't think I will really get it until I'm holding Henry in my arms. She couldn't be more right. My mind can't even comprehend the miracle that has taken place. I thought a few weeks ago "well maybe when I can feel him more" or "maybe after we have the big ultrasound and I know boy or girl"...these milestones just bring about more feelings of shock and an overwhelming awe that this is actually happening.

“Plenty of Time”

As promised… this is the first in a series of posts about infertility.

One of the most common misconceptions of infertility right along with “just relax and you will get pregnant” is my personal favorite “but you are too young to be infertile.” If I had a dollar for every time someone told me “but you are so young” during this journey including doctors and nurses, I probably could have paid for my infertility treatments with the money. Believe me….I understand where this misconception comes from…I’m surrounded by women in their 20s getting pregnant on their very first cycle trying, when they were being “very careful” to not get pregnant or my favorite… their husband just looked at them (still trying to figure out how that happens). I previously thought that these women were the exception to the rule (you know the “fertile myrtles”) but now I understand that they are just plain normal…they are the 9 out of 10 couples in their 20s without infertility. But what about us? What about the 1 out of 10 couples in their 20s with infertility? 1 out of 10 is significant.

Shaun and I started dating when we were 15, married at 21, and stopped using birth control right around my 22nd birthday. Not the typical timetable for most couples! When we stopped using birth control, I just knew we were going to get pregnant within a few months. It took something like 60 days for me to get my first period after birth control (of course I just “knew” I was pregnant) and my cycles after that were forever long. I had irregular cycles in college, but we weren’t having sex so I wasn’t keeping up with the amount of days between cycles. Probably about six months into having sex without birth control and my crazy cycles, I started to realize that there was a problem and that it was most definitely with me. I felt so ridiculous to care so much about having a baby when it wasn’t even the right “time” for us. Looking back I now understand why I cried so hard at the negative pregnancy tests…I was slowly realizing that something wasn’t right, and it scared the crap out of me. Even though we were young and Shaun wasn’t ready to try for a baby (which in our world meant starting clomid) mainly for money reasons, I mentioned to my gyn about my concerns. Couple tests later including a semen analysis on Shaun and our suspicions were confirmed, I didn’t ovulate and Shaun was as fertile as a bull. 23 and infertile was a tough pill to swallow. Of course I didn’t realize the extent of our infertility until much later.

Around the time of our diagnosis is when the questions started, “oh when are y’all going to have a baby?” I can remember thinking that I wish I knew the answer to that and being a little disgusted at Shaun’s “when we get our finances in order” answer. Of course what was the poor guy going to say? “Well she doesn’t ovulate so we will just have to see.” No one would have ever guessed that we would have trouble and honestly I don’t blame them for it. This is when I started to feel really alone. I struggled daily with how often my thoughts would turn to thinking about having a baby or trying to conceive. This continued to get worse over the years. What is wrong with me?? I’m in my early 20s!! Why do I care right now? I really beat myself up over this as you can see from this post. Joining the infertility blogging community was seriously one of the most wonderful blessings to me in this journey because I started to see that I wasn’t crazy…there were other girls out there just like me! Around the same time I started this blog, I also was blessed to join a support group in town. I was terrified to go to the first meeting. I knew I needed support, but I was so scared that they were going to think I was crazy for calling myself infertile at my age. I probably said, “I know I’m young” like ten times during my first meeting. They were incredibly sweet to me, and I felt an instant bond with the women in the group. I started to realize that it wasn’t about my age. I was infertile…I knew about it…I desired a child…and I needed to be there. Several meetings later a young woman with severe endometriosis came to the group for the first time that was my same age. I watched her raw emotions after a failed IVF cycle, and all of a sudden my emotions felt validated. I held her hand so tight as we prayed for God to create life in us with tears running down our faces. It was real…real pain, deep desires…nothing young or innocent about it. Through these experiences, I slowly started to accept where I was in my life. This led to more openness with our church, work, family, friends and even some acquaintances and gave us the strength to make difficult decisions about treatments.

There is nothing easy about infertility at any age…nothing comforting about having “plenty of time” when all you want is to hold your baby now. Yes statistics show a more successful response to treatment with a younger age on average, but every couple’s situation is different. My FSH number was higher than a woman in her mid 30s and a woman reaching 40 in my support group. This is a pretty good indication that my clock is tick-tocking at a much faster rate than most women my age. The friend that I mentioned above has such severe endometriosis and pain associated with that disease that she is now considering a hysterectomy after two failed IVF attempts. We aren’t guaranteed “plenty of time,” and there isn’t a perfect age to start seeking treatment or for becoming more aggressive.

It's A....

We are so blessed! Baby is healthy and happy! Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives. It was amazing.

Tomorrow is a Big Day!

Tomorrow morning is our big ultrasound, and Shaun and I just can't wait to find out if our sweet baby is a boy or a girl! Pretty much everyone including me, strangers, coworkers, friends, and some family (my entire family thinks girl-but that is just because I'm the only girl in my fam with 3 older brothers) feels strongly that our baby is a boy! I have felt for sure since pretty much the beginning of this pregnancy that our baby is a boy so I'm going to be very shocked if it is a girl. Shaun has gone back and forth, but right now he is placing his guess that our baby is a boy since everyone keeps telling him that is what we are having based on my symptoms! And since he is an engineer, he is using his logic to make a guess since "statistically we have a higher chance of conceiving a boy with an IUI timed right at ovulation." I think this goes without saying if you are a reader of my blog, but I do want to emphasize in all of this guessing fun that we just want a healthy baby. We realize how blessed we are to have our sweet little one! I did put up a poll at the top of the blog so you have 24 hours to enter your guess!! Leave me a comment and let me know what you guessed! Below is the most recent belly shot at 17 weeks (I'm 18 now).

Good News for our Georgia Peaches

According to the AP and several other sources, the Georgia bill that would severely limit IVF in Georgia is most likely dead as it was sent to a Senate sub-committee yesterday for further research. I hope that we have all learned from this the importance of staying together as a community to fight for each other.

Wow! Everyone seemed to have a good time debating in my comments section yesterday. There were some very hurtful and honestly ridiculous comments left, but I have decided to leave them so that it is clear who is truly behind this bill. I will admit that they did get to me yesterday, but I'm over it this morning. God was with us every step of our infertility. He led us to the right doctor. He gave us peace about the right treatment option for us. He brought me to other Christian women going through the same journey who held my hand and prayed me through. He was there the days of our IUIs in our dr.'s office when we were left alone for ten minutes, and Shaun held my hand and prayed for a miracle. He provided comfort and hope when all we saw were negative tests. And He was there the day that we saw our miracle from Him with the most beautiful heartbeat. God creates life. God sustains life. But God works through medicine and doctors and procedures everyday in all areas of medicine.

I also had a lengthy email conversation with the Legislative Director of the organization that was behind this bill. He claims that all IVF language was removed from the bill. This must be a recent development because I read the bill in full on the Georgia's State Legislature website Wednesday afternoon, and it was all still there. Of course, this would be a major step in the right direction, but I will reserve my judgement of the bill until I read the actual new or revised bill in full.

Yesterday's debate was informative, but any hurtful comments left today will be removed. This is a place where women and men who are suffering through infertility can encourage and uplift eachother so unless you find that your comment fits into that category...I suggest you find another venue to express your extreme views. I also encourage commenters to leave positive comments on how you have seen God work through your infertility treatments.

Georgia Bill Seeks to End IVF

It came to my attention yesterday (thanks to LFCA) that Georgia has proposed legislation (SB 169) that would virtually shut down IVF in Georgia. The bill calls for many regulations, but the following I find most troubling.
-Couples under 40 could only attempt to fertilize 2 eggs through in-vitro, a max of two embryos would be potentially fertilized and transferred. No freezing allowed.
-Couples over 40 could attempt to fertilize and transfer up to 3 embryos with again no freezing allowed.
The authors of this bill obviously timed out the proposal of this bill correctly with the Octo-Mom controversy. They are trying to say that this bill would protect women and children from multiple births. But let's talk about what will actually happen if this bill is passed:
-No more in-vitro in Georgia. I would have a hard time believing that any patient, let alone any RE would use IVF as treatment under these conditions.
-Freezing would not be an option- Sometimes a patient hyperstimulates from the drugs, and it is not safe to complete the transfer. In this scenario, the doctor and patient would have no other choice (since freezing isn't an option) to risk the patient's health by continuing with the transfer.
-Patients that have little time left and/or egg supply would not be able to have embryos for future use.
-More high order multiple births in Georgia. One of the purposes of IVF is to try to prevent high order multiples. If this bill was passed, couples in Georgia would have no other option but to opt for using injectable cycles to try to conceive. Everyone agrees that this treatment option has a much higher rate of high order multiples.

As the infertility community, we have to speak up on this issue. There are already headlines out there that read, "Bill would prohibit octuplet mother scenario in Georgia." This is not accurate. The headlines should read "Bill would end IVF in Georgia." Speak out through a link provided on the RESOLVE website or comment on these articles with the right information. A simple search of "Georgia bill" in Google News will make your stomach turn. There is so much misinformation out there about this bill. Don't let them fool you and your neighbors, this bill was created as an attempt to use the Octo-Mom controversy to end infertility treatments in Georgia.

The Best Compliment

Today was a very special milestone for me. My first stranger noticed my belly and felt confident enough to say something to me! I told Shaun on our way into the restaurant for lunch that I really shouldn't have left my jacket in the car because I didn't look prego...and my belly just looked "weird." We were in line for probably not even a minute when I heard....
Old Man with his cute wife: Ma'am! Ma'am!!(Don't forget that I live in Mississippi)
Court: (turned around to talk to him)
Old Man: You are a beautiful mother..and you sir (pointing to Shaun)are a lucky man!
Court: Oh thank you! thank you!!
Shaun: I'm very lucky...you are right.
Well I don't think the smile left my face for the rest of the lunch. Shaun was cracking up because he knew I was so, so happy. It was seriously such a sweet thing for him to say, and it was so cute how hard he worked to make sure he got my attention. He also called me a mother, which was just music to my ears.

On a side note...I'm happy to report that I don't think my RE is going to forget me anytime soon (not that I really thought for a second that he would forget my craziness/medical-wanna-be questions--my support group does not just call me Dr. Courtney for fun!). I know seven of his current patients...two of which are my really good friends. Well apparently my one good friend went to an appt and kept saying...."yeah Courtney told me that." The next morning, my other good friend must have also mentioned my name because she texted me "Dr. H says that you know everyone." I really don't know that many people here since I just moved here twoish years ago, but I do know a lot of his patients, and I'm so grateful to God that He has placed these women in my life. I can't put into words what a blessing they are to me.

Lately I have been especially blessed by some very special comments left by women who have stumbled to my blog through google. A big shout out to Sue in Canada. Your comment really touched me, and I hope with you that this is your cycle. As much as I want to keep everyone updated about my pregnancy, I still feel called to talk frequently about infertility and to provide encouragement to those of you still waiting. I'm not going to promise, but my goal is to post an infertility related post once a week. I think my first topic is going to be the most common misconception about infertility (and there are many!!), but I believe this is the most common. Another item that has really been on my heart lately is praying for my little one. I pray often for the safety and health of my baby, but I want to start praying more specifically. I plan on including these prayers at the end of any pregnancy related post, and I hope that many of you will join with me in prayer for the baby that we trust that God has for you.

Prayer for My Little One: Lord I pray that my little one will come to know you at a very young age and that his/her faith in You will continue to grow deeper as he/she grows.

2nd Trimester Bliss

Hey Girls!! I'm back! I finally have a new healthy (lol) home computer so expect much more blogging from me in the near future. I feel like I need to be honest that it is difficult for me to blog about pregnancy when I know so many of you are still going through extremely hard times. My hope is that with sharing my entire journey with you the ugly, the bad, and now the good that reading this blog will leave you with hope. I can honestly say now that every single moment of heartache was worth it. I'm actually grateful for going through infertility. I'm not the same person that I was before this journey...my marriage isn't the same...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This past Saturday was our first big shopping day for nursery furniture. We started looking a little last weekend, but we decided to actually go to every baby store in our entire area in one day. I loved every second of it. My favorite moment of the day was when Shaun and I decided to take a moment to talk things over while we sat on the gliders in B R US. It is going to be hard to really explain this moment, but I think it finally set in with both of us that we were preparing to bring a baby home. On our final stop of our baby store tour, we found the perfect crib and dresser/changing table. Shaun and I have very similar taste especially in furniture so we usually know right away once we see it...and it was definitely the style/price/size that we were looking for in our nursery furniture. I will post pics soon from the catalog (it takes 10 weeks for the furniture to come in).

Update on symptoms: I feel great!! My energy is back, and I'm starting to show a little more. My bbs have definitely grown...actually so fast that I now have my first pregnancy related stretch mark. Shaun thinks that all stretch marks can be prevented with the pregnancy stretch mark cream that I purchased recently lol. I'm now trying to apply the lotion in front of him everyday to prove that these stretch marks are just going to happen...lotion or not. Next dr appt is tomorrow morning so I will try to post an update and some pics tomorrow!

Five Cute Little Fingers

I have missed blogging...I'm having major withdrawals. I need a computer!! My work computer won't let me post! I can post from my Blackberry, but we all know it isn't that easy to blog a long entry from a cell phone. So here's the long story of what happened last week. Last Saturday, I started having these sharp shooting pains that would not go away. It almost felt like my cervix so I started to get really worried, but then they went away so I relaxed a little and went to church the next day. At the end of the church service, I stood up to sing, and there they were again. I of course put myself on bedrest for the rest of the afternoon and night and called the on-call nurse who told me that it sounded like a UTI because I also had to pee frequently. The next morning, I called my sweet nurse, and she felt that we should come get an ultrasound and to get checked out. I really started to worry at this point as you can see in my post below. I called Shaun, and he immediately dropped what he was doing and picked me up at work. He knew better than to let me drive to the doctor's office by myself again (I found out about the loss of our first baby by myself at the doctor's office and somehow made it home). We were immediately called back for an ultrasound, and the tech could tell we were very scared. She did a transvaginal ultrasound first with the screen turned to her to "check the cervix length" while I knew she was checking the cervix...I also knew she would be looking to see if our baby still had a heartbeat. I kept looking desperately at her face for a reaction to know that everything was okay. Shaun was holding my hand so tight. And then she turned on the heartbeat...I think we all just took a nice big sigh. She then switched to the abdominal scan so that we could see the baby. And I know I'm partial, but oh my goodness...what a cutie. Both hands were by our baby's face, and we could see all five fingers on one hand. She even showed us baby's little feet, and they were crossed at the ankles. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see our baby so comfy in there...already displaying such a sweet personality. Shaun said in front of the ultrasound tech..."It's a girl, Courtney." I'm still thinking boy so it will be fun to find out soon who is right. I have the u/s pic right next to my desk, and I look at it all of the time. I love to count my baby's fingers. 1,2,3,4,5. I'm so amazed...what a miracle. Five perfect precious little fingers. I long for the day to feel those fingers tightly wrapped around mine. Most u/s pics are profile shots, but baby was looking right at us during the ultrasound. I hope all of you can tell what is going on in the pic. It is so much easier to see clearly as video, but we didn't have our dvd since it was an emergency. I ended up having to get a catheter to see how much urine was left in my bladder after I peed…ouch! Apparently my bladder was completely full during the ultrasound even though I just emptied it. My dr thinks that this could be contributing to my pain but he thinks that I could also be starting to get round ligament pain. I honestly think that was probably the pains now that I've read more about round ligament pain and have experienced a couple more episodes. As far as the bladder goes, I need to go to the bathroom every 2 hours, and they will keep a close eye on me for UTIs (urine looked great last time so hopefully it will stay that way). But I have to agree with my friend who replied to my everything is okay text..."woohoo...bring on the bladder issues...we want a baby...whew..thank the Lord."

Everything is Okay

I'm still at the dr's office, but we just had our ultrasound. Baby is kicked back...healthy and happy. Looks like it is a bladder issue because I just emptied my bladder before the ultrasound, and it was completely full during the exam. More details and pics to come later today.

Going to Dr...worried

Please pray for us. I had some sharp pains over the weekend in my cervix, and my nurse doesn't like the sound of the pain. We are going in at 10:30 central for an ultrasound. Please pray!

2nd OB Appt

It was such a wonderful feeling to get in the car on our way to our 2nd OB appointment. We didn't get to make it to the second appointment with Baby Faith so I was so excited to reach this milestone. There wasn't nearly as much anxiety with this appointment since we were blessed to hear baby's heartbeat on the doppler a couple days before our appointment. I did the normal check-in stuff and then headed over to look for a magazine to read while we waited. I didn't pick up Fit Pregnancy or Parents Magazine, I picked up...Conceive Magazine. I didn't want to read anything that could contain women complaining about pregnancy. I don't think I could stomach it. I don't feel comfortable in the mainstream view of pregnancy. For some reason, pregnancy is now celebrated as the time in your life where you can complain all of the time...and "it's all about you." Next to "What to Expect When Your Expecting" on the bookstore shelf is a book called "Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable." Everyone is constantly asking me how I'm feeling. I don't know what to say to them. Yes I'm tired, but I don't want to complain. I probably feel better than I have felt in at least a year. I don't have hot flashes, hormonal headaches, heartache, and constant worrying about follicles, timing, and what's next. I'm blessed. I love pregnancy. I love every second of carrying the miracle that God has given us, and it's not "all about me."
Okay done venting now...

After pointing out to Shaun how convenient the Gonal-F pen is compared to mixing all of those drugs (he was very impressed with the pen), we were called back. The nurse weighed me, asked me how I was feeling. and told us that "we are just going to listen to your belly today." She is so pleasant. I really appreciate nice nurses after my former not-so-nice OB nurse.

Courtney- "So how many pounds did I gain---2? 3??"
Nurse- "Ummm actually...looks like 6 pounds."
Courtney- "Oh wow okay."
Shaun- (huge smile on his face)
Apparently my sweet Shaun was proud of the weight gain.
Dr comes in....
Doctor-- "How are y'all doing??"
Shaun (immediately perks up)- "We are doing great!! She gained six pounds!!"
Doctor--(trying not to laugh) Well that's good!
Courtney- (laughed at my cute husband)

After just a minute or so of searching (Doctor: "Come on Peanut")...we heard our baby's heartbeat just beating away. Dr. said it was in the 160s, which according to him is just right. He told me that I could stop the progesterone whenever I wanted to, but I decided to decrease my dosage to once daily until next week (12 weeks).

Special Birthday Present

My 25th birthday was yesterday, and I got the most wonderful present...we heard sweet pea's heartbeat!! I decided to get the Doppler out again last night when I got home from work because I had a very full bladder. I searched and searched really low, and I was about to give up on finding it, but I decided to try several inches below my belly button in the center (a little higher), and there it was...the most wonderful sound!! I pressed the record button as soon as I heard it. Shaun was still at work so I called him and told him I had something to play for him. I could tell he was extremely excited and relieved to hear our baby's heartbeat. We have our second ob appt on Tuesday morning, but at least there won't be as much anxiety since we heard the heartbeat. I will admit now that not finding the heartbeat last week really got us both scared. Click below to hear sweet pea's heartbeat at 10w3d..172bpm.

Finally!

Hey Girls! I'm so happy to finally be able to post a few updates on what has been going on with us the past two weeks. My work computer won't let me post, and my home computer is currently broken so I'm very, very excited to get to blog. I'm 10 weeks now!! Can you believe it??!! I can't! Well I hope you enjoy the updates and belly shots below, and I will try to blog again really soon :).

9 Weeks

Not the best photo of me, but you can definitely see the bump in this picture. Wow!! 9 weeks :). Look how cute our baby looks now on the sidebar in the 3d thingy (awwwwwh!!). I'm still not comfortable with being a normal patient. I'm doing all that I can to just relax and enjoy every minute, but I think I would do a lot better with this if I didn't have to wait an ENTIRE month to see my doctor. At least we only have one week left until my appointment, I think I can make it. I also made a huge mistake last week which did not ease my fears in the slightest. I decided to rent a doppler. For those of you outside the IF community, you probably have never heard of this, and you think I'm crazy, but renting a doppler is a very common practice with women who are pregnant after infertility or loss. I unfortunately decided to order mine early...(are you surprised...remember me testing at 9 dpIUI??), and we couldn't find the heartbeat. We did think that we heard the sounds of the placenta, which sounds like wind whooshing through the trees, and maybe a couple fetal movements (maybe??) which was probably gas. Everyone on the WebMd boards assures me that it was way too early for my weak doppler and to try in a couple more weeks so I will at least wait until the day before my appt before I try again. I woke up at 3 AM that morning in a major panic, but I feel back asleep to a wonderful dream. We delivered a baby girl in the mall (strange I know), and I can't even begin to describe to you the feelings I had when I held her in my arms, and she opened her eyes for the first time. Then I gave her to Shaun, and she smiled so big when she heard his voice. I had this overwhelming feeling of protection for my daughter, and I remember not wanting very many people to hold her. I woke up feeling a little better, and I told Shaun that we needed to remember that there is a 95% chance (according to our dr) that we have a safe and healthy baby.

Update on symptoms: Finally starting to feel a little nauseous in the evenings...it is a very welcomed feeling. I also have what I like to call "pregnancy gag attacks." I think these started around 8 weeks. I will just be in the middle of a conversation feeling fine, and all of a sudden something will come over me, and I just gag...and it is the funniest sound. This also happens almost every time I brush my teeth now too. Shaun laughs every time I gag. I know that sounds really mean, but I have to laugh too because it sounds so funny. We both just love it when I have pregnancy symptoms. We are really having a lot of fun together lately. There is a lot of laughter in our home. I realized this weekend in the middle of block.buster while we were both acting silly just how much infertility was draining us. It feels really great to be myself again.

First Bump Photo: 8 weeks

This was New Year's Eve...If you look closely, you can see a little bump. I think the progesterone supps are making me show earlier, but I did show early with my first pregnancy, and I wasn't on progesterone with that pregnancy.



We had a great time at the New Year's party! I drank lots of sparkling white grape juice (I love that stuff) and cuddled up next to Shaun as much as possible (I've been a little clingy lately). I wanted to cry uncontrollably when we counted down to 2009, and we all toasted in the new year. 2008 was a very tough year, and it felt really good to say goodbye to 2008 with so many wonderful expectations for 09. The next day...we headed to Birmingham, AL to meet our newest little nephew, Noah and to give lots of attention to Noah's big brother James (15 months) to help with the transition. I know I'm very partial as an Aunt but let me just say that they are both absolutely adorable! It was a really great experience for us especially for Shaun to get to see the first couple days home from the hospital. I told my sister-in-law that it was like that TLC show Bringing Home Baby except that this was the LIVE Edition. It really made Shaun and I realize just how much we have left to learn! Shaun really paid close attention to everything and asked lots of questions (too cute). I also got to go to Motherhood with my Mom. It was a very special afternoon because we have both been looking forward to that day for a long time. We spent hours in that store, and we found a lot of cute clothes ;). Our favorite purchase was a black and white polka dot dress...I know it doesn't sound that cute but I have to admit that I love it, and I can't wait to wear it.

2008...Oh What a Year!

December 31, 2007- December was our first month trying again after our loss. Right around Christmas, I found out that my good friend on her first month trying was pregnant and at the same time I found out that I was not pregnant. I was incredibly happy for her, but my heart hurt for the baby that I lost. I was focusing so hard on getting pregnant again, but my true hurt was ringing in the new year without Baby Faith. She drank sparkling white grape juice...I drank several glasses of champagne. As we celebrated the New Year...I still felt hopeful on the surface that we would get pregnant easily, but deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 2008.

January 2008- Both of our birthdays our in January so we celebrated and hoped for the best...bfn.

February- My period came in the middle of the night, and I didn't have any naproxen (aleve) for the pain. I took some extra strength Tylenol and suffered through extreme pain throughout the night. I honestly believe that my pain was at the same or similar level of childbirth...yeah go ahead and laugh, but I know it had to be close. I called my gyn in the morning, and we went in to get an ultrasound to look for problems. U/S was clear, and my dr took a look at my temp charts (still long cycles with a short lp) and decided to prescribe me Clomid. I can't tell you how happy I was to get that Clomid prescription. I was so naive in thinking that a little clomid would fix all of our problems.
February also was my first meeting with a support group here in town. This was such an answer to prayer. I decided to ask for prayer about my loss and trying to get pregnant again during a bible study with my church girls and one of them worked with a girl who helped lead a bible study/support group for women with infertility or loss. She gave me her email and a couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of girls that knew all too well how I was feeling...there was an instant bond.


March- Our "miracle" drug didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate at a normal time. Uh-Oh! After researching, I realized I wasn't being closely followed enough and decided to make an appointment with a RE in town. We both really felt like God was leading us to Dr. H. and He definitely was...

April- The famous False Positive month. This month was one of the worst. You can click on the link for the full story. I took the test on a Sunday morning, and we were beyond thrilled. I pulled my good friend in the stairwell at church to tell her the news. She was pregnant at the time after a much harder journey, and we were so excited that God answered both of our prayers. The next day, I called her in tears to tell her that the bloodwork came back negative.

May- First appt with my RE. He wasn't the best at giving a lot of hope, but we did leave with a lot of info. He also found by looking at my temp charts that I was going to need progesterone supps at the end of each cycle. Next appointment revealed that my follicles didn't even grow...u/s two days later confirmed. Even the RE was confused with my young body having this response to meds. May 13th was our due date for Baby Faith, which made the month even harder.

Then I received an email for my good friend who I mentioned above, a follow-up ultrasound revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy that was not caught on previous scans...she was headed in for an emergency surgery. My heart broke for her, and I was so angry with God. Test confirmed later that she did have heteroectopic twins...one implanted in her uterus, the other in her tube. I went to go see after surgery, and I was just sick to my stomach that she would have to go through more pain. My anger at God grew stronger the more I let myself think about it on the way home. When we got home, I took a moment to breathe outside, and I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked up in the night sky. Written in cursive letters in the clouds were the letters "T-R-U-S-T." I yelled at Shaun to hurry outside. He also saw it and then the cloud immediately started to fade away. I look back on that night, and it is still so hard for me to believe that it actually happened. God was telling me to trust Him even in these incredibly hard circumstances that we will never understand...He has a plan.

June- One follicle actually decided to grow this cycle, and we had our first IUI on a very special Sunday morning, Father's Day. How is that for dramatic? I just knew it had to be the cycle. bfn.

July- Follicles didn't grow...lining was too thin to even think about trying. I decided to talk to Dr. H about the pain I was having with my periods. The first doctor who actually believed me and took my pain seriously!! We scheduled surgery for August. July was also my first time at baby therapy. I loved holding those babies in the newborn nursery. It calmed my heart to have such a beautiful reminder in my arms of why we were going through all of this.

August 11, 2008- Surgery day. Found Stage IIish Endometriois. I woke up so fast in recovery when I heard the resident say to the nurse "endometriosis." Dr. H came and talked with me and told me that I probably wouldn't remember our conversation...yeah right!! I was asking what stage and everything. Although, I did think that he told me I was an angel that might have still been the drugs lol.

September 25, 2008--the one year anniversary of our d&c. The anesthesiologist at the D&C told me not to worry that I would be back at the hospital around this time, and he would be giving me my epidural. Instead, I was not pregnant as not pregnant gets. IUI #2 failed.

October- IUI #3 failed. I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.

November- Let's get aggressive! After talking and praying with our pastor and an elder, Shaun and I felt comfortable moving on to injections. We were blown away that our insurance company agreed to pay for the meds...such a blessing from God. Do you know how many insurance companies cover anything involving infertility in Mississippi? Um yeah hardly any of them. Our RE was less than excited about starting an inj cycle because he was scared of multiples (he usually likes to move on straight to IVF), but he was willing to let us try a couple cycles.
Thanksgiving Day- We found out that God answered our prayers. I still can't get over that we found out on Thanksgiving day. I just felt like that was a special little sign that God was showing us how His plans our perfect.

So I raise my sparkling white grape juice glass to 2008...A year that showed me that God is in control even in the most difficult circumstances. May we all be able to trust Him more in 2009.

Ultrasound Video

We had our first regular ob appt today. It was so wonderful to feel like a normal pregnant patient. I was of course still nervous at this appointment but definitely not as much as our first ultrasound. The baby's heartbeat was a lot stronger today at 140 during the first ultrasound of the appointment and in the 130s during the second ultrasound of the appointment. Yes you read correctly...we got two ultrasounds today. The ultrasound tech forgot to put a dvd in to record the ultrasound so my sweet ob asked her to please give us another u/s at the end of our appointment. I'm so glad he asked us if we got a dvd because I felt too bad to bring it up to the tech when I realized that she forgot. I don't have another appointment until four weeks from now!! Do you know how long it has been since I've gone a month without seeing a doc? I'm a normal patient again...yay!! I hope I get to stay that way.

Our First Ultrasound

Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 3:30-4 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was a disaster. All of my fears and doubts got the best of me and all I could think about was what I was going to do if we got bad news. I prayed for God to take care of our baby and to give me peace, but then I would immediately go back to thinking the worst. Finally, I decided to make myself picture Shaun and I going to the hospital to deliver our baby in August. I was finally able to get a few more winks until Shaun woke me up around 6AM, and I practically jumped out of bed. This was pretty funny because I typically have to get dragged out of bed. I'm not a morning person. Shaun was so happy that he didn't have to tiptoe in the dark to get ready to run. I know a lot of people were praying for us because I felt at peace as I was getting ready to leave. On the ride to the hospital, we both stayed pretty quiet because there were really no words to say. I was doing okay until we pulled off our exit. I looked at Shaun and said, "Okay now I'm getting nervous." He admitted that he was also feeling a little nervous, but of course not as much as me. It was such a weird feeling walking through those double doors with my hand tucked around his arm…. Is this the last time we will ever walk through these doors together or is this only the beginning of more of the same? They immediately got us into an ultrasound room. Shaun and I found the perfect position where he could stand andhold my hand, and we could both see the flat panel monitor on the wall. Then it seemed like we had to wait for forever. Finally my sweet ultrasound tech came rushing through the door and said, "I'm sure you are ready for me to get in here." Then she asked us "Now are we sure we are going to be okay if we see more than one or more than two?" Shaun and I both emphatically replied "yes!" Then the moment came when she finally started the ultrasound. I could immediately see the sac, but I couldn't see a baby. It was a scary few moments. She kept looking around because I think she was expecting to see more than one. After realizing that there was only one baby, she zoomed in on the sac and that is when we both saw the baby. In that moment, an enormous amount of peace, relief, and joy came over me. Shaun and I were squeezing each other's hands so tight. There was our baby with a flickering heartbeat…it was twinkling away, and it was the most beautiful sight. And then she turned the Doppler on, and we heard our baby's heartbeat pounding so hard. It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound. I could listen to that sound all day long. When we left our clinic, we said our goodbyes and thanked all of the nurses and my doctor for being such sensitive caregivers. I hugged my good friend at the front desk who always had a smile for me. And then Shaun and I held each other close again as we walked through those same double doors. We will never forget the heartache and pain that we experienced in our journey to parenthood…it will forever change who we are…but as we left through those doors, we both realized that God has given us an incredible gift. Not only the gift of this baby He has created for us, but the gift of an overwhelming appreciation for the miracle of life and especially the miracle of our little one's life. I pray that was the last time we ever have to exit through those doors.

One more day...

Our first ultrasound is Wednesday morning! My emotions right now range from extremely excited to pretty much terrified. Wednesday is either going to be one of the best days of our lives or one of the worst. I can't imagine how fast my heart is going to beat waiting for that first reaction from the ultrasound tech. I still have my sore bbs and tired symptoms, but I still don't have any nausea :(. I was really hoping I would be hugging a toilet by now. I'm having a hard time blogging because it is impossible for me to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. Hopefully, I will have a beautiful video of our miracle baby to show all of you on Wednesday! Please pray for us.

Yawn.

The early pregnancy exhaustion definitely kicked in today. I've been tired for days, but this was the first day that I was struggling to make it through work. I heart feeling symptoms. I still press on my bbs all day long (when no one is looking of course) to make sure they are still hurting. I really hope that morning sickness starts to happen soon because that will make me feel so much better. My nurse did call me with my 3rd hcg draw yesterday, and it was 1,111! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday morning so just one more week until we get to see our baby! I'm still in absolute shock and amazement at what God has done for us.

Everything is Okay!

Oh no! I scared my blogger buddies with the title of my previous post! Please forgive me girls for making you worry for nothing.

Loss of Innocence

When we lost our dear sweet Baby Faith, we lost more than her precious life. We lost the innocence of pregnancy. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time. I have to be honest that as happy as I am right now....I'm equally scared. When I called for my second hcg results, my heart was beating so fast. The new nurse answered so sweet and bubbly and put me on hold to go get my results. When she came back to the phone, my heart probably stopped beating for a second until she told me that the number was 319 (doubling from the first hcg of 122). I let out the biggest "whew!" she's probably ever heard from a patient. "Were you nervous?" she asked obviously amused. I responded quickly with a big..."YES!!," which I thought would end her questioning. But then she actually asked me, "Did you have a reason
to be nervous?" I could have kept her on the phone for another hour explaining my reason(s) for being nervous, but instead...I laughed to myself at her innocence and my lack of it.
On a side note...thank you so much for all of the sweet and encouraging congrats! I can't put into words how much all of your comments have meant to me. Below is my hcg chart...I will have one more beta on Monday and then an ultrasound the following week!

A Thanksgiving Surprise!!!!!

God has answered our prayers and has blessed us with a miracle...we are pregnant!!! Thanksgiving morning, I took a digital test, and I really thought it was going to say "not pregnant." I placed the test on the nightstand, and my heart was beating so fast as I watched the hour glass flash on the test. All of a sudden, it was there...it said "Pregnant." My heart started to race even more as I turned over to look at Shaun next to me in bed. I don't think I could get a word out, and I was shaking like crazy. We could not believe our eyes. We couldn't even cry any tears because we were both so shocked. We prayed together and thanked God over and over for blessing us. I've taken like eight tests this weekend, and it is still hard to believe that I'm pregnant. My nurse called me with my first beta draw at lunch, and it was 122 (today is 14 DPIUI). Tonight was the first time I've cried...it was a mixture between laughing and sobbing at the same time because it is just starting to feel real. When I came home tonight, there was a big box wrapped in baby paper on the coffee table. In the box was the sweetest present I have ever gotten from my hubby...an incredibly soft pink plush blanket and pillow. Shaun said that he got it for me for my pregnancy couch rest...too cute. I'm walking around like I'm in a dream similar to how I felt on my wedding day. We know that we still have a long way to go especially with our history, but we have decided to celebrate each day that God has given us with our baby.

One week left

I think I need to re-read my post from yesterday. I'm usually fine the first week of the two week wait, but once the second week starts...I'm a disaster. Of course, I get to blame part of this on progesterone. It is so hard to wait. I can't really even put into words how much I hope this is it for us. Church was hard this morning. There were two babies born around the same time our baby should have been born, and I can't help but see them and think about how that should be us. There is another girl who is pregnant for the second time, and I remember being sad when she announced her first pregnancy(happy for her just sad for me). All of the couples from our sunday school class gather around the nursery doors to visit after they pick up their babies, and I can't help but feel so alone. Okay enough feeling sorry for myself! I'm so glad this week is Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will make the week go by faster.

Happily Ever After

I think one of the hardest parts of this journey through infertility is the unknown. Will my body respond to the medicine? Is this cycle “the one?” How many more months and just how much more heartache are we going to have to endure? Growing up, I loved fairy tales especially Cinderella. Poor Cinderella was in a very bad place in her life. Many tears were shed as she struggled through her circumstances. As a little reader, I was always sad for sweet Cinderella, but I was comforted knowing that there would be a happy ending for her. I knew she would live happily ever after. Cinderella dreamed of a better life, but I’m willing to bet that her happy ending was way better than she ever dreamed. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our happy ending. I know we are going to be parents. God has an amazing plan for our lives, and I have faith that He will give us children. And when that day comes, when we finally hold our baby in our arms, I know we will look back in amazement at how He has provided. If I tried to write my fairy tale story now, it would not even begin to compare to the story my Heavenly Father has written for me.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4th IUI pic now posted below...

IUI #4

Shaun was so cute last night. He told me that he was really "looking forward to tomorrow." It just made me so happy to hear that because I really love our IUI mornings too. This morning started off a little late because I kept hitting the snooze. It is already a big enough challenge for us to get ready, get the sample, and beat the morning traffic to get to our clinic at 8 am so when I saw we were running late I decided to not care. I have made a special effort to remain as relaxed as possible this cycle (you can thank my therapist for this new emphasis). So we got the sample..skipping some details..and we were on our way. Yall would crack up at me at how protective I am of our army of spermies in the cup. I keep the cup safely in the palm of my hand as I put my makeup on in the car with one hand (shaun is driving of course). And I proudly carry it into the clinic that way...no paper bag for me! After we dropped off the little guys, we headed over to mcdonalds to grab some breakfast (one of our favorite iui traditions). We got called back not long after we got back to the clinic. I had to laugh at my nurse because she asked me if it was okay if she did the IUI. I said "of course you've pretty much done all of them," and she said, "I know that's why I wanted to make sure it was okay with you and that you didn't want a change." She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her that I felt very fertile especially with all of this cm. Then I opened my big mouth and said "I mean Saturday was the best I have ever had." Well of course she got the wrong idea and thought I was talking about bding instead of cm...haha. It is very uncomfortable to laugh when a nurse is in your area trying to put a metal speculum in there. After the nurse left, Shaun praved over the IUI, and he prayed for a miracle. Then the nurse came in with Shaun's count, and this was his best yet at 187 million. And don't worry...we took a picture...I'm obviously not one for breaking traditions. I will try to post it tomorrow, but I'm still writing my blogs on my blackberry since my computer is broken.

Dr Appt Update

Well I'm so glad we switched to injectibles! I had an ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and today (cd 9), and it looks like we will have two to three follicles this cycle. My lining was also way thicker than it has ever been at 11! We are triggering tomorrow night and our IUI will be Monday morning. More to come soon...I'm having to blog on my blackberry because my home computer is broken. I'm still reading everyone's blog through google reader, but I'm not able to comment. So even though you might not hear from me...I'm pulling for all of you!

My First Injection Video

Well my first injection went okay. I'm still not sure if I did it right, and I was scared to death. I had Shaun record me for two reasons: 1. I knew if all of you would be watching this video that I would have to finally get up the nerve to go on with the shot and 2. B-roll -just in case we are the next Jon & Kate Plus 8 as my nurse made sure to warn me about at my injections lesson on Friday. My husband obviously does not do camera work for a living like I do so I'm sorry that most of this video is of my chest and my stomach roll. Warning--do not watch if needles make you queasy.

"Not Pregnant"

Did I mention how much I hate digital tests? Seeing "Not Pregnant" on a test is just too final and sad. Why can't they just say "Try Again", "Sorry," "No..darn it," or "Maybe Next Time?". Oh well girls! You know what this means...time to move on to injections. I remember thinking not that long ago that I would "never" give myself shots. Um yeah hand me that syringe...I'm ready...bring it on!

Emotional

It is hard to even explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm just plain tired...emotionally and physically. I'm sure the progesterone supps three times a day aren't helping. Eight straight months of fertility meds is getting to be too much. I'm scared of a negative result. Will I have the strength to move on to an even more aggressive treatment? I really feel ridiculous. I'm in my mid 20s and my daily life revolves around infertility treatments. How did we get to this place?

Counting the days!

I'm trying to stay extremely busy, but this two week wait is dragging! We did have a fun weekend including a pumpkin carving party on Friday night, a costume karaoke party on Saturday night, and a fall festival at our church tonight. But nothing can make your "ovaries cringe" (phrase my older brothers used to use when they were single to describe a girls reaction to them playing with babies e.g. "her ovaries were cringing" lol) more than all of these adorable babies in costume. Some of my favorites...a bunny, a monkey, a spider with his older brother who was spiderman, a pumpkin, and a bear. I can't help but hope that we will have a baby or two (!) this time next year.

IUI #3

IUI #3 went very smoothly! We had 139 million spermies! We enjoyed our traditions of going to breakfast while the sperm gets washed, praying over the IUI after the nurse leaves, and taking a picture. Everyone has been so optimistic about this cycle for us...family, friends, my RE and nurses, even some blogger friends, but I think it is just because everyone doesn't want us to have to go to the next step. I'm not as emotionally or physically drained as I was when I first started going to my RE with all of the appointments, meds, and new procedures...I know what to expect now, and I feel like I'm friends with everyone at my RE's clinic so it is just makes it easier. And the 2ww isn't as hard because I don't expect to be pregnant anymore, I will just be shocked if/when it does happen. It is probably my way of dealing with the disappointment, but it definitely helps the 2ww not to be so painful.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Well I think God is trying to show me who is in control, and it is definitely not me or my doctor. This morning I went back for an ultrasound, and my lining was thicker, fluid was gone, AND I had a 17 mm follicle! I am going to trigger Sunday night, and our IUI is Tuesday moning. My RE and I were both surprised. He told me that I can do injectibles next if I want to, but he is hoping I will get pregnant this time. I still believe my eoc theory in the post below is true, but I believe this is a fresh new follicle this time. Oh I hope this is the one!

Every Other Cycle Therory= Confirmed

I'm so glad y'all had fun testing your husband's ttc knowledge! I really enjoyed hearing back from all of you about all of the funny answers and the impressive scores that came from our fabulous hubbies.

I almost posted a blog entry about my Every Other Cycle Theory on Tuesday night, but I decided we could all benefit from a fun post (the quiz) so now let me explain my theory before I tell you how it was confirmed yesterday.

EOC Theory: The entire time I have been monitored by my RE, I've only had a mature follicle every other cycle. I would have one cycle where I would go in for several ultrasounds and my follicles wouldn't grow (everyone would scratch their heads). Then I would go back the next cycle, and I would all of a sudden have this nice big juicy follicle that was ready for the trigger on cd 11. The next cycle after the trigger, we would be back to a no-try tiny slow growing follicles again. My theory is that these "mature" follicles that we find on cd 11 are leftover from the previous cycle. My RE doesn't do cycle day 3 ultrasounds so this whole time I've been trying with leftover follicles a.k.a cysts.

Theory Confirmed: Yesterday my mid-cycle u/s once again showed tiny follicles and a very thin lining 5mm. Apparently when I have the hcg shot, it triggers ovulation so it doesn't leave any leftover follicles hence why I didn't have a big one this time. I decided to go ahead and share my theory with my nurse and my RE...and they actually both seemed to somewhat believe me. I also had fluid around one of my ovaries so I'm going back for another u/s tomorrow to check on the fluid and to talk more with my RE about the next step.

So What Now??: Well obviously Femara isn't working so we have to move on to either injectibles or IVF. My RE tries to skip the injectibles step because it has a higher rate of multiples, and it is not a cost effective option in his opinion. Well the good news is that I talked to my insurance company yesterday afternoon, and they will cover the injectible meds. Since they are covering the cost, I'm going to try to convince him to let us do at least 2 injectible cycles.

I will try to post another update tomorrow!

TTC Hubby Quiz

Shaun and I were talking the other day about how much he knows about the female reproductive system so I decided to give him an impromptu quiz. His answers definitely proved again my post below that I talk about this way too much! But since we got so many laughs out of it...I thought I would pass it on to all of you! Enjoy!

What Kind of TTC Hubby Are You?

1. Average number of days in a normal woman's cycle
2. Abbreviation for the urine tests that some women take daily before ovulation
3. First drug most doctors prescribe for infertility
4. Brand name of sperm friendly lubricant
5. First thing many ttc (trying to conceive) women do in the morning
6. Nickname for the hcg injection given to induce ovulation
7. 2ww stands for this
8. 2 common side effects of fertility meds
9. Name for spotting during very early pregnancy
10. IUI stands for this
11. The second half of a cycle after ovulation
12. Average length of that phase
13. IVF stands for this
14. Region of the body that the hcg injection is given
15. Measured during mid-cycle ultrasounds
16. Typical time length in hours between a hcg injection and an IUI
17. Acronym for pregnancy hormone
18. Hormone needed to support early pregnancy also known to cause PMS
19. Average day past ovulation that implantation would take place
20. The Big O
Answers below if you need them!

5 or less- "Spare Me the Details" Hubby--
The word "tampon" sends chills down your spine, and you do everything in your power to avoid talking about making a baby unless of course it has to do with sex. While your "manly" exterior is pretty cute at times, your wife needs you now more than ever to take a more active role.

6 to 10- "It Takes Two to Tango" Hubby--
You have surprised yourself with all of the knowledge you have absorbed from your wife's ttc talk. At first you tried to avoid the topic, but over time you have realized that it takes a strong partnership to make it through this tough time.

11-15- "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby--
You care so much about your sweet wife, and you do your very best to understand all of these medical procedures. Sometimes you get your medical info just a little confused, but you know an impressive amount, and you are on your way to dr status in the near future!

16-20- "Just Call Me Doc" Hubby--
From FSH to LH to HCG and anything in between, you know it all! In fact, you know more about the female reproductive system than the majority of females. You are a great listener, and you give shots with skill and precision.

Dr. Shaun scored a 16! I made the descriptions for the points before he took the quiz so I wasn't partial...I actually thought he was going to be the "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby...which he definitely is too :)

My mid-cycle u/s is tomorrow so I will post an update!

Answers to quiz: 1. 28; 2. OPK; 3. Clomid; 4. Pre-Seed; 5. Take temp; 6. Trigger shot; 7. Two Week Wait; 8. Hot flashes, moody, headaches, bloating...and more!; 9. Implantation Bleeding; 10. Intrauterine Insemination; 11. Luteal Phase; 12. 14 days; 13. In-Vitro Fertilization; 14. Butt; 15. Follicles and/or Uterine Lining; 16. 36 hours; 17. HCG; 18. Progesterone; 19. 7; 20. Ovulation (give your hubby the points if he put the other big o instead)

Support

God has blessed me with such an amazing support system through this time in my life. Early this spring, I was sharing in a small group through our church that I was really having a tough time with infertility/loss, and one of the girls in that group just happened to work with one of the leaders of a support group in town. She told me about the group and gave me her co-workers contact info. A couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of women who became my instant friends. I love everything about our group. We meet once a month at the home of the leader of our group, and we sit around the table and share a delicious dinner together. We usually just laugh and talk about life and then around dessert time we all go around the table and give our update for the month. Then we move over to the living room, and we discuss the chapter for that month out of the book that we are currently studying (right now we are doing "Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus...GREAT book..highly recommend it). My favorite part of the night and usually the most emotional time of the night is when we all hold hands and pray for each other. It is such a powerful time, and you can really feel God's presence. We usually leave around ten because we don't rush at all since we only see each other once a month.
My other support group is all of my wonderful WebMd girls and blogger buddies...I can't get over all of the kind words, encouragement, and prayers that I get from all of you. Even today, I was surprised and completely honored at what one of my webmd friends did for me. http://magaliesgarden.blogspot.com/2008/10/hope-sewing-and-sowing.html
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." Psalm 126:5

And I'm sure one of my best blogger buddies will teach me how to make a link on my blog...still haven't figured that out yet! Just wanted to let all of you know how much I appreciate you!

Quote of the Weekend

Saturday Evening
Court: (sees that spot has arrived) YES!!
Shaun: What? Implantation bleeding??
Court: (shocked that he knows what that is) What did you say??
Shaun: Implantation bleeding
Court: (laughs) wow! I really do talk about this too much!

The sad part is that not only did my darling husband know that term, but he was actually making a joke because he knows the typical time period that implantation takes place.

Update from my "Little Less Talk" post:
Wow..it is really hard!! Shaun picked up on it right away. We went to our fav lunch spot on saturday, and this adorable little blonde baby was right next to us answering her parents. "What does a snake say?" "Ssssssss.". It was very cute, but not only did I not comment on it...I tried to pretend that I didn't hear it. Shaun called me out right away, and he said that he could tell that I was pretending not to hear it. He knows me too well! I love my hubby! I am going to continue to try "a little less talk" this cycle, and I'm hoping like the country song "for a lot more action.". And I mean pregnancy action, not where some of your minds are going!

A Little Less Talk

I have let infertility consume my life. It is all I think about and pretty much all I talk about these days,and I am sick of it. I have let myself get away with this for months now because I kept telling myself that this would be over soon. This latest bfn has made me realize now more than ever that I have got to start living my life. I don't know that it is going to be this month or even this time next year. My most wonderful sweet husband has put up with so much of my ttc talk. I honestly do not know how he still listens to it. So I'm done...I'm done talking. I am not going to talk about anything ttc or baby related. I will continue to blog because I will definitely still need to vent. This is going to be so hard, but this is what I need.

Negative.

12 dpo this morning, and I woke up to a stark white negative-as-negative-can-get pregnancy test. I know what y'all are going to say that it might be too early. I really just don't think this is it for us. I will test again on Friday, and then I will stop the progesterone supps to get my period. I have a lot more to say, but I will have to save it for another blog because I am late for work!!

Dear Baby Faith

Dear Baby Faith,
The moment that I saw two lines on a pregnancy test my life changed forever because on that day I found out that I was your mom, and I couldn't believe that God would bless us with such a precious miracle. I loved every second of my time with you. My favorite day was when we actually saw you on an ultrasound and heard your sweet heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound. Your daddy was also completely smitten with you. One night, when your dad came home from work, I heard a sound and asked him "what is that sound??" He pulled out his cellphone from his pocket and told me that he was listening to your heartbeat on the way home from work over the speakers in his truck. You have the best dad in this entire world. It was on this day a year ago that we found out that you were gone to Heaven. I have missed you so much, and I love you with all of my heart. I can't wait for the day that I will get to rock you in Heaven.
Love you,
Mom

IUI #2

IUI #2 went very well this morning! (I'm not saying "peace" in the pic by the way..I'm saying yay for IUI #2) After delivering our specimen, we had 45 minutes to get some breakfast so we went to a great breakfast place by the hospital for a quick bite. Here I am enjoying my last meal as a non-pregnant person (please take note of my positive/hopeful attitude)



When we got back to the office, we only had to wait about five more minutes and then they called us back. Shaun's sperm report was great! 150 million after wash! It was a little akward this time because the nurse practitioner was teaching the new young nurse how to do an IUI, but it was a lot less painful than last time so I was happy. After the nurses left, Shaun said a really sweet prayer, and we had a great time laughing and talking while I stayed somewhat still on the table. We actually had such a fun time that we lost track of time, and the nurse had to come in to tell us it was time to go. I told Shaun this morning on the way that I liked the little traditions that we are starting with the our IUI days like going to breakfast..etc. And he said..."traditions? I don't want to make this a tradition! I want to have a baby!." I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, we have to celebrate these little baby steps along the way!

We Get to TRY!

YAY!! U/S was great yesterday! We have a follicle! 21 mm on my right side on cycle day 11! So Dr. Shaun gave me my hcg shot last night. Let me just brag on my husband for a second, he is amazing at giving shots. I can't even feel them! We go in for our IUI on Friday morning so please pray!

Hopeful

Last night was my last double dosage of femara for this cycle. I did have more side effects than I typically experience on 2.5mg...mainly just some killer headaches (having one right now...ouch) and a couple hot flashes. But who cares?? if I actually have some follicles this time! I go back on Wednesday to get my mid-cycle ultrasound. I'm hoping of course for at least one big follicle and a nice thick lining. If it all looks good, then Dr. Shaun will give me the hcg trigger shot wed. night with his excellent shot giving skills, and we will be back in the office two days later for our IUI. I'm feeling hopeful today..not necessarily that this cycle is going to be "the one," but I'm just resting in knowing that I am going to be a mom someday. I was telling Shaun the other day that I don't want to be like the bride that plans and plans for her wedding day, but doesn't plan for her marriage. I don't want to spend hours and hours thinking about getting pregnant without letting this valley in my life make me a better mom. Lately I have really felt that God has been trying to encourage me through babies and toddlers. Last wednesday night, some of us from our sunday school class went out with the youth to play ultimate. The other two couples had toddlers, but one of the moms wanted to play, and I didn't so I helped keep the little ones. This little boy was super shy, but at the end of the night, he all of a sudden wanted me to pick him up. I patted his back, and he gave me the biggest hugs and cuddled with me. He was even calling me "mama" lol. Then we sat down on the grass and watched his parents, and the other little girl decided to plop down on my lap too. God sent those hugs from above...I really needed them that night. Then we were eating lunch after church today, and Shaun pointed out this adorable little girl..probably only a little over a year old. She was sooo cute! Next thing I know out of all the people in the restaurant, she ran over to me and just looked up at me and smiled for the longest time. Oh!! and some great news that I forgot to report is that we got back our statement from our insurance company, and they paid 100% of my surgery..almost 10,000. We thought we were going to have to pay at least 2,000.

9 Years Together

Today Shaun and I celebrated 9 years together. We started dating on 9-9-99 so it was obviously very easy for us to remember that date! Shaun surprised me by making dinner reservations at a really nice restaurant in town. I just thought we were going to celebrate over our usual cereal dinner, but he made plans...so romantic and sweet!! I was thinking back today about what a major crush I had on him 9 years ago...(he was the oh-so-hot new football player at our high school). Back then I just couldn't get over it that he wanted to be MY boyfriend, and now 9 years later...I'm still amazed at how truly blessed I am to call him MY husband, and I definitely still have a major crush on him.

Done with Progesterone!

Well at least for now. I am so relieved! I hate to blame my emotions and out-of-control frustration/anger/hormonal rages on meds, but let's face it...I'm just not myself on the progesterone supps. I'm going out-of-town with my hubby this weekend for one night, and I think it will be really good for us to get away! I just really need to be myself again...I know y'all understand.

Negative.

Well obviously my morning didn't get off to a great start. The test was negative. Today was a sad day, but I'm trying to remember that this was just my first ovulation after surgery. I'm starting over...right?? We have a new plan of action for this next cycle which includes doubling my meds, multiple ultrasounds, hcg trigger shot, and an IUI followed by 3 x daily prog supps. Really the only "new" part of the plan is the doubling of the meds, but I'm happy to be getting back to baby attempting at the dr's office. It is hard to continue to take the prog supps, but since today is 11 or 12 dpo, I need to at least wait until I test again on 14 dpo before I stop them.

And the countdown begins....

10 dpo today. I'm trying to hold off until Thursday (13 dpo) to test. I would list all of the pregnancy symptoms that I'm having right now, but I will spare all of you since it also happens to be the same symptoms that are listed on the Endometrin prog supps patient pamplet. And since I'm currently taking prog supps 3 times a day right now...I really think there is no way to tell!

Do I have....

a cyst?? I keep having this nagging pain around my left ovary for the past two days. I didn't have an ultrasound at my appt so I have no idea what is going on in there. Could it be a corpus luteum cyst? It just keeps getting worse, and I'm so bloated all of a sudden. weird.

Emotional Day

I cried all the way home from work today. I blame it on the wide range of emotions I felt all day and of course--progesterone.

Anxious- Woke up this morning feeling anxious for my friend who was being induced at 5 AM, and anxious for my appt to see what in the world my RE was going to say.

Sad- Sad that I had to go to my appt alone because my husband can't get away from his work these days (which I don't blame him for)

Stressed- Stressed with traffic trying to get to the RE's office by 8 AM

Hopeful-Appt went really well with Dr. H...He went over all of my pics from surgery, and we both talked about how happy we are that we did the surgery. He wants to double my meds this next cycle to 5 mg Femara. Oh and he was pleased that I ovulated. He said "maybe you will be pregnant" with a big smile on his face.

Stressed- Back to work in a rush to finish as much as I could in the shortest amount of time so that I would have time to see my friend at the hospital.

Calm- Held a brand new baby girl this morning at baby therapy...she was only 3 hours old, and she loved being held close. I also talked with an Indian woman who is a grandmother of one of the babies who shared with me that she lost two babies, and she just kept saying "this is such a blessing, such a blessing" because they didn't have any medical care in India when she lost her two boys. And although we didn't have a lot in common, we immediately bonded over our love for our lost babies and our appreciation for the little miracles in that room.

Excited- After baby therapy, I texted my friend to see if she was up for a visit. She wanted me to come over so I saw her for a minute and then her dr came in to check her so of course I left. Her husband came out a couple minutes later and handed me the video camera and said "you aren't going anywhere...she is 9!!" I couldn't believe it!! She had a great, fast labor. It was so special to see the dad come out with his sweet baby boy. He was so proud, and the baby was adorable!! Very emotional moment for me. I can't believe 9 months ago that I was confirming that she was pregnant by checking out the lines, and now a healthy baby is here.

So that is why I found myself crying all the way home. I actually just turned all the lights out and went to bed at 6 PM...had a good cry and nap, and I'm feeling better now.

And now we wait....

Two week waits are always the hardest for me. But for some reason, I don't feel like this 2ww is going to be as hard...probably because I would be absolutely shocked if we got pregnant right after surgery. My post-op appt is on Tuesday. I really can't wait to hear what my RE has to say about my surgery and our new plan of action. He told Shaun several times after the surgery that he wanted him to be there so that makes me feel like he is going to have a big talk with us. What do you think he is going to say?? injectibles??
TRIGGS ahead...I'm looking forward to tonight. We are going out with some couples for pizza and then bowling. The bowling is really random, but we are trying anything to help my good friend, Jessica, to go into labor. I thought this might be a hard time for me, but I'm really just so excited. Not that I'm at all taking credit for this baby, but I did help her figure out how to time everything and even gave her some pre-seed. She got pregnant the first cycle they tried. Maybe I have a future in NFP/TTC classes...wouldn't that be ironic??

What??!!

A positive opk like a normal girl??!! I wish I could type more, but I'm going to be kinda busy tonight.

The Old-Fashioned Way

Since this is the surgery cycle, we are just trying this month the old-fashioned way. Yep this month is all about getting back to the basics. We won't be giving several updates on the measurements of our follies after several personal ultrasounds; Dr. Shaun will not be giving me a shot in my butt; I won't be giving a butt-load of blood for testing; And a nurse will not be in the room when we try to conceive. Yes just good old-fashioned baby attempting (we all know we can't call it baby making--who are we kidding). I did take my meds this cycle (femara 2.5), and I am trying to track to see if I am going to ovulate with my opks. I'm on cd 12 today, and I'm starting to see what I think is a darkening pattern. It would be so wonderful if I could actually get a positive tomorrow or the next day. A girl can dream...right??

A New Day

"Tomorrow is a new day"--it was my Mom's favorite thing to say to me when I was growing up...But it was hard to still apply that advice while walking through the valley of infertility because there are very few opportunities in infertility that you get a fresh start or a "new day." As I was recovering from surgery, I received a voicemail from my sister-in-law. She encouraged me to think of this as a new day...a fresh start. I smiled so big when I got her message because I knew that it is what God wanted me to hear. Today is a new day. God has answered our prayers by giving us answers. All of what we have been through the past 2 1/2 years can be explained by this disease. As I waited for surgery alone at that scary point after you say bye to family, but before they roll you into surgery, I prayed for God to give us answers and to heal my body. Then I began to sing "Great is Thy faithfulness" in my head. God is in control of my body and my fertility, and He is faithful. Now here comes the amazing part. The day after surgery, my friend Laura, emailed me the verse below that her friend had just shared with her that day. I know this came from the Lord.

"And the LORD will continually guide you, And satisfy your desire in scorched places, And give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." -- Isaiah 58:11


"And the LORD will continually guide you.."
Looking back over this journey, we can see God's hand through all of the decisions, circumstances that have taken place. He has guided us to this surgery, and He will continue to guide us as we make more decisions about treatments.

The Lord will..."satisfy your desire in scorched places..."
As some of you may know, surgeons remove endometriosis by using a fine heat gun or laser to remove the endo so I now have many scorched places. I pray that He will satisfy my desire in scorched places.

"And give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."
I have often felt like my body has "failed" me but that is simply not true. God is in control of my body, and He has given me infertility for a purpose. I will rest in knowing that He is going to heal me and that He will give me the strength to get through this and that someday I will be "like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

Surgery Update

First of all... I'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense because I'm on some major pain meds right now..lol! The surgery went very well. My RE found Stage Two Endometriosis on both of my ovaries and the back side of my uterus, and he was able to remove most of the endometriosis. It feels good to at least have some answers now. Shaun and I will meet with our doctor at the post-op to discuss our fertility treatment options, and I will know a lot more after that appointment. Got to get back in bed....big hugs and more details to come soon...

Surgery Eve

Bowel prep=not fun
Now I'm starting to get nervous. What are we going to find out tomorrow? What if he finds nothing? My biggest fear for this surgery except of course major complications is that my RE will find absolutely nothing wrong. I really think only my IF buddies are going to be able to understand that fear. Please pray. Please pray that we will find some answers tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at 7AM, and I will try to post something tomorrow afternoon.

Surgery is.........

scheduled for Monday morning!! I'm so relieved that the wait is over and that hopefully we will get some answers soon.

Follow-Up on Baby Therapy

I'm so excited that so many of you were inspired by my Baby Therapy post. I just know that this was God given. The idea never left my head until I finally called, and the day that I called..the orientation was hours away. Here are some tips if you are interested in doing this in your hometown:
1. Call each hospital in town and ask for "volunteer services"--you can just call the main switchboard number
2. Once you get in touch with someone in the volunteer dept., you will need to tell them that you are interested in volunteering at the woman's/infant hospital (might be good to already have the name googled)
3. They should transfer you to the volunteer coordinator for that part of the hospital.
4. Be open about dealing with infertility...."Yes I was calling to see if you had any need for volunteers in the newborn nursery. I've been dealing with infertility OR I've been seeing Dr.____ there at _____ hospital for infertility (that's what I got to say because my dr practices there), and I would really love the opportunity to help out in any way that I can." It has really helped the process that my volunteer coordinator knows about what is going on with me so that she can be sensitive and encouraging. I also think she has really enjoyed giving me the opportunity to hold babies because she knows how much it means to me.
5. Try a lower-income/state hospital first--I know this is sad, but they might be more open to it because some times they have more birth mothers at this type of hospital that for whatever reason can't make it to the hospital very often to see/hold their babies

Please keep me updated if any of you decide to try it in your hometown. Some of you have expressed concern that you might get emotional. Believe me those nurses have seen a million tears and have probably cried their fair share so don't let that hold you back if you are interested in volunteering.

P.S. Need a laugh?? read the post from today: http://eternitytomaternity.blogspot.com/

Baby Therapy

Today was my first day as a volunteer in the newborn nursery at a local hospital, and it was amazing. This all started at the beginning of the summer when I decided to call the hospital to see if they needed volunteers to hold babies and to my surprise...she said yes and that the orientation was later that night. A couple fingerprints, a background check, and a TB test later, I was cleared to become a volunteer. After getting my badge today, the volunteer coordinator showed me how to do the three minute scrub down. Then, I put on a long sleeve yellow robe with an open back, and she brought me into the nursery. Most of the babies were in the little plastic mini-cribs, but some were still in incubators. This nursery is where the babies from nicu are placed once they are well enough to leave the nicu, but they aren't well enough to go home yet. My first baby was a sweet black baby boy...precious. I rocked him for probably 30 minutes. He liked to keep one of his hands untucked from his swaddle so that he could make sure that his paci didn't fall out. And then a baby started crying so I put my first baby down, changed my gown, washed up again, and held a sweet black baby girl. She had a little heart monitor on her foot so I had to move my chair over to her station to hold her. She was funny because she wanted to check out who was holding her, but she was only willing to open one eye. I can't describe to you how blessed I feel to have the opportunity to hold these little miracles. I miss them already!

Disturbed

I just don't feel right....I don't know what it is?? I feel very anxious like something bad is going to happen. Maybe it is just the Provera doing crazy things to me. I hate this feeling. I'm pretty sure it is the Provera so don't worry. On a much lighter note, I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed Shaun's comment from the other night. I was hoping it wasn't one of those.."youhadtobethere" moments.

Quote of the Day

Shaun and Courtney are watching a reality show on a relaxing Friday night.
Announcer: "They lived in a small town with a population of 1700"
Shaun: (not really watching) What??? Oh!! I thought she said ovulation
Courtney: (laughs out loud and thinks to herself..what have I done to my poor husband?)

Interesting Week

Monday--came down with an awful cold
Monday evening--girl ran into the back of my car, and the stinkin girl left the scene of the accident (hit and run)
Tuesday--8:00AM with the insurance adjuster
really felt sick...bad cold
Wednesday--actually feeling a lot better today, had tons of EWCM so I decided to take a opk for fun (yes I know this is sad), and it was positive on cd 25. So now my body wants to ovulate (sorry body...you are just a little too late)

at least I had a nice weekend...see Saturday's post

I'm NOT over it

I sometimes like to think that I'm "over it"..the whole pregnancy thing, but who am I kidding. I went to a chick flick on Friday night with my about-to-pop friend, Jessica (the really sweet one that I threw the shower for). After the movie, the entire theater of women of course went straight to the bathroom. I happened to be in front of her in line, and when a stall became available I started to head for it and then realized that I was being really rude.
"oh sorry jessica, you go ahead."
"oh no, you go...i just went..."
I proceed to the restroom
"But I have to go again!!"
Immediate burst of knowing laughs (way louder then probably anyone laughed in the entire movie)
For some reason I wanted to sit on the toilet and cry. I want to know what it feels like to carry a baby. I want to be able to burst into "knowing" laughter. I'm not "over it", but my desire to be a mother is much, much stronger than my desire to experience the "joys" of pregnancy. Lord turn these empty arms into open arms..ready to receive the miracle you have in store for us.

Finally

I heart wine.

Courtney for Dummies

While celebrating my TAB cycle with Shaun in B&N with a delicious Cafe Mocha from Starbucks in hand, I wandered (of course) into the women's health section. I picked up a few books about infertility to read including a book called "Endometriosis for Dummies." I started out reading "A Few Good Eggs", which was very funny, but Dr. Court was dying to get into the medical information so I put the entertaining book down and got back to business with my endo book. By page 10, I was hooked...it was quite a page turner because it was describing me...exactly me...the book title might as well have been "Courtney for Dummies." All of my crazy infertility symptoms...they can all be explained by this disease. Let me just list a few:
Luteal Phase Defect
Problems with Follicular Development
Ovulatory Dysfunction
Destruction of Ovarian Tissue (which would in turn cause a higher fsh)
Bowel problems (sorry TMI)
Extremely painful cramps
Miscarriage
Hypogycemia (low blood sugar)
I honestly could not even believe every single symptom was in this book. I of course bought the book, and I pretty much hugged the book all the way home. It felt so good to know that we might be getting close to at least finally having some answers. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I can't wait for my surgery!

Not This Cycle

My ultrasound today confirmed that this cycle is a no-try cycle. My follicles were still itty bitty, and my lining was so thin the ultrasound tech had a hard time finding anything to measure. So on to surgery next month! I think I'm actually going to enjoy a break. It will be nice not to feel like a crazy person on prog supps and not to have to wonder.."am I pregnant?" Bring on the coffee and wine and anything else pregnant people aren't supposed to drink or eat!

Google Me

Top Five Best Google Search Engine Queries to this blog:
5. "things to do during 2ww" and "how to pamper yourself 2ww"--I know...the 2ww sucks doesn't it??
4. "im having a tuff time getting pregnant"-I feel ya honey!
3. "warm bath after iui"- Ummmm...not a good idea.
2. "progesterone supps foamy pee"- I've had a lot of symptoms on the prog supps, but not that one!! Could just be some of the supps coming out, but you might need to get checked for a UTI.
And the number one query.....
1. "Spermies!"- Well apparently you are just as excited about spermies as I am! I heart your use of an exclamation point in a google search.

If you were one of the google searches to make the top five...don't feel bad! I have googled way crazier things!

Dr. Appt Update

Well it looks like my uterus has finally had enough! Fifth cycle of meds and my lining is super thin (4 mm). My follicles also did not cooperate...I have a couple, but they are only 11,11,11, and 13. I'm going back on Friday to see if the little follies have grown or if my uterus has decided to cooperate. I finally got to express my concerns about my pain (mainly around af) to my doctor, and he immediately brought up lap surgery. He said that my symptoms sound like I could have endometriosis, and we will only know by taking a look inside through surgery. I told him that I am all for surgery because I would rather do it first, then spend all of the $$$ and then decide we need to do surgery. Unfortunately the OR is booked for Friday so we will have to schedule the surgery for August. I am actually okay because I just knew my follies were going to be little. I would have fallen off the table if the tech told me I had a big one this time. I have a funny blog coming tomorrow to lighten the mood!