Our Infertility & Loss Story

There is just something about Mother's Day that brings up all the feels and of course memories of our infertility and loss story.  I felt that I owed it to y'all to share the rest of my story.  It has been way too long.  I hope it brings hope to anyone who stumbles upon this post. 

I have something to tell y'all...

I honestly don't know how to start this post or how to even begin...my heart is beating out of my chest as I'm just trying to even begin to come up with the words to say so I guess I'm just going to have to come out and say it.  I'm pregnant.  To say that I'm shocked, surprised, amazed, overjoyed...doesn't really begin to even describe how I'm feeling right now.  Shaun and I are so incredibly grateful to God for this precious miracle. 

Now for the story...

If you've been reading my blog recently, then you know that I went back to my RE last month and got extremely discouraging news based on my bloodwork and history about trying for another baby.  Our doctor didn't say that it couldn't happen any other way, but he stated that we would most likely need at least an injectable cycle to get pregnant.  Shaun and I started to argue for a few days as we tried to figure out how we could financially go for an injectable cycle, and we finally came to the conclusion that it would be a long time before we would have the money (as in at least a year).  Little did I know that I was already pregnant.  I started to become okay with waiting because I knew we are incredibly blessed to have Henry and if God has taught us anything through this..it is that babies are worth the wait.  At 11 dpo, I took my temp in the morning, and it didn't drop (temp always drops the day you are going to start and I only had a 11 day luteal phase).  I thought to myself that wow that was great that my body was starting to do better (a longer luteal phase) on the Making Babies program (see below for more info).  The next day...temp was up again, and the thought still didn't enter my mind that I could really be pregnant...I was just encouraged by the progress my body was making.  But that night, I happened to be in dollar tree passing by the pregnancy tests, and I decided to throw one in my basket.  I wasn't really thinking about testing that night but as soon as I got home I headed for the toilet because I just needed to know.  I wasn't nervous taking the test because I just knew I wasn't pregnant.  I didn't see a line so I asked Shaun to come look at the test.  He put it on the counter where there was better lighting, and he said he thought he saw another line.  Sure enough there was a very, very faint line, but dollar tree tests have been mean to me in the past so I figured it was wrong but of course was starting to go crazy at this point.  I finally remembered that I had a clearblue digital in my cabinet so I waited a few hours and decided to take a test so that I could get these crazy thoughts out of my head.  And a minute or so later...it popped up "pregnant."  My heart immediately started singing praises to God as I started to shake.  I walked into the living room to show Shaun, and he could not believe it.  He kept asking that if "you pee on this test and it says you are pregnant then that means you are pregnant??" as if my infertile pee wouldn't give accurate results :).  We laughed and prayed and sat in shock and laughed again.  The next morning was Sunday morning, and the song on the post below was the special music that day.  There is even more to this story that is such a God thing, but it isn't my story to tell so I will have to finish that part in a few weeks. 

We shared the news with our parents and close family over Thanksgiving with Henry wearing a "big brother" shirt, and they couldn't have been more excited.  My parents had been praying daily in the morning that we would be able to conceive naturally and so this was a huge answer to prayer for them.

I had a huge scare last Monday, and I thought I had lost the baby.  I was cramping really bad for hours, and I even had a negative pregnancy test in the afternoon (I think I might have gone the bathroom too soon before I tested so there wasn't enough time for the hormone to show up).  I really thought I miscarried and spent the evening in a dark room in bed crying my eyes out (the cramping stopped later that night).  My OB office got me in the next morning and to our surprise and delight...we saw a precious little baby and heard the most beautiful sound in the world...a little 5 weeks 6 days baby's heartbeat.  I have started to feel pretty nauseous recently, which I'm trying to take as a good sign.  I felt very strongly when I found out I was pregnant that I'm to enjoy every day that I'm given with this baby instead of worrying so that is what I'm trying to do.  I'm 7 weeks tomorrow and we will go in next week for another ultrasound to check on baby.

Some of my friends and family that have found out have asked me if I believe that making the changes that I made from Making Babies and the natural supplements/vitamins helped me get pregnant.  I hesitate to answer that question because I don't want to give credit where credit is not due.  God created this life, and He is the one that has made this conception take place.  But I also know that God works through surgery, medicine, doctors and natural methods.  It is hard to say whether or not it really made a difference or not.  I will say though that I felt very strongly that God led me to that book so I do believe that there was a reason that He brought me to it.  I don't know if it was for me or for a few of my readers or both.  There are several of you...Lisa, K, and Megan who have been working through the book and making changes so I look forward to hearing how everyone's cycle or overall health starts to improve.

I do realize that this news was probably difficult for many of you to hear even if you are happy for me.  Just know that I'm praying so hard for all of you.  And I'm still here.  This blog will remain an infertility blog (will blog about my pregnancy on my other blog) as long as God continues to call me here, and I still feel very much called to be involved in supporting all of you.

If you know me in real life and have somehow found my blog...could you keep this a secret but leave me a comment to let me know that you know?  I don't mind y'all reading at all :).

A song to share

I have an amazing story to tell y'all soon, but in the meantime I wanted to share this song that was the special music at my church two Sundays ago.  I couldn't stop crying when I heard it...started sniffling loud and everything lol.  I still can't hear it without tearing up!  It is called "unredeemed" by Selah, and you can listen to it here (but you will want to minimize the window to not look at the very bad choice of pictures someone chose to put with it).

RE appt

I really feel the same way Lisa did about her RE appt yesterday (send her hugs and prayers).  It was just kinda blah.  24 hours later and I'm still not sure what to really say about it.  I told Shaun that I felt so infertile when I left.  He kinda laughed at me and said that is probably how most women feel when they leave that clinic.  True but still...it is no fun feeling infertile.  I guess the one highlight of the appointment is that Dr.H did agree that my estrogen bloodwork was "really low" so Dr.Google was right again!!  This is why you ALWAYS get your bloodwork levels from your nurse ladies.  Never accept it when they call you and say "your bloodwork came back normal."  This is what you say..."oh good!!  do you mind giving me the levels so I can write them down for my records??"  Then run to google.  If you haven't done this in the past, go get a copy of all of your medical records.  Dr. H did say that the bfeeding (even though we are down to not very many feedings per day) could still be causing an elevated prolactin and that could be causing the estrogen to be lower.  While this might be the case, I'm pretty confident my estrogen has always been on the low side because of my thin lining etc.  The second highlight would be that I was able to introduce him to the "Making Babies" book.  He didn't seem very interested, but I encouraged him to give it a try and asked him if he was interested in eastern medicine, which he said he was so maybe he will read it (doubt it).  So what is the plan??  Dr. H doesn't see the point in trying anything else except what we know worked the first time which is injectables with iui.  This kinda cracks me up because I had to literally beg him to let us do injectables (henry cycle) and now he is all about it and I was the one who brought up the higher risk of multiples this time when he said it over and over last time.  Shaun said that this means that I'm at a level 8 infertile to Dr. H and that is why he is skipping over the lower dose meds this time.  Thanks hubby :) at least you don't think I'm a 10.  Dr. H did give the option to do a mini-inj cycle where I take femara 3-7 and then a lower dose of injections to plump up my lining.  We might consider this, but I'm pretty sure we will do an inj cycle instead.  And this last bit of info is for my local friends but there is a new nurse practitioner that I'm not really sure what I think about her.  I had to spill my guts to her first and go over all of what we have been through and then she replied, "oh well I think Dr. H can fix you right up!!"  Really?  this isn't a sinus infection.  There are no guarantees with infertility.  I'm guessing she hasn't been around for very long.  I'm sure once she makes enough "not pregnant" phone calls that she will start to get it.  So what is the plan from here?  Save money!!  We don't have the money to do an injectable cycle right now plus we are down to one car and trying to save for a second vehicle.  We will continue to try on our own for now while I continue to make lifestyle/diet changes for optimum fertility (making babies book). 

Please continue your prayers for K and Adriane and let them know you are thinking of them.    

Praying for a Little One--for Adriane

This month's praying for a little one is a sweet reader who googled "infertility" and "Christian" and found my blog a little over a year ago.  It is always such an encouragement to me to hear from long time readers who haven't commented and so I was very happy to hear from Adriane a few months ago.  Adriane is a sweet farmer's wife who lives in a small town with very limited access to fertility doctors.  I love her honesty it is so refreshing to read.  You can access her blog here...please add her to your google reader so you can continue to give her support through upcoming cycles. 

Tell us about your ttc journey so far


Conrad and I have been married since July 2003, and TTC since February 2008. For the first year or so, I just kept track of my cycle, took my BBT, used home ovulation predictors (which always showed a spike), and tried a few rounds of Clomid. During this time, we also discovered that we have some male-factor infertility issues (varicocele). Because he's self-employed (a farmer) and uninsured, and I only have limited insurance, we don't have any coverage for fertility treatments. With our tax return this past year, I had the HSG procedure done (OUCH!). The results showed that I only had one fallopian tube open, and the doctor said that "unblocking" the other one would cause more damage with the scar tissue than just using my "good" one. Let me say here that the closest "big city" (around 60,000) has limited treatment options. The doctor I'm seeing is an OB/GYN with basic infertility knowledge and the ability to do IUI. After harvest is over this fall, we are planning on pursuing the IUI option, complete with the ultrasound to make sure it's my "good" tube side that's ovulating and Clomid.


What is the hardest part of infertility for you?
 
The hardest part of infertility for me is the roller coaster of emotions.  I knew I was an emotional person before, but this has been unreal.  The first two years were full of LOTS of tears and raw emotion.  I seriously felt like I wasn't even myself.  Now, I feel somewhat numb on the outside, though I still have all the emotions on the inside.  Another hard part has been the test of my faith.  I know God, I believe God, I trust God.  However, my faith has been wavering.  Why me?  How is it going to work out?  When will I start a family?  etc., etc.
 
Specific prayer requests?
 
**I need prayer that my faith would be strong. I know God has a plan, but I need to believe it in my heart and keep moving forward with my life until my dream of a baby comes true.


**Also, would you pray for my marriage? I'm sure that anyone battling infertility can attest to the fact that it's hard on a marriage. "Trying" to have a baby sure sounds fun until you have to plan every last detail month in and month out. Conrad has been so patient and loving with me, but I really want to be the best wife I can be for him, even in the midst of this struggle.

**Physical healing would be great, for Conrad and for me. I know God does miracles, and I would not be upset at all if He decided to use healing in my story to glorify Him. He knows what He's doing!

**Finances. Farming is quite up and down, and since we're self-employed, we take all the risk (and benefits) of our decisions. God has blessed us immensely and we need that to pursue our pregnancy dreams.


How can a "fertile" friend be a support to a friend dealing with infertility?


I want to know that you're with me throughout this journey, I need your strength.  Don't sweep it under the rug because it brings up some raw emotions that need to be expressed.  If I'm expressing them to you, it's because I trust you and because I need your support.  If you get pregnant, tell me you are, and reassure me that you know it's hard for me to hear the news.  If our friends are getting pregnant, let me know that you're still praying for my miracle to come; and a "that must be hard to hear that someone else is pregnant" would be welcome, too.

***Note from Courtney:  Adriane thank you for being so open with all of us.  I'm looking forward to praying for you this month and in the months to come.  This verse keeps coming to me for y'all so I hope you can cling to it as you wait for the harvest.
"Let us not grow weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap the harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Post below with an update on what is going on with us too...

"Normal" Bloodwork and more....update!

I feel so blessed to have so many sweet readers checking on me and praying for me. I feel bad that y’all are even thinking about me when so many of you have so much going on in your own lives. If it wasn’t obvious from the post below, the old feelings of infertility started to rush back in the two week wait last cycle. If you have been a long time reader, then you know that the two week wait and Courtney do not get along very well (at all!!). As I expected, last cycle was negative, and I was sad but okay. The hardest part by far though was seeing Shaun’s reaction. I don’t know that I will ever be able to get that look of disappointment on his face out of my head. He really thought I was pregnant because I was tired, emotional, earliest I’ve ever ovulated naturally etc, and when I told him I wasn’t…he looked so sad. When we were trying before Henry, he was of course upset, but I don’t think he knew what he was missing. Now after experiencing being a father and loving his little buddy to bits, I can see that our inability to conceive is really hitting him harder this time. I wasn’t expecting him to be like this, but it really does make sense now that I’ve taken some time to process it. Part of me is glad that we might be grieving together this time but another part of me is just sad for how I feel like I’m letting him down (even though I know that isn’t true). I decided to get some basic bloodwork on cycle day 3 to see how I’m doing especially because I’m having hot flashes at night during certain times of my cycle. Nurse called and said bloodwork was “normal.” And of course I asked for numbers because bloodwork and normal don’t belong in the same sentence for me. My fsh was close to 9 so it hasn’t gone up too much in two years (close to ten last time), which I was so glad to hear. Estradiol (estrogen) was 19…google says 25-75 is normal and that you don’t want your day 3 number too high or too low. I’m not surprised to see my estrogen level low because my lining is always thin when I have ultrasounds so it makes sense. I guess it might not be low enough to be causing the hot flashes (?) or to be considered abnormal (?), but it is low according to google. Shaun and I had a big talk on Sunday about where we are headed this next year with trying to get pregnant. We both agreed that injectables are not an option for us financially at this time and would be something we would have to save up for maybe late summer/fall of 2011. I’ve also taken clomid off the table because I don’t need to take a drug that makes my lining worse and fertile mucus thick, which are two of my problems (thank you Making BABIES book!!). I also took vaginal progesterone suppositories (for my luteal phase defect) off the table because those things made my life a living you- know- what for 1 ½ weeks out of the month…not doing those unless we are doing something with a high success rate like injectables. So what is left? Probably just naturally trying for a year with making the changes in lifestyle/diet/supplements from the Making Babies book. I did make an appt with my old RE for next Wednesday who has just started his own private practice to see what he thinks about the low estrogen, etc. I’m going to bring my “making babies” book to introduce him to my new favorite book, and I’m hoping we can talk about some natural estrogen/progesterone options. He might be all like…hey nice to see you but come back in a year when you are ready for the fertility drugs, but I’m hoping he will be open to helping us this year with some monitoring (ultrasound, bloodwork, etc) and maybe some natural hormone options. I’m really just interested to see what he says and to see if the switch to being on his own is making him only want ivf patients or if he will be more interested in finding the cause/treating the cause etc. I’m hoping to inspire him to be more like I want him to be…lol! Hey when you only have two REs in your town…you have to work with what you’ve got. ***Just in case you are reading this Dr. H…I really do like you…just think all of you REs these days are jumping too quickly to IVF.*** I’m hoping that by taking IVF off the table forever (not going to do IVF where I live and probably would never do it because we don’t have the $$$) that he might be willing to work with other options. We shall see on Wednesday.

Protecting my heart (and my sanity!)

I'm in the middle of a two week wait right now, and I'm starting to feel the old feelings coming back...and it is making me sick.  I don't want to go back to where I was two years ago ever again.  It was such a bad place...so much constant thinking about trying to conceive, jealousy, bitterness, anger.  It (infertility) consumed my life.  Things are different now.  My heart is full and content.  I'm blown away every day at what a blessing Henry is to us and how he is more sweet and wonderful than I could have ever imagined.  I thank God all of the time while squeezing my boy as hard as I can for God giving us such a precious gift in Henry.  But things are different now.  I've experienced the incredible joy of carrying a sweet baby.  I've loved labor and breastfeeding and snuggling with a tiny baby while being so sleep deprived that I could hardly move.  I know now in a way that I've never known before how rewarding it is to be a mother and to see your baby grow up before your eyes.  And so I find myself creeping back to that place while trying as hard as I can to block it out.  Trying to protect my full heart from feeling broken again.  Shaun is so full of hope, and he keeps saying that I'm pregnant every time I mention that I'm tired or he sees me a cry at a commercial...etc.  This is not helping.  I can see the little grin creeping up on his face, and the dreams that he has for a little brother or sister for Henry.  His heart is so much more involved now after experiencing Henry.  I keep telling myself that there is no possible way that I'm pregnant, but I know in my heart that I can't say that for sure.  I find myself feeling like I need to be praying for a baby and then not feeling I can when I'm too close to too many women still waiting for a child.             

Book Review...a must read! and some news!

This is my personal opinion from reading this book.  I was not compensated or given a copy of the book.

A few weeks ago while doing a library catalog search, I stumbled upon a book titled "Making Babies."  I remembered briefly seeing something about this book before but was completely turned off by the subtitle..."a proven three month program for maximum fertility."  But since my county library system had a copy, I thought well maybe I will just check it out and skim it for a few pointers. 

I was so wrong.  This is literally the best book I have ever read about the medical side of infertility.  hands down.  And y'all know I've read some books!!  Before I continue about why I love this book so much, I want to recommend that if you have fertility problems or recurrent loss that you need to read this book.  I've pretty much forced (sorry girls!) my in real life friends struggling with infertility to read this book because it is just that good.  I'm convinced that some of my readers could actually find the cause of their infertility or a treatment for the cause by reading this book. 

As some of you may remember from this post, the one topic that will get me fired up every time is the tendency for REs or especially GYNs to not find the root cause for the infertility.  Some couples do get a diagnosis like PCOS, low sperm count, but the treatment seems to be the same for everyone no matter what the diagnosis.  Here's clomid...3 iuis....okay now 1 or 2 injectable cycles (some jump straight to IVF at this point)...and then IVF (10,000 each attempt...and an incredible amount of emotional, physical, and financial stress/pressure that goes along with that).  I'm obviously not anti-treatment as God worked through an injectable cycle to bring us Henry.  I'm incredibly grateful for knowledgeable doctors, tests, treatment options and drugs but before all of that begins...the cause of the infertility should be found and there should be an attempt to fix the cause not work around the problem.  For instance, do you know that many PCOS patients will start to ovulate regularly when their vitamin D levels are brought back to normal?  This is what Sami S. David (RE)and Jill Blakeway (Eastern medicine) are all about...finding the cause and fixing the actual problem...with over 4,000 pregnancies to prove it!

The book first explains what is wrong with the current treatment of infertility, which got me hooked from the first paragraph.  Then, they explain the reproductive system/fertility and charting...even after years of charting, I learned lots of important information.  After the basics are covered, the authors start explaning the making babies program and the health/diet/lifestyle changes that will lead to maximum fertility.  Through their years of experience, they have been able to group their patients into five different types.  I found that I am "dry," and I now understand so much more about my infertility and health problems.  I never was a good candidate for clomid because with my low estrogen and high FSH, the medicine actually made me less likely to get pregnant.  I now believe that Shaun and I have a better chance conceiving on our own than taking oral meds (this doesn't include injectables which act differently).  Each type has a comprehensive plan to follow to improve fertility.  I've just started making the changes, and I've already noticed a difference in my energy level and I got a dark, dark positive opk on day 18 (wow that is the earliest I think I've ever had one in a natural cycle). 

I know that some of you are reading this and thinking...blah, blah, blah.  You are probably thinking that this is some get pregnant quick book or that you are tired of everyone blaming your daily lifestyle/diet on your infertility.  I always tried to seperate my cycle and infertility with the rest of my health/body but after reading this book, I have a new understanding of how they are connected. Anyways...enough of me blabbing about it...check it out for yourself and let me know what you think!  You can take a quiz online to find your type with a few suggestions (many more and a plan in the book) just to get started at their website here. If you take the quiz, leave a comment with your type!

Here is a pic of most of my supplements!  wow.  and don't worry...I'm not overloading...this is what was recommended in the book for me (my prenatal is great but doesn't cover it!). Specific dosage info in book

 Check out that dark opk!

    
Now for an update on the praying for a little one girls...
Becky has wonderful news....praise God!!!!
Continue your prayers for Lisa during this difficult time.
Loren finally has a diagnosis...yay for a new doctor!
Continue your prayers for K as they are in the two week wait with their ivf cycle

These girls are so special to me as well as the girls that I pray for through email.  If you need prayer or just want to talk, you can email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com

  

ANA Results?

Anyone out there know anything about a positive ANA result in the 30s (normal around 7)?  Looking for info for my good friend who just got this result with her first infertility panel so please comment below or leave a link to a post if you know anything about it/have experience with it.  Her doctor is referring her so she wasn't given very much information and google can be scary at times.  Thanks!!

Prayers for Lisa

I have some really hard news to tell all of you about our sweet Lisa.  I keep typing and erasing and typing and erasing because there is just not an easy way to say this.  Lisa and Barry lost their precious baby at 14 weeks.  Please go over to Lisa's blog to let her know that you are praying for them. 

Just in case some of Lisa's IRL (in real life) friends and family might read my blog, I wanted to share this link (click on the posts below) with helpful information on helping someone through a loss.  The main lesson I've learned from experiencing a loss myself and hearing from others who have experienced loss that comments trying to make them "feel better" should be avoided during this time.  Just let them grieve.  cry.  Let them be angry.  And let them grieve on their own timetable.  There is no right way to grieve, and there are no words to say to make them feel better right now.

We love you Lisa.

Significance of Dates

Recently while cruising through Wal-Mart, I noticed that the minute maid pink lemonade was on sale for $1.  Since I pretty much adore pink lemonade and a sale, I ran over to put one in my cart.  I reached for a carton, and the expiration date immediately jumped out to me...SEPT 25 10.  It surprised me, and I almost put the lemonade back, but I decided that three years and a miracle later that I could handle seeing that date every time I opened the fridge.  I was wrong.

Every. single. time. I opened the fridge...I saw the date and my heart reacted.  September 25, 2007 was the day that I've never felt so empty in my life.  Just days before, I was full of life...patting my itty bitty bump knowing that there was a baby with a heartbeat inside of me. But on September 25th, I woke up from anesthesia knowing that my baby was gone from me.

I will say that time has helped the date to not be as difficult as it was in the past.  I can remember balling my eyes out at a Grey's Anatomy season premiere commercial because the date was September 25th.  For this reason, I can always answer my friends and hubby when they ask when the fall shows are starting back.

Dates are so significant.  It might be the anniversary of starting to try to conceive, the start of a new school year, holidays, your first RE appt.  Whatever that date or dates might be for you...realize that it is okay to grieve.  It is okay to recognize that it hurts still and that you need to "check out" for a day or two.  As a wise infertile friend once told me..."you don't have to be a hero."  If there is a baby shower scheduled for that day or even a baptism at church, you don't have to go.  It is okay to take some time...even years later.

Praying for a Little One--for K

This month's praying for a little one is a sweet, sweet reader that I've had the blessing of "knowing" and praying for through email (prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) for about two months now.  K's blog is anonymous so we will just call her K as she goes by on her blog, and we won't get any pics this time :).  She just started her blog so please add her to your google reader so she can get some support!!  Hope y'all enjoy the new Q&A format.

Tell us your ttc journey so far

So here is our ttc story so far...

I have never been on the birth control pill. When my husband and I married in Oct 2008 we decided that we would just use condoms – that only lasted 2 months. 

We stopped using “protection” during the month December 2008. We agreed that it would be totally fine if we “accidentally” got pregnant. (Secretly - or not so secretly - I was hoping that we would get pregnant, and was always slightly disappointed when my period came) I started taking prenatal vitamins “just in case”.

After a few months we decided that it was time to really start trying. I researched as much as I could about ttc - ovulation calendars, websites, asking questions to a few friends and hours at the library looking at books. 

Most of my friends have kids, and almost all of them got pregnant with in 1 or 2 months of trying and a few even had “surprise” pregnancies. I was certain that it would work right away for me too! I even went to garage sales and baby stores and bought a few baby items – a vintage baby bathtub and a cute little baby dish set, some little tiny socks, a snuggle toy just to name a few. K and I also had our names picked out. The first month that I got a BFN,  I was convinced it was wrong. (I thought for sure I must have “implantation bleeding” turns out it was my period)

I was so disappointed, but was I was also just as convinced that the next month would work…and the next month…and the next month…etc. 

I finally came to the realization that conceiving isn’t as “scientific” as I thought. After reading so many books I realized that I almost took God out of the equation. I felt like maybe it was my fault for putting my faith in “science” (sperm + egg = baby…simple) rather than putting my faith in Him and maybe He was teaching me a lesson. So I left the library and started reading Christian books about ttc. I memorized scripture, studied Hannah and Sarah’s stories and really put my faith in God, and remembered and recognized that I can take all the right steps, but ultimately it is in HIS hands. HE is the one who gives life. 

After about 9 months K went to get tested. They found that he had low sperm count, and low motility. 2 weeks later we were referred to a fertility clinic about 45 mins from where we live. After some investigation they told me that I had small eggs, and that might be the reason we haven’t conceived. 

So began appointment after appointment. 

So far we’ve done:

• 9 cycles of "actual trying" natural

• 1 cycles of investigative appointments

• 3 cycles of Femara 

• 1 cycle “off” (we still “tried” but took a month away from the clinic)

• 2 cycles of Puregon injections and IUI

I still have yet to see a BFP. 

Despite the emotional rollercoaster that this is, I really try to stay focused on God and keep my faith and hope in him!  I really believe that I will be a mother one day.

What is the hardest part of infertility for you?

There are two “hardest” things for me. One is the unknown. If I knew for sure that I would be pregnant at a certain time, then I could just focus on that and go through all the “hoops” to get there. But it is the unknown that I find so difficult. Not knowing how or when it will happen. Imagining the future and all the “what if’s” and wishing that I could just know!    The second is how lonely it can make me feel. I don’t know anyone else who is dealing with this same thing – it is not something that I hear people talking about around where I live.

Specific prayer requests?

My prayer requests are for emotional strength for both my husband and I – that we won’t lose hope and that we will stay positive and strong. And that I will become pregnant and we will have a healthy baby at the end of this journey!

How can a "fertile" friend be a support to a friend dealing with infertility?

If you have a friend who is going through infertility – I would say the best way to be supportive is to listen. Allow her to talk through what she is going through. And keep telling her that you are praying for her. When I know people are praying, it really encourages me.  The thing that I wish a person would understand about infertility is how emotionally draining it is. All the appointments etc can be physically tiring, but every unsuccessful cycle is emotionally exhausting! That even if the person is acting happy and “normal” they are hurting inside and a lot of tears fall behind closed doors. And a good hug and a cup of tea with a friend always make things feel better. (at least it does for me)

**Note from Courtney--K and her husband just recently decided to go with their RE's recommendation for IVF with ICSI so they are prepping for IVF this month.  So grateful that we have the opportunity to pray with them through this most emotionally and physically difficult process/treatment.  Praying for a miracle!!

Praying for a Little One--Praise Report!

I'm so happy to announce that our prayers for Lisa have been answered!  Our first Praying for a Little One baby is on his or her way!  Lisa had to wait to share publicly on her blog because she has many readers in real life, and she was also so sweet to be concerned by how her IF readers may feel by reading the news.  I know pregnancy announcements are not always an easy thing to read even if it is from a woman who was struggling with infertility, but I felt that I needed to share this with all of you to give you hope.  God is faithful.  He creates miracles everyday.  God's timing is perfect.  These are truths that I have to remind myself of everyday and watching Lisa's journey has encouraged me as I'm sure it has all of you.  Her faith challenges me, and I know she is going to be a wonderful mother.  I feel like Lisa and I are infertile sisters.  She got pregnant on her 4th IUI/1st inj cycle...same as me!  She took IUI pics holding up fingers like me!  She is an Alabama girl, and she is now dealing with the "why me?" guilt, which I really struggled with that too.  

Lisa, I encourage you to keep blogging.  It will be too painful for some of your readers to read right now, but I can't tell you how many readers told me how encouraging it was to read my blog during my pregnancy because it helped them remember that all of what they are going through is WORTH it.  I hope you are feeling well!  We give God the glory for this precious miracle!!

Would you like to be our next Praying for a Little One?  I really would like to continue this ministry, but I'm having a difficult time finding bloggers right now.  Email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com

Well it was fun while it lasted...

11 dpo...woke up this morning to low temp, cramping and spotting (11 days past ovulation=way too early, see below).  I was really starting to think that maybe people were right that I might start having normal cycles after pregnancy.  We infertile girls like to hope and dream..don't we?!

I'm not sad that I'm not pregnant.  I really didn't think there was a possibility that it would happen.  I'm just sad that my body is still acting like her old self.  I don't have that strong ache for a baby right now, and I'm actually trying my hardest to keep that far far away for as long as possible because it hurts too much.  I really didn't have much sympathy when I was trying to conceive for women who already had children and were having a difficult time conceiving.  Now I might end up being that girl, and I'm scared what that might feel like.  I know all to well now the daily joy of having a child.  The smiles he brings to my face.  The cute little faces he makes.  I've never worked so hard in my life (taking care of a baby is much harder than I thought!), but I can't even put into words how much it is worth it.  I know I will want another child just as much as I wanted Henry.

Let's Talk about Charting

Lately I've been in contact with several readers (you can email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) who are just in the beginning stages of infertility testing/treatment so I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about charting.  Only you can know if and when you are ready to chart, and it is never too early or too late!  Some women don't begin to chart until they are doing medicated cycles while other women start charting from their very first cycle of trying (or before they even start trying!).

Negatives of charting:  (big fan of charting so I could only come up with two)
-Having to take temperature at the same time of day...every day.
-Might cause increase in stress by knowing exactly what is going on in your cycle (Example:  My temp hasn't risen...why haven't I ovulated yet??!!)

Positives of charting:
-Knowing exactly what is going on in your cycle (Ex:  I ovulated on day 18...and I'm 10 dpo)
-Timing intercourse (once you have charted for a few cycles...you might see that your timing has been off or not ideal)
-You may discover something isn't right (I actually figured out and RE agreed that I had a luteal phase defect and lower than average temps during my lp which led to my RE prescribing progesterone supps even with a normal progesterone number at 7dpo)
-Warning- As hard as it is to see that temp dive the day you start your period, it is much easier to deal with it by yourself at home than starting your period at work with no warning.
-You will become more aware of fertile signs and will probably see a pattern

How do you start?
-Buy a digital basal body thermometer (you will find next to opks and pregnancy tests in most drug stores)
-Take your temp every morning at approx the same time before you get out of bed or do anything (can take it in mouth or vaginally for more accuracy but take it the same way every time)
-Write down your temp
-There are charts online that you can download and fill out yourself but the easiest I have found by far is fertilityfriend.com.  If you don't have anyone to refer you and you can't get the free membership, just buy the vip because it doesn't cost that much.  (fertilityfriend has not contacted me...this is just my opinion from using their service for years)
-There are apps for droid and iphones as well (I'm using one right now called My Days)

Learn about other fertility signs:
-Some women are not comfortable checking cervical mucus and their cervix position....if you just can't bring yourself to do this, then just use opks and temps (side note:  I do think that it is important for you to know your body best so it would be my advice to try to get over it)
-Here is what you are looking for with cervical mucus:  (most likely in this order) creamy (not fertile), wet (it will be very thin/watery--fertile), egg white (VERY fertile--see below), creamy or none (not fertile...2ww)

Egg White Cervical Mucus (aka EWCM)- can be confused with leftover semen.  Here is how you tell the difference--you will be able to stretch EWCM from thumb to pointer finger.  EWCM is also going to be very clear while semen might seem a little more cloudy or yellow.  I realize that this is gross talk...sorry!  I find that for me that when I see EWCM that I'm about to ovulate and usually the day after ovulation it is gone.

-I wouldn't base not getting together on cervical mucus as it isn't as reliable as a three day temperature rise

-Here is what you are looking for from your cervix:  This takes some time to learn, but you will be able to tell a difference once you feel fertile vs not fertile.  Low, hard, and closed is NOT fertile.  The cervix will feel similar to the tip of your nose.  High, soft, and open is VERY fertile and that is what you are looking for!  You might not even be able to reach your cervix and if you do it will feel similar to the inside of your cheek and cushiony (I realize that is an interesting description lol).

OPKs- I have a favorite brand of these because I was always able to see a darkening pattern before a positive, and they are cheap.  They are the Answer daily ovulation tracker (20 bucksish for 20 tests--can't beat that).  They say to only use them for one cycle, but I had no problem using them for multiple cycles.  (Again this is just my opinion and haven't been compensated from company).  The best time to take an opk is in the afternoon/evening...apparently 2 pm is the exact best time, but please don't stress yourself out just try to to do it the same time every day.  I would always take my opks when I got home from work around 6pm (only problem with that was having to hold pee sometimes!!).  If you are a nerd like me, you will throw away the tests that have a super light line but once it starts to get darker, you will label the test with what cycle day it is and keep it on the counter to compare to the test the next day.  Most women ovulate anywhere from 12 to 48 hours from their LH surge (positive opk).  The average (just fyi) is 36 hours, but if you are testing in the early afternoon every day you might even get 48 hours notice.

Timing Intercourse- If you have a dr telling you what to do, then obviously go with that!  But we always would get together every other day starting from about five days away from the earliest ovulation date I ever had (cd 17?) and once I got the positive opk...we would get together that night and every day until we had two or three days of a temp rise.

Mark all of this info (temp, cervix position, cervical mucus, opks, intercourse timing) into your chart, and you will have a picture of what is going on with your cycle.  See below for an example...

This was one of my cycles on clomid back in 08.  I had 11 high temps which most docs would agree isn't enough...need at least 12 high temps but wanting 14.

Who should chart?  Well just about every women should chart at least for a few months so that she knows her own body.  But especially those who have been trying to conceive for more than six months or those who are having unmonitored meds (like clomid) cycles.  I have started charting again without the temps (although I do know my post ovulatory temp range so I'm still able to take it every so often to see if I'm pre or post o), and I will probably start temping soon.  We are obviously not trying as we call going to a RE as trying, but we are getting together without birth control.  By charting, I'm just learning what my body is doing these days and trying to make sure that we get together around my "fertile" time (again using that term loosely).  I'm not driving Shaun or myself crazy with this for now...yay and he gets to stay blissfully unaware if when I'm "fertile" and when I'm not.  And just in case anyone is curious, my last cycle was 40 days (wow that is great for me), and it looks like this cycle might be a 37 day cycle (wow!!!!).  I guess surgery and pregnancy is good for endometriosis (at least temporarily).  

Do you chart?  Have you ever charted?  What do you hate/like about charting?  Do you have any questions or did you learn anything?!

Crazy TTC Dreams

I was conversing with a reader through email yesterday (prayingforalittleone@gmail.com), and she asked me if I ever had crazy dreams while trying to conceive.  Oh boy did I ever!!  I always had them more often during the two week wait probably because that was by far the hardest part of a cycle for me.  I actually had a reoccurring dream that every time I went into a store the song by Ace of Base "All That She Wants" would start playing.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this classic song, the chorus goes "All that she wants is another baby...ohohohoh."  Another dream that I had during my friend's ivf cycle was that I was in charge of "babysitting" her embryos.  I was freaking out because I had no lab experience lol...it was a very stressful dream.  I also had a dream one time that they told me my fsh was like fifty something, and I was actually relieved in my dream for a few minutes because it meant I could stop treatments (this was probably a dream in the middle of a clomid hot flash).  Anyways now that I've made myself sound completely crazy (as if I haven't already on this blog!)...it is your turn!  What crazy ttc dreams have you had?

Better Than a Hallelujah

Several new posts below as I'm finally catching up on blogging...


A few weeks back I got the sweetest text message from my friend Laura who said that she thought of me when she heard the new song by Amy Grant "Better Than a Hallelujah," and she thanked me for making her sensitive to those who are struggling with infertility.  I actually had not heard the song yet when I got her text message but heard it on the radio not long after I got her message, and I immediately started crying when I heard the song.  These lyrics are so true.  How many times in the midst of infertility did I find myself unable to even find the words to pray?  God hears our heart.  Even recently, I've been walking with a friend through a very difficult time and find myself not having words when praying on her behalf.  God knows our needs. He just wants us to come to Him.

Lyrics and youtube video below...

Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby 
In a mothers tears in the dead of night 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 
God loves the drunkards cry, 
The soldiers plea not to let him die 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 

We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah. 

The woman holding on for life, 
The dying man giving up the fight 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes 
The tears of shame for what's been done, 
The silence when the words won't come 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 

Better than a church bell ringing, 
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3AmhFXckSc&feature=fvw

Perfect Timing.

It wasn't until I retold my journey through infertility at the May support group meeting that I finally got something that I've known all along, but I have never truly processed.

Leaving my surgery, August 11, 2008...my mom told me that my Aunt had the same surgery and had my cousin Hannah almost a year to the day of the surgery.  I think I actually rolled my eyes in the backseat and uttered a "yeah right" to myself.

Based on the day of conception of Henry (our fourth IUI)--definitely ovulated that day because I felt it, our due date was EXACTLY one year to the DAY of my surgery...August 11, 2009.

In order for that to happen, God had to perfectly time my ovulation to that ONE out of 365 24 hour period.

Which also had to time out to be 10 days before Thanksgiving Day (God knows I'm an early tester) so that I could find out I was pregnant on a holiday like I always dreamed (He hears even our small dreams)

 And then He timed Henry's birth to be August 7, 2009.  7 lbs 7 ounces at 7:04 PM (5 minutes earlier, and it wouldn't have been 7...one or two days later and Henry would have weighed more).  7 is the number of completion.

And on the day, He made a hard, difficult journey into a beautiful birth story.

God's timing is always perfect...oh how often I need to be reminded of this.

Praying for a Little One- for Anonymous

For the month of June, we are going to do something a little different around here.  We will continue to pray for Becky, Lisa, and Loren, but this month I want to pray for the women (who may read this blog without commenting) that struggle alone with infertility. This was put on my heart in two different ways this month.  The first way was while holding hands praying with amazing women at our local support group.  Surrounded by such a strong strength and bond with these women made me feel called to pray for women who for whatever reason might not have such support.  It could be that she doesn't feel comfortable attending a support group or that she hasn't even told anyone about their struggles.  Infertility can be such a silent struggle.  You might be one of these women.  Your husband might have asked you not to say a word to anyone, or it hurts too much to even talk about it.  The second way this was put on my heart was when I asked a former anonymous commenter that I correspond with through email (email me anytime at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) to be this month's praying for a little one.  We prayed for her previously through this blog so she felt selfish (although she shouldn't :) ) to take the spot.  She mentioned how the post to the Girl in the Purple Shirt that I posted originally spoke to her and she asked if we could pray for others like her who aren't talking to anyone in "real life."  Looking back at that post, I realized that I never even posted it over here (posted on forthislittleone) so here it is below...followed by a prayer for those of you who remain anonymous.

Dear Girl in the Purple Shirt at Wal-Mart,
You don't know me, but I couldn't help but overhear your phone conversation today with your mom.  I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you said estrogen really loud and words like that get my attention.  A progesterone level of 14 isn't the best, but it isn't nearly as bad as your gyn nurse made you think.  I don't know why they wanted it to be at least 18...pretty sure 16 was the "great" ovulatory number just last year.  I would be surprised if your dr already wants to up your dosage just based on that progesterone number.  I really wanted to say something to you, but you made absolutely no eye contact with me, and I don't blame you.  I was just another young "fertile" mom to you with a sweet baby asleep in my cart, and you were in too much pain to look.  I even heard you complain to your mom about how walmart has now changed their layout so that you have to walk right through the baby section to get anywhere.  I remember all too well avoiding "that" corner of walmart, and I really do understand why walking by something as simple as formula and baby food causes a lump in your throat on a bad day.  It was like baby was everywhere in the store (including this really adorable baby girl with a sheep coat on), and I felt terrible that I was part of causing you pain.  I really hope your miracle is coming soon and that one day you will be able to do something as simple as grocery shopping without feeling the pain.  I've been there, and I know how infertility follows you throughout your day. 
Love,
A Fellow Infertile Wal-Mart Shopper


Lord, we are coming together now asking for you to wrap your comforting arms around those who are hurting too deeply to speak or to seek out support.  You know their names.  You know the plans you have for them, and we rest in knowing that in Your time...You will provide.  Give them peace that surpasses all understanding and give them the strength to reach out to others if that is what they need right now.  We also pray protection over their heart when hurtful words or medical facts come their way.  We love you, and we thank you that we can come to you with all of our burdens...big and small.  Amen.           

Product Review: First Response Fertility Test

I saw the commercial for First Response Fertility Tests probably close to a year ago now and even though I was completely annoyed at how the commercials seemed to associate infertility with age, the POAS-aholic in me couldn't resist.  So when I started my first cycle after Henry this past week, I made a trip to Wa.lmart (who has the best price at 20 bucks for 2, also there is a coupon for 2 bucks off on the FR website) to purchase the test.  The night before cycle day 3, I set out the box in front of the toilet with my pee cup (yes I still have a special pee cup in my bathroom cabinet) so that I wouldn't forget since the test instructions say that you have to use first morning urine on cycle day 3 (and no telling how long it will take for me to get another cycle since my cycles are forever long!!).  Woke up on cycle day 3 to my old pee cup friend and took the test, but I wasn't too nervous waiting for the results since I already knew that I have an elevated fsh (around 10) for my age.  According to the directions, after a wait time of 30 minutes if the line is lighter than the control line or not there at all, then you have a "normal" fsh.  Well my line was not as dark as the control line and that left me a little confused.  After all, it has been almost two years since I had my fsh tested so my egg supply couldn't have gotten better over the years.  I found myself staring at the lines over and over just like I previously stared at opks and pregnancy tests, and there was lots of googling and even calling the company.  Through my google search, I found that most fsh urine tests have a sensitivity of 25 mIU/ml.  Based on what I've read about fsh in the past, 25 is basically game over for using your own eggs because most REs won't try with those numbers.  Since I was told by several customer representatives that the sensitivity of their fertility test was "proprietary information" (although they have no problem publishing the sensitivity of their pregnancy tests and opks), I can't help but assume that it is the same sensitivity as other fsh urine tests used in medical offices (think the urine tests are typically just used to screen for menopause).  I have a huge problem with this because even though some women with an extremely high fsh level might take the test and get a positive and immediately go to a dr to get tested.  Other women might see that their line was kinda dark but not dark enough and assume that their egg supply or quality has nothing to do with their fertility problems.  This helpful link explains fsh and a chart for typical lab values and corresponding success with fertility treatments.  Take a look at a fsh of 15 for instance with less of a response to stimulation and a lower embryo quality...if the sensitivity of the FR test is what I assume (and again no way to know since the company won't say), a woman with a 15 fsh would have tested negative.  The really annoying customer service rep guy that I talked to kept saying that my results meant that I had an "adequate ovarian reserve."  I really wanted to start laughing at him when he tried to explain fsh to me, but I decided to give the poor guy a break.  


So in my opinion should you buy this test and try it?  Not unless you feel like paying twenty bucks to pee on a stick that isn't going to give you a definitive answer (unless your fsh is sky high...and not sure you would want to find out that from peeing on a stick).  My advice...get your RE or your GYN to run your cycle day 3 FSH number and know the exact number.


And remember...be your own advocate!


Okay here is a pic of my stick taken from my cell phone so it is poor quality and the line looked darker in person.

  

A Miracle.

Continue your prayers for sweet Becky and her husband this month.  Their story is below.

I want all of you who feel that you are in a good enough place right now to go read the birth story over at Making Lemonade.  Miracles happen every day.  This baby (Chase) was covered in prayer before he was even conceived, and his story is a sweet testament of God's faithfulness.  

Warning--don't read this at work because you will cry.

Praying for a Little One--for Becky

Please join me in prayer for Becky this month (April-May) and let her know if you prayed for her in the comments section. I know she will be encouraged by all of your prayers, and I know all of you will be blessed by her story.  I don't need lots of comments on my other posts (haven't been getting a lot lately....are ya'll still out there??), but I do expect my readers to come out of hiding or google reader (I'm guilty too!) to comment on these praying for a little one posts as I know it would be very encouraging to Becky.

Becky and her husband, John, started trying a little over a year into their marriage.  They didn't immediately go for testing since there was some time that they were apart due to both being in the military.  Their initial testing did find one problem, but their doctor didn't explain the severity of the issue.  A simple google search left Becky staring at the screen in disbelief that it appeared IVF was the only option for them to conceive.  (Becky has not discussed the details of their diagnosis on her blog for privacy reasons).  Their first IVF attempt did result in a precious little life, but sadly Becky's pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  Becky and John believed this sweet baby was a girl and named her Johannah Elise.  During their second IVF attempt, Becky was given some very distressing news from her embryologist that was noticed during their first IVF.  After receiving the news that IVF #2 was negative, Becky and her husband felt that God gave them a clear no and took time to mourn the loss of a biological child.  As Becky explains in this post, "There are very real losses that must be dealt with and accepted before you can move forward with adoption with an open heart. What I realized is that for me the pain of seeing a pregnant women was less about the experience of pregnancy and more about the child that would come. I want to be a parent more than I want to be pregnant."                 Becky and John felt called to adopt from South Korea through a designated adoption opportunity that came to them but eventually fell through.  Even though it was very disappointing, Becky and her husband are glad that the opportunity led them to South Korea adoptions as they definitely feel that they are supposed to adopt from South Korea.  Recently, Becky and John received their welcome packet from the Korea program so they are now officially waiting!!!!!  The current wait for a referral is six to nine months and the wait for traveling over to Korea is taking about 6-8 months so Becky and John's little one will most likely spend his or her first birthday in Korea.  Something very exciting is that because a baby has to be up for adoption for Korean citizens for the first five months and an average referral time is about six months, Becky and John's baby could be born any day or just recently born!  Becky is beginning to hope and let herself dream (you can read more about that here).  Becky and John will most likely have a boy because boys are less likely to be adopted domestically in Korea, and Becky is dreaming of an airplane themed nursery since they will be stationed next to an Air Force for their next assignment.  Too cute!!  And a little boy's dream to get to watch all of those planes and jets!  They are also talking about names but will wait to finalize as they would like to use their little one's Korean name as their middle name.

Specific Prayer Requests:

-I-600A be processed in a timely manner with no issues
-For the Lord to show Becky how she should be using this waiting time to prepare for motherhood and to continue to serve Him
-For peace and patience as they wait
-For healing for their child who may be born any day now and his/her birthmother as they both experience a profound loss
-For healing for Becky over the pain of infertility and pregnancy loss
-For the Lord to unite us with the child He has for our family

Becky- I'm so excited for you and John, and I can't wait to "meet" your little one.  Thank you so much for sharing your journey so we can all learn about adoption and for the blessing of watching God answer our prayers.

My Gyn Appt Today

I was feeling pretty anxious when I pulled into the clinic's parking lot.  I have nothing but great memories of my time at this particular clinic because it is a brand new building that opened at the end of my pregnancy, but I just know from past experiences how quickly that can change.  Once I sat down in the waiting room with Henry in his stroller, I heard a girl behind me talking to her husband.  I was holding back the tears because I could hear her sniffling big time, and I just knew she just found out she had a miscarriage.  I sat there rubbing Henry's leg just so grateful  that he was there with me...healthy and safe.  I guess I need to stop making up a story for everyone in the waiting room because we got called back to the lab at the same time, and she just had bad allergies ;).  But it showed me just how emotional going back to the gyn is for me.  Long story short...I'm not pregnant (yes my dr insisted that I should be tested since we don't use protection), but I do have a cyst (small one on my right side).  My pain is still more to the left even though the right was tender during the exam.  My dr and I both think the pain is related to my endometriosis and since I'm not willing to get on any bc pills, there isn't much he can do.  I did crack myself up at one point...when I got back from the u/s room, my dr said he still wasn't ruling out an early pregnancy (because they didn't have the test back for the lab yet), and I replied "why?  my lining was only a 6."  He laughed...looked down at the paper and agreed..."yeah that is pretty thin."  I could tell he was pretty surprised that I knew what I was looking at on the ultrasound screen.  So how do I feel about everything?  I'm fine.  I know that endo is going to be a part of the rest of my life, and I can deal with pain.  I'm just glad it wasn't anything else!  I go back in six weeks to see how I'm doing.

What if...

Going through infertility one of the hardest parts for me (and still hard) is the what ifs.  My "what ifs" have changed at different times during our journey..."what if there is something wrong with me and I can't get pregnant"  "what if clomid doesn't work?"  "what if we do this exploratory surgery and he finds nothing." "what if I can't find the strength to do any more treatments?"  "what if I lose another baby?"  "what if the tiny sweet baby clothes that I packed up in a box yesterday never needs to be re-opened?" "what if it is going to be many years before I get to do this again?"

Melissa at Stirrup Queens has a special project that she is working with Resolve on called Project IF to participate all that you need to do is leave a comment stating one or more of your what ifs in regards to infertility.    I encourage all of you to follow this link to read the what ifs...if you are currently going through infertility, you will leave feeling encouraged that so many other women share your doubts and fears...and if you have never been through infertility, you will leave with a greater understanding of the toll of infertility and how you might be able to comfort someone going through it.  If you do leave a comment, please leave it here also.

I have a cyst.

I know this feeling all to well.  I have that achy, crampy, swollen feeling around my left ovary.  And sorry tmi...but it hurts when Shaun and I get together (in the last week or so).  Hmmm....not really sure what I should do about it because I don't want to take birth control pills to shrink it (won't take another one of those unless it is part of an ivf cycle) and a lap surgery right now is pretty much out of the question (unless of course medically necessary).  I guess it could also be my endo growing back.  Whatever it is...it is bothering me.  Haven't started my cycle back yet so I have no idea what is going on in there!  Advice?

I heart being a VW.

Another post below on my vitamin d levels....finally getting to catch up on some blogging.


What is a VW you might ask?  About a year ago, my close friend started trying to conceive her second child.  Since she knew that I knew way too much about ovulation and how to get pregnant, we talked a lot about "exciting" and tmi things like discharge and timing.  Her husband would overhear our conversations and couldn't believe what he was hearing.  He nicknamed me the vagina whisperer and my friend and I thought it was hilarious so she started calling me her VW.  The name has stuck and several of my IRL friends call me their VW (and one calls me her Fertility Life Coach).  I love being able to encourage other women through the trying to conceive process and then to eventually see them through their pregnancy and delivery (haven't had a friend yet to adopt but I would love the opportunity to walk that journey as well).  When my friend was on the way to the hospital with strong contractions, she called me to let me know they were on their way, and I heard her husband say, "are you calling your VW?"  Too cute :)

Through this blog, I've also had the opportunity to encourage and pray for women that I've never even had the pleasure of meeting.  I get emails like "did you have cramping after your IUIs?"... "positive ovulation test tonight...please pray" to the happiest email I've received yet "I'm excited to tell you that I'm pregnant...just took a test a hour ago and my husband isn't here so I haven't even gotten to tell him yet."  Do you need someone to stalk your fertility friend chart, pray for you, encourage you through a tough time??  I would love to be your VW or Fertility Life Coach or just plain old Courtney.  You can always email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com.

DISCLAIMER--not a doctor, and I do not give medical advice!  Just encouragement from experiences I've been through so please don't sue me :)