The "Perfect Cycle"....

unfortunately ended with a big fat no. I kept getting faint positives on my fav brand of pregnancy tests (first response) even 14 days after the hcg trigger shot so my RE's nurses wanted me to come in for b/w on Friday. I was freakishly calm up until the point that I walked out of the office doors and left my blood behind. All of a sudden it hit me that I had made a huge mistake. I thought I was going to be strong, but I lost it. I was overwhelmed with fear of hearing the nurse say those dreaded words and especially the day before the baby shower at my house. Well two hours later, I heard those dreaded words and once again I lost it (hcg was only 1.9). I met Shaun for lunch, but I was too emotional to go inside to eat so we drove my car over to Arby's and sat in the parking lot. I told him that I wanted to quit (which I knew wasn't true the moment it came out of my mouth), and he assured me that he was not going to let me give up because he knows how much we both want a baby. Somehow I was able to finish the rest of my work day, and then I had to go over to wal-mart and other stores to get all of my baby shower supplies. It was a pitiful sight. I'm sure I looked like a sad little lost puppy as I wondered the aisles of the baby section. I bought little hats, onesies, booties, pacifiers...all in our green and brown color scheme for my fireplace mantle clothes line (turned out really cute by the way). Late that night...I finished all of the decorations, and I actually had a good night's sleep. I think I had a lot of IF buddies praying for me this morning because I woke up with such a peace about the shower, and I had a wonderful time rejoicing with my friend. Thank you for all of your prayers and support...I'm truly blessed to know all of you even if I only know some of you through the blogger world.

A Tough Day

In this infertility journey, I have good days (ex: finding out I have a big follicle), normal days (ex: constantly thinking about ttc), bad days (ex: when my friend thought I should be the first person she should call to tell me that she is pregnant and that she is NOT happy about it--by the way she knows my story), and tough days (ex: when I feel like I'm going crazy and I've hit rock bottom). Today was a tough day. I'm 10dpo today, and I woke up this morning hoping for a positive pregnancy test. Well they were both bfns so I just got back in bed. I could not get out of bed to go to work. I finally made myself get up, and I looked at the tests (past the time limit of course) and they were both positive. My guess is that there is still some lingering pregnancy hormone from my hcg trigger shot, which caused the tests to turn positive after the time limit. I really think the main reason why I was crazy upset is these progesterone supps that I am taking. They are making me feel extremely tired and emotional. I must remind myself that God is faithful and that He has amazing plans for us.

POAS Experiment

So the plan for this morning was to take a test to make sure that the hcg from my trigger was out of my system. I'm 9dpIUI today and 11 days post trigger so I thought it would be gone by now. Well the pregnancy test turned positive so I guess I still have some of the shot left! It sure was fun to see two lines, but I know it is most likely from the meds so I can't get too excited yet. I am going to test tomorrow morning to see if the line shows up darker and faster....please, please, please. This is when the 2ww gets really intense. My heart is going to be beating so fast tomorrow morning. But for now...I am going to get on the couch and stay there for the rest of the night. The progesterone supps are making me extremely tired so I need some couch time. yawn.

Praying for my little one

7dpIUI (seven days past IUI)...today would most likely be the day that if God decided to give us a baby this month that our sweet little one would be implanting in my womb. This is also always the point in every cycle when I start to feel pregnant, and I walk around as if I'm a 9 month pregnant woman in such a tender state. Believe me...I have the waddle down; I smell things that Shaun can't even smell; I crave Mexican food and hamburgers; I marvel at how big my boobs get in just a couple days; I cry at the most ridiculous things on television. I also find myself praying for my little one just in case I am pregnant. I don't want to miss out on precious time praying for my baby. I place my hand on my lower belly and pray that God will protect our baby and keep it safe. I also love my good friend B's prayer..Please God be knitting away in my womb. Another prayer I started praying recently is for God to "open my womb" as He did for all of the many women who dealt with infertility in the Bible.

On a completely different topic...
I love going to church, but today was hard. We sat down and within the first five minutes, I wanted to cry. We see a very sweet lady that has been praying for me (which I appreciate so much), but she asked me in front of at least three people if I had any news. Ummm no I don't. And don't you think everyone around us knows what you are talking about? Then a couple sat down next to us and the husband made a joke about sitting next to the "sensitive" girl. I tried to laugh it off.."oh yeah I cry a lot, and I will probably be crying again today." Did it ever occur to him that there might be a reason for my tears?

Progesterone Results....

35!!!! YAY!! I felt ovulation pain on my right side after my IUI even though my big follicle was on my left so I guess it is possible that I released two eggs. Now if I can just get through this next week...

A Baby Shower

I'm having a baby shower at my house...what was she thinking you might ask? Well honestly when I agreed to do the shower with my friends, I thought to myself..."oh I will be pregnant by then..." So now here I am a little over a week from the baby shower, and a little over a week from finding out if I am pregnant or not. I am incredibly happy for my friend. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and she completely appreciates the gift and miracle that God has given her. But my house is about to start looking like a mini-babies-r-us, and I don't know how I am going to take it. Seriously..what was I thinking? So now here is my dilemma...do I test before the shower (as in a couple days before) or do I have to wait until after the shower? Should I really have to delay my POAS plans because of a baby shower? I seriously think I won't be able to wait. I've tested on mother's day before and gone to church after seeing the bfn so surely I can throw a baby shower at my house after a bfn. Remember that I will be on progesterone supps so I won't start my period on my own. Those of you who know me...know that this conversation is pointless because you know I'm going to test..I can't help myself. But I would still love to hear what all of you think!

If My Shower Could Talk

The moment I step into our shower and close the door, a non-stop flow of ttc thoughts begins, and it doesn't stop until I exit the shower. It must be because it is one of the few times during the day that I am actually by myself with no distractions. My shower thoughts range from being hopeful to being just plain angry. Sometimes I feel that I can make others or myself think I am handling this well, but my shower knows the truth. So if my shower could talk....
Courtney first stepped into my shower almost a year ago at the end of June 07. At the time, she was dealing with questions about what could possibly be wrong with her body and when will Shaun ever want to start seeking treatment. About two weeks later, Courtney had her best shower after she saw two lines on a hpt. The weeks that followed were pure joy as she thought and dreamed about her baby, and she spent the rest of the time praying for God's protection over their baby. The worst day was September 25, 2007 as she took a shower to get ready to leave the hospital for her D&C. Courtney actually scared me and herself at how angry she was for weeks. There were days when she just cried for the entire shower. Then she started to think about getting pregnant again. She thought that if she could just get pregnant right away, then all of her pain would go away. Well unfortunately that didn't happen, and she is a mess most of the time. She struggles with her faith...she is jealous of her pregnant friends who have it so easy...she thinks constantly of her infertile friends...she is angry with herself for being at this place at her age....and she feels crazy because it is all she can think about...But then there are showers (but not very often), when her hopes are lifted, there are no tears, she takes her heavy burden to God, and she dreams about the good days that must be ahead for her and for all of her infertile friends.

Thank goodness my shower doesn't talk. Many of you have commented about my strength and my faith through all of this, and I just wanted all of you to know the truth...I am just as doubtful, hopeless, and weak as you feel you are.

Update for yesterday's blog: #10 and #14...check.

Oh the 2ww

Oh how I hate the two week wait. It is by far the worst part of ttc for me and probably for most of you so I have come up with a list of 20 Things to Do During the 2ww. My list is all about relaxation and pampering...don't you think we deserve it?? I am going to try to accomplish all 20 in the next 2ww, and I challenge all of you 2 week waiters to do the same!

20 Things to do during the 2ww:

1. Go to a good chick flick with some friends or DH
2. Get a pedicure
3. Read a book that has nothing to do with ttc
4. Start a 2ww grateful journal to write positive thoughts
5. Plant pretty flowers
6. Go stock up on HPTs
7. Spend some time in a bookstore with a good drink and some fun magazines
8. Buy a new cd you've been wanting and cruise around town with some good tunes
9. Take a nap
10. FD with DH :)
11. Take a warm bath with candles to relax
12. If it is a warm day, spend some time sitting outside in the sun.
13. Get a massage from a professional or DH
14. Rent a movie on a weekday night with DH and pick up popcorn and fun snacks
15. Take a walk with DH, a good friend, or by yourself
16. Go to a hobby store and find a craft project
17. Get some flowers for yourself to put in your house or office
18. Go shopping
19. Play a board game or cards with friends
20. Pray!

Go Spermies Go!!

Well our IUI went well this morning! Shaun broke a clinic record with his 130 million spermies after wash (just kidding about the clinic record part) so we are obviously very happy with that count. The speculum was the worst part, but the rest was painless. I was squeezing Shaun's hand so hard during the speculum part...she had some trouble getting it right. The nurse had me stay on the table for fifteen minutes afterwards, and the time went by fast because Shaun was making me laugh. I asked him..."where was that sense of humor before the IUI when I was so nervous??!! " Shaun even decided to take some pictures of me. I guess it will be good for the baby's book if we get pregnant ("and here we are as we conceived you on this table..")..just kidding!! Dr. H even stopped by in his Sunday best to check on us. He said he didn't want to get our hopes up because the pregnancy rate isn't that high with this treatment, but that this cycle could not have gone any better (too late..hopes are already up..see post below). He called it "a perfect cycle"...wow that is a first!! I thought it was really sweet of him to come see us. Okay so here comes the 2ww!! PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!

Dr. Shaun

Last night was sooooo funny. 10:00 rolled around, and you could feel the tension in the air. We both knew it was time. Now we've known since we've been going to a RE that this was part of the plan, but Shaun has always acted like giving me a shot would be "no big deal." So it cracked me up to see Dr. Shaun as we were mixing the shot because I could tell he was getting nervous. I was fine at that point, but when it was time for me to bend over...I started to freak out, and I broke out into a cold sweat. Seeing Dr. Shaun with that loaded syringe was pretty scary. I moved my butt really fast away from him and told him..."I can't do this!!" Dr. Shaun told me that we were going to do this and that I was not even going to slightly move. I listened to my doctor and stuck my butt out like a ttc pro. "Are you going to tell me when you are going to do it..I need to know??" "No! I will give you a 10 second window starting now." So I started counting in my head... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,10andahalf,10and3/4,whatistakinghimsolong and then I felt it...the tiniest amount of pain you could ever imagine. "did you do it..i didn't feel that hardly at all...are you sure is it in far enough, did you draw blood...are you putting the medicine in???"...I was full of questions. Dr. Shaun told me to please stop talking because he was concentrating. So I let him finish and then I praised him for his expert shot giving skills. And like all true poas addicts...I woke up this morning to a blaring bfp (on an opk of course...wasn't going to waste a hpt). I just wanted to confirm that the hcg was in my body and working properly. We can only hope that in two weeks from now that I will get to see a second line again .

Oh Happy Day

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. Today was my first mid-cycle follicle ultrasound for this cycle, and I just knew I was going to get more bad news. The past couple of days I felt all of these weird twingy pains especially on my left ovary, and I already prepared myself to be expecting a massive cyst. I even tried to bet Shaun on how big it was this morning, but Mr. Optimistic wouldn't take the bet... "I think it is a really big follicle." Well I was very happy to be proven wrong. My ultrasound tech started out on the right ovary, (there is a flat panel screen in front of me so I can see the whole thing--possibly one of my fav things about my re's office) and there were tiny little follicles, and I was thinking "ha I knew it..my stinkin ovaries." Then she went over to the left side and she said "Oh we have a big one!." And there it was...it was beautiful..this perfect huge round black circle covering up most of my ovary..measuring in at 22mm. I had a list of about ten questions about my high fsh results, but I didn't ask a single question because I was too busy talking to Dr. H about the hcg shot and the iui. My dr is not very animated at all so I was taken back when he got to my door and did this little happy "YAY" with his hands in the air. It was quick, but it meant a lot. I met Shaun for lunch, and I told him all about my appointment, but of course I finished with the infertility disclaimer..."but I'm not getting my hopes up." And he said something to me that really made me think: What is it with everyone always saying 'don't get your hopes up'?? Your hopes should always be up because your hope is in the Lord because you know He will provide. The only question is how and when He is going to provide. So true! So let it be known...my hopes are up!

Quote of the Day

Courtney: That's okay honey..i understand why you can't take off for our dr appt on friday...if I get more bad news, I will be okay..don't worry... I won't try to run my car into something

Shaun: (completely serious)....More bad news...how could it get any worse?

Courtney: (laughing hysterically) well...that's true.

FSH Results

Yesterday was a scary day. For the fist time in this journey, I actually find myself seriously questioning if we will be able to have biological children. It has been in the back of mind the past couple of months, but now it seems to be a actual possibility. My day 3 FSH level came back at 9.73...10 is considered a diminished ovarian reserve by my RE's lab. So there are two ways to look at this number...is the ovary half full or half empty??
ovary half full (a.k.a glass half full)-9.73 is still considered normal. you are young so you have that going for you as well.
ovary half empty (a.k.a glass half empty)- 9.73 might as well be 10. obviously at 24 years old...your numbers should not be anywhere close to 10. There is a problem with your egg quality.
Unfortunately, my re was on vacation this past week so I won't know what he thinks until later this week. My guess is he is either going to move us on to injections or an IVF cycle. I'm sure he will take the ovary hall full approach and will come up with a plan of action for us in the next couple of months.
Finally, I must say that I know that God has plans for us to have children and hopefully many. I rest in knowing that He is in control of my body. I know that the end of this story is going to be beautiful whether God gives us our babies through infertility treatments or adoption...I'm just scared of the heartache that we might have to experience to get there.

Two BFNs Too Many

This was my first cycle with my RE so I got to have mid-cycle follicle ultrasounds for the first time. I had great expectations for my follicles because I had a decent progesterone number (16.4) last cycle on 50mg of Clomid. Well at cd 10 they were 12 and 14mm on my right ovary. I went back at cd 12 expecting them to be at least 4mm bigger,and they were the same size. So my dr wanted me to come in just one more time at cd 15 to see if there was any growth...and there wasn't.RE told us to keep getting together because stranger things have happened, but he said he would be surprised if we got pregnant this cycle. Fast forward to cd 19-21...Shaun and I took a beach trip for the weekend, and we had a good time if you know what I mean. The monday after our trip I had my after o signs...dried up cm and sore ns so I took an opk, and it was positive. Ovulation on cd 21 was confirmed the next day by a temp rise. I called my RE's office to ask the nurse if I could take the prog supps just in case, and she said that it couldn't hurt to go ahead and take them. Now I will be the first to admit that I am a POAS (pee on a stick) addict. I can't help
but test early so I tested 11dpo and of course only saw one line. As much as I would have been absolutely shocked by a BFP, the Big Fat Negative was still so sad. I always hold my sticks up to the light just hoping for a glimmer of a second line. I can't wait for digital hpts to be as cheap and as sensitive as the regular two line hpts...that will save me a lot of time and squinting. Again at 14 dpo...just one line so I was able to stop the progesterone, which was the only good news. Every time I get a BFN now I have the urge to do what Tina Fey did in the movie Baby Mama. I haven't seen the movie yet, but fortunately this scene is in the trailer. Fast forward to about :30 secs in the trailer...link below. I love the digital test with the huge bright red "NO." I seriously wish these were available on the market. I love how she shakes it before she reads it like it is somehow going to change the result. But the best part is when she throws it across the bathroom. I think I am going to seriously start throwing all BFNs. I think it would make me feel better...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU34zV9A3gU&feature=related

Is It Worth It?

This was the question that my close friend asked me this week after I was describing the three times a day progesterone supplements that I was taking. I honestly think she thinks I'm a little crazy for doing all of this at my age. "Is it worth it Courtney??" I have to admit the question did take me back a little, and it made me question myself. My response, "I don't know...is it??" I spent the rest of the evening thinking "what am I doing?" "am I crazy for doing this at my age??" "is it worth it?" In the morning, I woke up emotional, but with a new confident reply to the question "Is it Worth it?"...response: yes.
It is worth it...to see that a miracle of God has taken place by seeing two lines on a HPT
It is worth it...to hear and see your baby's heartbeat and to fall in love with your tiny baby on an ultrasound screen just two weeks after you found out that you were pregnant.
It is worth it...to hear the words "it's a boy" or "it's a girl"
It is worth it...to feel your baby moving and kicking inside of you
It is worth it...to finally get to hold your baby in your arms
I could go on and on because there are a million reasons why it is worth it. I am 24 and infertile so I can either try to be treated now or wait for a couple years for me to even get more infertile. I'm doing it now, and I'm doing everything that I can because it is worth it.