The moment I step into our shower and close the door, a non-stop flow of ttc thoughts begins, and it doesn't stop until I exit the shower. It must be because it is one of the few times during the day that I am actually by myself with no distractions. My shower thoughts range from being hopeful to being just plain angry. Sometimes I feel that I can make others or myself think I am handling this well, but my shower knows the truth. So if my shower could talk....
Courtney first stepped into my shower almost a year ago at the end of June 07. At the time, she was dealing with questions about what could possibly be wrong with her body and when will Shaun ever want to start seeking treatment. About two weeks later, Courtney had her best shower after she saw two lines on a hpt. The weeks that followed were pure joy as she thought and dreamed about her baby, and she spent the rest of the time praying for God's protection over their baby. The worst day was September 25, 2007 as she took a shower to get ready to leave the hospital for her D&C. Courtney actually scared me and herself at how angry she was for weeks. There were days when she just cried for the entire shower. Then she started to think about getting pregnant again. She thought that if she could just get pregnant right away, then all of her pain would go away. Well unfortunately that didn't happen, and she is a mess most of the time. She struggles with her faith...she is jealous of her pregnant friends who have it so easy...she thinks constantly of her infertile friends...she is angry with herself for being at this place at her age....and she feels crazy because it is all she can think about...But then there are showers (but not very often), when her hopes are lifted, there are no tears, she takes her heavy burden to God, and she dreams about the good days that must be ahead for her and for all of her infertile friends.
Thank goodness my shower doesn't talk. Many of you have commented about my strength and my faith through all of this, and I just wanted all of you to know the truth...I am just as doubtful, hopeless, and weak as you feel you are.
Update for yesterday's blog: #10 and #14...check.
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7 comments:
Your post made me tear up. I hope your shower has lots to be happy about soon.
Gosh do i know the feeling! Only my emotions pour out in my "very much needed" Bubble Baths!!
Keep your head up!
i've been through those showers before..and i cry and i let the water pour down my face so that i don't really feel the tears..
I hope things go your way..I wrote a summary of how to stay sane on your 2ww on my blog..
sending you some sane-free hugs and thoughts...
xoxo
I admire your vulnerability in letting others know how you really feel. This is such an up and down journey we're on and what makes it worse is that we didn't ask to go on this trip. Hoping you get some happy shower time in less than 2w.
Yep, my shower heard me cry as recently as yesterday!
How's your 2WW going? I was thinking wouldn't it be wonderful if you could go straight from the IUI to a two week vacation??? That way we wouldn't have time to think those ugly/worrying thoughts!
Hang in there!
hey. thanks for the comments and suggestions. i'll ask about progesterone.
i have been doing temp charts for 9 months or so. unlike you, i don't actually have my temp decline when my spotting starts... maybe 1 day before i start the next cycle. and my spotting isn't consistent. one month it could start 11 days before my cycle starts, another month it might be 3 days. and they don't alternate consistently. the dr. mentioned something that it could be that i'm really sensitive to hormonal changes but they couldn't figure out why i'm spotting. it was more the default: it's either structural or hormonal; it wasn't structural so it must be... they didn't do a postcoital test. but i've heard mixed opinions about it's effectiveness. i can't remember if she mentioned it or not.
i love your post today. i hear you about going into the shower to escape, rejoice, etc. to relax i love taking a long bath with candles and reading a good book.
I'm crying here too. I too hope your shower is signing is great celebration with you very soon!
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