Baby Therapy

Today was my first day as a volunteer in the newborn nursery at a local hospital, and it was amazing. This all started at the beginning of the summer when I decided to call the hospital to see if they needed volunteers to hold babies and to my surprise...she said yes and that the orientation was later that night. A couple fingerprints, a background check, and a TB test later, I was cleared to become a volunteer. After getting my badge today, the volunteer coordinator showed me how to do the three minute scrub down. Then, I put on a long sleeve yellow robe with an open back, and she brought me into the nursery. Most of the babies were in the little plastic mini-cribs, but some were still in incubators. This nursery is where the babies from nicu are placed once they are well enough to leave the nicu, but they aren't well enough to go home yet. My first baby was a sweet black baby boy...precious. I rocked him for probably 30 minutes. He liked to keep one of his hands untucked from his swaddle so that he could make sure that his paci didn't fall out. And then a baby started crying so I put my first baby down, changed my gown, washed up again, and held a sweet black baby girl. She had a little heart monitor on her foot so I had to move my chair over to her station to hold her. She was funny because she wanted to check out who was holding her, but she was only willing to open one eye. I can't describe to you how blessed I feel to have the opportunity to hold these little miracles. I miss them already!

Disturbed

I just don't feel right....I don't know what it is?? I feel very anxious like something bad is going to happen. Maybe it is just the Provera doing crazy things to me. I hate this feeling. I'm pretty sure it is the Provera so don't worry. On a much lighter note, I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed Shaun's comment from the other night. I was hoping it wasn't one of those.."youhadtobethere" moments.

Quote of the Day

Shaun and Courtney are watching a reality show on a relaxing Friday night.
Announcer: "They lived in a small town with a population of 1700"
Shaun: (not really watching) What??? Oh!! I thought she said ovulation
Courtney: (laughs out loud and thinks to herself..what have I done to my poor husband?)

Interesting Week

Monday--came down with an awful cold
Monday evening--girl ran into the back of my car, and the stinkin girl left the scene of the accident (hit and run)
Tuesday--8:00AM with the insurance adjuster
really felt sick...bad cold
Wednesday--actually feeling a lot better today, had tons of EWCM so I decided to take a opk for fun (yes I know this is sad), and it was positive on cd 25. So now my body wants to ovulate (sorry body...you are just a little too late)

at least I had a nice weekend...see Saturday's post

I'm NOT over it

I sometimes like to think that I'm "over it"..the whole pregnancy thing, but who am I kidding. I went to a chick flick on Friday night with my about-to-pop friend, Jessica (the really sweet one that I threw the shower for). After the movie, the entire theater of women of course went straight to the bathroom. I happened to be in front of her in line, and when a stall became available I started to head for it and then realized that I was being really rude.
"oh sorry jessica, you go ahead."
"oh no, you go...i just went..."
I proceed to the restroom
"But I have to go again!!"
Immediate burst of knowing laughs (way louder then probably anyone laughed in the entire movie)
For some reason I wanted to sit on the toilet and cry. I want to know what it feels like to carry a baby. I want to be able to burst into "knowing" laughter. I'm not "over it", but my desire to be a mother is much, much stronger than my desire to experience the "joys" of pregnancy. Lord turn these empty arms into open arms..ready to receive the miracle you have in store for us.

Finally

I heart wine.

Courtney for Dummies

While celebrating my TAB cycle with Shaun in B&N with a delicious Cafe Mocha from Starbucks in hand, I wandered (of course) into the women's health section. I picked up a few books about infertility to read including a book called "Endometriosis for Dummies." I started out reading "A Few Good Eggs", which was very funny, but Dr. Court was dying to get into the medical information so I put the entertaining book down and got back to business with my endo book. By page 10, I was hooked...it was quite a page turner because it was describing me...exactly me...the book title might as well have been "Courtney for Dummies." All of my crazy infertility symptoms...they can all be explained by this disease. Let me just list a few:
Luteal Phase Defect
Problems with Follicular Development
Ovulatory Dysfunction
Destruction of Ovarian Tissue (which would in turn cause a higher fsh)
Bowel problems (sorry TMI)
Extremely painful cramps
Miscarriage
Hypogycemia (low blood sugar)
I honestly could not even believe every single symptom was in this book. I of course bought the book, and I pretty much hugged the book all the way home. It felt so good to know that we might be getting close to at least finally having some answers. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I can't wait for my surgery!

Not This Cycle

My ultrasound today confirmed that this cycle is a no-try cycle. My follicles were still itty bitty, and my lining was so thin the ultrasound tech had a hard time finding anything to measure. So on to surgery next month! I think I'm actually going to enjoy a break. It will be nice not to feel like a crazy person on prog supps and not to have to wonder.."am I pregnant?" Bring on the coffee and wine and anything else pregnant people aren't supposed to drink or eat!

Google Me

Top Five Best Google Search Engine Queries to this blog:
5. "things to do during 2ww" and "how to pamper yourself 2ww"--I know...the 2ww sucks doesn't it??
4. "im having a tuff time getting pregnant"-I feel ya honey!
3. "warm bath after iui"- Ummmm...not a good idea.
2. "progesterone supps foamy pee"- I've had a lot of symptoms on the prog supps, but not that one!! Could just be some of the supps coming out, but you might need to get checked for a UTI.
And the number one query.....
1. "Spermies!"- Well apparently you are just as excited about spermies as I am! I heart your use of an exclamation point in a google search.

If you were one of the google searches to make the top five...don't feel bad! I have googled way crazier things!

Dr. Appt Update

Well it looks like my uterus has finally had enough! Fifth cycle of meds and my lining is super thin (4 mm). My follicles also did not cooperate...I have a couple, but they are only 11,11,11, and 13. I'm going back on Friday to see if the little follies have grown or if my uterus has decided to cooperate. I finally got to express my concerns about my pain (mainly around af) to my doctor, and he immediately brought up lap surgery. He said that my symptoms sound like I could have endometriosis, and we will only know by taking a look inside through surgery. I told him that I am all for surgery because I would rather do it first, then spend all of the $$$ and then decide we need to do surgery. Unfortunately the OR is booked for Friday so we will have to schedule the surgery for August. I am actually okay because I just knew my follies were going to be little. I would have fallen off the table if the tech told me I had a big one this time. I have a funny blog coming tomorrow to lighten the mood!

Where Do I Start?

Well girls.....it has been an interesting week. I feel like I need to write 10 posts to catch all of you up on what is going on right now, but I will just have to try to summarize. But before I begin, I just want to thank all of you for your support, encouragement, and most importantly-prayers. This was the most difficult bfn I have ever received, and it meant the world to me that all of you were there for me. So why was this bfn the hardest? For a couple reasons, but I think the biggest reason was because I got my hopes up...really up.
1. First time I have ever ovulated on time (cd 13)
2. 35 Progesterone number
3. IUI Procedure- actually trying at the RE's office.
4. Progesterone suppositories made me absolutely crazy this past
2ww--or at least I can blame it on them (I think b/c I already had a naturally higher progesterone number...my body had way too much prog).
5. Faint positives on hpts 14 days past trigger

So I have mourned the loss of that cycle, and it is time for a new cycle! I will have my first mid-cycle ultrasound on Tuesday so let's all hope for a big follicle!!

Now on to the really big development this week---I have felt for at least a month that we needed to talk to our pastor in more detail about our problems. Every Sunday, I kept looking for a time when not too many people were around so I could talk to him, but there was never a good time. But this past Sunday, the crowds parted, and there he was... all by himself (I wonder if that has ever happened). So I practically ran over there to talk to him.
"Hey Courtney! How is your summer going?"
"Not good." (already started crying that was all I could get out)
"What's wrong?"
I leaned in as if I was going to tell him a deep, shameful secret...
"Infertility." (that is all I could say...pitiful).
"I want to pray with you and Shaun."
So I finally got Shaun to stop talking (he is a talker...especially at church), and our pastor asked us to come up to his office. I wish all of you could have the opportunity to sit on that red loveseat and spill your guts. My pastor is a great listener, and he really took time to understand what we have been through the past two years. He completely agrees with medical intervention and treatment for infertility just like any other disease. He also said that even though God can always make a miracle happen God doesn't ask us to ignore medical facts or statistics. But he surprised us both at his advice..."I want the two of you to start praying about pursuing adoption now." I can't even describe to you what it felt like to hear those words. I think the best way to describe it is....relief. I looked at Shaun, and I could just see it in his eyes. God has been working on our hearts for months and months, but for the first time, we both seriously started considering the blessing of adoption. Adoption is not right for everyone, but it might be right for us. I always try to take control of my infertility but as much as I try I can't do anything...I'm left with empty arms. But I don't want empty arms, I want open arms. I'm praying that God will get our hearts ready to open our arms to the blessing He has in store for us. More to come....

The "Perfect Cycle"....

unfortunately ended with a big fat no. I kept getting faint positives on my fav brand of pregnancy tests (first response) even 14 days after the hcg trigger shot so my RE's nurses wanted me to come in for b/w on Friday. I was freakishly calm up until the point that I walked out of the office doors and left my blood behind. All of a sudden it hit me that I had made a huge mistake. I thought I was going to be strong, but I lost it. I was overwhelmed with fear of hearing the nurse say those dreaded words and especially the day before the baby shower at my house. Well two hours later, I heard those dreaded words and once again I lost it (hcg was only 1.9). I met Shaun for lunch, but I was too emotional to go inside to eat so we drove my car over to Arby's and sat in the parking lot. I told him that I wanted to quit (which I knew wasn't true the moment it came out of my mouth), and he assured me that he was not going to let me give up because he knows how much we both want a baby. Somehow I was able to finish the rest of my work day, and then I had to go over to wal-mart and other stores to get all of my baby shower supplies. It was a pitiful sight. I'm sure I looked like a sad little lost puppy as I wondered the aisles of the baby section. I bought little hats, onesies, booties, pacifiers...all in our green and brown color scheme for my fireplace mantle clothes line (turned out really cute by the way). Late that night...I finished all of the decorations, and I actually had a good night's sleep. I think I had a lot of IF buddies praying for me this morning because I woke up with such a peace about the shower, and I had a wonderful time rejoicing with my friend. Thank you for all of your prayers and support...I'm truly blessed to know all of you even if I only know some of you through the blogger world.

A Tough Day

In this infertility journey, I have good days (ex: finding out I have a big follicle), normal days (ex: constantly thinking about ttc), bad days (ex: when my friend thought I should be the first person she should call to tell me that she is pregnant and that she is NOT happy about it--by the way she knows my story), and tough days (ex: when I feel like I'm going crazy and I've hit rock bottom). Today was a tough day. I'm 10dpo today, and I woke up this morning hoping for a positive pregnancy test. Well they were both bfns so I just got back in bed. I could not get out of bed to go to work. I finally made myself get up, and I looked at the tests (past the time limit of course) and they were both positive. My guess is that there is still some lingering pregnancy hormone from my hcg trigger shot, which caused the tests to turn positive after the time limit. I really think the main reason why I was crazy upset is these progesterone supps that I am taking. They are making me feel extremely tired and emotional. I must remind myself that God is faithful and that He has amazing plans for us.

POAS Experiment

So the plan for this morning was to take a test to make sure that the hcg from my trigger was out of my system. I'm 9dpIUI today and 11 days post trigger so I thought it would be gone by now. Well the pregnancy test turned positive so I guess I still have some of the shot left! It sure was fun to see two lines, but I know it is most likely from the meds so I can't get too excited yet. I am going to test tomorrow morning to see if the line shows up darker and faster....please, please, please. This is when the 2ww gets really intense. My heart is going to be beating so fast tomorrow morning. But for now...I am going to get on the couch and stay there for the rest of the night. The progesterone supps are making me extremely tired so I need some couch time. yawn.

Praying for my little one

7dpIUI (seven days past IUI)...today would most likely be the day that if God decided to give us a baby this month that our sweet little one would be implanting in my womb. This is also always the point in every cycle when I start to feel pregnant, and I walk around as if I'm a 9 month pregnant woman in such a tender state. Believe me...I have the waddle down; I smell things that Shaun can't even smell; I crave Mexican food and hamburgers; I marvel at how big my boobs get in just a couple days; I cry at the most ridiculous things on television. I also find myself praying for my little one just in case I am pregnant. I don't want to miss out on precious time praying for my baby. I place my hand on my lower belly and pray that God will protect our baby and keep it safe. I also love my good friend B's prayer..Please God be knitting away in my womb. Another prayer I started praying recently is for God to "open my womb" as He did for all of the many women who dealt with infertility in the Bible.

On a completely different topic...
I love going to church, but today was hard. We sat down and within the first five minutes, I wanted to cry. We see a very sweet lady that has been praying for me (which I appreciate so much), but she asked me in front of at least three people if I had any news. Ummm no I don't. And don't you think everyone around us knows what you are talking about? Then a couple sat down next to us and the husband made a joke about sitting next to the "sensitive" girl. I tried to laugh it off.."oh yeah I cry a lot, and I will probably be crying again today." Did it ever occur to him that there might be a reason for my tears?

Progesterone Results....

35!!!! YAY!! I felt ovulation pain on my right side after my IUI even though my big follicle was on my left so I guess it is possible that I released two eggs. Now if I can just get through this next week...

A Baby Shower

I'm having a baby shower at my house...what was she thinking you might ask? Well honestly when I agreed to do the shower with my friends, I thought to myself..."oh I will be pregnant by then..." So now here I am a little over a week from the baby shower, and a little over a week from finding out if I am pregnant or not. I am incredibly happy for my friend. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and she completely appreciates the gift and miracle that God has given her. But my house is about to start looking like a mini-babies-r-us, and I don't know how I am going to take it. Seriously..what was I thinking? So now here is my dilemma...do I test before the shower (as in a couple days before) or do I have to wait until after the shower? Should I really have to delay my POAS plans because of a baby shower? I seriously think I won't be able to wait. I've tested on mother's day before and gone to church after seeing the bfn so surely I can throw a baby shower at my house after a bfn. Remember that I will be on progesterone supps so I won't start my period on my own. Those of you who know me...know that this conversation is pointless because you know I'm going to test..I can't help myself. But I would still love to hear what all of you think!

If My Shower Could Talk

The moment I step into our shower and close the door, a non-stop flow of ttc thoughts begins, and it doesn't stop until I exit the shower. It must be because it is one of the few times during the day that I am actually by myself with no distractions. My shower thoughts range from being hopeful to being just plain angry. Sometimes I feel that I can make others or myself think I am handling this well, but my shower knows the truth. So if my shower could talk....
Courtney first stepped into my shower almost a year ago at the end of June 07. At the time, she was dealing with questions about what could possibly be wrong with her body and when will Shaun ever want to start seeking treatment. About two weeks later, Courtney had her best shower after she saw two lines on a hpt. The weeks that followed were pure joy as she thought and dreamed about her baby, and she spent the rest of the time praying for God's protection over their baby. The worst day was September 25, 2007 as she took a shower to get ready to leave the hospital for her D&C. Courtney actually scared me and herself at how angry she was for weeks. There were days when she just cried for the entire shower. Then she started to think about getting pregnant again. She thought that if she could just get pregnant right away, then all of her pain would go away. Well unfortunately that didn't happen, and she is a mess most of the time. She struggles with her faith...she is jealous of her pregnant friends who have it so easy...she thinks constantly of her infertile friends...she is angry with herself for being at this place at her age....and she feels crazy because it is all she can think about...But then there are showers (but not very often), when her hopes are lifted, there are no tears, she takes her heavy burden to God, and she dreams about the good days that must be ahead for her and for all of her infertile friends.

Thank goodness my shower doesn't talk. Many of you have commented about my strength and my faith through all of this, and I just wanted all of you to know the truth...I am just as doubtful, hopeless, and weak as you feel you are.

Update for yesterday's blog: #10 and #14...check.

Oh the 2ww

Oh how I hate the two week wait. It is by far the worst part of ttc for me and probably for most of you so I have come up with a list of 20 Things to Do During the 2ww. My list is all about relaxation and pampering...don't you think we deserve it?? I am going to try to accomplish all 20 in the next 2ww, and I challenge all of you 2 week waiters to do the same!

20 Things to do during the 2ww:

1. Go to a good chick flick with some friends or DH
2. Get a pedicure
3. Read a book that has nothing to do with ttc
4. Start a 2ww grateful journal to write positive thoughts
5. Plant pretty flowers
6. Go stock up on HPTs
7. Spend some time in a bookstore with a good drink and some fun magazines
8. Buy a new cd you've been wanting and cruise around town with some good tunes
9. Take a nap
10. FD with DH :)
11. Take a warm bath with candles to relax
12. If it is a warm day, spend some time sitting outside in the sun.
13. Get a massage from a professional or DH
14. Rent a movie on a weekday night with DH and pick up popcorn and fun snacks
15. Take a walk with DH, a good friend, or by yourself
16. Go to a hobby store and find a craft project
17. Get some flowers for yourself to put in your house or office
18. Go shopping
19. Play a board game or cards with friends
20. Pray!

Go Spermies Go!!

Well our IUI went well this morning! Shaun broke a clinic record with his 130 million spermies after wash (just kidding about the clinic record part) so we are obviously very happy with that count. The speculum was the worst part, but the rest was painless. I was squeezing Shaun's hand so hard during the speculum part...she had some trouble getting it right. The nurse had me stay on the table for fifteen minutes afterwards, and the time went by fast because Shaun was making me laugh. I asked him..."where was that sense of humor before the IUI when I was so nervous??!! " Shaun even decided to take some pictures of me. I guess it will be good for the baby's book if we get pregnant ("and here we are as we conceived you on this table..")..just kidding!! Dr. H even stopped by in his Sunday best to check on us. He said he didn't want to get our hopes up because the pregnancy rate isn't that high with this treatment, but that this cycle could not have gone any better (too late..hopes are already up..see post below). He called it "a perfect cycle"...wow that is a first!! I thought it was really sweet of him to come see us. Okay so here comes the 2ww!! PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!

Dr. Shaun

Last night was sooooo funny. 10:00 rolled around, and you could feel the tension in the air. We both knew it was time. Now we've known since we've been going to a RE that this was part of the plan, but Shaun has always acted like giving me a shot would be "no big deal." So it cracked me up to see Dr. Shaun as we were mixing the shot because I could tell he was getting nervous. I was fine at that point, but when it was time for me to bend over...I started to freak out, and I broke out into a cold sweat. Seeing Dr. Shaun with that loaded syringe was pretty scary. I moved my butt really fast away from him and told him..."I can't do this!!" Dr. Shaun told me that we were going to do this and that I was not even going to slightly move. I listened to my doctor and stuck my butt out like a ttc pro. "Are you going to tell me when you are going to do it..I need to know??" "No! I will give you a 10 second window starting now." So I started counting in my head... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,10andahalf,10and3/4,whatistakinghimsolong and then I felt it...the tiniest amount of pain you could ever imagine. "did you do it..i didn't feel that hardly at all...are you sure is it in far enough, did you draw blood...are you putting the medicine in???"...I was full of questions. Dr. Shaun told me to please stop talking because he was concentrating. So I let him finish and then I praised him for his expert shot giving skills. And like all true poas addicts...I woke up this morning to a blaring bfp (on an opk of course...wasn't going to waste a hpt). I just wanted to confirm that the hcg was in my body and working properly. We can only hope that in two weeks from now that I will get to see a second line again .

Oh Happy Day

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. Today was my first mid-cycle follicle ultrasound for this cycle, and I just knew I was going to get more bad news. The past couple of days I felt all of these weird twingy pains especially on my left ovary, and I already prepared myself to be expecting a massive cyst. I even tried to bet Shaun on how big it was this morning, but Mr. Optimistic wouldn't take the bet... "I think it is a really big follicle." Well I was very happy to be proven wrong. My ultrasound tech started out on the right ovary, (there is a flat panel screen in front of me so I can see the whole thing--possibly one of my fav things about my re's office) and there were tiny little follicles, and I was thinking "ha I knew it..my stinkin ovaries." Then she went over to the left side and she said "Oh we have a big one!." And there it was...it was beautiful..this perfect huge round black circle covering up most of my ovary..measuring in at 22mm. I had a list of about ten questions about my high fsh results, but I didn't ask a single question because I was too busy talking to Dr. H about the hcg shot and the iui. My dr is not very animated at all so I was taken back when he got to my door and did this little happy "YAY" with his hands in the air. It was quick, but it meant a lot. I met Shaun for lunch, and I told him all about my appointment, but of course I finished with the infertility disclaimer..."but I'm not getting my hopes up." And he said something to me that really made me think: What is it with everyone always saying 'don't get your hopes up'?? Your hopes should always be up because your hope is in the Lord because you know He will provide. The only question is how and when He is going to provide. So true! So let it be known...my hopes are up!

Quote of the Day

Courtney: That's okay honey..i understand why you can't take off for our dr appt on friday...if I get more bad news, I will be okay..don't worry... I won't try to run my car into something

Shaun: (completely serious)....More bad news...how could it get any worse?

Courtney: (laughing hysterically) well...that's true.

FSH Results

Yesterday was a scary day. For the fist time in this journey, I actually find myself seriously questioning if we will be able to have biological children. It has been in the back of mind the past couple of months, but now it seems to be a actual possibility. My day 3 FSH level came back at 9.73...10 is considered a diminished ovarian reserve by my RE's lab. So there are two ways to look at this number...is the ovary half full or half empty??
ovary half full (a.k.a glass half full)-9.73 is still considered normal. you are young so you have that going for you as well.
ovary half empty (a.k.a glass half empty)- 9.73 might as well be 10. obviously at 24 years old...your numbers should not be anywhere close to 10. There is a problem with your egg quality.
Unfortunately, my re was on vacation this past week so I won't know what he thinks until later this week. My guess is he is either going to move us on to injections or an IVF cycle. I'm sure he will take the ovary hall full approach and will come up with a plan of action for us in the next couple of months.
Finally, I must say that I know that God has plans for us to have children and hopefully many. I rest in knowing that He is in control of my body. I know that the end of this story is going to be beautiful whether God gives us our babies through infertility treatments or adoption...I'm just scared of the heartache that we might have to experience to get there.

Two BFNs Too Many

This was my first cycle with my RE so I got to have mid-cycle follicle ultrasounds for the first time. I had great expectations for my follicles because I had a decent progesterone number (16.4) last cycle on 50mg of Clomid. Well at cd 10 they were 12 and 14mm on my right ovary. I went back at cd 12 expecting them to be at least 4mm bigger,and they were the same size. So my dr wanted me to come in just one more time at cd 15 to see if there was any growth...and there wasn't.RE told us to keep getting together because stranger things have happened, but he said he would be surprised if we got pregnant this cycle. Fast forward to cd 19-21...Shaun and I took a beach trip for the weekend, and we had a good time if you know what I mean. The monday after our trip I had my after o signs...dried up cm and sore ns so I took an opk, and it was positive. Ovulation on cd 21 was confirmed the next day by a temp rise. I called my RE's office to ask the nurse if I could take the prog supps just in case, and she said that it couldn't hurt to go ahead and take them. Now I will be the first to admit that I am a POAS (pee on a stick) addict. I can't help
but test early so I tested 11dpo and of course only saw one line. As much as I would have been absolutely shocked by a BFP, the Big Fat Negative was still so sad. I always hold my sticks up to the light just hoping for a glimmer of a second line. I can't wait for digital hpts to be as cheap and as sensitive as the regular two line hpts...that will save me a lot of time and squinting. Again at 14 dpo...just one line so I was able to stop the progesterone, which was the only good news. Every time I get a BFN now I have the urge to do what Tina Fey did in the movie Baby Mama. I haven't seen the movie yet, but fortunately this scene is in the trailer. Fast forward to about :30 secs in the trailer...link below. I love the digital test with the huge bright red "NO." I seriously wish these were available on the market. I love how she shakes it before she reads it like it is somehow going to change the result. But the best part is when she throws it across the bathroom. I think I am going to seriously start throwing all BFNs. I think it would make me feel better...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU34zV9A3gU&feature=related

Is It Worth It?

This was the question that my close friend asked me this week after I was describing the three times a day progesterone supplements that I was taking. I honestly think she thinks I'm a little crazy for doing all of this at my age. "Is it worth it Courtney??" I have to admit the question did take me back a little, and it made me question myself. My response, "I don't know...is it??" I spent the rest of the evening thinking "what am I doing?" "am I crazy for doing this at my age??" "is it worth it?" In the morning, I woke up emotional, but with a new confident reply to the question "Is it Worth it?"...response: yes.
It is worth it...to see that a miracle of God has taken place by seeing two lines on a HPT
It is worth it...to hear and see your baby's heartbeat and to fall in love with your tiny baby on an ultrasound screen just two weeks after you found out that you were pregnant.
It is worth it...to hear the words "it's a boy" or "it's a girl"
It is worth it...to feel your baby moving and kicking inside of you
It is worth it...to finally get to hold your baby in your arms
I could go on and on because there are a million reasons why it is worth it. I am 24 and infertile so I can either try to be treated now or wait for a couple years for me to even get more infertile. I'm doing it now, and I'm doing everything that I can because it is worth it.

My Infertility Soundtrack

A couple of songs that have encouraged me along the way...you can listen to them on the bottom of this blog:
Praise You in This Storm-Casting Crowns- This song really spoke to me that we can praise God as we are going through this storm and every tear we've cried, He has held it in His hand.
I Would Die For That-Kellie Coffey- I love this song.
Fix You-Coldplay- "and the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace" This song really spoke to me after my loss.
Baby Mine-Allison Krauss- I dream of singing this song to my baby some day.
The Innocence Mission- "waiting for you to arrive, where does the time go?" Don and Karen Peris know all to well what it is like to wait for a little one.
So Hard-Dixie Chicks-sisters Emily & Martie both dealt with infertility and loss. "It's so hard when it doesn't come easy"--well said and so true.

Oh Progesterone!

Dear Prog Supps,
Please stop making me feel pregnant. You are not making the 2ww easy on me!
Love,
C

My False Positive

This was last cycle. Do you see two lines? I know it is faint, but it was way darker in person just take my word for it. In a perfect world, this would mean I was pregnant. I had all of the signs... a great 21 day prog number, really sore bbs, very emotional so when I saw two lines I thought our prayers had been answered. I dove back into the bed to tell Shaun the good news. We immediately prayed and thanked God for this wonderful blessing. And we spent the rest of the day, calling and telling all of our close friends and family the good news. I walked around with my hand on my belly all afternoon, and I was beyond happy. The next morning, I got to test again hoping for a darker line only to see a positive on the $ tree tests and a BFN on first response. Now all ttc girls know that FRER is the best and most reliable at detecting early so this should have been a big flashing "you are not pregnant" sign, but I still didn't believe it. I called my ob-gyn's nurse who has to be one of the rudest nurses in america to see if I could get b/w done right away. When I got to the lab, I explained to the poor lab lady what happened to me, and I asked her if the order said to do a yes or no beta or a number beta. She said just a yes or no, and I asked her to please see if we could do a number because there can be false negatives with a yes or no depending on the lab with it being so early. She agreed and in no time at all I had the rude nurse yelling at me that they were only going to do a yes or no and that's it. She walked away, and I immediately started crying... that was the last straw for me with that nurse. I waited in the waiting room with all of the glowing pregnant girls as I tried to stop crying. I flipped open a magazine and turned the pages, but I didn't read one single thing...all I could think about is yes or no. Probably about 30 minutes later, the lab ladies called me in there to tell me I was not pregnant. I lost it...I could hardly stand up. Honestly my immediate reaction was "why God, why would you let me get a false positive??" I made the lab ladies cry, and they wouldn't let me leave until I got okay. My first phone call was to a woman named Joy at the RE's office to ask if I could get the appointment back that I canceled just hours before when I just knew for sure that I was pregnant. She was so kind to me, and she made sure that I got my appointment back. I spent the rest of the day just crying. Apparently the lab ladies told my doctor what was going on because the rude nurse called back in the evening to say that "we decided to run the numbers...and it was .07 so you definitely are not pregnant." She was extremely nice so either she felt bad for how rude she was (find that unlikely) or someone got on to her. I didn't have much to say to her, but I let her know that I had an appointment with Dr. H and that I wouldn't be back. I honestly loved my doctor that is why I was so torn leaving her for a specialist, but I knew I needed to go to an RE to be watched more carefully. God wanted me there, and rude nurse just made it that much easier to leave. thank you rude nurse.

An Introduction

My husband and I met when we were fifteen years old. I was very unpopular, and he was the new, oh so popular football player. It was pretty much love at first sight. I can remember the two of us smiling and staring at each other from across the classroom all day long. One Friday night after a football game, I sat in the corner of our auditorium just hoping that he would ask me to dance. He did and the rest is history. After almost six years together, we finally got married, and we were so happy. Sure... life wasn't easy with paying bills, a tiny apartment, jobs, and finishing college, but we loved every second of being together. The only thing that was difficult was the big S word. Of course, it was special because we waited, but I felt like I had the libido of an old woman on her death bed. After 9 months, I finally broke down and told my ob/gyn about my issues. "Oh you poor thing, it is most likely because you are not very experienced." She was even sweet enough to copy off a chapter or two of a sex book. But thankfully, she said she would run some blood work just to make sure that my birth control wasn't taking a toll on my free testosterone. About a week later, she called back with the test results, "Courtney, I'm going to have to apologize to you. You really do have a hormone problem. Your blood work shows that you have hardly any free testosterone." I immediately went home and started finding out as much information as I could about the link between birth control pills and sex drive. Fortunately a new study came out in Jan of 06 that proved a connection. This was only the beginning of my medical internet researching as you will learn soon enough about me. Shaun and I made the tough decision that even though we weren't completely financially ready for a baby, we would stop using birth control pills in the hopes that my hormone problems would go away. And by the way because I know you are curious...over time it got A LOT better. Well we tried the condom route, and that just wasn't happening...then we tried some sort of foam that we still laugh about today so we ended up just saying the heck with it... let's just do it. Looking back on this makes me laugh, but I am also so grateful that God started us on this ttc journey a lot sooner than expected. If we hadn't stopped birth control pills, we would probably have no idea right now of our problems. I would be just getting off the pill with my friends only to watch them all get pregnant, and I would be left wondering what was taking us so long. I hope this long story explains in part why I am now writing an infertility blog at only 24.