Trip to Labor and Delivery

Everything is okay, but boy did we have a scare! I woke up in the wee hours of Saturday morning with my underwear soaked. I tried to remain calm knowing that it could very easily be pregnancy related discharge so I changed and went back to bed to see if it continued to "leak." Woke up Saturday morning, and I was still having a significant amount of wet discharge so we didn't have any choice but to call the ob on-call. Fortunately the dr on call was my former OB/GYN (loved her...just not her nurse), and she was at the hospital so we met her there. I was pretty freaked out by the time we got to the hospital. We "quickly" (lots of paperwork) got checked-in and before I knew it I was changing into a hospital gown and giving a urine sample. They immediately got me in bed and got the monitors going to see if I was having any contractions and to monitor Baby Henry's heartbeat. Dr. C came right in with a portable ultrasound to check the fluid level. We were all relieved to see plenty of fluid surrounding him. He was also measuring a week ahead still, and Dr. C explained to us that if we had to deliver that he would probably do okay. I think Shaun and I both were pretty scared when we heard her say "if we had to deliver"..yikes!! Henry is not even close to being ready! Dr. C ran a ph test, fern test, and ffn test which all came back negative to our relief. Once I found out all of the test results, I completely calmed down. It was so nice to lay there and listen to my sweet boy's heartbeat. I was having discomfort/tightness...which I'm still having...and it was showing up on the monitor so my L&D nurse had me drink an enormous amount of ice water in a short amount of time. Apparently I have a "irritable uterus." I would be irritable too if I was stuck in this reproductive system...can you blame my poor uterus? After all of the cold water...Henry was no longer a happy camper, and he kicked and moved all over the place. They could not keep his heartbeat on the monitor after that, and they had to keep coming in to change the location of the doppler. He was such a good little guy at the beginning, but he had enough! And so did his Dad! Shaun was starving...it was almost 4 in the afternoon, and he only ate a little cereal in the morning. After my uterus seemed to calm down, they finally let us go! My L&D nurse was so sweet. I really hope she is my nurse for the real thing.

I went in Monday afternoon to see my OB, and he ordered another ultrasound just to make sure the fluid level was still great. The fluid level was perfect, and he was too cute in there...stretching out both of his hands. Ultrasound tech was sweet enough to give me some more pics of him, and she said that he will be the perfect size next Friday for our 4D...I can't wait!! So apparently I have a mild bacterial infection that might have caused the increase. I feel somewhat silly now for going to the hospital, but I'm going to do whatever I can to protect this little guy. Dr. C (the ob on-call) told us that she thought her water broke 5 times so that made me feel so much better. Below is a picture that Shaun took of me with his cell phone at the hospital...don't I look pitiful? It was really hard to drink all of that water when I needed to pee!

23 Weeks

Very Pregnancy Related Post

I can't believe it!! The weeks keep on flying by, and I'm really surprised that we are already 23 weeks along. I absolutely love being pregnant! I love feeling my sweet boy move around in my tummy. I love the way Shaun constantly put his hand on my tummy and moves up and down to feel how big my bump has grown. I'm absolutely amazed at the miracle that is taking place, and I find it so hard to believe that people can experience this and not believe there is a God. I will admit though that I feel like I need to take back some things that I said about some pregnant women when I was going through treatments. Probably one of the hardest things for me to hear through this journey was women complaining or just talking about the common aches and pains/symptoms of pregnancy and labor and delivery. Those comments hurt me so deeply emotionally that I would start to feel physically sick. I would tell Shaun to "slap me (obviously not literally) if I ever get pregnant and if I ever complain." I honestly thought that these women were exaggerating their symptoms (I'm sure some do) and that they needed to learn how to deal with a little pain. I will admit now that I didn't realize just how difficult/hard pregnancy can be on your body. I have pretty severe back pain, and reflux is making every meal and for some time after the meal very uncomfortable. But I still say slap me if I complain! I need to be grateful for every moment, every ache and pain because I realize how incredibly blessed I am to be able to carry my son.
Last Saturday was also a huge milestone for us...we registered at Bab.ies.r.u.s!! This was such a highly anticipated day for me that I actually talked to Shaun about my expectations on our drive over to the store. He just laughed at me because he knew what I was really saying was..."we've waited a long time to do this and we are going to do it right...no complaints about being tired or taking too long making a decision." We went down each aisle and discussed what we needed and what would be best. Shaun was great, and I even started to become the impatient one when he was looking at our travel system and the mechanics of how it worked. I knew I wanted that travel system because I knew other moms that had it, but he wanted to see exactly how it worked and if it would be the best. I was surprised by my confidence in picking out baby products...I guess I paid attention at all of those showers! But I was still walking around like I was in a dream. I ran into a friend of mine from my support group, and I couldn't even talk right. She should be here registering...not me. Why me??!! I wanted to be sensitive and everything that came out of my mouth was total crap. I just wish I could re-do that entire conversation...I would have said something completely different. It is interesting to me that I have run into 3 of the girls in my support group at different times at B.r.us. This is pretty incredible because it is not like we live in a small town. I'm almost starting to believe there is some significance to this and that God is showing us that He is placing each other in our lives for a purpose.

I know I'm a dork, but I wanted to take a picture to remember registering. People were seriously laughing at us when we were taking this pic as you can imagine.


And here is the most recent bump photo: I'm even way bigger than this photo...we are really growing these days!



Also, calling all IVF experts...Go over and encourage my friend Bridget through her ivf cycle. It was less than a year ago that we were both talking about how we were "not" going to give ourselves shots...and look at us now. She is a precious friend who has walked a most difficult journey. She is my hero.

The Closet

This afternoon I decided to tackle cleaning out our guest bedroom/future nursery closet. I really didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to start bringing everything out of that closet. The day that we found out that we lost Baby Faith, Shaun went around the house with a green Motherhood bag (yes I already bought some clothes) and collected every pregnancy related thing from around the house (ultrasound pics, clothes, prenatal vitamins, pamphlets from doctor office, estimated delivery cost statements, books). It was so sad to watch him go around the house collecting all of the items, and I really wasn't ready to put everything away, but I knew it was his way of protecting me. We also received many touching cards from family and friends that I knew I wanted to keep so I tucked them away in the closet. On a few occasions(probably in the middle of a two week wait), I would let myself buy a baby item with the logic that if it wasn't for me that I could give it to someone as part of a baby shower gift. My trips to the closet were always quick...place item and shut the doors. I was doing okay bringing everything out of the closet until I got to the cards. I started to read all of them and all of the emotional pain of that time came back to me. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and honestly it felt good to grieve again. I think about Baby Faith often especially this time of year when I should be planning her one year old birthday party. I get asked frequently now if this is my first baby, and I feel a little lump in my throat and guilt every time I reply that he is. I don't know what else to say. Shaun saw me crying and took some time to look at her ultrasound picture. We talked about how strong her heartbeat sounded and what a gift that was to get to hear it.

Expecting a Miracle

Recently I received the question below from Hollie of Welcome to the Land of IVF. Hollie found out about two weeks ago that she is pregnant after her third IVF attempt, and we have all been celebrating her great hcg numbers!! Typically when someone leaves me a question in the comments section I hop over to their blog to answer, but I have too much to say to get it all in a comment form!

Hi Courtney! I need your help- how did you do it- getting pg again after a m/c and being calm? I am having trouble being anxiety-free with this new pregnancy! I thank God every day that He allowed this blessing, but I can't help but worry too. I'm always such a worrier! Knowing that you have "been in my boat", do you have some advice?? When did/do you stop worrying?

Pregnancy after infertility or loss is incredibly difficult. In a time when you feel like you should be "over the moon" in emotions and excitement, you are instead filled with an incredible amount of fear. This can in turn make you feel guilty for not celebrating your miracle, but your fear is completely normal. Infertility and loss takes away the innocence of pregnancy. Shortly after my bfp, I wrote a post about this called the Loss of Innocence. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time.
At the time that I wrote this I thought that by the end of my first trimester, I would be able to relax. I will say that with each passing week and milestone I'm able to relax more, but the worrying is still there. So here are some thoughts and realizations that have helped me along the way.

Welcome to Motherhood!- My mom has helped me realize this (thanks Mom!). She still worries about all of us, and she is approaching forty years of Motherhood! I think that holding Henry in my arms will be a huge relief, but new worries will pop up..."is he eating enough?" "why is he crying? is he sick?" I already know that I need to be looking for a very accessible pediatrician. It has helped me to accept that worrying is going to be a part of my life and something that I will struggle with as a mom of a sweet miracle from God. With that said, God does call us to cast all of our worries and burdens on Him because we can trust Him to take care of us. Just as you prayed for God to give you this most wonderful miracle, trust Him with your worries.

Celebrate!- When I look back on my loss, the one thing that I'm so glad that I did and that I will never regret is celebrating. A miracle has taken place! God has created life within you. Celebrating is not being "too innocent" or "counting your chickens before they hatch." You and your husband have a baby now that will forever change you and that you will forever love no matter what happens. Shaun and I went out to dinner to celebrate our first beta confirming that we were pregnant. I told my close friends that have walked this journey with me. Shaun brought home a big box wrapped in baby wrapping paper with a "pregnancy couch rest" blanket and pillow (my favorite present that he has ever given me). With my loss, a friend of mine gave me a little yellow and green blanket when she found out I was pregnant. It was a comfort to me to have something physical that I could hold on to and cry. I can't wait to see Henry holding it close to him. Make sure to celebrate all of the milestones. Believe me...it will help you get through the first trimester: first beta, second beta, six week ultrasound, last RE appt, first OB appt...anything and everything you can find to celebrate.

Don't be surprised by shock- Most days I feel like I'm walking around in a dream. It is very hard for me to believe or let it sink in that I'm carrying a healthy beautiful baby boy and that I'm going to get to hold him in August. My good friend Bridget who has walked this journey with me pointed out the other night that she can tell it hasn't sunken in yet, and she doesn't think I will really get it until I'm holding Henry in my arms. She couldn't be more right. My mind can't even comprehend the miracle that has taken place. I thought a few weeks ago "well maybe when I can feel him more" or "maybe after we have the big ultrasound and I know boy or girl"...these milestones just bring about more feelings of shock and an overwhelming awe that this is actually happening.

“Plenty of Time”

As promised… this is the first in a series of posts about infertility.

One of the most common misconceptions of infertility right along with “just relax and you will get pregnant” is my personal favorite “but you are too young to be infertile.” If I had a dollar for every time someone told me “but you are so young” during this journey including doctors and nurses, I probably could have paid for my infertility treatments with the money. Believe me….I understand where this misconception comes from…I’m surrounded by women in their 20s getting pregnant on their very first cycle trying, when they were being “very careful” to not get pregnant or my favorite… their husband just looked at them (still trying to figure out how that happens). I previously thought that these women were the exception to the rule (you know the “fertile myrtles”) but now I understand that they are just plain normal…they are the 9 out of 10 couples in their 20s without infertility. But what about us? What about the 1 out of 10 couples in their 20s with infertility? 1 out of 10 is significant.

Shaun and I started dating when we were 15, married at 21, and stopped using birth control right around my 22nd birthday. Not the typical timetable for most couples! When we stopped using birth control, I just knew we were going to get pregnant within a few months. It took something like 60 days for me to get my first period after birth control (of course I just “knew” I was pregnant) and my cycles after that were forever long. I had irregular cycles in college, but we weren’t having sex so I wasn’t keeping up with the amount of days between cycles. Probably about six months into having sex without birth control and my crazy cycles, I started to realize that there was a problem and that it was most definitely with me. I felt so ridiculous to care so much about having a baby when it wasn’t even the right “time” for us. Looking back I now understand why I cried so hard at the negative pregnancy tests…I was slowly realizing that something wasn’t right, and it scared the crap out of me. Even though we were young and Shaun wasn’t ready to try for a baby (which in our world meant starting clomid) mainly for money reasons, I mentioned to my gyn about my concerns. Couple tests later including a semen analysis on Shaun and our suspicions were confirmed, I didn’t ovulate and Shaun was as fertile as a bull. 23 and infertile was a tough pill to swallow. Of course I didn’t realize the extent of our infertility until much later.

Around the time of our diagnosis is when the questions started, “oh when are y’all going to have a baby?” I can remember thinking that I wish I knew the answer to that and being a little disgusted at Shaun’s “when we get our finances in order” answer. Of course what was the poor guy going to say? “Well she doesn’t ovulate so we will just have to see.” No one would have ever guessed that we would have trouble and honestly I don’t blame them for it. This is when I started to feel really alone. I struggled daily with how often my thoughts would turn to thinking about having a baby or trying to conceive. This continued to get worse over the years. What is wrong with me?? I’m in my early 20s!! Why do I care right now? I really beat myself up over this as you can see from this post. Joining the infertility blogging community was seriously one of the most wonderful blessings to me in this journey because I started to see that I wasn’t crazy…there were other girls out there just like me! Around the same time I started this blog, I also was blessed to join a support group in town. I was terrified to go to the first meeting. I knew I needed support, but I was so scared that they were going to think I was crazy for calling myself infertile at my age. I probably said, “I know I’m young” like ten times during my first meeting. They were incredibly sweet to me, and I felt an instant bond with the women in the group. I started to realize that it wasn’t about my age. I was infertile…I knew about it…I desired a child…and I needed to be there. Several meetings later a young woman with severe endometriosis came to the group for the first time that was my same age. I watched her raw emotions after a failed IVF cycle, and all of a sudden my emotions felt validated. I held her hand so tight as we prayed for God to create life in us with tears running down our faces. It was real…real pain, deep desires…nothing young or innocent about it. Through these experiences, I slowly started to accept where I was in my life. This led to more openness with our church, work, family, friends and even some acquaintances and gave us the strength to make difficult decisions about treatments.

There is nothing easy about infertility at any age…nothing comforting about having “plenty of time” when all you want is to hold your baby now. Yes statistics show a more successful response to treatment with a younger age on average, but every couple’s situation is different. My FSH number was higher than a woman in her mid 30s and a woman reaching 40 in my support group. This is a pretty good indication that my clock is tick-tocking at a much faster rate than most women my age. The friend that I mentioned above has such severe endometriosis and pain associated with that disease that she is now considering a hysterectomy after two failed IVF attempts. We aren’t guaranteed “plenty of time,” and there isn’t a perfect age to start seeking treatment or for becoming more aggressive.

It's A....

We are so blessed! Baby is healthy and happy! Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives. It was amazing.

Tomorrow is a Big Day!

Tomorrow morning is our big ultrasound, and Shaun and I just can't wait to find out if our sweet baby is a boy or a girl! Pretty much everyone including me, strangers, coworkers, friends, and some family (my entire family thinks girl-but that is just because I'm the only girl in my fam with 3 older brothers) feels strongly that our baby is a boy! I have felt for sure since pretty much the beginning of this pregnancy that our baby is a boy so I'm going to be very shocked if it is a girl. Shaun has gone back and forth, but right now he is placing his guess that our baby is a boy since everyone keeps telling him that is what we are having based on my symptoms! And since he is an engineer, he is using his logic to make a guess since "statistically we have a higher chance of conceiving a boy with an IUI timed right at ovulation." I think this goes without saying if you are a reader of my blog, but I do want to emphasize in all of this guessing fun that we just want a healthy baby. We realize how blessed we are to have our sweet little one! I did put up a poll at the top of the blog so you have 24 hours to enter your guess!! Leave me a comment and let me know what you guessed! Below is the most recent belly shot at 17 weeks (I'm 18 now).

Good News for our Georgia Peaches

According to the AP and several other sources, the Georgia bill that would severely limit IVF in Georgia is most likely dead as it was sent to a Senate sub-committee yesterday for further research. I hope that we have all learned from this the importance of staying together as a community to fight for each other.

Wow! Everyone seemed to have a good time debating in my comments section yesterday. There were some very hurtful and honestly ridiculous comments left, but I have decided to leave them so that it is clear who is truly behind this bill. I will admit that they did get to me yesterday, but I'm over it this morning. God was with us every step of our infertility. He led us to the right doctor. He gave us peace about the right treatment option for us. He brought me to other Christian women going through the same journey who held my hand and prayed me through. He was there the days of our IUIs in our dr.'s office when we were left alone for ten minutes, and Shaun held my hand and prayed for a miracle. He provided comfort and hope when all we saw were negative tests. And He was there the day that we saw our miracle from Him with the most beautiful heartbeat. God creates life. God sustains life. But God works through medicine and doctors and procedures everyday in all areas of medicine.

I also had a lengthy email conversation with the Legislative Director of the organization that was behind this bill. He claims that all IVF language was removed from the bill. This must be a recent development because I read the bill in full on the Georgia's State Legislature website Wednesday afternoon, and it was all still there. Of course, this would be a major step in the right direction, but I will reserve my judgement of the bill until I read the actual new or revised bill in full.

Yesterday's debate was informative, but any hurtful comments left today will be removed. This is a place where women and men who are suffering through infertility can encourage and uplift eachother so unless you find that your comment fits into that category...I suggest you find another venue to express your extreme views. I also encourage commenters to leave positive comments on how you have seen God work through your infertility treatments.

Georgia Bill Seeks to End IVF

It came to my attention yesterday (thanks to LFCA) that Georgia has proposed legislation (SB 169) that would virtually shut down IVF in Georgia. The bill calls for many regulations, but the following I find most troubling.
-Couples under 40 could only attempt to fertilize 2 eggs through in-vitro, a max of two embryos would be potentially fertilized and transferred. No freezing allowed.
-Couples over 40 could attempt to fertilize and transfer up to 3 embryos with again no freezing allowed.
The authors of this bill obviously timed out the proposal of this bill correctly with the Octo-Mom controversy. They are trying to say that this bill would protect women and children from multiple births. But let's talk about what will actually happen if this bill is passed:
-No more in-vitro in Georgia. I would have a hard time believing that any patient, let alone any RE would use IVF as treatment under these conditions.
-Freezing would not be an option- Sometimes a patient hyperstimulates from the drugs, and it is not safe to complete the transfer. In this scenario, the doctor and patient would have no other choice (since freezing isn't an option) to risk the patient's health by continuing with the transfer.
-Patients that have little time left and/or egg supply would not be able to have embryos for future use.
-More high order multiple births in Georgia. One of the purposes of IVF is to try to prevent high order multiples. If this bill was passed, couples in Georgia would have no other option but to opt for using injectable cycles to try to conceive. Everyone agrees that this treatment option has a much higher rate of high order multiples.

As the infertility community, we have to speak up on this issue. There are already headlines out there that read, "Bill would prohibit octuplet mother scenario in Georgia." This is not accurate. The headlines should read "Bill would end IVF in Georgia." Speak out through a link provided on the RESOLVE website or comment on these articles with the right information. A simple search of "Georgia bill" in Google News will make your stomach turn. There is so much misinformation out there about this bill. Don't let them fool you and your neighbors, this bill was created as an attempt to use the Octo-Mom controversy to end infertility treatments in Georgia.

The Best Compliment

Today was a very special milestone for me. My first stranger noticed my belly and felt confident enough to say something to me! I told Shaun on our way into the restaurant for lunch that I really shouldn't have left my jacket in the car because I didn't look prego...and my belly just looked "weird." We were in line for probably not even a minute when I heard....
Old Man with his cute wife: Ma'am! Ma'am!!(Don't forget that I live in Mississippi)
Court: (turned around to talk to him)
Old Man: You are a beautiful mother..and you sir (pointing to Shaun)are a lucky man!
Court: Oh thank you! thank you!!
Shaun: I'm very lucky...you are right.
Well I don't think the smile left my face for the rest of the lunch. Shaun was cracking up because he knew I was so, so happy. It was seriously such a sweet thing for him to say, and it was so cute how hard he worked to make sure he got my attention. He also called me a mother, which was just music to my ears.

On a side note...I'm happy to report that I don't think my RE is going to forget me anytime soon (not that I really thought for a second that he would forget my craziness/medical-wanna-be questions--my support group does not just call me Dr. Courtney for fun!). I know seven of his current patients...two of which are my really good friends. Well apparently my one good friend went to an appt and kept saying...."yeah Courtney told me that." The next morning, my other good friend must have also mentioned my name because she texted me "Dr. H says that you know everyone." I really don't know that many people here since I just moved here twoish years ago, but I do know a lot of his patients, and I'm so grateful to God that He has placed these women in my life. I can't put into words what a blessing they are to me.

Lately I have been especially blessed by some very special comments left by women who have stumbled to my blog through google. A big shout out to Sue in Canada. Your comment really touched me, and I hope with you that this is your cycle. As much as I want to keep everyone updated about my pregnancy, I still feel called to talk frequently about infertility and to provide encouragement to those of you still waiting. I'm not going to promise, but my goal is to post an infertility related post once a week. I think my first topic is going to be the most common misconception about infertility (and there are many!!), but I believe this is the most common. Another item that has really been on my heart lately is praying for my little one. I pray often for the safety and health of my baby, but I want to start praying more specifically. I plan on including these prayers at the end of any pregnancy related post, and I hope that many of you will join with me in prayer for the baby that we trust that God has for you.

Prayer for My Little One: Lord I pray that my little one will come to know you at a very young age and that his/her faith in You will continue to grow deeper as he/she grows.

2nd Trimester Bliss

Hey Girls!! I'm back! I finally have a new healthy (lol) home computer so expect much more blogging from me in the near future. I feel like I need to be honest that it is difficult for me to blog about pregnancy when I know so many of you are still going through extremely hard times. My hope is that with sharing my entire journey with you the ugly, the bad, and now the good that reading this blog will leave you with hope. I can honestly say now that every single moment of heartache was worth it. I'm actually grateful for going through infertility. I'm not the same person that I was before this journey...my marriage isn't the same...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This past Saturday was our first big shopping day for nursery furniture. We started looking a little last weekend, but we decided to actually go to every baby store in our entire area in one day. I loved every second of it. My favorite moment of the day was when Shaun and I decided to take a moment to talk things over while we sat on the gliders in B R US. It is going to be hard to really explain this moment, but I think it finally set in with both of us that we were preparing to bring a baby home. On our final stop of our baby store tour, we found the perfect crib and dresser/changing table. Shaun and I have very similar taste especially in furniture so we usually know right away once we see it...and it was definitely the style/price/size that we were looking for in our nursery furniture. I will post pics soon from the catalog (it takes 10 weeks for the furniture to come in).

Update on symptoms: I feel great!! My energy is back, and I'm starting to show a little more. My bbs have definitely grown...actually so fast that I now have my first pregnancy related stretch mark. Shaun thinks that all stretch marks can be prevented with the pregnancy stretch mark cream that I purchased recently lol. I'm now trying to apply the lotion in front of him everyday to prove that these stretch marks are just going to happen...lotion or not. Next dr appt is tomorrow morning so I will try to post an update and some pics tomorrow!

Five Cute Little Fingers

I have missed blogging...I'm having major withdrawals. I need a computer!! My work computer won't let me post! I can post from my Blackberry, but we all know it isn't that easy to blog a long entry from a cell phone. So here's the long story of what happened last week. Last Saturday, I started having these sharp shooting pains that would not go away. It almost felt like my cervix so I started to get really worried, but then they went away so I relaxed a little and went to church the next day. At the end of the church service, I stood up to sing, and there they were again. I of course put myself on bedrest for the rest of the afternoon and night and called the on-call nurse who told me that it sounded like a UTI because I also had to pee frequently. The next morning, I called my sweet nurse, and she felt that we should come get an ultrasound and to get checked out. I really started to worry at this point as you can see in my post below. I called Shaun, and he immediately dropped what he was doing and picked me up at work. He knew better than to let me drive to the doctor's office by myself again (I found out about the loss of our first baby by myself at the doctor's office and somehow made it home). We were immediately called back for an ultrasound, and the tech could tell we were very scared. She did a transvaginal ultrasound first with the screen turned to her to "check the cervix length" while I knew she was checking the cervix...I also knew she would be looking to see if our baby still had a heartbeat. I kept looking desperately at her face for a reaction to know that everything was okay. Shaun was holding my hand so tight. And then she turned on the heartbeat...I think we all just took a nice big sigh. She then switched to the abdominal scan so that we could see the baby. And I know I'm partial, but oh my goodness...what a cutie. Both hands were by our baby's face, and we could see all five fingers on one hand. She even showed us baby's little feet, and they were crossed at the ankles. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see our baby so comfy in there...already displaying such a sweet personality. Shaun said in front of the ultrasound tech..."It's a girl, Courtney." I'm still thinking boy so it will be fun to find out soon who is right. I have the u/s pic right next to my desk, and I look at it all of the time. I love to count my baby's fingers. 1,2,3,4,5. I'm so amazed...what a miracle. Five perfect precious little fingers. I long for the day to feel those fingers tightly wrapped around mine. Most u/s pics are profile shots, but baby was looking right at us during the ultrasound. I hope all of you can tell what is going on in the pic. It is so much easier to see clearly as video, but we didn't have our dvd since it was an emergency. I ended up having to get a catheter to see how much urine was left in my bladder after I peed…ouch! Apparently my bladder was completely full during the ultrasound even though I just emptied it. My dr thinks that this could be contributing to my pain but he thinks that I could also be starting to get round ligament pain. I honestly think that was probably the pains now that I've read more about round ligament pain and have experienced a couple more episodes. As far as the bladder goes, I need to go to the bathroom every 2 hours, and they will keep a close eye on me for UTIs (urine looked great last time so hopefully it will stay that way). But I have to agree with my friend who replied to my everything is okay text..."woohoo...bring on the bladder issues...we want a baby...whew..thank the Lord."

Everything is Okay

I'm still at the dr's office, but we just had our ultrasound. Baby is kicked back...healthy and happy. Looks like it is a bladder issue because I just emptied my bladder before the ultrasound, and it was completely full during the exam. More details and pics to come later today.

Going to Dr...worried

Please pray for us. I had some sharp pains over the weekend in my cervix, and my nurse doesn't like the sound of the pain. We are going in at 10:30 central for an ultrasound. Please pray!

2nd OB Appt

It was such a wonderful feeling to get in the car on our way to our 2nd OB appointment. We didn't get to make it to the second appointment with Baby Faith so I was so excited to reach this milestone. There wasn't nearly as much anxiety with this appointment since we were blessed to hear baby's heartbeat on the doppler a couple days before our appointment. I did the normal check-in stuff and then headed over to look for a magazine to read while we waited. I didn't pick up Fit Pregnancy or Parents Magazine, I picked up...Conceive Magazine. I didn't want to read anything that could contain women complaining about pregnancy. I don't think I could stomach it. I don't feel comfortable in the mainstream view of pregnancy. For some reason, pregnancy is now celebrated as the time in your life where you can complain all of the time...and "it's all about you." Next to "What to Expect When Your Expecting" on the bookstore shelf is a book called "Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable." Everyone is constantly asking me how I'm feeling. I don't know what to say to them. Yes I'm tired, but I don't want to complain. I probably feel better than I have felt in at least a year. I don't have hot flashes, hormonal headaches, heartache, and constant worrying about follicles, timing, and what's next. I'm blessed. I love pregnancy. I love every second of carrying the miracle that God has given us, and it's not "all about me."
Okay done venting now...

After pointing out to Shaun how convenient the Gonal-F pen is compared to mixing all of those drugs (he was very impressed with the pen), we were called back. The nurse weighed me, asked me how I was feeling. and told us that "we are just going to listen to your belly today." She is so pleasant. I really appreciate nice nurses after my former not-so-nice OB nurse.

Courtney- "So how many pounds did I gain---2? 3??"
Nurse- "Ummm actually...looks like 6 pounds."
Courtney- "Oh wow okay."
Shaun- (huge smile on his face)
Apparently my sweet Shaun was proud of the weight gain.
Dr comes in....
Doctor-- "How are y'all doing??"
Shaun (immediately perks up)- "We are doing great!! She gained six pounds!!"
Doctor--(trying not to laugh) Well that's good!
Courtney- (laughed at my cute husband)

After just a minute or so of searching (Doctor: "Come on Peanut")...we heard our baby's heartbeat just beating away. Dr. said it was in the 160s, which according to him is just right. He told me that I could stop the progesterone whenever I wanted to, but I decided to decrease my dosage to once daily until next week (12 weeks).

Special Birthday Present

My 25th birthday was yesterday, and I got the most wonderful present...we heard sweet pea's heartbeat!! I decided to get the Doppler out again last night when I got home from work because I had a very full bladder. I searched and searched really low, and I was about to give up on finding it, but I decided to try several inches below my belly button in the center (a little higher), and there it was...the most wonderful sound!! I pressed the record button as soon as I heard it. Shaun was still at work so I called him and told him I had something to play for him. I could tell he was extremely excited and relieved to hear our baby's heartbeat. We have our second ob appt on Tuesday morning, but at least there won't be as much anxiety since we heard the heartbeat. I will admit now that not finding the heartbeat last week really got us both scared. Click below to hear sweet pea's heartbeat at 10w3d..172bpm.

Finally!

Hey Girls! I'm so happy to finally be able to post a few updates on what has been going on with us the past two weeks. My work computer won't let me post, and my home computer is currently broken so I'm very, very excited to get to blog. I'm 10 weeks now!! Can you believe it??!! I can't! Well I hope you enjoy the updates and belly shots below, and I will try to blog again really soon :).

9 Weeks

Not the best photo of me, but you can definitely see the bump in this picture. Wow!! 9 weeks :). Look how cute our baby looks now on the sidebar in the 3d thingy (awwwwwh!!). I'm still not comfortable with being a normal patient. I'm doing all that I can to just relax and enjoy every minute, but I think I would do a lot better with this if I didn't have to wait an ENTIRE month to see my doctor. At least we only have one week left until my appointment, I think I can make it. I also made a huge mistake last week which did not ease my fears in the slightest. I decided to rent a doppler. For those of you outside the IF community, you probably have never heard of this, and you think I'm crazy, but renting a doppler is a very common practice with women who are pregnant after infertility or loss. I unfortunately decided to order mine early...(are you surprised...remember me testing at 9 dpIUI??), and we couldn't find the heartbeat. We did think that we heard the sounds of the placenta, which sounds like wind whooshing through the trees, and maybe a couple fetal movements (maybe??) which was probably gas. Everyone on the WebMd boards assures me that it was way too early for my weak doppler and to try in a couple more weeks so I will at least wait until the day before my appt before I try again. I woke up at 3 AM that morning in a major panic, but I feel back asleep to a wonderful dream. We delivered a baby girl in the mall (strange I know), and I can't even begin to describe to you the feelings I had when I held her in my arms, and she opened her eyes for the first time. Then I gave her to Shaun, and she smiled so big when she heard his voice. I had this overwhelming feeling of protection for my daughter, and I remember not wanting very many people to hold her. I woke up feeling a little better, and I told Shaun that we needed to remember that there is a 95% chance (according to our dr) that we have a safe and healthy baby.

Update on symptoms: Finally starting to feel a little nauseous in the evenings...it is a very welcomed feeling. I also have what I like to call "pregnancy gag attacks." I think these started around 8 weeks. I will just be in the middle of a conversation feeling fine, and all of a sudden something will come over me, and I just gag...and it is the funniest sound. This also happens almost every time I brush my teeth now too. Shaun laughs every time I gag. I know that sounds really mean, but I have to laugh too because it sounds so funny. We both just love it when I have pregnancy symptoms. We are really having a lot of fun together lately. There is a lot of laughter in our home. I realized this weekend in the middle of block.buster while we were both acting silly just how much infertility was draining us. It feels really great to be myself again.

First Bump Photo: 8 weeks

This was New Year's Eve...If you look closely, you can see a little bump. I think the progesterone supps are making me show earlier, but I did show early with my first pregnancy, and I wasn't on progesterone with that pregnancy.



We had a great time at the New Year's party! I drank lots of sparkling white grape juice (I love that stuff) and cuddled up next to Shaun as much as possible (I've been a little clingy lately). I wanted to cry uncontrollably when we counted down to 2009, and we all toasted in the new year. 2008 was a very tough year, and it felt really good to say goodbye to 2008 with so many wonderful expectations for 09. The next day...we headed to Birmingham, AL to meet our newest little nephew, Noah and to give lots of attention to Noah's big brother James (15 months) to help with the transition. I know I'm very partial as an Aunt but let me just say that they are both absolutely adorable! It was a really great experience for us especially for Shaun to get to see the first couple days home from the hospital. I told my sister-in-law that it was like that TLC show Bringing Home Baby except that this was the LIVE Edition. It really made Shaun and I realize just how much we have left to learn! Shaun really paid close attention to everything and asked lots of questions (too cute). I also got to go to Motherhood with my Mom. It was a very special afternoon because we have both been looking forward to that day for a long time. We spent hours in that store, and we found a lot of cute clothes ;). Our favorite purchase was a black and white polka dot dress...I know it doesn't sound that cute but I have to admit that I love it, and I can't wait to wear it.

2008...Oh What a Year!

December 31, 2007- December was our first month trying again after our loss. Right around Christmas, I found out that my good friend on her first month trying was pregnant and at the same time I found out that I was not pregnant. I was incredibly happy for her, but my heart hurt for the baby that I lost. I was focusing so hard on getting pregnant again, but my true hurt was ringing in the new year without Baby Faith. She drank sparkling white grape juice...I drank several glasses of champagne. As we celebrated the New Year...I still felt hopeful on the surface that we would get pregnant easily, but deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 2008.

January 2008- Both of our birthdays our in January so we celebrated and hoped for the best...bfn.

February- My period came in the middle of the night, and I didn't have any naproxen (aleve) for the pain. I took some extra strength Tylenol and suffered through extreme pain throughout the night. I honestly believe that my pain was at the same or similar level of childbirth...yeah go ahead and laugh, but I know it had to be close. I called my gyn in the morning, and we went in to get an ultrasound to look for problems. U/S was clear, and my dr took a look at my temp charts (still long cycles with a short lp) and decided to prescribe me Clomid. I can't tell you how happy I was to get that Clomid prescription. I was so naive in thinking that a little clomid would fix all of our problems.
February also was my first meeting with a support group here in town. This was such an answer to prayer. I decided to ask for prayer about my loss and trying to get pregnant again during a bible study with my church girls and one of them worked with a girl who helped lead a bible study/support group for women with infertility or loss. She gave me her email and a couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of girls that knew all too well how I was feeling...there was an instant bond.


March- Our "miracle" drug didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate at a normal time. Uh-Oh! After researching, I realized I wasn't being closely followed enough and decided to make an appointment with a RE in town. We both really felt like God was leading us to Dr. H. and He definitely was...

April- The famous False Positive month. This month was one of the worst. You can click on the link for the full story. I took the test on a Sunday morning, and we were beyond thrilled. I pulled my good friend in the stairwell at church to tell her the news. She was pregnant at the time after a much harder journey, and we were so excited that God answered both of our prayers. The next day, I called her in tears to tell her that the bloodwork came back negative.

May- First appt with my RE. He wasn't the best at giving a lot of hope, but we did leave with a lot of info. He also found by looking at my temp charts that I was going to need progesterone supps at the end of each cycle. Next appointment revealed that my follicles didn't even grow...u/s two days later confirmed. Even the RE was confused with my young body having this response to meds. May 13th was our due date for Baby Faith, which made the month even harder.

Then I received an email for my good friend who I mentioned above, a follow-up ultrasound revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy that was not caught on previous scans...she was headed in for an emergency surgery. My heart broke for her, and I was so angry with God. Test confirmed later that she did have heteroectopic twins...one implanted in her uterus, the other in her tube. I went to go see after surgery, and I was just sick to my stomach that she would have to go through more pain. My anger at God grew stronger the more I let myself think about it on the way home. When we got home, I took a moment to breathe outside, and I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked up in the night sky. Written in cursive letters in the clouds were the letters "T-R-U-S-T." I yelled at Shaun to hurry outside. He also saw it and then the cloud immediately started to fade away. I look back on that night, and it is still so hard for me to believe that it actually happened. God was telling me to trust Him even in these incredibly hard circumstances that we will never understand...He has a plan.

June- One follicle actually decided to grow this cycle, and we had our first IUI on a very special Sunday morning, Father's Day. How is that for dramatic? I just knew it had to be the cycle. bfn.

July- Follicles didn't grow...lining was too thin to even think about trying. I decided to talk to Dr. H about the pain I was having with my periods. The first doctor who actually believed me and took my pain seriously!! We scheduled surgery for August. July was also my first time at baby therapy. I loved holding those babies in the newborn nursery. It calmed my heart to have such a beautiful reminder in my arms of why we were going through all of this.

August 11, 2008- Surgery day. Found Stage IIish Endometriois. I woke up so fast in recovery when I heard the resident say to the nurse "endometriosis." Dr. H came and talked with me and told me that I probably wouldn't remember our conversation...yeah right!! I was asking what stage and everything. Although, I did think that he told me I was an angel that might have still been the drugs lol.

September 25, 2008--the one year anniversary of our d&c. The anesthesiologist at the D&C told me not to worry that I would be back at the hospital around this time, and he would be giving me my epidural. Instead, I was not pregnant as not pregnant gets. IUI #2 failed.

October- IUI #3 failed. I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.

November- Let's get aggressive! After talking and praying with our pastor and an elder, Shaun and I felt comfortable moving on to injections. We were blown away that our insurance company agreed to pay for the meds...such a blessing from God. Do you know how many insurance companies cover anything involving infertility in Mississippi? Um yeah hardly any of them. Our RE was less than excited about starting an inj cycle because he was scared of multiples (he usually likes to move on straight to IVF), but he was willing to let us try a couple cycles.
Thanksgiving Day- We found out that God answered our prayers. I still can't get over that we found out on Thanksgiving day. I just felt like that was a special little sign that God was showing us how His plans our perfect.

So I raise my sparkling white grape juice glass to 2008...A year that showed me that God is in control even in the most difficult circumstances. May we all be able to trust Him more in 2009.

Ultrasound Video

We had our first regular ob appt today. It was so wonderful to feel like a normal pregnant patient. I was of course still nervous at this appointment but definitely not as much as our first ultrasound. The baby's heartbeat was a lot stronger today at 140 during the first ultrasound of the appointment and in the 130s during the second ultrasound of the appointment. Yes you read correctly...we got two ultrasounds today. The ultrasound tech forgot to put a dvd in to record the ultrasound so my sweet ob asked her to please give us another u/s at the end of our appointment. I'm so glad he asked us if we got a dvd because I felt too bad to bring it up to the tech when I realized that she forgot. I don't have another appointment until four weeks from now!! Do you know how long it has been since I've gone a month without seeing a doc? I'm a normal patient again...yay!! I hope I get to stay that way.

Our First Ultrasound

Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 3:30-4 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was a disaster. All of my fears and doubts got the best of me and all I could think about was what I was going to do if we got bad news. I prayed for God to take care of our baby and to give me peace, but then I would immediately go back to thinking the worst. Finally, I decided to make myself picture Shaun and I going to the hospital to deliver our baby in August. I was finally able to get a few more winks until Shaun woke me up around 6AM, and I practically jumped out of bed. This was pretty funny because I typically have to get dragged out of bed. I'm not a morning person. Shaun was so happy that he didn't have to tiptoe in the dark to get ready to run. I know a lot of people were praying for us because I felt at peace as I was getting ready to leave. On the ride to the hospital, we both stayed pretty quiet because there were really no words to say. I was doing okay until we pulled off our exit. I looked at Shaun and said, "Okay now I'm getting nervous." He admitted that he was also feeling a little nervous, but of course not as much as me. It was such a weird feeling walking through those double doors with my hand tucked around his arm…. Is this the last time we will ever walk through these doors together or is this only the beginning of more of the same? They immediately got us into an ultrasound room. Shaun and I found the perfect position where he could stand andhold my hand, and we could both see the flat panel monitor on the wall. Then it seemed like we had to wait for forever. Finally my sweet ultrasound tech came rushing through the door and said, "I'm sure you are ready for me to get in here." Then she asked us "Now are we sure we are going to be okay if we see more than one or more than two?" Shaun and I both emphatically replied "yes!" Then the moment came when she finally started the ultrasound. I could immediately see the sac, but I couldn't see a baby. It was a scary few moments. She kept looking around because I think she was expecting to see more than one. After realizing that there was only one baby, she zoomed in on the sac and that is when we both saw the baby. In that moment, an enormous amount of peace, relief, and joy came over me. Shaun and I were squeezing each other's hands so tight. There was our baby with a flickering heartbeat…it was twinkling away, and it was the most beautiful sight. And then she turned the Doppler on, and we heard our baby's heartbeat pounding so hard. It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound. I could listen to that sound all day long. When we left our clinic, we said our goodbyes and thanked all of the nurses and my doctor for being such sensitive caregivers. I hugged my good friend at the front desk who always had a smile for me. And then Shaun and I held each other close again as we walked through those same double doors. We will never forget the heartache and pain that we experienced in our journey to parenthood…it will forever change who we are…but as we left through those doors, we both realized that God has given us an incredible gift. Not only the gift of this baby He has created for us, but the gift of an overwhelming appreciation for the miracle of life and especially the miracle of our little one's life. I pray that was the last time we ever have to exit through those doors.

One more day...

Our first ultrasound is Wednesday morning! My emotions right now range from extremely excited to pretty much terrified. Wednesday is either going to be one of the best days of our lives or one of the worst. I can't imagine how fast my heart is going to beat waiting for that first reaction from the ultrasound tech. I still have my sore bbs and tired symptoms, but I still don't have any nausea :(. I was really hoping I would be hugging a toilet by now. I'm having a hard time blogging because it is impossible for me to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. Hopefully, I will have a beautiful video of our miracle baby to show all of you on Wednesday! Please pray for us.

Yawn.

The early pregnancy exhaustion definitely kicked in today. I've been tired for days, but this was the first day that I was struggling to make it through work. I heart feeling symptoms. I still press on my bbs all day long (when no one is looking of course) to make sure they are still hurting. I really hope that morning sickness starts to happen soon because that will make me feel so much better. My nurse did call me with my 3rd hcg draw yesterday, and it was 1,111! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday morning so just one more week until we get to see our baby! I'm still in absolute shock and amazement at what God has done for us.

Everything is Okay!

Oh no! I scared my blogger buddies with the title of my previous post! Please forgive me girls for making you worry for nothing.

Loss of Innocence

When we lost our dear sweet Baby Faith, we lost more than her precious life. We lost the innocence of pregnancy. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time. I have to be honest that as happy as I am right now....I'm equally scared. When I called for my second hcg results, my heart was beating so fast. The new nurse answered so sweet and bubbly and put me on hold to go get my results. When she came back to the phone, my heart probably stopped beating for a second until she told me that the number was 319 (doubling from the first hcg of 122). I let out the biggest "whew!" she's probably ever heard from a patient. "Were you nervous?" she asked obviously amused. I responded quickly with a big..."YES!!," which I thought would end her questioning. But then she actually asked me, "Did you have a reason
to be nervous?" I could have kept her on the phone for another hour explaining my reason(s) for being nervous, but instead...I laughed to myself at her innocence and my lack of it.
On a side note...thank you so much for all of the sweet and encouraging congrats! I can't put into words how much all of your comments have meant to me. Below is my hcg chart...I will have one more beta on Monday and then an ultrasound the following week!

A Thanksgiving Surprise!!!!!

God has answered our prayers and has blessed us with a miracle...we are pregnant!!! Thanksgiving morning, I took a digital test, and I really thought it was going to say "not pregnant." I placed the test on the nightstand, and my heart was beating so fast as I watched the hour glass flash on the test. All of a sudden, it was there...it said "Pregnant." My heart started to race even more as I turned over to look at Shaun next to me in bed. I don't think I could get a word out, and I was shaking like crazy. We could not believe our eyes. We couldn't even cry any tears because we were both so shocked. We prayed together and thanked God over and over for blessing us. I've taken like eight tests this weekend, and it is still hard to believe that I'm pregnant. My nurse called me with my first beta draw at lunch, and it was 122 (today is 14 DPIUI). Tonight was the first time I've cried...it was a mixture between laughing and sobbing at the same time because it is just starting to feel real. When I came home tonight, there was a big box wrapped in baby paper on the coffee table. In the box was the sweetest present I have ever gotten from my hubby...an incredibly soft pink plush blanket and pillow. Shaun said that he got it for me for my pregnancy couch rest...too cute. I'm walking around like I'm in a dream similar to how I felt on my wedding day. We know that we still have a long way to go especially with our history, but we have decided to celebrate each day that God has given us with our baby.

One week left

I think I need to re-read my post from yesterday. I'm usually fine the first week of the two week wait, but once the second week starts...I'm a disaster. Of course, I get to blame part of this on progesterone. It is so hard to wait. I can't really even put into words how much I hope this is it for us. Church was hard this morning. There were two babies born around the same time our baby should have been born, and I can't help but see them and think about how that should be us. There is another girl who is pregnant for the second time, and I remember being sad when she announced her first pregnancy(happy for her just sad for me). All of the couples from our sunday school class gather around the nursery doors to visit after they pick up their babies, and I can't help but feel so alone. Okay enough feeling sorry for myself! I'm so glad this week is Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will make the week go by faster.

Happily Ever After

I think one of the hardest parts of this journey through infertility is the unknown. Will my body respond to the medicine? Is this cycle “the one?” How many more months and just how much more heartache are we going to have to endure? Growing up, I loved fairy tales especially Cinderella. Poor Cinderella was in a very bad place in her life. Many tears were shed as she struggled through her circumstances. As a little reader, I was always sad for sweet Cinderella, but I was comforted knowing that there would be a happy ending for her. I knew she would live happily ever after. Cinderella dreamed of a better life, but I’m willing to bet that her happy ending was way better than she ever dreamed. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our happy ending. I know we are going to be parents. God has an amazing plan for our lives, and I have faith that He will give us children. And when that day comes, when we finally hold our baby in our arms, I know we will look back in amazement at how He has provided. If I tried to write my fairy tale story now, it would not even begin to compare to the story my Heavenly Father has written for me.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4th IUI pic now posted below...

IUI #4

Shaun was so cute last night. He told me that he was really "looking forward to tomorrow." It just made me so happy to hear that because I really love our IUI mornings too. This morning started off a little late because I kept hitting the snooze. It is already a big enough challenge for us to get ready, get the sample, and beat the morning traffic to get to our clinic at 8 am so when I saw we were running late I decided to not care. I have made a special effort to remain as relaxed as possible this cycle (you can thank my therapist for this new emphasis). So we got the sample..skipping some details..and we were on our way. Yall would crack up at me at how protective I am of our army of spermies in the cup. I keep the cup safely in the palm of my hand as I put my makeup on in the car with one hand (shaun is driving of course). And I proudly carry it into the clinic that way...no paper bag for me! After we dropped off the little guys, we headed over to mcdonalds to grab some breakfast (one of our favorite iui traditions). We got called back not long after we got back to the clinic. I had to laugh at my nurse because she asked me if it was okay if she did the IUI. I said "of course you've pretty much done all of them," and she said, "I know that's why I wanted to make sure it was okay with you and that you didn't want a change." She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her that I felt very fertile especially with all of this cm. Then I opened my big mouth and said "I mean Saturday was the best I have ever had." Well of course she got the wrong idea and thought I was talking about bding instead of cm...haha. It is very uncomfortable to laugh when a nurse is in your area trying to put a metal speculum in there. After the nurse left, Shaun praved over the IUI, and he prayed for a miracle. Then the nurse came in with Shaun's count, and this was his best yet at 187 million. And don't worry...we took a picture...I'm obviously not one for breaking traditions. I will try to post it tomorrow, but I'm still writing my blogs on my blackberry since my computer is broken.

Dr Appt Update

Well I'm so glad we switched to injectibles! I had an ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and today (cd 9), and it looks like we will have two to three follicles this cycle. My lining was also way thicker than it has ever been at 11! We are triggering tomorrow night and our IUI will be Monday morning. More to come soon...I'm having to blog on my blackberry because my home computer is broken. I'm still reading everyone's blog through google reader, but I'm not able to comment. So even though you might not hear from me...I'm pulling for all of you!

My First Injection Video

Well my first injection went okay. I'm still not sure if I did it right, and I was scared to death. I had Shaun record me for two reasons: 1. I knew if all of you would be watching this video that I would have to finally get up the nerve to go on with the shot and 2. B-roll -just in case we are the next Jon & Kate Plus 8 as my nurse made sure to warn me about at my injections lesson on Friday. My husband obviously does not do camera work for a living like I do so I'm sorry that most of this video is of my chest and my stomach roll. Warning--do not watch if needles make you queasy.

"Not Pregnant"

Did I mention how much I hate digital tests? Seeing "Not Pregnant" on a test is just too final and sad. Why can't they just say "Try Again", "Sorry," "No..darn it," or "Maybe Next Time?". Oh well girls! You know what this means...time to move on to injections. I remember thinking not that long ago that I would "never" give myself shots. Um yeah hand me that syringe...I'm ready...bring it on!

Emotional

It is hard to even explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm just plain tired...emotionally and physically. I'm sure the progesterone supps three times a day aren't helping. Eight straight months of fertility meds is getting to be too much. I'm scared of a negative result. Will I have the strength to move on to an even more aggressive treatment? I really feel ridiculous. I'm in my mid 20s and my daily life revolves around infertility treatments. How did we get to this place?

Counting the days!

I'm trying to stay extremely busy, but this two week wait is dragging! We did have a fun weekend including a pumpkin carving party on Friday night, a costume karaoke party on Saturday night, and a fall festival at our church tonight. But nothing can make your "ovaries cringe" (phrase my older brothers used to use when they were single to describe a girls reaction to them playing with babies e.g. "her ovaries were cringing" lol) more than all of these adorable babies in costume. Some of my favorites...a bunny, a monkey, a spider with his older brother who was spiderman, a pumpkin, and a bear. I can't help but hope that we will have a baby or two (!) this time next year.

IUI #3

IUI #3 went very smoothly! We had 139 million spermies! We enjoyed our traditions of going to breakfast while the sperm gets washed, praying over the IUI after the nurse leaves, and taking a picture. Everyone has been so optimistic about this cycle for us...family, friends, my RE and nurses, even some blogger friends, but I think it is just because everyone doesn't want us to have to go to the next step. I'm not as emotionally or physically drained as I was when I first started going to my RE with all of the appointments, meds, and new procedures...I know what to expect now, and I feel like I'm friends with everyone at my RE's clinic so it is just makes it easier. And the 2ww isn't as hard because I don't expect to be pregnant anymore, I will just be shocked if/when it does happen. It is probably my way of dealing with the disappointment, but it definitely helps the 2ww not to be so painful.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Well I think God is trying to show me who is in control, and it is definitely not me or my doctor. This morning I went back for an ultrasound, and my lining was thicker, fluid was gone, AND I had a 17 mm follicle! I am going to trigger Sunday night, and our IUI is Tuesday moning. My RE and I were both surprised. He told me that I can do injectibles next if I want to, but he is hoping I will get pregnant this time. I still believe my eoc theory in the post below is true, but I believe this is a fresh new follicle this time. Oh I hope this is the one!

Every Other Cycle Therory= Confirmed

I'm so glad y'all had fun testing your husband's ttc knowledge! I really enjoyed hearing back from all of you about all of the funny answers and the impressive scores that came from our fabulous hubbies.

I almost posted a blog entry about my Every Other Cycle Theory on Tuesday night, but I decided we could all benefit from a fun post (the quiz) so now let me explain my theory before I tell you how it was confirmed yesterday.

EOC Theory: The entire time I have been monitored by my RE, I've only had a mature follicle every other cycle. I would have one cycle where I would go in for several ultrasounds and my follicles wouldn't grow (everyone would scratch their heads). Then I would go back the next cycle, and I would all of a sudden have this nice big juicy follicle that was ready for the trigger on cd 11. The next cycle after the trigger, we would be back to a no-try tiny slow growing follicles again. My theory is that these "mature" follicles that we find on cd 11 are leftover from the previous cycle. My RE doesn't do cycle day 3 ultrasounds so this whole time I've been trying with leftover follicles a.k.a cysts.

Theory Confirmed: Yesterday my mid-cycle u/s once again showed tiny follicles and a very thin lining 5mm. Apparently when I have the hcg shot, it triggers ovulation so it doesn't leave any leftover follicles hence why I didn't have a big one this time. I decided to go ahead and share my theory with my nurse and my RE...and they actually both seemed to somewhat believe me. I also had fluid around one of my ovaries so I'm going back for another u/s tomorrow to check on the fluid and to talk more with my RE about the next step.

So What Now??: Well obviously Femara isn't working so we have to move on to either injectibles or IVF. My RE tries to skip the injectibles step because it has a higher rate of multiples, and it is not a cost effective option in his opinion. Well the good news is that I talked to my insurance company yesterday afternoon, and they will cover the injectible meds. Since they are covering the cost, I'm going to try to convince him to let us do at least 2 injectible cycles.

I will try to post another update tomorrow!

TTC Hubby Quiz

Shaun and I were talking the other day about how much he knows about the female reproductive system so I decided to give him an impromptu quiz. His answers definitely proved again my post below that I talk about this way too much! But since we got so many laughs out of it...I thought I would pass it on to all of you! Enjoy!

What Kind of TTC Hubby Are You?

1. Average number of days in a normal woman's cycle
2. Abbreviation for the urine tests that some women take daily before ovulation
3. First drug most doctors prescribe for infertility
4. Brand name of sperm friendly lubricant
5. First thing many ttc (trying to conceive) women do in the morning
6. Nickname for the hcg injection given to induce ovulation
7. 2ww stands for this
8. 2 common side effects of fertility meds
9. Name for spotting during very early pregnancy
10. IUI stands for this
11. The second half of a cycle after ovulation
12. Average length of that phase
13. IVF stands for this
14. Region of the body that the hcg injection is given
15. Measured during mid-cycle ultrasounds
16. Typical time length in hours between a hcg injection and an IUI
17. Acronym for pregnancy hormone
18. Hormone needed to support early pregnancy also known to cause PMS
19. Average day past ovulation that implantation would take place
20. The Big O
Answers below if you need them!

5 or less- "Spare Me the Details" Hubby--
The word "tampon" sends chills down your spine, and you do everything in your power to avoid talking about making a baby unless of course it has to do with sex. While your "manly" exterior is pretty cute at times, your wife needs you now more than ever to take a more active role.

6 to 10- "It Takes Two to Tango" Hubby--
You have surprised yourself with all of the knowledge you have absorbed from your wife's ttc talk. At first you tried to avoid the topic, but over time you have realized that it takes a strong partnership to make it through this tough time.

11-15- "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby--
You care so much about your sweet wife, and you do your very best to understand all of these medical procedures. Sometimes you get your medical info just a little confused, but you know an impressive amount, and you are on your way to dr status in the near future!

16-20- "Just Call Me Doc" Hubby--
From FSH to LH to HCG and anything in between, you know it all! In fact, you know more about the female reproductive system than the majority of females. You are a great listener, and you give shots with skill and precision.

Dr. Shaun scored a 16! I made the descriptions for the points before he took the quiz so I wasn't partial...I actually thought he was going to be the "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby...which he definitely is too :)

My mid-cycle u/s is tomorrow so I will post an update!

Answers to quiz: 1. 28; 2. OPK; 3. Clomid; 4. Pre-Seed; 5. Take temp; 6. Trigger shot; 7. Two Week Wait; 8. Hot flashes, moody, headaches, bloating...and more!; 9. Implantation Bleeding; 10. Intrauterine Insemination; 11. Luteal Phase; 12. 14 days; 13. In-Vitro Fertilization; 14. Butt; 15. Follicles and/or Uterine Lining; 16. 36 hours; 17. HCG; 18. Progesterone; 19. 7; 20. Ovulation (give your hubby the points if he put the other big o instead)

Support

God has blessed me with such an amazing support system through this time in my life. Early this spring, I was sharing in a small group through our church that I was really having a tough time with infertility/loss, and one of the girls in that group just happened to work with one of the leaders of a support group in town. She told me about the group and gave me her co-workers contact info. A couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of women who became my instant friends. I love everything about our group. We meet once a month at the home of the leader of our group, and we sit around the table and share a delicious dinner together. We usually just laugh and talk about life and then around dessert time we all go around the table and give our update for the month. Then we move over to the living room, and we discuss the chapter for that month out of the book that we are currently studying (right now we are doing "Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus...GREAT book..highly recommend it). My favorite part of the night and usually the most emotional time of the night is when we all hold hands and pray for each other. It is such a powerful time, and you can really feel God's presence. We usually leave around ten because we don't rush at all since we only see each other once a month.
My other support group is all of my wonderful WebMd girls and blogger buddies...I can't get over all of the kind words, encouragement, and prayers that I get from all of you. Even today, I was surprised and completely honored at what one of my webmd friends did for me. http://magaliesgarden.blogspot.com/2008/10/hope-sewing-and-sowing.html
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." Psalm 126:5

And I'm sure one of my best blogger buddies will teach me how to make a link on my blog...still haven't figured that out yet! Just wanted to let all of you know how much I appreciate you!

Quote of the Weekend

Saturday Evening
Court: (sees that spot has arrived) YES!!
Shaun: What? Implantation bleeding??
Court: (shocked that he knows what that is) What did you say??
Shaun: Implantation bleeding
Court: (laughs) wow! I really do talk about this too much!

The sad part is that not only did my darling husband know that term, but he was actually making a joke because he knows the typical time period that implantation takes place.

Update from my "Little Less Talk" post:
Wow..it is really hard!! Shaun picked up on it right away. We went to our fav lunch spot on saturday, and this adorable little blonde baby was right next to us answering her parents. "What does a snake say?" "Ssssssss.". It was very cute, but not only did I not comment on it...I tried to pretend that I didn't hear it. Shaun called me out right away, and he said that he could tell that I was pretending not to hear it. He knows me too well! I love my hubby! I am going to continue to try "a little less talk" this cycle, and I'm hoping like the country song "for a lot more action.". And I mean pregnancy action, not where some of your minds are going!

A Little Less Talk

I have let infertility consume my life. It is all I think about and pretty much all I talk about these days,and I am sick of it. I have let myself get away with this for months now because I kept telling myself that this would be over soon. This latest bfn has made me realize now more than ever that I have got to start living my life. I don't know that it is going to be this month or even this time next year. My most wonderful sweet husband has put up with so much of my ttc talk. I honestly do not know how he still listens to it. So I'm done...I'm done talking. I am not going to talk about anything ttc or baby related. I will continue to blog because I will definitely still need to vent. This is going to be so hard, but this is what I need.

Negative.

12 dpo this morning, and I woke up to a stark white negative-as-negative-can-get pregnancy test. I know what y'all are going to say that it might be too early. I really just don't think this is it for us. I will test again on Friday, and then I will stop the progesterone supps to get my period. I have a lot more to say, but I will have to save it for another blog because I am late for work!!

Dear Baby Faith

Dear Baby Faith,
The moment that I saw two lines on a pregnancy test my life changed forever because on that day I found out that I was your mom, and I couldn't believe that God would bless us with such a precious miracle. I loved every second of my time with you. My favorite day was when we actually saw you on an ultrasound and heard your sweet heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound. Your daddy was also completely smitten with you. One night, when your dad came home from work, I heard a sound and asked him "what is that sound??" He pulled out his cellphone from his pocket and told me that he was listening to your heartbeat on the way home from work over the speakers in his truck. You have the best dad in this entire world. It was on this day a year ago that we found out that you were gone to Heaven. I have missed you so much, and I love you with all of my heart. I can't wait for the day that I will get to rock you in Heaven.
Love you,
Mom

IUI #2

IUI #2 went very well this morning! (I'm not saying "peace" in the pic by the way..I'm saying yay for IUI #2) After delivering our specimen, we had 45 minutes to get some breakfast so we went to a great breakfast place by the hospital for a quick bite. Here I am enjoying my last meal as a non-pregnant person (please take note of my positive/hopeful attitude)



When we got back to the office, we only had to wait about five more minutes and then they called us back. Shaun's sperm report was great! 150 million after wash! It was a little akward this time because the nurse practitioner was teaching the new young nurse how to do an IUI, but it was a lot less painful than last time so I was happy. After the nurses left, Shaun said a really sweet prayer, and we had a great time laughing and talking while I stayed somewhat still on the table. We actually had such a fun time that we lost track of time, and the nurse had to come in to tell us it was time to go. I told Shaun this morning on the way that I liked the little traditions that we are starting with the our IUI days like going to breakfast..etc. And he said..."traditions? I don't want to make this a tradition! I want to have a baby!." I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, we have to celebrate these little baby steps along the way!

We Get to TRY!

YAY!! U/S was great yesterday! We have a follicle! 21 mm on my right side on cycle day 11! So Dr. Shaun gave me my hcg shot last night. Let me just brag on my husband for a second, he is amazing at giving shots. I can't even feel them! We go in for our IUI on Friday morning so please pray!

Hopeful

Last night was my last double dosage of femara for this cycle. I did have more side effects than I typically experience on 2.5mg...mainly just some killer headaches (having one right now...ouch) and a couple hot flashes. But who cares?? if I actually have some follicles this time! I go back on Wednesday to get my mid-cycle ultrasound. I'm hoping of course for at least one big follicle and a nice thick lining. If it all looks good, then Dr. Shaun will give me the hcg trigger shot wed. night with his excellent shot giving skills, and we will be back in the office two days later for our IUI. I'm feeling hopeful today..not necessarily that this cycle is going to be "the one," but I'm just resting in knowing that I am going to be a mom someday. I was telling Shaun the other day that I don't want to be like the bride that plans and plans for her wedding day, but doesn't plan for her marriage. I don't want to spend hours and hours thinking about getting pregnant without letting this valley in my life make me a better mom. Lately I have really felt that God has been trying to encourage me through babies and toddlers. Last wednesday night, some of us from our sunday school class went out with the youth to play ultimate. The other two couples had toddlers, but one of the moms wanted to play, and I didn't so I helped keep the little ones. This little boy was super shy, but at the end of the night, he all of a sudden wanted me to pick him up. I patted his back, and he gave me the biggest hugs and cuddled with me. He was even calling me "mama" lol. Then we sat down on the grass and watched his parents, and the other little girl decided to plop down on my lap too. God sent those hugs from above...I really needed them that night. Then we were eating lunch after church today, and Shaun pointed out this adorable little girl..probably only a little over a year old. She was sooo cute! Next thing I know out of all the people in the restaurant, she ran over to me and just looked up at me and smiled for the longest time. Oh!! and some great news that I forgot to report is that we got back our statement from our insurance company, and they paid 100% of my surgery..almost 10,000. We thought we were going to have to pay at least 2,000.

9 Years Together

Today Shaun and I celebrated 9 years together. We started dating on 9-9-99 so it was obviously very easy for us to remember that date! Shaun surprised me by making dinner reservations at a really nice restaurant in town. I just thought we were going to celebrate over our usual cereal dinner, but he made plans...so romantic and sweet!! I was thinking back today about what a major crush I had on him 9 years ago...(he was the oh-so-hot new football player at our high school). Back then I just couldn't get over it that he wanted to be MY boyfriend, and now 9 years later...I'm still amazed at how truly blessed I am to call him MY husband, and I definitely still have a major crush on him.

Done with Progesterone!

Well at least for now. I am so relieved! I hate to blame my emotions and out-of-control frustration/anger/hormonal rages on meds, but let's face it...I'm just not myself on the progesterone supps. I'm going out-of-town with my hubby this weekend for one night, and I think it will be really good for us to get away! I just really need to be myself again...I know y'all understand.

Negative.

Well obviously my morning didn't get off to a great start. The test was negative. Today was a sad day, but I'm trying to remember that this was just my first ovulation after surgery. I'm starting over...right?? We have a new plan of action for this next cycle which includes doubling my meds, multiple ultrasounds, hcg trigger shot, and an IUI followed by 3 x daily prog supps. Really the only "new" part of the plan is the doubling of the meds, but I'm happy to be getting back to baby attempting at the dr's office. It is hard to continue to take the prog supps, but since today is 11 or 12 dpo, I need to at least wait until I test again on 14 dpo before I stop them.

And the countdown begins....

10 dpo today. I'm trying to hold off until Thursday (13 dpo) to test. I would list all of the pregnancy symptoms that I'm having right now, but I will spare all of you since it also happens to be the same symptoms that are listed on the Endometrin prog supps patient pamplet. And since I'm currently taking prog supps 3 times a day right now...I really think there is no way to tell!

Do I have....

a cyst?? I keep having this nagging pain around my left ovary for the past two days. I didn't have an ultrasound at my appt so I have no idea what is going on in there. Could it be a corpus luteum cyst? It just keeps getting worse, and I'm so bloated all of a sudden. weird.

Emotional Day

I cried all the way home from work today. I blame it on the wide range of emotions I felt all day and of course--progesterone.

Anxious- Woke up this morning feeling anxious for my friend who was being induced at 5 AM, and anxious for my appt to see what in the world my RE was going to say.

Sad- Sad that I had to go to my appt alone because my husband can't get away from his work these days (which I don't blame him for)

Stressed- Stressed with traffic trying to get to the RE's office by 8 AM

Hopeful-Appt went really well with Dr. H...He went over all of my pics from surgery, and we both talked about how happy we are that we did the surgery. He wants to double my meds this next cycle to 5 mg Femara. Oh and he was pleased that I ovulated. He said "maybe you will be pregnant" with a big smile on his face.

Stressed- Back to work in a rush to finish as much as I could in the shortest amount of time so that I would have time to see my friend at the hospital.

Calm- Held a brand new baby girl this morning at baby therapy...she was only 3 hours old, and she loved being held close. I also talked with an Indian woman who is a grandmother of one of the babies who shared with me that she lost two babies, and she just kept saying "this is such a blessing, such a blessing" because they didn't have any medical care in India when she lost her two boys. And although we didn't have a lot in common, we immediately bonded over our love for our lost babies and our appreciation for the little miracles in that room.

Excited- After baby therapy, I texted my friend to see if she was up for a visit. She wanted me to come over so I saw her for a minute and then her dr came in to check her so of course I left. Her husband came out a couple minutes later and handed me the video camera and said "you aren't going anywhere...she is 9!!" I couldn't believe it!! She had a great, fast labor. It was so special to see the dad come out with his sweet baby boy. He was so proud, and the baby was adorable!! Very emotional moment for me. I can't believe 9 months ago that I was confirming that she was pregnant by checking out the lines, and now a healthy baby is here.

So that is why I found myself crying all the way home. I actually just turned all the lights out and went to bed at 6 PM...had a good cry and nap, and I'm feeling better now.

And now we wait....

Two week waits are always the hardest for me. But for some reason, I don't feel like this 2ww is going to be as hard...probably because I would be absolutely shocked if we got pregnant right after surgery. My post-op appt is on Tuesday. I really can't wait to hear what my RE has to say about my surgery and our new plan of action. He told Shaun several times after the surgery that he wanted him to be there so that makes me feel like he is going to have a big talk with us. What do you think he is going to say?? injectibles??
TRIGGS ahead...I'm looking forward to tonight. We are going out with some couples for pizza and then bowling. The bowling is really random, but we are trying anything to help my good friend, Jessica, to go into labor. I thought this might be a hard time for me, but I'm really just so excited. Not that I'm at all taking credit for this baby, but I did help her figure out how to time everything and even gave her some pre-seed. She got pregnant the first cycle they tried. Maybe I have a future in NFP/TTC classes...wouldn't that be ironic??

What??!!

A positive opk like a normal girl??!! I wish I could type more, but I'm going to be kinda busy tonight.