2008...Oh What a Year!

December 31, 2007- December was our first month trying again after our loss. Right around Christmas, I found out that my good friend on her first month trying was pregnant and at the same time I found out that I was not pregnant. I was incredibly happy for her, but my heart hurt for the baby that I lost. I was focusing so hard on getting pregnant again, but my true hurt was ringing in the new year without Baby Faith. She drank sparkling white grape juice...I drank several glasses of champagne. As we celebrated the New Year...I still felt hopeful on the surface that we would get pregnant easily, but deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 2008.

January 2008- Both of our birthdays our in January so we celebrated and hoped for the best...bfn.

February- My period came in the middle of the night, and I didn't have any naproxen (aleve) for the pain. I took some extra strength Tylenol and suffered through extreme pain throughout the night. I honestly believe that my pain was at the same or similar level of childbirth...yeah go ahead and laugh, but I know it had to be close. I called my gyn in the morning, and we went in to get an ultrasound to look for problems. U/S was clear, and my dr took a look at my temp charts (still long cycles with a short lp) and decided to prescribe me Clomid. I can't tell you how happy I was to get that Clomid prescription. I was so naive in thinking that a little clomid would fix all of our problems.
February also was my first meeting with a support group here in town. This was such an answer to prayer. I decided to ask for prayer about my loss and trying to get pregnant again during a bible study with my church girls and one of them worked with a girl who helped lead a bible study/support group for women with infertility or loss. She gave me her email and a couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of girls that knew all too well how I was feeling...there was an instant bond.


March- Our "miracle" drug didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate at a normal time. Uh-Oh! After researching, I realized I wasn't being closely followed enough and decided to make an appointment with a RE in town. We both really felt like God was leading us to Dr. H. and He definitely was...

April- The famous False Positive month. This month was one of the worst. You can click on the link for the full story. I took the test on a Sunday morning, and we were beyond thrilled. I pulled my good friend in the stairwell at church to tell her the news. She was pregnant at the time after a much harder journey, and we were so excited that God answered both of our prayers. The next day, I called her in tears to tell her that the bloodwork came back negative.

May- First appt with my RE. He wasn't the best at giving a lot of hope, but we did leave with a lot of info. He also found by looking at my temp charts that I was going to need progesterone supps at the end of each cycle. Next appointment revealed that my follicles didn't even grow...u/s two days later confirmed. Even the RE was confused with my young body having this response to meds. May 13th was our due date for Baby Faith, which made the month even harder.

Then I received an email for my good friend who I mentioned above, a follow-up ultrasound revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy that was not caught on previous scans...she was headed in for an emergency surgery. My heart broke for her, and I was so angry with God. Test confirmed later that she did have heteroectopic twins...one implanted in her uterus, the other in her tube. I went to go see after surgery, and I was just sick to my stomach that she would have to go through more pain. My anger at God grew stronger the more I let myself think about it on the way home. When we got home, I took a moment to breathe outside, and I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked up in the night sky. Written in cursive letters in the clouds were the letters "T-R-U-S-T." I yelled at Shaun to hurry outside. He also saw it and then the cloud immediately started to fade away. I look back on that night, and it is still so hard for me to believe that it actually happened. God was telling me to trust Him even in these incredibly hard circumstances that we will never understand...He has a plan.

June- One follicle actually decided to grow this cycle, and we had our first IUI on a very special Sunday morning, Father's Day. How is that for dramatic? I just knew it had to be the cycle. bfn.

July- Follicles didn't grow...lining was too thin to even think about trying. I decided to talk to Dr. H about the pain I was having with my periods. The first doctor who actually believed me and took my pain seriously!! We scheduled surgery for August. July was also my first time at baby therapy. I loved holding those babies in the newborn nursery. It calmed my heart to have such a beautiful reminder in my arms of why we were going through all of this.

August 11, 2008- Surgery day. Found Stage IIish Endometriois. I woke up so fast in recovery when I heard the resident say to the nurse "endometriosis." Dr. H came and talked with me and told me that I probably wouldn't remember our conversation...yeah right!! I was asking what stage and everything. Although, I did think that he told me I was an angel that might have still been the drugs lol.

September 25, 2008--the one year anniversary of our d&c. The anesthesiologist at the D&C told me not to worry that I would be back at the hospital around this time, and he would be giving me my epidural. Instead, I was not pregnant as not pregnant gets. IUI #2 failed.

October- IUI #3 failed. I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.

November- Let's get aggressive! After talking and praying with our pastor and an elder, Shaun and I felt comfortable moving on to injections. We were blown away that our insurance company agreed to pay for the meds...such a blessing from God. Do you know how many insurance companies cover anything involving infertility in Mississippi? Um yeah hardly any of them. Our RE was less than excited about starting an inj cycle because he was scared of multiples (he usually likes to move on straight to IVF), but he was willing to let us try a couple cycles.
Thanksgiving Day- We found out that God answered our prayers. I still can't get over that we found out on Thanksgiving day. I just felt like that was a special little sign that God was showing us how His plans our perfect.

So I raise my sparkling white grape juice glass to 2008...A year that showed me that God is in control even in the most difficult circumstances. May we all be able to trust Him more in 2009.

Ultrasound Video

We had our first regular ob appt today. It was so wonderful to feel like a normal pregnant patient. I was of course still nervous at this appointment but definitely not as much as our first ultrasound. The baby's heartbeat was a lot stronger today at 140 during the first ultrasound of the appointment and in the 130s during the second ultrasound of the appointment. Yes you read correctly...we got two ultrasounds today. The ultrasound tech forgot to put a dvd in to record the ultrasound so my sweet ob asked her to please give us another u/s at the end of our appointment. I'm so glad he asked us if we got a dvd because I felt too bad to bring it up to the tech when I realized that she forgot. I don't have another appointment until four weeks from now!! Do you know how long it has been since I've gone a month without seeing a doc? I'm a normal patient again...yay!! I hope I get to stay that way.

Our First Ultrasound

Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 3:30-4 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was a disaster. All of my fears and doubts got the best of me and all I could think about was what I was going to do if we got bad news. I prayed for God to take care of our baby and to give me peace, but then I would immediately go back to thinking the worst. Finally, I decided to make myself picture Shaun and I going to the hospital to deliver our baby in August. I was finally able to get a few more winks until Shaun woke me up around 6AM, and I practically jumped out of bed. This was pretty funny because I typically have to get dragged out of bed. I'm not a morning person. Shaun was so happy that he didn't have to tiptoe in the dark to get ready to run. I know a lot of people were praying for us because I felt at peace as I was getting ready to leave. On the ride to the hospital, we both stayed pretty quiet because there were really no words to say. I was doing okay until we pulled off our exit. I looked at Shaun and said, "Okay now I'm getting nervous." He admitted that he was also feeling a little nervous, but of course not as much as me. It was such a weird feeling walking through those double doors with my hand tucked around his arm…. Is this the last time we will ever walk through these doors together or is this only the beginning of more of the same? They immediately got us into an ultrasound room. Shaun and I found the perfect position where he could stand andhold my hand, and we could both see the flat panel monitor on the wall. Then it seemed like we had to wait for forever. Finally my sweet ultrasound tech came rushing through the door and said, "I'm sure you are ready for me to get in here." Then she asked us "Now are we sure we are going to be okay if we see more than one or more than two?" Shaun and I both emphatically replied "yes!" Then the moment came when she finally started the ultrasound. I could immediately see the sac, but I couldn't see a baby. It was a scary few moments. She kept looking around because I think she was expecting to see more than one. After realizing that there was only one baby, she zoomed in on the sac and that is when we both saw the baby. In that moment, an enormous amount of peace, relief, and joy came over me. Shaun and I were squeezing each other's hands so tight. There was our baby with a flickering heartbeat…it was twinkling away, and it was the most beautiful sight. And then she turned the Doppler on, and we heard our baby's heartbeat pounding so hard. It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound. I could listen to that sound all day long. When we left our clinic, we said our goodbyes and thanked all of the nurses and my doctor for being such sensitive caregivers. I hugged my good friend at the front desk who always had a smile for me. And then Shaun and I held each other close again as we walked through those same double doors. We will never forget the heartache and pain that we experienced in our journey to parenthood…it will forever change who we are…but as we left through those doors, we both realized that God has given us an incredible gift. Not only the gift of this baby He has created for us, but the gift of an overwhelming appreciation for the miracle of life and especially the miracle of our little one's life. I pray that was the last time we ever have to exit through those doors.

One more day...

Our first ultrasound is Wednesday morning! My emotions right now range from extremely excited to pretty much terrified. Wednesday is either going to be one of the best days of our lives or one of the worst. I can't imagine how fast my heart is going to beat waiting for that first reaction from the ultrasound tech. I still have my sore bbs and tired symptoms, but I still don't have any nausea :(. I was really hoping I would be hugging a toilet by now. I'm having a hard time blogging because it is impossible for me to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. Hopefully, I will have a beautiful video of our miracle baby to show all of you on Wednesday! Please pray for us.

Yawn.

The early pregnancy exhaustion definitely kicked in today. I've been tired for days, but this was the first day that I was struggling to make it through work. I heart feeling symptoms. I still press on my bbs all day long (when no one is looking of course) to make sure they are still hurting. I really hope that morning sickness starts to happen soon because that will make me feel so much better. My nurse did call me with my 3rd hcg draw yesterday, and it was 1,111! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday morning so just one more week until we get to see our baby! I'm still in absolute shock and amazement at what God has done for us.

Everything is Okay!

Oh no! I scared my blogger buddies with the title of my previous post! Please forgive me girls for making you worry for nothing.

Loss of Innocence

When we lost our dear sweet Baby Faith, we lost more than her precious life. We lost the innocence of pregnancy. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time. I have to be honest that as happy as I am right now....I'm equally scared. When I called for my second hcg results, my heart was beating so fast. The new nurse answered so sweet and bubbly and put me on hold to go get my results. When she came back to the phone, my heart probably stopped beating for a second until she told me that the number was 319 (doubling from the first hcg of 122). I let out the biggest "whew!" she's probably ever heard from a patient. "Were you nervous?" she asked obviously amused. I responded quickly with a big..."YES!!," which I thought would end her questioning. But then she actually asked me, "Did you have a reason
to be nervous?" I could have kept her on the phone for another hour explaining my reason(s) for being nervous, but instead...I laughed to myself at her innocence and my lack of it.
On a side note...thank you so much for all of the sweet and encouraging congrats! I can't put into words how much all of your comments have meant to me. Below is my hcg chart...I will have one more beta on Monday and then an ultrasound the following week!

A Thanksgiving Surprise!!!!!

God has answered our prayers and has blessed us with a miracle...we are pregnant!!! Thanksgiving morning, I took a digital test, and I really thought it was going to say "not pregnant." I placed the test on the nightstand, and my heart was beating so fast as I watched the hour glass flash on the test. All of a sudden, it was there...it said "Pregnant." My heart started to race even more as I turned over to look at Shaun next to me in bed. I don't think I could get a word out, and I was shaking like crazy. We could not believe our eyes. We couldn't even cry any tears because we were both so shocked. We prayed together and thanked God over and over for blessing us. I've taken like eight tests this weekend, and it is still hard to believe that I'm pregnant. My nurse called me with my first beta draw at lunch, and it was 122 (today is 14 DPIUI). Tonight was the first time I've cried...it was a mixture between laughing and sobbing at the same time because it is just starting to feel real. When I came home tonight, there was a big box wrapped in baby paper on the coffee table. In the box was the sweetest present I have ever gotten from my hubby...an incredibly soft pink plush blanket and pillow. Shaun said that he got it for me for my pregnancy couch rest...too cute. I'm walking around like I'm in a dream similar to how I felt on my wedding day. We know that we still have a long way to go especially with our history, but we have decided to celebrate each day that God has given us with our baby.

One week left

I think I need to re-read my post from yesterday. I'm usually fine the first week of the two week wait, but once the second week starts...I'm a disaster. Of course, I get to blame part of this on progesterone. It is so hard to wait. I can't really even put into words how much I hope this is it for us. Church was hard this morning. There were two babies born around the same time our baby should have been born, and I can't help but see them and think about how that should be us. There is another girl who is pregnant for the second time, and I remember being sad when she announced her first pregnancy(happy for her just sad for me). All of the couples from our sunday school class gather around the nursery doors to visit after they pick up their babies, and I can't help but feel so alone. Okay enough feeling sorry for myself! I'm so glad this week is Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will make the week go by faster.

Happily Ever After

I think one of the hardest parts of this journey through infertility is the unknown. Will my body respond to the medicine? Is this cycle “the one?” How many more months and just how much more heartache are we going to have to endure? Growing up, I loved fairy tales especially Cinderella. Poor Cinderella was in a very bad place in her life. Many tears were shed as she struggled through her circumstances. As a little reader, I was always sad for sweet Cinderella, but I was comforted knowing that there would be a happy ending for her. I knew she would live happily ever after. Cinderella dreamed of a better life, but I’m willing to bet that her happy ending was way better than she ever dreamed. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our happy ending. I know we are going to be parents. God has an amazing plan for our lives, and I have faith that He will give us children. And when that day comes, when we finally hold our baby in our arms, I know we will look back in amazement at how He has provided. If I tried to write my fairy tale story now, it would not even begin to compare to the story my Heavenly Father has written for me.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4th IUI pic now posted below...

IUI #4

Shaun was so cute last night. He told me that he was really "looking forward to tomorrow." It just made me so happy to hear that because I really love our IUI mornings too. This morning started off a little late because I kept hitting the snooze. It is already a big enough challenge for us to get ready, get the sample, and beat the morning traffic to get to our clinic at 8 am so when I saw we were running late I decided to not care. I have made a special effort to remain as relaxed as possible this cycle (you can thank my therapist for this new emphasis). So we got the sample..skipping some details..and we were on our way. Yall would crack up at me at how protective I am of our army of spermies in the cup. I keep the cup safely in the palm of my hand as I put my makeup on in the car with one hand (shaun is driving of course). And I proudly carry it into the clinic that way...no paper bag for me! After we dropped off the little guys, we headed over to mcdonalds to grab some breakfast (one of our favorite iui traditions). We got called back not long after we got back to the clinic. I had to laugh at my nurse because she asked me if it was okay if she did the IUI. I said "of course you've pretty much done all of them," and she said, "I know that's why I wanted to make sure it was okay with you and that you didn't want a change." She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her that I felt very fertile especially with all of this cm. Then I opened my big mouth and said "I mean Saturday was the best I have ever had." Well of course she got the wrong idea and thought I was talking about bding instead of cm...haha. It is very uncomfortable to laugh when a nurse is in your area trying to put a metal speculum in there. After the nurse left, Shaun praved over the IUI, and he prayed for a miracle. Then the nurse came in with Shaun's count, and this was his best yet at 187 million. And don't worry...we took a picture...I'm obviously not one for breaking traditions. I will try to post it tomorrow, but I'm still writing my blogs on my blackberry since my computer is broken.

Dr Appt Update

Well I'm so glad we switched to injectibles! I had an ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and today (cd 9), and it looks like we will have two to three follicles this cycle. My lining was also way thicker than it has ever been at 11! We are triggering tomorrow night and our IUI will be Monday morning. More to come soon...I'm having to blog on my blackberry because my home computer is broken. I'm still reading everyone's blog through google reader, but I'm not able to comment. So even though you might not hear from me...I'm pulling for all of you!

My First Injection Video

Well my first injection went okay. I'm still not sure if I did it right, and I was scared to death. I had Shaun record me for two reasons: 1. I knew if all of you would be watching this video that I would have to finally get up the nerve to go on with the shot and 2. B-roll -just in case we are the next Jon & Kate Plus 8 as my nurse made sure to warn me about at my injections lesson on Friday. My husband obviously does not do camera work for a living like I do so I'm sorry that most of this video is of my chest and my stomach roll. Warning--do not watch if needles make you queasy.

"Not Pregnant"

Did I mention how much I hate digital tests? Seeing "Not Pregnant" on a test is just too final and sad. Why can't they just say "Try Again", "Sorry," "No..darn it," or "Maybe Next Time?". Oh well girls! You know what this means...time to move on to injections. I remember thinking not that long ago that I would "never" give myself shots. Um yeah hand me that syringe...I'm ready...bring it on!

Emotional

It is hard to even explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm just plain tired...emotionally and physically. I'm sure the progesterone supps three times a day aren't helping. Eight straight months of fertility meds is getting to be too much. I'm scared of a negative result. Will I have the strength to move on to an even more aggressive treatment? I really feel ridiculous. I'm in my mid 20s and my daily life revolves around infertility treatments. How did we get to this place?

Counting the days!

I'm trying to stay extremely busy, but this two week wait is dragging! We did have a fun weekend including a pumpkin carving party on Friday night, a costume karaoke party on Saturday night, and a fall festival at our church tonight. But nothing can make your "ovaries cringe" (phrase my older brothers used to use when they were single to describe a girls reaction to them playing with babies e.g. "her ovaries were cringing" lol) more than all of these adorable babies in costume. Some of my favorites...a bunny, a monkey, a spider with his older brother who was spiderman, a pumpkin, and a bear. I can't help but hope that we will have a baby or two (!) this time next year.

IUI #3

IUI #3 went very smoothly! We had 139 million spermies! We enjoyed our traditions of going to breakfast while the sperm gets washed, praying over the IUI after the nurse leaves, and taking a picture. Everyone has been so optimistic about this cycle for us...family, friends, my RE and nurses, even some blogger friends, but I think it is just because everyone doesn't want us to have to go to the next step. I'm not as emotionally or physically drained as I was when I first started going to my RE with all of the appointments, meds, and new procedures...I know what to expect now, and I feel like I'm friends with everyone at my RE's clinic so it is just makes it easier. And the 2ww isn't as hard because I don't expect to be pregnant anymore, I will just be shocked if/when it does happen. It is probably my way of dealing with the disappointment, but it definitely helps the 2ww not to be so painful.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Well I think God is trying to show me who is in control, and it is definitely not me or my doctor. This morning I went back for an ultrasound, and my lining was thicker, fluid was gone, AND I had a 17 mm follicle! I am going to trigger Sunday night, and our IUI is Tuesday moning. My RE and I were both surprised. He told me that I can do injectibles next if I want to, but he is hoping I will get pregnant this time. I still believe my eoc theory in the post below is true, but I believe this is a fresh new follicle this time. Oh I hope this is the one!

Every Other Cycle Therory= Confirmed

I'm so glad y'all had fun testing your husband's ttc knowledge! I really enjoyed hearing back from all of you about all of the funny answers and the impressive scores that came from our fabulous hubbies.

I almost posted a blog entry about my Every Other Cycle Theory on Tuesday night, but I decided we could all benefit from a fun post (the quiz) so now let me explain my theory before I tell you how it was confirmed yesterday.

EOC Theory: The entire time I have been monitored by my RE, I've only had a mature follicle every other cycle. I would have one cycle where I would go in for several ultrasounds and my follicles wouldn't grow (everyone would scratch their heads). Then I would go back the next cycle, and I would all of a sudden have this nice big juicy follicle that was ready for the trigger on cd 11. The next cycle after the trigger, we would be back to a no-try tiny slow growing follicles again. My theory is that these "mature" follicles that we find on cd 11 are leftover from the previous cycle. My RE doesn't do cycle day 3 ultrasounds so this whole time I've been trying with leftover follicles a.k.a cysts.

Theory Confirmed: Yesterday my mid-cycle u/s once again showed tiny follicles and a very thin lining 5mm. Apparently when I have the hcg shot, it triggers ovulation so it doesn't leave any leftover follicles hence why I didn't have a big one this time. I decided to go ahead and share my theory with my nurse and my RE...and they actually both seemed to somewhat believe me. I also had fluid around one of my ovaries so I'm going back for another u/s tomorrow to check on the fluid and to talk more with my RE about the next step.

So What Now??: Well obviously Femara isn't working so we have to move on to either injectibles or IVF. My RE tries to skip the injectibles step because it has a higher rate of multiples, and it is not a cost effective option in his opinion. Well the good news is that I talked to my insurance company yesterday afternoon, and they will cover the injectible meds. Since they are covering the cost, I'm going to try to convince him to let us do at least 2 injectible cycles.

I will try to post another update tomorrow!

TTC Hubby Quiz

Shaun and I were talking the other day about how much he knows about the female reproductive system so I decided to give him an impromptu quiz. His answers definitely proved again my post below that I talk about this way too much! But since we got so many laughs out of it...I thought I would pass it on to all of you! Enjoy!

What Kind of TTC Hubby Are You?

1. Average number of days in a normal woman's cycle
2. Abbreviation for the urine tests that some women take daily before ovulation
3. First drug most doctors prescribe for infertility
4. Brand name of sperm friendly lubricant
5. First thing many ttc (trying to conceive) women do in the morning
6. Nickname for the hcg injection given to induce ovulation
7. 2ww stands for this
8. 2 common side effects of fertility meds
9. Name for spotting during very early pregnancy
10. IUI stands for this
11. The second half of a cycle after ovulation
12. Average length of that phase
13. IVF stands for this
14. Region of the body that the hcg injection is given
15. Measured during mid-cycle ultrasounds
16. Typical time length in hours between a hcg injection and an IUI
17. Acronym for pregnancy hormone
18. Hormone needed to support early pregnancy also known to cause PMS
19. Average day past ovulation that implantation would take place
20. The Big O
Answers below if you need them!

5 or less- "Spare Me the Details" Hubby--
The word "tampon" sends chills down your spine, and you do everything in your power to avoid talking about making a baby unless of course it has to do with sex. While your "manly" exterior is pretty cute at times, your wife needs you now more than ever to take a more active role.

6 to 10- "It Takes Two to Tango" Hubby--
You have surprised yourself with all of the knowledge you have absorbed from your wife's ttc talk. At first you tried to avoid the topic, but over time you have realized that it takes a strong partnership to make it through this tough time.

11-15- "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby--
You care so much about your sweet wife, and you do your very best to understand all of these medical procedures. Sometimes you get your medical info just a little confused, but you know an impressive amount, and you are on your way to dr status in the near future!

16-20- "Just Call Me Doc" Hubby--
From FSH to LH to HCG and anything in between, you know it all! In fact, you know more about the female reproductive system than the majority of females. You are a great listener, and you give shots with skill and precision.

Dr. Shaun scored a 16! I made the descriptions for the points before he took the quiz so I wasn't partial...I actually thought he was going to be the "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby...which he definitely is too :)

My mid-cycle u/s is tomorrow so I will post an update!

Answers to quiz: 1. 28; 2. OPK; 3. Clomid; 4. Pre-Seed; 5. Take temp; 6. Trigger shot; 7. Two Week Wait; 8. Hot flashes, moody, headaches, bloating...and more!; 9. Implantation Bleeding; 10. Intrauterine Insemination; 11. Luteal Phase; 12. 14 days; 13. In-Vitro Fertilization; 14. Butt; 15. Follicles and/or Uterine Lining; 16. 36 hours; 17. HCG; 18. Progesterone; 19. 7; 20. Ovulation (give your hubby the points if he put the other big o instead)

Support

God has blessed me with such an amazing support system through this time in my life. Early this spring, I was sharing in a small group through our church that I was really having a tough time with infertility/loss, and one of the girls in that group just happened to work with one of the leaders of a support group in town. She told me about the group and gave me her co-workers contact info. A couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of women who became my instant friends. I love everything about our group. We meet once a month at the home of the leader of our group, and we sit around the table and share a delicious dinner together. We usually just laugh and talk about life and then around dessert time we all go around the table and give our update for the month. Then we move over to the living room, and we discuss the chapter for that month out of the book that we are currently studying (right now we are doing "Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus...GREAT book..highly recommend it). My favorite part of the night and usually the most emotional time of the night is when we all hold hands and pray for each other. It is such a powerful time, and you can really feel God's presence. We usually leave around ten because we don't rush at all since we only see each other once a month.
My other support group is all of my wonderful WebMd girls and blogger buddies...I can't get over all of the kind words, encouragement, and prayers that I get from all of you. Even today, I was surprised and completely honored at what one of my webmd friends did for me. http://magaliesgarden.blogspot.com/2008/10/hope-sewing-and-sowing.html
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." Psalm 126:5

And I'm sure one of my best blogger buddies will teach me how to make a link on my blog...still haven't figured that out yet! Just wanted to let all of you know how much I appreciate you!

Quote of the Weekend

Saturday Evening
Court: (sees that spot has arrived) YES!!
Shaun: What? Implantation bleeding??
Court: (shocked that he knows what that is) What did you say??
Shaun: Implantation bleeding
Court: (laughs) wow! I really do talk about this too much!

The sad part is that not only did my darling husband know that term, but he was actually making a joke because he knows the typical time period that implantation takes place.

Update from my "Little Less Talk" post:
Wow..it is really hard!! Shaun picked up on it right away. We went to our fav lunch spot on saturday, and this adorable little blonde baby was right next to us answering her parents. "What does a snake say?" "Ssssssss.". It was very cute, but not only did I not comment on it...I tried to pretend that I didn't hear it. Shaun called me out right away, and he said that he could tell that I was pretending not to hear it. He knows me too well! I love my hubby! I am going to continue to try "a little less talk" this cycle, and I'm hoping like the country song "for a lot more action.". And I mean pregnancy action, not where some of your minds are going!

A Little Less Talk

I have let infertility consume my life. It is all I think about and pretty much all I talk about these days,and I am sick of it. I have let myself get away with this for months now because I kept telling myself that this would be over soon. This latest bfn has made me realize now more than ever that I have got to start living my life. I don't know that it is going to be this month or even this time next year. My most wonderful sweet husband has put up with so much of my ttc talk. I honestly do not know how he still listens to it. So I'm done...I'm done talking. I am not going to talk about anything ttc or baby related. I will continue to blog because I will definitely still need to vent. This is going to be so hard, but this is what I need.

Negative.

12 dpo this morning, and I woke up to a stark white negative-as-negative-can-get pregnancy test. I know what y'all are going to say that it might be too early. I really just don't think this is it for us. I will test again on Friday, and then I will stop the progesterone supps to get my period. I have a lot more to say, but I will have to save it for another blog because I am late for work!!

Dear Baby Faith

Dear Baby Faith,
The moment that I saw two lines on a pregnancy test my life changed forever because on that day I found out that I was your mom, and I couldn't believe that God would bless us with such a precious miracle. I loved every second of my time with you. My favorite day was when we actually saw you on an ultrasound and heard your sweet heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound. Your daddy was also completely smitten with you. One night, when your dad came home from work, I heard a sound and asked him "what is that sound??" He pulled out his cellphone from his pocket and told me that he was listening to your heartbeat on the way home from work over the speakers in his truck. You have the best dad in this entire world. It was on this day a year ago that we found out that you were gone to Heaven. I have missed you so much, and I love you with all of my heart. I can't wait for the day that I will get to rock you in Heaven.
Love you,
Mom

IUI #2

IUI #2 went very well this morning! (I'm not saying "peace" in the pic by the way..I'm saying yay for IUI #2) After delivering our specimen, we had 45 minutes to get some breakfast so we went to a great breakfast place by the hospital for a quick bite. Here I am enjoying my last meal as a non-pregnant person (please take note of my positive/hopeful attitude)



When we got back to the office, we only had to wait about five more minutes and then they called us back. Shaun's sperm report was great! 150 million after wash! It was a little akward this time because the nurse practitioner was teaching the new young nurse how to do an IUI, but it was a lot less painful than last time so I was happy. After the nurses left, Shaun said a really sweet prayer, and we had a great time laughing and talking while I stayed somewhat still on the table. We actually had such a fun time that we lost track of time, and the nurse had to come in to tell us it was time to go. I told Shaun this morning on the way that I liked the little traditions that we are starting with the our IUI days like going to breakfast..etc. And he said..."traditions? I don't want to make this a tradition! I want to have a baby!." I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, we have to celebrate these little baby steps along the way!

We Get to TRY!

YAY!! U/S was great yesterday! We have a follicle! 21 mm on my right side on cycle day 11! So Dr. Shaun gave me my hcg shot last night. Let me just brag on my husband for a second, he is amazing at giving shots. I can't even feel them! We go in for our IUI on Friday morning so please pray!

Hopeful

Last night was my last double dosage of femara for this cycle. I did have more side effects than I typically experience on 2.5mg...mainly just some killer headaches (having one right now...ouch) and a couple hot flashes. But who cares?? if I actually have some follicles this time! I go back on Wednesday to get my mid-cycle ultrasound. I'm hoping of course for at least one big follicle and a nice thick lining. If it all looks good, then Dr. Shaun will give me the hcg trigger shot wed. night with his excellent shot giving skills, and we will be back in the office two days later for our IUI. I'm feeling hopeful today..not necessarily that this cycle is going to be "the one," but I'm just resting in knowing that I am going to be a mom someday. I was telling Shaun the other day that I don't want to be like the bride that plans and plans for her wedding day, but doesn't plan for her marriage. I don't want to spend hours and hours thinking about getting pregnant without letting this valley in my life make me a better mom. Lately I have really felt that God has been trying to encourage me through babies and toddlers. Last wednesday night, some of us from our sunday school class went out with the youth to play ultimate. The other two couples had toddlers, but one of the moms wanted to play, and I didn't so I helped keep the little ones. This little boy was super shy, but at the end of the night, he all of a sudden wanted me to pick him up. I patted his back, and he gave me the biggest hugs and cuddled with me. He was even calling me "mama" lol. Then we sat down on the grass and watched his parents, and the other little girl decided to plop down on my lap too. God sent those hugs from above...I really needed them that night. Then we were eating lunch after church today, and Shaun pointed out this adorable little girl..probably only a little over a year old. She was sooo cute! Next thing I know out of all the people in the restaurant, she ran over to me and just looked up at me and smiled for the longest time. Oh!! and some great news that I forgot to report is that we got back our statement from our insurance company, and they paid 100% of my surgery..almost 10,000. We thought we were going to have to pay at least 2,000.

9 Years Together

Today Shaun and I celebrated 9 years together. We started dating on 9-9-99 so it was obviously very easy for us to remember that date! Shaun surprised me by making dinner reservations at a really nice restaurant in town. I just thought we were going to celebrate over our usual cereal dinner, but he made plans...so romantic and sweet!! I was thinking back today about what a major crush I had on him 9 years ago...(he was the oh-so-hot new football player at our high school). Back then I just couldn't get over it that he wanted to be MY boyfriend, and now 9 years later...I'm still amazed at how truly blessed I am to call him MY husband, and I definitely still have a major crush on him.

Done with Progesterone!

Well at least for now. I am so relieved! I hate to blame my emotions and out-of-control frustration/anger/hormonal rages on meds, but let's face it...I'm just not myself on the progesterone supps. I'm going out-of-town with my hubby this weekend for one night, and I think it will be really good for us to get away! I just really need to be myself again...I know y'all understand.

Negative.

Well obviously my morning didn't get off to a great start. The test was negative. Today was a sad day, but I'm trying to remember that this was just my first ovulation after surgery. I'm starting over...right?? We have a new plan of action for this next cycle which includes doubling my meds, multiple ultrasounds, hcg trigger shot, and an IUI followed by 3 x daily prog supps. Really the only "new" part of the plan is the doubling of the meds, but I'm happy to be getting back to baby attempting at the dr's office. It is hard to continue to take the prog supps, but since today is 11 or 12 dpo, I need to at least wait until I test again on 14 dpo before I stop them.

And the countdown begins....

10 dpo today. I'm trying to hold off until Thursday (13 dpo) to test. I would list all of the pregnancy symptoms that I'm having right now, but I will spare all of you since it also happens to be the same symptoms that are listed on the Endometrin prog supps patient pamplet. And since I'm currently taking prog supps 3 times a day right now...I really think there is no way to tell!

Do I have....

a cyst?? I keep having this nagging pain around my left ovary for the past two days. I didn't have an ultrasound at my appt so I have no idea what is going on in there. Could it be a corpus luteum cyst? It just keeps getting worse, and I'm so bloated all of a sudden. weird.

Emotional Day

I cried all the way home from work today. I blame it on the wide range of emotions I felt all day and of course--progesterone.

Anxious- Woke up this morning feeling anxious for my friend who was being induced at 5 AM, and anxious for my appt to see what in the world my RE was going to say.

Sad- Sad that I had to go to my appt alone because my husband can't get away from his work these days (which I don't blame him for)

Stressed- Stressed with traffic trying to get to the RE's office by 8 AM

Hopeful-Appt went really well with Dr. H...He went over all of my pics from surgery, and we both talked about how happy we are that we did the surgery. He wants to double my meds this next cycle to 5 mg Femara. Oh and he was pleased that I ovulated. He said "maybe you will be pregnant" with a big smile on his face.

Stressed- Back to work in a rush to finish as much as I could in the shortest amount of time so that I would have time to see my friend at the hospital.

Calm- Held a brand new baby girl this morning at baby therapy...she was only 3 hours old, and she loved being held close. I also talked with an Indian woman who is a grandmother of one of the babies who shared with me that she lost two babies, and she just kept saying "this is such a blessing, such a blessing" because they didn't have any medical care in India when she lost her two boys. And although we didn't have a lot in common, we immediately bonded over our love for our lost babies and our appreciation for the little miracles in that room.

Excited- After baby therapy, I texted my friend to see if she was up for a visit. She wanted me to come over so I saw her for a minute and then her dr came in to check her so of course I left. Her husband came out a couple minutes later and handed me the video camera and said "you aren't going anywhere...she is 9!!" I couldn't believe it!! She had a great, fast labor. It was so special to see the dad come out with his sweet baby boy. He was so proud, and the baby was adorable!! Very emotional moment for me. I can't believe 9 months ago that I was confirming that she was pregnant by checking out the lines, and now a healthy baby is here.

So that is why I found myself crying all the way home. I actually just turned all the lights out and went to bed at 6 PM...had a good cry and nap, and I'm feeling better now.

And now we wait....

Two week waits are always the hardest for me. But for some reason, I don't feel like this 2ww is going to be as hard...probably because I would be absolutely shocked if we got pregnant right after surgery. My post-op appt is on Tuesday. I really can't wait to hear what my RE has to say about my surgery and our new plan of action. He told Shaun several times after the surgery that he wanted him to be there so that makes me feel like he is going to have a big talk with us. What do you think he is going to say?? injectibles??
TRIGGS ahead...I'm looking forward to tonight. We are going out with some couples for pizza and then bowling. The bowling is really random, but we are trying anything to help my good friend, Jessica, to go into labor. I thought this might be a hard time for me, but I'm really just so excited. Not that I'm at all taking credit for this baby, but I did help her figure out how to time everything and even gave her some pre-seed. She got pregnant the first cycle they tried. Maybe I have a future in NFP/TTC classes...wouldn't that be ironic??

What??!!

A positive opk like a normal girl??!! I wish I could type more, but I'm going to be kinda busy tonight.

The Old-Fashioned Way

Since this is the surgery cycle, we are just trying this month the old-fashioned way. Yep this month is all about getting back to the basics. We won't be giving several updates on the measurements of our follies after several personal ultrasounds; Dr. Shaun will not be giving me a shot in my butt; I won't be giving a butt-load of blood for testing; And a nurse will not be in the room when we try to conceive. Yes just good old-fashioned baby attempting (we all know we can't call it baby making--who are we kidding). I did take my meds this cycle (femara 2.5), and I am trying to track to see if I am going to ovulate with my opks. I'm on cd 12 today, and I'm starting to see what I think is a darkening pattern. It would be so wonderful if I could actually get a positive tomorrow or the next day. A girl can dream...right??

A New Day

"Tomorrow is a new day"--it was my Mom's favorite thing to say to me when I was growing up...But it was hard to still apply that advice while walking through the valley of infertility because there are very few opportunities in infertility that you get a fresh start or a "new day." As I was recovering from surgery, I received a voicemail from my sister-in-law. She encouraged me to think of this as a new day...a fresh start. I smiled so big when I got her message because I knew that it is what God wanted me to hear. Today is a new day. God has answered our prayers by giving us answers. All of what we have been through the past 2 1/2 years can be explained by this disease. As I waited for surgery alone at that scary point after you say bye to family, but before they roll you into surgery, I prayed for God to give us answers and to heal my body. Then I began to sing "Great is Thy faithfulness" in my head. God is in control of my body and my fertility, and He is faithful. Now here comes the amazing part. The day after surgery, my friend Laura, emailed me the verse below that her friend had just shared with her that day. I know this came from the Lord.

"And the LORD will continually guide you, And satisfy your desire in scorched places, And give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." -- Isaiah 58:11


"And the LORD will continually guide you.."
Looking back over this journey, we can see God's hand through all of the decisions, circumstances that have taken place. He has guided us to this surgery, and He will continue to guide us as we make more decisions about treatments.

The Lord will..."satisfy your desire in scorched places..."
As some of you may know, surgeons remove endometriosis by using a fine heat gun or laser to remove the endo so I now have many scorched places. I pray that He will satisfy my desire in scorched places.

"And give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."
I have often felt like my body has "failed" me but that is simply not true. God is in control of my body, and He has given me infertility for a purpose. I will rest in knowing that He is going to heal me and that He will give me the strength to get through this and that someday I will be "like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

Surgery Update

First of all... I'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense because I'm on some major pain meds right now..lol! The surgery went very well. My RE found Stage Two Endometriosis on both of my ovaries and the back side of my uterus, and he was able to remove most of the endometriosis. It feels good to at least have some answers now. Shaun and I will meet with our doctor at the post-op to discuss our fertility treatment options, and I will know a lot more after that appointment. Got to get back in bed....big hugs and more details to come soon...

Surgery Eve

Bowel prep=not fun
Now I'm starting to get nervous. What are we going to find out tomorrow? What if he finds nothing? My biggest fear for this surgery except of course major complications is that my RE will find absolutely nothing wrong. I really think only my IF buddies are going to be able to understand that fear. Please pray. Please pray that we will find some answers tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at 7AM, and I will try to post something tomorrow afternoon.

Surgery is.........

scheduled for Monday morning!! I'm so relieved that the wait is over and that hopefully we will get some answers soon.

Follow-Up on Baby Therapy

I'm so excited that so many of you were inspired by my Baby Therapy post. I just know that this was God given. The idea never left my head until I finally called, and the day that I called..the orientation was hours away. Here are some tips if you are interested in doing this in your hometown:
1. Call each hospital in town and ask for "volunteer services"--you can just call the main switchboard number
2. Once you get in touch with someone in the volunteer dept., you will need to tell them that you are interested in volunteering at the woman's/infant hospital (might be good to already have the name googled)
3. They should transfer you to the volunteer coordinator for that part of the hospital.
4. Be open about dealing with infertility...."Yes I was calling to see if you had any need for volunteers in the newborn nursery. I've been dealing with infertility OR I've been seeing Dr.____ there at _____ hospital for infertility (that's what I got to say because my dr practices there), and I would really love the opportunity to help out in any way that I can." It has really helped the process that my volunteer coordinator knows about what is going on with me so that she can be sensitive and encouraging. I also think she has really enjoyed giving me the opportunity to hold babies because she knows how much it means to me.
5. Try a lower-income/state hospital first--I know this is sad, but they might be more open to it because some times they have more birth mothers at this type of hospital that for whatever reason can't make it to the hospital very often to see/hold their babies

Please keep me updated if any of you decide to try it in your hometown. Some of you have expressed concern that you might get emotional. Believe me those nurses have seen a million tears and have probably cried their fair share so don't let that hold you back if you are interested in volunteering.

P.S. Need a laugh?? read the post from today: http://eternitytomaternity.blogspot.com/

Baby Therapy

Today was my first day as a volunteer in the newborn nursery at a local hospital, and it was amazing. This all started at the beginning of the summer when I decided to call the hospital to see if they needed volunteers to hold babies and to my surprise...she said yes and that the orientation was later that night. A couple fingerprints, a background check, and a TB test later, I was cleared to become a volunteer. After getting my badge today, the volunteer coordinator showed me how to do the three minute scrub down. Then, I put on a long sleeve yellow robe with an open back, and she brought me into the nursery. Most of the babies were in the little plastic mini-cribs, but some were still in incubators. This nursery is where the babies from nicu are placed once they are well enough to leave the nicu, but they aren't well enough to go home yet. My first baby was a sweet black baby boy...precious. I rocked him for probably 30 minutes. He liked to keep one of his hands untucked from his swaddle so that he could make sure that his paci didn't fall out. And then a baby started crying so I put my first baby down, changed my gown, washed up again, and held a sweet black baby girl. She had a little heart monitor on her foot so I had to move my chair over to her station to hold her. She was funny because she wanted to check out who was holding her, but she was only willing to open one eye. I can't describe to you how blessed I feel to have the opportunity to hold these little miracles. I miss them already!

Disturbed

I just don't feel right....I don't know what it is?? I feel very anxious like something bad is going to happen. Maybe it is just the Provera doing crazy things to me. I hate this feeling. I'm pretty sure it is the Provera so don't worry. On a much lighter note, I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed Shaun's comment from the other night. I was hoping it wasn't one of those.."youhadtobethere" moments.

Quote of the Day

Shaun and Courtney are watching a reality show on a relaxing Friday night.
Announcer: "They lived in a small town with a population of 1700"
Shaun: (not really watching) What??? Oh!! I thought she said ovulation
Courtney: (laughs out loud and thinks to herself..what have I done to my poor husband?)

Interesting Week

Monday--came down with an awful cold
Monday evening--girl ran into the back of my car, and the stinkin girl left the scene of the accident (hit and run)
Tuesday--8:00AM with the insurance adjuster
really felt sick...bad cold
Wednesday--actually feeling a lot better today, had tons of EWCM so I decided to take a opk for fun (yes I know this is sad), and it was positive on cd 25. So now my body wants to ovulate (sorry body...you are just a little too late)

at least I had a nice weekend...see Saturday's post

I'm NOT over it

I sometimes like to think that I'm "over it"..the whole pregnancy thing, but who am I kidding. I went to a chick flick on Friday night with my about-to-pop friend, Jessica (the really sweet one that I threw the shower for). After the movie, the entire theater of women of course went straight to the bathroom. I happened to be in front of her in line, and when a stall became available I started to head for it and then realized that I was being really rude.
"oh sorry jessica, you go ahead."
"oh no, you go...i just went..."
I proceed to the restroom
"But I have to go again!!"
Immediate burst of knowing laughs (way louder then probably anyone laughed in the entire movie)
For some reason I wanted to sit on the toilet and cry. I want to know what it feels like to carry a baby. I want to be able to burst into "knowing" laughter. I'm not "over it", but my desire to be a mother is much, much stronger than my desire to experience the "joys" of pregnancy. Lord turn these empty arms into open arms..ready to receive the miracle you have in store for us.

Finally

I heart wine.

Courtney for Dummies

While celebrating my TAB cycle with Shaun in B&N with a delicious Cafe Mocha from Starbucks in hand, I wandered (of course) into the women's health section. I picked up a few books about infertility to read including a book called "Endometriosis for Dummies." I started out reading "A Few Good Eggs", which was very funny, but Dr. Court was dying to get into the medical information so I put the entertaining book down and got back to business with my endo book. By page 10, I was hooked...it was quite a page turner because it was describing me...exactly me...the book title might as well have been "Courtney for Dummies." All of my crazy infertility symptoms...they can all be explained by this disease. Let me just list a few:
Luteal Phase Defect
Problems with Follicular Development
Ovulatory Dysfunction
Destruction of Ovarian Tissue (which would in turn cause a higher fsh)
Bowel problems (sorry TMI)
Extremely painful cramps
Miscarriage
Hypogycemia (low blood sugar)
I honestly could not even believe every single symptom was in this book. I of course bought the book, and I pretty much hugged the book all the way home. It felt so good to know that we might be getting close to at least finally having some answers. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I can't wait for my surgery!

Not This Cycle

My ultrasound today confirmed that this cycle is a no-try cycle. My follicles were still itty bitty, and my lining was so thin the ultrasound tech had a hard time finding anything to measure. So on to surgery next month! I think I'm actually going to enjoy a break. It will be nice not to feel like a crazy person on prog supps and not to have to wonder.."am I pregnant?" Bring on the coffee and wine and anything else pregnant people aren't supposed to drink or eat!

Google Me

Top Five Best Google Search Engine Queries to this blog:
5. "things to do during 2ww" and "how to pamper yourself 2ww"--I know...the 2ww sucks doesn't it??
4. "im having a tuff time getting pregnant"-I feel ya honey!
3. "warm bath after iui"- Ummmm...not a good idea.
2. "progesterone supps foamy pee"- I've had a lot of symptoms on the prog supps, but not that one!! Could just be some of the supps coming out, but you might need to get checked for a UTI.
And the number one query.....
1. "Spermies!"- Well apparently you are just as excited about spermies as I am! I heart your use of an exclamation point in a google search.

If you were one of the google searches to make the top five...don't feel bad! I have googled way crazier things!

Dr. Appt Update

Well it looks like my uterus has finally had enough! Fifth cycle of meds and my lining is super thin (4 mm). My follicles also did not cooperate...I have a couple, but they are only 11,11,11, and 13. I'm going back on Friday to see if the little follies have grown or if my uterus has decided to cooperate. I finally got to express my concerns about my pain (mainly around af) to my doctor, and he immediately brought up lap surgery. He said that my symptoms sound like I could have endometriosis, and we will only know by taking a look inside through surgery. I told him that I am all for surgery because I would rather do it first, then spend all of the $$$ and then decide we need to do surgery. Unfortunately the OR is booked for Friday so we will have to schedule the surgery for August. I am actually okay because I just knew my follies were going to be little. I would have fallen off the table if the tech told me I had a big one this time. I have a funny blog coming tomorrow to lighten the mood!

Where Do I Start?

Well girls.....it has been an interesting week. I feel like I need to write 10 posts to catch all of you up on what is going on right now, but I will just have to try to summarize. But before I begin, I just want to thank all of you for your support, encouragement, and most importantly-prayers. This was the most difficult bfn I have ever received, and it meant the world to me that all of you were there for me. So why was this bfn the hardest? For a couple reasons, but I think the biggest reason was because I got my hopes up...really up.
1. First time I have ever ovulated on time (cd 13)
2. 35 Progesterone number
3. IUI Procedure- actually trying at the RE's office.
4. Progesterone suppositories made me absolutely crazy this past
2ww--or at least I can blame it on them (I think b/c I already had a naturally higher progesterone number...my body had way too much prog).
5. Faint positives on hpts 14 days past trigger

So I have mourned the loss of that cycle, and it is time for a new cycle! I will have my first mid-cycle ultrasound on Tuesday so let's all hope for a big follicle!!

Now on to the really big development this week---I have felt for at least a month that we needed to talk to our pastor in more detail about our problems. Every Sunday, I kept looking for a time when not too many people were around so I could talk to him, but there was never a good time. But this past Sunday, the crowds parted, and there he was... all by himself (I wonder if that has ever happened). So I practically ran over there to talk to him.
"Hey Courtney! How is your summer going?"
"Not good." (already started crying that was all I could get out)
"What's wrong?"
I leaned in as if I was going to tell him a deep, shameful secret...
"Infertility." (that is all I could say...pitiful).
"I want to pray with you and Shaun."
So I finally got Shaun to stop talking (he is a talker...especially at church), and our pastor asked us to come up to his office. I wish all of you could have the opportunity to sit on that red loveseat and spill your guts. My pastor is a great listener, and he really took time to understand what we have been through the past two years. He completely agrees with medical intervention and treatment for infertility just like any other disease. He also said that even though God can always make a miracle happen God doesn't ask us to ignore medical facts or statistics. But he surprised us both at his advice..."I want the two of you to start praying about pursuing adoption now." I can't even describe to you what it felt like to hear those words. I think the best way to describe it is....relief. I looked at Shaun, and I could just see it in his eyes. God has been working on our hearts for months and months, but for the first time, we both seriously started considering the blessing of adoption. Adoption is not right for everyone, but it might be right for us. I always try to take control of my infertility but as much as I try I can't do anything...I'm left with empty arms. But I don't want empty arms, I want open arms. I'm praying that God will get our hearts ready to open our arms to the blessing He has in store for us. More to come....

The "Perfect Cycle"....

unfortunately ended with a big fat no. I kept getting faint positives on my fav brand of pregnancy tests (first response) even 14 days after the hcg trigger shot so my RE's nurses wanted me to come in for b/w on Friday. I was freakishly calm up until the point that I walked out of the office doors and left my blood behind. All of a sudden it hit me that I had made a huge mistake. I thought I was going to be strong, but I lost it. I was overwhelmed with fear of hearing the nurse say those dreaded words and especially the day before the baby shower at my house. Well two hours later, I heard those dreaded words and once again I lost it (hcg was only 1.9). I met Shaun for lunch, but I was too emotional to go inside to eat so we drove my car over to Arby's and sat in the parking lot. I told him that I wanted to quit (which I knew wasn't true the moment it came out of my mouth), and he assured me that he was not going to let me give up because he knows how much we both want a baby. Somehow I was able to finish the rest of my work day, and then I had to go over to wal-mart and other stores to get all of my baby shower supplies. It was a pitiful sight. I'm sure I looked like a sad little lost puppy as I wondered the aisles of the baby section. I bought little hats, onesies, booties, pacifiers...all in our green and brown color scheme for my fireplace mantle clothes line (turned out really cute by the way). Late that night...I finished all of the decorations, and I actually had a good night's sleep. I think I had a lot of IF buddies praying for me this morning because I woke up with such a peace about the shower, and I had a wonderful time rejoicing with my friend. Thank you for all of your prayers and support...I'm truly blessed to know all of you even if I only know some of you through the blogger world.

A Tough Day

In this infertility journey, I have good days (ex: finding out I have a big follicle), normal days (ex: constantly thinking about ttc), bad days (ex: when my friend thought I should be the first person she should call to tell me that she is pregnant and that she is NOT happy about it--by the way she knows my story), and tough days (ex: when I feel like I'm going crazy and I've hit rock bottom). Today was a tough day. I'm 10dpo today, and I woke up this morning hoping for a positive pregnancy test. Well they were both bfns so I just got back in bed. I could not get out of bed to go to work. I finally made myself get up, and I looked at the tests (past the time limit of course) and they were both positive. My guess is that there is still some lingering pregnancy hormone from my hcg trigger shot, which caused the tests to turn positive after the time limit. I really think the main reason why I was crazy upset is these progesterone supps that I am taking. They are making me feel extremely tired and emotional. I must remind myself that God is faithful and that He has amazing plans for us.

POAS Experiment

So the plan for this morning was to take a test to make sure that the hcg from my trigger was out of my system. I'm 9dpIUI today and 11 days post trigger so I thought it would be gone by now. Well the pregnancy test turned positive so I guess I still have some of the shot left! It sure was fun to see two lines, but I know it is most likely from the meds so I can't get too excited yet. I am going to test tomorrow morning to see if the line shows up darker and faster....please, please, please. This is when the 2ww gets really intense. My heart is going to be beating so fast tomorrow morning. But for now...I am going to get on the couch and stay there for the rest of the night. The progesterone supps are making me extremely tired so I need some couch time. yawn.

Praying for my little one

7dpIUI (seven days past IUI)...today would most likely be the day that if God decided to give us a baby this month that our sweet little one would be implanting in my womb. This is also always the point in every cycle when I start to feel pregnant, and I walk around as if I'm a 9 month pregnant woman in such a tender state. Believe me...I have the waddle down; I smell things that Shaun can't even smell; I crave Mexican food and hamburgers; I marvel at how big my boobs get in just a couple days; I cry at the most ridiculous things on television. I also find myself praying for my little one just in case I am pregnant. I don't want to miss out on precious time praying for my baby. I place my hand on my lower belly and pray that God will protect our baby and keep it safe. I also love my good friend B's prayer..Please God be knitting away in my womb. Another prayer I started praying recently is for God to "open my womb" as He did for all of the many women who dealt with infertility in the Bible.

On a completely different topic...
I love going to church, but today was hard. We sat down and within the first five minutes, I wanted to cry. We see a very sweet lady that has been praying for me (which I appreciate so much), but she asked me in front of at least three people if I had any news. Ummm no I don't. And don't you think everyone around us knows what you are talking about? Then a couple sat down next to us and the husband made a joke about sitting next to the "sensitive" girl. I tried to laugh it off.."oh yeah I cry a lot, and I will probably be crying again today." Did it ever occur to him that there might be a reason for my tears?

Progesterone Results....

35!!!! YAY!! I felt ovulation pain on my right side after my IUI even though my big follicle was on my left so I guess it is possible that I released two eggs. Now if I can just get through this next week...

A Baby Shower

I'm having a baby shower at my house...what was she thinking you might ask? Well honestly when I agreed to do the shower with my friends, I thought to myself..."oh I will be pregnant by then..." So now here I am a little over a week from the baby shower, and a little over a week from finding out if I am pregnant or not. I am incredibly happy for my friend. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and she completely appreciates the gift and miracle that God has given her. But my house is about to start looking like a mini-babies-r-us, and I don't know how I am going to take it. Seriously..what was I thinking? So now here is my dilemma...do I test before the shower (as in a couple days before) or do I have to wait until after the shower? Should I really have to delay my POAS plans because of a baby shower? I seriously think I won't be able to wait. I've tested on mother's day before and gone to church after seeing the bfn so surely I can throw a baby shower at my house after a bfn. Remember that I will be on progesterone supps so I won't start my period on my own. Those of you who know me...know that this conversation is pointless because you know I'm going to test..I can't help myself. But I would still love to hear what all of you think!

If My Shower Could Talk

The moment I step into our shower and close the door, a non-stop flow of ttc thoughts begins, and it doesn't stop until I exit the shower. It must be because it is one of the few times during the day that I am actually by myself with no distractions. My shower thoughts range from being hopeful to being just plain angry. Sometimes I feel that I can make others or myself think I am handling this well, but my shower knows the truth. So if my shower could talk....
Courtney first stepped into my shower almost a year ago at the end of June 07. At the time, she was dealing with questions about what could possibly be wrong with her body and when will Shaun ever want to start seeking treatment. About two weeks later, Courtney had her best shower after she saw two lines on a hpt. The weeks that followed were pure joy as she thought and dreamed about her baby, and she spent the rest of the time praying for God's protection over their baby. The worst day was September 25, 2007 as she took a shower to get ready to leave the hospital for her D&C. Courtney actually scared me and herself at how angry she was for weeks. There were days when she just cried for the entire shower. Then she started to think about getting pregnant again. She thought that if she could just get pregnant right away, then all of her pain would go away. Well unfortunately that didn't happen, and she is a mess most of the time. She struggles with her faith...she is jealous of her pregnant friends who have it so easy...she thinks constantly of her infertile friends...she is angry with herself for being at this place at her age....and she feels crazy because it is all she can think about...But then there are showers (but not very often), when her hopes are lifted, there are no tears, she takes her heavy burden to God, and she dreams about the good days that must be ahead for her and for all of her infertile friends.

Thank goodness my shower doesn't talk. Many of you have commented about my strength and my faith through all of this, and I just wanted all of you to know the truth...I am just as doubtful, hopeless, and weak as you feel you are.

Update for yesterday's blog: #10 and #14...check.

Oh the 2ww

Oh how I hate the two week wait. It is by far the worst part of ttc for me and probably for most of you so I have come up with a list of 20 Things to Do During the 2ww. My list is all about relaxation and pampering...don't you think we deserve it?? I am going to try to accomplish all 20 in the next 2ww, and I challenge all of you 2 week waiters to do the same!

20 Things to do during the 2ww:

1. Go to a good chick flick with some friends or DH
2. Get a pedicure
3. Read a book that has nothing to do with ttc
4. Start a 2ww grateful journal to write positive thoughts
5. Plant pretty flowers
6. Go stock up on HPTs
7. Spend some time in a bookstore with a good drink and some fun magazines
8. Buy a new cd you've been wanting and cruise around town with some good tunes
9. Take a nap
10. FD with DH :)
11. Take a warm bath with candles to relax
12. If it is a warm day, spend some time sitting outside in the sun.
13. Get a massage from a professional or DH
14. Rent a movie on a weekday night with DH and pick up popcorn and fun snacks
15. Take a walk with DH, a good friend, or by yourself
16. Go to a hobby store and find a craft project
17. Get some flowers for yourself to put in your house or office
18. Go shopping
19. Play a board game or cards with friends
20. Pray!

Go Spermies Go!!

Well our IUI went well this morning! Shaun broke a clinic record with his 130 million spermies after wash (just kidding about the clinic record part) so we are obviously very happy with that count. The speculum was the worst part, but the rest was painless. I was squeezing Shaun's hand so hard during the speculum part...she had some trouble getting it right. The nurse had me stay on the table for fifteen minutes afterwards, and the time went by fast because Shaun was making me laugh. I asked him..."where was that sense of humor before the IUI when I was so nervous??!! " Shaun even decided to take some pictures of me. I guess it will be good for the baby's book if we get pregnant ("and here we are as we conceived you on this table..")..just kidding!! Dr. H even stopped by in his Sunday best to check on us. He said he didn't want to get our hopes up because the pregnancy rate isn't that high with this treatment, but that this cycle could not have gone any better (too late..hopes are already up..see post below). He called it "a perfect cycle"...wow that is a first!! I thought it was really sweet of him to come see us. Okay so here comes the 2ww!! PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!

Dr. Shaun

Last night was sooooo funny. 10:00 rolled around, and you could feel the tension in the air. We both knew it was time. Now we've known since we've been going to a RE that this was part of the plan, but Shaun has always acted like giving me a shot would be "no big deal." So it cracked me up to see Dr. Shaun as we were mixing the shot because I could tell he was getting nervous. I was fine at that point, but when it was time for me to bend over...I started to freak out, and I broke out into a cold sweat. Seeing Dr. Shaun with that loaded syringe was pretty scary. I moved my butt really fast away from him and told him..."I can't do this!!" Dr. Shaun told me that we were going to do this and that I was not even going to slightly move. I listened to my doctor and stuck my butt out like a ttc pro. "Are you going to tell me when you are going to do it..I need to know??" "No! I will give you a 10 second window starting now." So I started counting in my head... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,10andahalf,10and3/4,whatistakinghimsolong and then I felt it...the tiniest amount of pain you could ever imagine. "did you do it..i didn't feel that hardly at all...are you sure is it in far enough, did you draw blood...are you putting the medicine in???"...I was full of questions. Dr. Shaun told me to please stop talking because he was concentrating. So I let him finish and then I praised him for his expert shot giving skills. And like all true poas addicts...I woke up this morning to a blaring bfp (on an opk of course...wasn't going to waste a hpt). I just wanted to confirm that the hcg was in my body and working properly. We can only hope that in two weeks from now that I will get to see a second line again .

Oh Happy Day

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. Today was my first mid-cycle follicle ultrasound for this cycle, and I just knew I was going to get more bad news. The past couple of days I felt all of these weird twingy pains especially on my left ovary, and I already prepared myself to be expecting a massive cyst. I even tried to bet Shaun on how big it was this morning, but Mr. Optimistic wouldn't take the bet... "I think it is a really big follicle." Well I was very happy to be proven wrong. My ultrasound tech started out on the right ovary, (there is a flat panel screen in front of me so I can see the whole thing--possibly one of my fav things about my re's office) and there were tiny little follicles, and I was thinking "ha I knew it..my stinkin ovaries." Then she went over to the left side and she said "Oh we have a big one!." And there it was...it was beautiful..this perfect huge round black circle covering up most of my ovary..measuring in at 22mm. I had a list of about ten questions about my high fsh results, but I didn't ask a single question because I was too busy talking to Dr. H about the hcg shot and the iui. My dr is not very animated at all so I was taken back when he got to my door and did this little happy "YAY" with his hands in the air. It was quick, but it meant a lot. I met Shaun for lunch, and I told him all about my appointment, but of course I finished with the infertility disclaimer..."but I'm not getting my hopes up." And he said something to me that really made me think: What is it with everyone always saying 'don't get your hopes up'?? Your hopes should always be up because your hope is in the Lord because you know He will provide. The only question is how and when He is going to provide. So true! So let it be known...my hopes are up!

Quote of the Day

Courtney: That's okay honey..i understand why you can't take off for our dr appt on friday...if I get more bad news, I will be okay..don't worry... I won't try to run my car into something

Shaun: (completely serious)....More bad news...how could it get any worse?

Courtney: (laughing hysterically) well...that's true.

FSH Results

Yesterday was a scary day. For the fist time in this journey, I actually find myself seriously questioning if we will be able to have biological children. It has been in the back of mind the past couple of months, but now it seems to be a actual possibility. My day 3 FSH level came back at 9.73...10 is considered a diminished ovarian reserve by my RE's lab. So there are two ways to look at this number...is the ovary half full or half empty??
ovary half full (a.k.a glass half full)-9.73 is still considered normal. you are young so you have that going for you as well.
ovary half empty (a.k.a glass half empty)- 9.73 might as well be 10. obviously at 24 years old...your numbers should not be anywhere close to 10. There is a problem with your egg quality.
Unfortunately, my re was on vacation this past week so I won't know what he thinks until later this week. My guess is he is either going to move us on to injections or an IVF cycle. I'm sure he will take the ovary hall full approach and will come up with a plan of action for us in the next couple of months.
Finally, I must say that I know that God has plans for us to have children and hopefully many. I rest in knowing that He is in control of my body. I know that the end of this story is going to be beautiful whether God gives us our babies through infertility treatments or adoption...I'm just scared of the heartache that we might have to experience to get there.

Two BFNs Too Many

This was my first cycle with my RE so I got to have mid-cycle follicle ultrasounds for the first time. I had great expectations for my follicles because I had a decent progesterone number (16.4) last cycle on 50mg of Clomid. Well at cd 10 they were 12 and 14mm on my right ovary. I went back at cd 12 expecting them to be at least 4mm bigger,and they were the same size. So my dr wanted me to come in just one more time at cd 15 to see if there was any growth...and there wasn't.RE told us to keep getting together because stranger things have happened, but he said he would be surprised if we got pregnant this cycle. Fast forward to cd 19-21...Shaun and I took a beach trip for the weekend, and we had a good time if you know what I mean. The monday after our trip I had my after o signs...dried up cm and sore ns so I took an opk, and it was positive. Ovulation on cd 21 was confirmed the next day by a temp rise. I called my RE's office to ask the nurse if I could take the prog supps just in case, and she said that it couldn't hurt to go ahead and take them. Now I will be the first to admit that I am a POAS (pee on a stick) addict. I can't help
but test early so I tested 11dpo and of course only saw one line. As much as I would have been absolutely shocked by a BFP, the Big Fat Negative was still so sad. I always hold my sticks up to the light just hoping for a glimmer of a second line. I can't wait for digital hpts to be as cheap and as sensitive as the regular two line hpts...that will save me a lot of time and squinting. Again at 14 dpo...just one line so I was able to stop the progesterone, which was the only good news. Every time I get a BFN now I have the urge to do what Tina Fey did in the movie Baby Mama. I haven't seen the movie yet, but fortunately this scene is in the trailer. Fast forward to about :30 secs in the trailer...link below. I love the digital test with the huge bright red "NO." I seriously wish these were available on the market. I love how she shakes it before she reads it like it is somehow going to change the result. But the best part is when she throws it across the bathroom. I think I am going to seriously start throwing all BFNs. I think it would make me feel better...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU34zV9A3gU&feature=related

Is It Worth It?

This was the question that my close friend asked me this week after I was describing the three times a day progesterone supplements that I was taking. I honestly think she thinks I'm a little crazy for doing all of this at my age. "Is it worth it Courtney??" I have to admit the question did take me back a little, and it made me question myself. My response, "I don't know...is it??" I spent the rest of the evening thinking "what am I doing?" "am I crazy for doing this at my age??" "is it worth it?" In the morning, I woke up emotional, but with a new confident reply to the question "Is it Worth it?"...response: yes.
It is worth it...to see that a miracle of God has taken place by seeing two lines on a HPT
It is worth it...to hear and see your baby's heartbeat and to fall in love with your tiny baby on an ultrasound screen just two weeks after you found out that you were pregnant.
It is worth it...to hear the words "it's a boy" or "it's a girl"
It is worth it...to feel your baby moving and kicking inside of you
It is worth it...to finally get to hold your baby in your arms
I could go on and on because there are a million reasons why it is worth it. I am 24 and infertile so I can either try to be treated now or wait for a couple years for me to even get more infertile. I'm doing it now, and I'm doing everything that I can because it is worth it.

My Infertility Soundtrack

A couple of songs that have encouraged me along the way...you can listen to them on the bottom of this blog:
Praise You in This Storm-Casting Crowns- This song really spoke to me that we can praise God as we are going through this storm and every tear we've cried, He has held it in His hand.
I Would Die For That-Kellie Coffey- I love this song.
Fix You-Coldplay- "and the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace" This song really spoke to me after my loss.
Baby Mine-Allison Krauss- I dream of singing this song to my baby some day.
The Innocence Mission- "waiting for you to arrive, where does the time go?" Don and Karen Peris know all to well what it is like to wait for a little one.
So Hard-Dixie Chicks-sisters Emily & Martie both dealt with infertility and loss. "It's so hard when it doesn't come easy"--well said and so true.

Oh Progesterone!

Dear Prog Supps,
Please stop making me feel pregnant. You are not making the 2ww easy on me!
Love,
C

My False Positive

This was last cycle. Do you see two lines? I know it is faint, but it was way darker in person just take my word for it. In a perfect world, this would mean I was pregnant. I had all of the signs... a great 21 day prog number, really sore bbs, very emotional so when I saw two lines I thought our prayers had been answered. I dove back into the bed to tell Shaun the good news. We immediately prayed and thanked God for this wonderful blessing. And we spent the rest of the day, calling and telling all of our close friends and family the good news. I walked around with my hand on my belly all afternoon, and I was beyond happy. The next morning, I got to test again hoping for a darker line only to see a positive on the $ tree tests and a BFN on first response. Now all ttc girls know that FRER is the best and most reliable at detecting early so this should have been a big flashing "you are not pregnant" sign, but I still didn't believe it. I called my ob-gyn's nurse who has to be one of the rudest nurses in america to see if I could get b/w done right away. When I got to the lab, I explained to the poor lab lady what happened to me, and I asked her if the order said to do a yes or no beta or a number beta. She said just a yes or no, and I asked her to please see if we could do a number because there can be false negatives with a yes or no depending on the lab with it being so early. She agreed and in no time at all I had the rude nurse yelling at me that they were only going to do a yes or no and that's it. She walked away, and I immediately started crying... that was the last straw for me with that nurse. I waited in the waiting room with all of the glowing pregnant girls as I tried to stop crying. I flipped open a magazine and turned the pages, but I didn't read one single thing...all I could think about is yes or no. Probably about 30 minutes later, the lab ladies called me in there to tell me I was not pregnant. I lost it...I could hardly stand up. Honestly my immediate reaction was "why God, why would you let me get a false positive??" I made the lab ladies cry, and they wouldn't let me leave until I got okay. My first phone call was to a woman named Joy at the RE's office to ask if I could get the appointment back that I canceled just hours before when I just knew for sure that I was pregnant. She was so kind to me, and she made sure that I got my appointment back. I spent the rest of the day just crying. Apparently the lab ladies told my doctor what was going on because the rude nurse called back in the evening to say that "we decided to run the numbers...and it was .07 so you definitely are not pregnant." She was extremely nice so either she felt bad for how rude she was (find that unlikely) or someone got on to her. I didn't have much to say to her, but I let her know that I had an appointment with Dr. H and that I wouldn't be back. I honestly loved my doctor that is why I was so torn leaving her for a specialist, but I knew I needed to go to an RE to be watched more carefully. God wanted me there, and rude nurse just made it that much easier to leave. thank you rude nurse.

An Introduction

My husband and I met when we were fifteen years old. I was very unpopular, and he was the new, oh so popular football player. It was pretty much love at first sight. I can remember the two of us smiling and staring at each other from across the classroom all day long. One Friday night after a football game, I sat in the corner of our auditorium just hoping that he would ask me to dance. He did and the rest is history. After almost six years together, we finally got married, and we were so happy. Sure... life wasn't easy with paying bills, a tiny apartment, jobs, and finishing college, but we loved every second of being together. The only thing that was difficult was the big S word. Of course, it was special because we waited, but I felt like I had the libido of an old woman on her death bed. After 9 months, I finally broke down and told my ob/gyn about my issues. "Oh you poor thing, it is most likely because you are not very experienced." She was even sweet enough to copy off a chapter or two of a sex book. But thankfully, she said she would run some blood work just to make sure that my birth control wasn't taking a toll on my free testosterone. About a week later, she called back with the test results, "Courtney, I'm going to have to apologize to you. You really do have a hormone problem. Your blood work shows that you have hardly any free testosterone." I immediately went home and started finding out as much information as I could about the link between birth control pills and sex drive. Fortunately a new study came out in Jan of 06 that proved a connection. This was only the beginning of my medical internet researching as you will learn soon enough about me. Shaun and I made the tough decision that even though we weren't completely financially ready for a baby, we would stop using birth control pills in the hopes that my hormone problems would go away. And by the way because I know you are curious...over time it got A LOT better. Well we tried the condom route, and that just wasn't happening...then we tried some sort of foam that we still laugh about today so we ended up just saying the heck with it... let's just do it. Looking back on this makes me laugh, but I am also so grateful that God started us on this ttc journey a lot sooner than expected. If we hadn't stopped birth control pills, we would probably have no idea right now of our problems. I would be just getting off the pill with my friends only to watch them all get pregnant, and I would be left wondering what was taking us so long. I hope this long story explains in part why I am now writing an infertility blog at only 24.